thanks ladies, for all your good advice. I do feel like we are on the right direction now.
I have tried to be a bit firmer with her, and limit the giving choices, and she seems to be OK with that, she will tell me if it's not what she wants, which has been good.
I have noticed too that DH is alot "softer" with her than I am, and she is such a "daddy's girl", so I had better watch that I think!
the tantrums have still been a bit difficult, she has often been too wound up to talk to, and then when it has passed, she doesn't seem to care anymore, so not sure whether I continue to try and explain to her or just let it go? just sort of playing that one by ear I guess.