Having trouble accepting other peoples style of parenting...

[ss_storm]

had a couple of comments from my SIL (who doesn't have kids and never wants them!) and an aunty (who has 4 kids) on FB this week when I made a comment about having to rock DD to sleep now because she won't go to sleep on her own anymore. I don't mind rocking her to sleep, apart from the fact it hurts my back after a while! But my aunty said oh sounds like she is playing with you and SIL called her a little witch (with a b)
I had no idea what to say back so just left it at that, but I was a bit upset about the comments..she is only 14 months old and suffers from separation anxiety (she doesn't even want to go to DF most of the time!), I think leaving her to cry is only going to make things worse and I doubt she is doing it because she is manipulating me!

I'm shocked that people even consider using CC practically from birth! They might love their babies, but surely when it is tearing you apart hearing them crying themselves to sleep some part of them must think there is a better way..

[onthefly]

You know, I think sometimes all parents really need is to feel they have permssion to follow their hearts. There's so much advice out there to stomp all over our instincts and damage that bond between mother and baby - there's no reason to feel bad offering an alternative. You know: you dont' have to let them cry. It's ok to feed them to sleep, or rock them or take them to bed with you or whatever if that's what they like.

[beckoes]

the posts on here today have really made me feel better about things,i had actually really started to think i was this crazy hippy parent who had no idea what she was doing and was in the total minority in the world because everyone else i know (off BellyBelly) do things so differently....is my DD 'really' so happy and confident and content because of the way we parent or would she be like that anyway, my uk friends children are ok, well at least they look it.

I really do feel like i cant offer my view or opinion, i metioned co-sleeping and got attacked from all sides, people i didnt even know that are friends with the person i was commenting to. 'not-safe' 'horror stories' were the cries!

Im proud of the way i parent and im glad i was able to educate myself to a different way! and its all thanks to Belly Belly, how lucky we are!

[Kazmar]

Dedicated Mummy - Sorry, but I think that comment was so judgemental! Umm.. Should learn about what? Parenting? I don't think one can learn about parenting until we experience it.. I haven't been fortunate enough to have that 'learning' experience, (well I have but only for 12 days, and as a 'step mum') but I will tell you that I have met parents that 'held off': Planned their children, were 'old enough', financially secure and all the rest of it and in my eyes they didn't make the best parenting choices, yet I have also seen the opposite.. So again, and I am sorry if I sound rude but what exactly should I be 'learning' about before I become a parent?

As far as the Op, well I have no answers.. I think it is really difficult when you disagree with someones parenting styles.. It's kinda easy for me though, because I can remind myself 'I am not in their shoes' I often hear myself say "If my babies were here I would never do that" When Maybe I would! ... I think this whole parenting caper is trial and error and doing the best you can is all you can do.. When I was raising DSS I just did the best I could.. But we gave him back to his Mum some weekends and DP's parents had him alot so it wasn't like we didn't have support.. Although, having said that Us and DSS Mum had a diff parenting style but thats a whole other thread!! Lol

I meant more 'willing' to learn. For example. SIL has learnt nothing from her children. It's really quite sad. She doesn't embrace what it is to be a mother. The children are just going along for the 'ride'. Living her same life and making the kids 'fit in', but into a life that doesn't really embrace what having children is all about. I feel sorry for her as her kids will big to old and out of her life before she realises!
Not sure how thats judgemental? I didn't name a certain style of parenting etc?
Also I was 18 when I fell pg, so I def DONT think 'planned' or 'unplaned' makes any difference....

[thepixie]

Beck maybe the best you can do is what Marcellus has suggested - just say follow your heart or follow your instincts. Then bow out of the conversation and don't look back. Because you've given the best advice you can, and what they do with that is up to them.

[TeniBear]

Just found out why "friend" wants to FF - she's blaming bub's reflux on her milk. Someone has even pointed out that it'll be worse on formula, but she seems set. Apparently a nurse told her that BFing the baby would help his tummy, but he was able to get up some wind only after she gave him some formula and a dummy to suck for a little bit. My guess is she didn't try very hard when the nurse said something because she's been complaining about the nurses since she entered the hospital (they didn't respond to her buzzer one night, and were late with her pain meds the next)... This is about the only time in my life I wish I was closer to this girl!

Sent from my iPod touch using Tapatalk

[Gigi]

i was once in a PND weekly therapy group, and EVERY week, i had to listen to another member of the group, tell everyone about how she was using CC with her twin babies. Shutting the door on them, ignoring them for 12 hours.

i could not sit still listening to this each week, i would tear up and think about it at home, like a bad dream you can't get rid of. Except i knew it was happening to those twin babies every night.

i felt like i'd been told about child abuse and wasn't reporting it.

So those poor bubs were left in their nappies, no-one to answer their cries, no-one to check on them if they hurt themselves, no-one to give them a cuddle if they needed it, and no milk offered to them.

i cannot tell you how heavy this made my heart.

In many many things, i live and let live. Free choice etc. But some parenting choices, seem to be child abuse to me.
Whose rights do you count as "first"? The parents or the baby's choice?

i feel that our society puts the parent's rights first - until a death happens and THEN the word "negligence" is used.

i also think, when people become parents, have doubts about what to do, the people around them (medical staff) that they have to ask, pass on alot of outdated, incorrect info. So many mums stop breastfeeding cos they're told by gp's and others, "put them on formula and your problem will be solved". I've met lots of mums this has happened to, they took the advice, and problem X STILL continued. But by then, their child was weaned.

[Maisy]

I think sometimes it is also about a lack of knowledge. Before I had a baby I knew nothing about babies! I had "heard" of people doing things like controlled crying or 4 hourly feeding. Some of those things might work for some (older) babies but people dont realise that newborns are different! And that you cant spoil a newborn. I know my mum's generation did things by the clock a bit more and were into routines. I saw a doco on tv last year about the different parenting (Dr Spock, Verity whatever her name was, and attachment parenting and the doco followed these couples for a few monts). I was mortified by watching the lady with twins use verity's routine of leaving them to cry and self settle etc. But it worked for them. It is hard not to judge people but I really think no one is right or wrong, as we all have our own version of what is right or wrong. I totally understand what you are saying as my heart goes out to those little babies. I held my first a lot as she hated being in her cot and would only sleep on our chests. Then it turned to rocking/patting but at 7 months I couldnt do it anymore and she was constantly waking up and needing us to go back to sleep. So we tried CIO - some people would be upset that we did that but in the end we had to do what worked for us.

I think the idea of educating your friends a bit is a good one - send them some links to articles on helping baby to settle or sleep (or whatever issue they might be struggling with). I think its a gentle type of a hint if someone is going through something, you can kind of say "how about trying this, it might work?"

[MummaSue]

I have an old friend who used controlled crying on her (now 8 year old daughter). She is the loveliest girl, was a delightful baby and now STILL goes to sleep at 7pm every night - she loves her bed.
Our friends swear that it worked for her, but they refused to do it on their son (who is now 18 months) and used gentler methods with him.

I guess it's about doing what YOU feel comfortable with AT THAT TIME. Not that I am advocating CC because I would never do this with my baby, but it works for some.

Sue x

[beckoes]

i feel that our society puts the parent's rights first - until a death happens and THEN the word "negligence" is used.

I totally agree with this, and its something that has been going round in my head for a few days, now im NOT saying that my friends are in any way being negligent towards thier babies but i do feel that they are putting them selves first, this obcession with getting newborns into routines, who benifits from that...i feel that as a parent its your job/responsibility to bare the brunt of any discomfort that comes from having a new born (sleeplessness, disrupted lifestyle, etc) and not to pass that discomfort on to the newborn. im sure that they dont feel they are doing that, im sure they feel they are doing the best for thier babies by trying to get them in to a routine, but i just dont see it that way.

[PollyA]

As a gentle parent myself I also think its hard to know whats going on for someone else in their house with their kids.
Sleep deprivation is a form of torture for a reason and I think people cope with it differently, some better than others.
There are other risks to sleep deprivation like having a perpetaully grumpy parent or worse being driven by someone who becasue their tired has the same risk of someone waaayyy over the limit. There is little wonder that people make loads of money from their "theories" on sleep
I have a co sleeping cot and wouldnt use controlled crying myself, but I have a baby who could not lay on his back without choking on vomit for 2-3months. Now at 6months he won't sleep any other way than his belly and talk about being judged. I had a waitress ask me if my baby would be able to breathe ok when he was sleeping in his pram on his belly and some people just look at me in a certain way. Sure I could chase them all down and tell them about the choking on vomit thing but i don't, I just wish they would concentrate thier energies on making thier own lives better instead of trying to impose their views on me
I am also a working mum...talk about judgements and comments thick and fast It is my choice to work and i wish others could respect that (Not talking about BB here but society at large)
You can never know whats truly going on for someone else and i think an extension of gentle parenting is gentle humanity and acceptance of others trying to do thier best. Telling people what works for you or resources you've found helpful (As you have Bekoes) is a nice way of sharing ideas but chastising others parenting is a bit of a slippery slope.I am sure I make mistakes on a daily basis but I live in hope that as long as my babies know I love them and I am doing my best they'll forgive me.

[beckoes]

Sleep deprivation is a form of torture for a reason and I think people cope with it differently, some better than others.

You can never know whats truly going on for someone else and i think an extension of gentle parenting is gentle humanity and acceptance of others trying to do thier best.

Yes.....i totally agree with the fact that people will do anything when driven to the point of desparation through sleep deprivation, and i understand that it increased PND and other issues, but is leaving a 2 week old to cry in thier cot and ignore them really better than an adult being over tired!?!? i dont know, im just talking about my thoughts, not things i would actually say to a sleep deprived mother or someone who felt her only option was to use CC to regain her sanity.

And i think your totally right, and this is really where my issue bagan, i too as some one who practices gentle parenting would like to think that those methods and ideas would cover my day to day life not just the part related to my child.

[onthefly]

I agree about the sleep deprivation, but I think the real problem here is lack of support for parents.
We twist it around into babies being 'problem sleepers' or whatever and make it the baby's "fault", but parents just need more support to parent.

But you're right Polly, I always try to come from the assumption that parents love their children and try to do their best. That's a given as far as I'm concerned.

[Cocolove]

I am not going to get into my opinions on parenting. I don't think it matters what kind of parenting you choose, you have no right to judge anyone elses. I understand that this is a gentle parenting forum, but I don't think that gives anyone here the right to judge anyone elses parenting methods or beliefs. If you don't like the way someone else parents, it is not your place to judge, or 'educate', or make assumptions about that person and their children. There is no 'right' way to parent, and to assume that yor way is the only good way to do it and everyone elses are not is sheer arrogance.

People do things everyday that you don't agree with. It isn't your choice and it isn't your role to tell them otherwise. It is their decision (even if you do disagree) and you need to leave them to these choices and stop judging. It is not your place to judge. And I don't think it is your place to 'educate' them, unless they ask you to.

Like you said; they love their kids. They are probably fabulous parents, they just do some things differently. You don't have to agree with them.
The problem with fb is that you only know what they are putting up there. You don't know what is actually happening 24/7 in their houses or their lives. you only see a snapshot status uptdate.

Those who see my fb status updates my think I am a deliriously happy individual who has revolting monsters for kids: couldn't be further from the truth - but my status' do seem to alternate between how happy and excited I am, and how I would happily sell my monster children on ebay.

Anyway the point I am trying to make is that next time you feel yourself judging your friends based on something they put on fb, maybe stop and think "Is it really likely to be as bad as I am imagining it?" "Do my friends love their kids, and would they ever do anything to hurt them?"

If you cann't do that, maybe you would be best hiding their status updates or deleating them as friends - for their sake as much as yours; it isn't nice when you are being judged by someone you thought was a friend.

Oh thank you thank you THANK you, come on guys, we dont judge your parenting style, just coz we arnt "gentle" parents doesnt make us bad ones geeez

[Jess]

This is a really interesting thread - most of my friends are also onto gentle parenting, but my hubby's friend and his wife do CC with their bub (a month younger than B). We were at their house for a BBQ and she put him down for a nap and he cried and cried - it was so hard to listen to I didn't say anything then, as previously when she'd said they were planning to use a routine and CC I said that it didn't work for everyone and suggested Pinky instead, but she was set on it. They are great parents and love their son - but it breaks my heart to hear a baby crying and not being responded to, and it probably showed on my face. Is that judgemental? Was I wrong to try to 'educate' her that there are other options? I do the best I can to be gentle to other parents too, because we are all in this together, and all of society is judging us (children should be seen and not heard, what a joke!). But there's so much really bad info out there, I feel like I do need to stick my oar in once and say 'actually, you don't have to X, you can Y instead'.

[Indadhanu]

You know, I think sometimes all parents really need is to feel they have permssion to follow their hearts. There's so much advice out there to stomp all over our instincts and damage that bond between mother and baby - there's no reason to feel bad offering an alternative. You know: you dont' have to let them cry. It's ok to feed them to sleep, or rock them or take them to bed with you or whatever if that's what they like.

This really stuck with me! I tjhought of it today when I saw a friends status that said "ok doing the nasty mummy thing put Patrick in his cot to have a sleep and all he doing is crying dont think i can leave him much longer will have to go get him "
My response was "We always go by the motto of, if it doesn't feel right then we don't do it. Trust your mummy instincts, and if that means getting him out then get him out. xxx"

I felt good writing it, feeling very supportive :-) I got shot down of course, which was annoying, so I wrote "All I was trying to say was, in response to her first post, if it doesn't feel right, don't feel like you have to do it just because other people say it is right for them. I like the quote "If they were right, I'd agree, but it's them they know, not me."
(thanks for the quote Mel hehe)

I still feel great, and got a few likes which is always good for the ego LMAO. But I wanted to share, not for my ego lol though it could use some inflation, but just to say that a post that would normally have angered me at the responses, has actually left me feeling really supportive and not really worrying too much of other peoples posts about "Don't let him win!", just knowing that my post has 'given her permission' in a sense, to trust herself, if that was in fact what she needed.

[Heda]

I find it hard too..when a parenting style of a close friend really differs from my own. I have two friends that have used CIO from when their infants were 4 months old and another when bub was nearly one. The first one knew that she was going to use CIO from the outset (even gave me SOS book as a baby shower gift!) and another fell into it after she got fed up with the night wakings.

Does it kill me inside when I hear them talk about their 'perfect sleepers' knowing that they've used a method that I really don't agree with? Yep. Without preaching my opinions and being pushing, I can only continue to talk about our gentle journey in a positive light in the hope that they'll realise that it works for so many families out there -and that ridgid control of the nighttimes isn't the only way. I also post non-threatening articles on parenting (like on extended breastfeeding and on lots of cuddles being good for bubs) onto my FB page - so that there is opportunity for open discussion - and thankfully it's been really positive.

Do I find it difficult not to pass judgement on them? Yep. I love my friends to death, but I cannot help but think what on earth are they doing!!!! I suppose that is human nature, because passing judgement is making a decision isn't it?. You've decided that your method is the best (otherwise - why would you be doing it) and that others don't really come up to the standard your after. So it's hard not to wonder why people wouldn't choose the same methods as you.

But I have to keep reminding myself - these parents love their children. Save a few people out there, most parents are doing what they feel is the best for their children, out of love for that child. Will that love be able to counteract parenting styles which may have a harmful affect on that child (and yes sadly..there are parenting styles that really do cause some serious physical and emotional harm to the child)?
Only time will tell if that love is enough....and I hope it is - otherwise, in a few generations...we're going to have adults that cannot function emotionally.

Parenting is such a brief period in our lives, it's something we need to get right during the period of time that child is in our care - so why not give it our all - day and night - for this small period in our lives? So that kinda annoys me things like the CIO method - because it feels like that is a 'parent first' option. I get sleep deprivation (trust me!!!! I get it!!!!! - my 16 month old still wakes every few hours) Even the back of the book says 'For parents who want to get their sleep back' or something along those lines..I think that line said it all for me..it wasn't about the babies..it was about the parents. I get that it 'works' - it just doesnt feel right for me, nor for the majority of the world (minus the western world). Just my opinions though and I never make my friends feel guilty for choosing that option!!!

In the meantime, I think having personal motto of parenting is a good idea, it's like an edict, a value system that's ingrained in us - something we can go back to deep within us when we struggle at times like this. Just to share, mine is 'If I wouldn't do it to my friends or my loved ones, why would I do it to my baby'. Therefore, leaving to cry is off my list

[Trillian]

I think the point Misty was trying to make was that we don't have to understand why people do certain things, but we do have to respect it. It is a very fine line indeed when talking about this sort of thing because there is no right or wrong, just different. I do what I do and you do what you do.

I think there is a certain element of smugness that accompanies these types of threads but we just have to accept that not everyone does things the same way as we do and of course that is going to make it seem like it is wrong just because we don't do it. I do things differently to a lot of people on here, but does that make me wrong to do it? Some of the people posting only have 1 child, so haven't yet had the experience of different children with different needs. It's pretty easy to comment that your way is the right way when you have only had to do it with one child kwim? I've got 4 kids, all with different personalities and different needs. I had one that self settled and slept through the night from an early age. I had one child that needed to be rocked to sleep. I had one that loathed being held to go to sleep, but would still cry in her cot for at least half an hour and then I had one that I had to co sleep with because of reflux. ALL of them challenged the way we parent them and often we had to use a wide variety of methods to make sure we were doing the right thing FOR THEM (however we never used CIO).

One thing we have to remember is that going back to this way of parenting (natural/gentle/attachment) is still a relatively 'new' concept and it is silly to expect that everyone is going to 'see the light' straight away. Finding the best way to parent is a process that takes time and you can't find your groove overnight. You are dealing with years and years of conditioning from familial experience and societal expectations of how to parent and that can't be changed overnight.

However, I do find it hard to sit by passively and see people do things that I *know* aren't right - such as putting rice cereal in bottles at 2wks old etc or letting babies scream till they vomit just because it is supposed to be their bedtime but that is MY problem and it is not my place to tell them that because I would not want anyone to tell me to just let them CIO so I don't say anything and often I will remove myself from the situation.