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Thread: i care to much about my parents think

  1. #1
    leocalantae Guest

    Default i care to much about my parents think

    hey im 19 in august and been with my guy since pretty much yr 11. and are getting married naxt year. we've disscus having kids all the time and we are both ready, we both want to im jus scarred of my parents because everytime i talk about young parents that i no its like they turn there noses up at them like they did a stupid thing. they always say u need a career and all that stuff but i jus want to be a mum i always have. im jus scarred that they'll dis own me or something. its like i live to make them happy not me. does neone have any advise on wat to do.


  2. #2

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    You do what is best for YOU hun. Parents and others will always have somethign to say regardless of your age. Im 24 and pg with #2 and i have a sister who thinks im stupid cos of it. But i dont care, this is my life and i will do what i want. Goodluck and i hope you get what u want :hugs:

  3. #3

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    When I was 17 I wanted a baby, but waited to get married first. My mother would tell me constantly how cute babies were but then tell me I didn't want one... oh, shut up! She didn't understand why I got mad at her, even when I told her. Now I have a baby (OK, I married at 23 and had my baby at 25, but that's on the young side in the UK!) she's a doting grandmother, she only hates it when my dad makes Grandma jokes at her expense.

    Careers suck. You work and work and at the end you get what, a watch? Children rock - you put in the work, you get so many rewards. But it is work - I found I needed to perfect my time-management skills with a job before trying them on a baby!

    Think of it this way, if you love your child, you want them to do what's best, which may not be what they want. Toddlers may want to play with television wires, but we stop them because that's not good for them. Whilst you want a baby, maybe your parents see that having a child is easier if you have worked first so you have some savings, maybe your own home, don't have to scrimp and save each month... OK, I would say living without a child was harder, but maybe tell your parents you're thinking of children soon after you get married and just see if they are negative about it. If you've planned for it and are serious it may be they're behind you, they're down on the other girls for being unmarried, having babies unplanned, being poor mothers (ie putting their child's life in danger by smoking/drinking excessively/feeding regimes) or other reasons.

    Good luck to you.

  4. #4
    pebbles2820 Guest

    Thumbs up

    If that's what you want then go for it. I have never wanted a career and much prefer being a mum, working part time now the kids are all at school. Having a career isn't worth much if you're not happy.

  5. #5
    CatherineL Guest

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    I agree with the other girls.. But at the same token, a child deserves to brought into a world where it can be provided for! I think it's great that you guys are planning and talking about it instead of it just being an accident.. but babies and children are expensive, are you guys going to be able to pay off a morgage, car repayments, furniture, bills and the kids on top of that? I don't mean to be a downer, but i think that's what parents worry about.. Are you truely able to provide for these children? I have no doubt you could provide for them emotionally - but how about financially? And what about if there are complications and your little tot needs to be in hospital for months?

    Good luck and all power to you!

  6. #6
    leocalantae Guest

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    i think we will be able to provide for them properly. my partners working at a mine so hes on decent money and we already have cars that r paid for and basically most furniture and stuff like that plus we have started putting money away so yeah i think wed be able to

  7. #7

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    Perhaps you guys could see a financial adviser. It will help you put your finances in shape - and as you partner is working at the mines, then, it should put you in a good financial position. Make sure you put the effort into getting a few different opinions, and talk to friends and family members about what advisors they have seen.
    This will also prove to your parents that you are serious about this, and are tackling the situation from a mature prospective. Like Catherine said, the simple fact that you guys are talking about it, and not just having unexpected arrival is a good thing.
    Careers arnt for everyone, and thats a simple fact. Myself, i made the decision not to go down a certain career path, as i wanted to be a SAHM, (and the career path i was heading on wouldnt allow for that). So, have never really had a "career", and i am 10 years older then you.
    I dont believe that your age determines whether or not will be a good mum, i think thats maturity, and i know 30 year olds that shouldnt be parents, and 21years olds that are excellent parents.
    Prove to your parents that you guys are very serious, get a house (if not already) and wait till you are married. And then settle into married life abit before taking that next step. Marriage and buying a house a huge things on their own, and you need to get settled into a 'normal' life before upheavel again.
    Also, you are never to old to have a career - once your kids hit school, if you want, there is no reason why you cant go to tafe or uni and study then.

  8. #8
    CatherineL Guest

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    Well than brilliant (even though you think you can afford it, kids are always more expensive than you think).. who's to come in your way then??

    *Well said mum2bee!

  9. #9
    CatherineL Guest

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    I am not trying to sway you either way.. As i think it's totally up to you, but i would hate to think that you are doing it out of selfishness rah rah instead of becoming a mum for the right reasons.. not that i think that's you, as i don't know you!

    But i just thought maybe you could could make a post asking people whether they were happy with having kids when they did and would they recommend having kids young? IDK if that's something you would like to do or not - just an idea, even i'd be interested in peoples responses! Obviously you could taylor the post to whatever you like..

  10. #10

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    Just as an aside, I would recommend having children in your early 20s if both parents are in a stable relationship and want this - your body has finished growing (this is why teen pregnancies, especially in early teens, can be bad; mum needs nutrients that baby needs too), you are adaptable so life with a baby isn't the end of the world, you've done the whole pub-and-club scene and know you aren't missing out there, you're well-educated (as opposed to taking time off for baby during your exam time), you don't have to worry about a "career break", you have energy even if baby doesn't sleep all night, you don't miss what you never had (expensive child-free holidays, sports cars, loads of me-money)... I know that I'd really resent my child not sleeping through and puking everywhere if we'd waited much longer!

    Of course, if you want to go out and have pre-baby fun still, you should wait. Although I do miss the sports car, I know the baby is better and we still havetime to get another one in about 20 years and not look too bad in it!

    Oh yes, and be aware of the poo/puke/screams/sleeplessness... it's expected. And know that your child learns from example, so if you want the baby not to do something you want to, do it now! For example, I make sure DS sees reading as better than TV, even if it means forcing DH to read before DS goes to bed sometimes!

    BTW, DS is cheaper than I thought, I was expecting him to be dead expensive from the outset... as I know he doesn't *need* 50'000 toys or 10'000 outfits it's working out quite well. It gets worse later, just be aware of that!

  11. #11

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    The only advice I can offer you, is that make sure you are happy before you go about pleasing any one else.

    If you need to set up before you have kids, do that. But sometimes the best made plans don't always fall into place. In the end it is up to you and your lovely sounding boyfriend... you aren't asking anyone else to have this baby or to look after it.... make sure you guys are happy before you worry about others.

    That is just my opinon by the way!!

  12. #12

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    You know what I think the hardest thing is here, Leocalantae? You can't live your life twice and see which version you prefer LOL!! I met my DH in Yr 12 and we have been together since 1st year uni and married since 3rd year. We were married 12 years before Flynn was born, and that was perfect timing for us. We have ALWAYS wanted children and since the early days spoke about names, discipline styles, how we'd raise them, etc. But for us having children early was never an option because of my career. Now I was lucky in that I pretty well got pg quickly, and this time with TTC#2 we struck gold the first month we tried. But there are a lot of women who wait and leave it too late. I think if I was still TTC#1 I would have grave regrets about my decision to delay having a child for so long.

    The only thing I would add as a rider (and this will probably get me shot down in flames but it comes from watching my mum in her life and I not not trying to criticise others) is this: if you put your whole being and life into your children (or in mum's case, child) one day they will grow up and want to leave you and you risk feeling very alone in the world. My mum was widowed at 36 and so put EVERYTHING into me, her one and only. It was very hard for her when I left home at 19 and got married at 20 and she hated my DH initially because he was taking me away from her. That placed me under a big burden - it is hard to feel like you are the only thing that is important in your mother's life, especially when you are trying to forge a life for yourself.

    So even if you don't have a career, and even if you do have kids young, personally I think you should invest in YOURSELF as much as you do in your children. Children need a mummy who is happy in herself, not just in them, if you know what I mean. Also, having a mum and a dad in a stable relationship is great too - it sounds like you and your partner should enjoy a bit of eachother away from school and parents. Not so you "know" he is the one, because it sounds like you are sure on that one, but because you deserve some couple time. You two can spend time getting to know how you two work as a unit, because as the girls here will tell you there ain't much time for that nce a bub comes along LOL!! Best of luck with your decision making though - I am not trying to sway you either way, because the two of you can do anything you like together if you work at it.

  13. #13
    leocalantae Guest

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    its nice to see ppl repling and everyone has so many good points like i agree with a lot of them. no one has to worry bout swaying me on descions, im mean im gonna always want to have kids i think its an amazing thing. plus i jus thought as well my career choice neway that im at tafe doing is graphic design n i mean u can work from newhere doing that. i think im gonna freak at any age i have to tell my parents. lol i jus find that theres no point getting into anything if ur not passionate about it. if ur hearts not in what ur doing then its not worth it. id rather do somethnig love then slave away for no point just because my parents told me i need a career and i need all this other stuff

  14. #14
    CatherineL Guest

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    You sound like a very bright gal Leocalantae, but one thing i can say.. I can't imagine going through all this with out my parents.. i know many women do, but my parents really do add that little something special.. They are so god dam excited about there grandchild and ring me up multiple times a day just to check to see how i am and what i'm doing! They are so supportive, and at the end of the day - i am sure yours will be too! Having children is an amazing thing - but at the same time, it's also very hard.. Men don't seem to understand alot of what's going on with pregnancy and kids and you really don't realise how little they understand until it happens!

    As lovely as your bf sounds, at the end of the day he is 19.. I think women are naturally very maternal and have that motherly instinct from a very early age! Men on the other hand mature 8 years later than women? I know he might be all for the idea of having babies, even though he thinks he knows what's involved, i can just about bet he doesn't!

    If only life was like Rory said, and we could live out two versions and decided which one we liked best!

  15. #15

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    Lots of great advice here, leo, also I just wanted to let you know, I cared for years about what my parents thought. I mean, I still do, but it doesn't stop me doing what I want. I moved in with my boyfriend at 22 and my parents were horrified. It was really difficult for me because I've always been very close to them and I didn't want them to be disappointed in me. Then when I rang then last year to tell them that I was pregnant I could tell they were shocked and worried for us. This is after M and I have been together for nearly 10 years, and I was 30!! BUT ... they were so supportive during the pregnancy and they just adore their grandson. You may be surprised that while your parents have opinions about having children at a young age they will still be supportive and love your children.

    Getting married and also getting finances etc in order will definitely prove to them that you're mature enough for this decision. Actions speak louder than words so perhaps concentrate on the things which will make you happy and secure in your own life and hopefully all the other stuff will fall into place. (Easier said than done, I know!)

  16. #16

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    hi i was a mum at 22 ... i love my son sooooo much but i do feel like im stuck.. my dh is on a great wage but if you earn money you spend money... I had no idea what a baby would be like, he has rocked my world both ways iykwim. I would def wait till your married, i was 8 wks pg when i got married and from there on in there was no us time just baby baby baby...our relationship has changed in a big way... and men can feel trapped . you sound like my coz who really wanted a baby since she was 15... was with this guy who seemed like it was going to last .... she is now 3 months pg (same age as you) and the father took off and has'nt spoken to her since. and I do think that a JOB is important to keep you sane but a career is'nt that important...

    Just remember if you choose to have a baby be prepared for the downs (the ups too). I i lost a bub when i was 20 and was so depressed about it and wasnt prepared. then when i fell pg the 2nd time i wasnt prepared for the pre natal depression and post natal depression. and my dh changing into a father (sometimes i just want us back).

    also people tend to look down on young mums and its sad, coz we can be great at it...but if you have your bub soon don't forget yourself, if u put your all into the bub you may resent not having a life... sometimes i just wanna go out with my childless mates and blow all my money on a top, but i cant.

    but i wouldnt trade nixon for the world... this is just my story, you sound like your mind is made up. best of luck

  17. #17

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    Smile You are the ones that make the decision.

    How much older than you are your parents? If they had you young they might b worried that u will end up making some of the mistakes that they feel they made. When people are on their death beds they always say they wish they had spent more time with their families or had their kids younger when they could enjoy them. I have never heard of someone saying they wanted to spend more time at work. I have told my parents to butt out and reminded them that Mum was 20 when my sister was born n 23 when I was born. sure they struggled but they made it n r now really loving being grandparents.

    I think your olds are more worried about you being able to live comfortably and not in debt than looking at the plusses of having kids young.

    hope this helps.

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