How IVF Impacts on men?

[Rouge]

I was watching Kerri-Anne this morning and they had an author of a new book, "Getting Pregnant the Hard Way" by Mikael Svanström (blurb further down the thread) , about how IVF impacts on men too, especially those men who feel its their fault that they are seeking IVF. He was talking about how difficult it was to watch his wife go through all the pain and stress of IVF and feeling that they were somewhat responsible.

It just really got me thinking, there is so much support out there for women who are going through IVF but what about our blokes? I bet its hard for them too, this book looks like a good read for your guys.

Just thought I'd share. What are your thoughts? Does your partner find IVF difficult? Do you agree there should be more support for guys too?

*hugs*
Cailin

[*las*]

Would be great if you find the details!

As well as my issues, we face MF as well, so I know DH feels the frustration and the let down of his body in this. While he always tries to stay very strong for me, he has his moments.

We've just had consecutive miscarriages (now 4 in total) and he was really struggling a few weeks ago, and often worries about what I go through just to give us a family. I know it's tough for him and he has no family support at all (even from his aunty and uncle who went through IVF). I think the guys do need a lot more support than what is available.

Great thread! Will be interesting to hear other responses.

[butterfly_warrior]

I'm another who'd be very interested in the details. We have male factor infertility which was the deciding factor in us doing IVF/ICSI instead of other less invasive methods of assisted conception. DH appears to take all of the IVF stuff in his stride and doesn't really talk about how it effects him, but I know it's got to get to him in some way.

The one thing that I do know has effected him was our miscarriage. At the time he hid it all, he was being strong for me to try to hold me together in some way. Problem is that now it leads me to thinking that it didn't get to him at all. He got really angry when I suggested that during an argument the other day. It would be really helpful for someone to give me a little window into DH's brain to know how he's feeling, especially when he feels he's got to keep it inside to be able to support me.

BW

[dusty]

I have heard there are quite a few books coming out at the moment about IVF and will be interested to know what they are about and read them. I have heard there are a couple of funny fiction ones too.

I personally don't think there is enough support provided for either partner in an IVF cycle (same sex couples included). From the perspective of the highly efficient, churn them through clinic it is a medical procedure that is highly managed and carried out. Medical information is given regularly to the couple or individual however in my experience and talking with others on BB and elsewhere very little of this is explained or interpreted in advance or at the time and we are left constantly wondering what this 'information' means for the cycle and what we should think of how we are progressing and how this effects our chances. In terms of coping with the emotional side of it for both partner there isn't as much available as I would have expected in 2007, 20+ years into the AC technology. Sure with my clinic a couple of sessions with a fertility psychologist is thrown in if you want to use it, but she is overworked and hard to book into, so if either partner has a crisis during the cycle and need to get a psych perspective or assistance this can be near impossible, which just adds to your stress. Also I find that the clinic nurses, who are easier to access for assistance, are already overworked and not necessarily trained to deal with both of our emotional responses to a cycle. It is not really part of their job description (although my clinic's nurses are wonderful and do their very best to help).

In my experience a FS always want to talk about the specific medical details of your and your partner's case but not stray into how this is affecting you both and the decisions you need to make along the way. We are on our own here. Sure this is not necessarily their role but where else can you sometimes ask or discuss these issues at the moment.

From my DH side, I asked him and the hardest thing for him is watching me go through all the uncomfortable procedures and hormones, and there is little for him to do but offer me support. He said it would be great for him to have a partner's support group to use if he needed it.

For me, I would like the clinic to put more emphasis and even awareness raising on the things you may need to think about, cope with or face during a cycle. It isn't just a medical procedure, it is a life changing journey which many others being churned through are also undergoing so more support and recognition of the importance of this aspect to an IVF cycle is important.

Thanks for raising the topic Cailin.

dusty

[butterfly_warrior]

I think I'm just now realising that my FS is really odd. He can sometimes focus so much on the mental/emotional side of things that he neglects the physical. To the extent that he was so insistant on me being in the right frame of mind post-miscarriage before we attempt another cycle that he wouldn't even listen to my questions about physical/medical causes for the miscarriage. It's something that drives me batty at times, but we've discovered that we can get the physical/medical looked into with another FS, and we'll resume cycling with our regular one when we have all the results.

BW

[Rouge]

I'm going to email Kerri-Anne and ask for some information on the book...

Thank you all for sharing your stories, I just really hope that this helps your partners who I think struggle, often silently through the tough and emotional times of IVF.

*hugs*
Cailin

[LJ*]

My DP have our first appoint with the FS in 3 weeks and have been told we will require IVF/ICSI due to low sperm count. My DP was devastated when we found out, but at this stage we haven't started the process so I'm not sure how he will handle watching me go through so much.

I have just read a book but it must be a different one as the authors name is Jason Davis. The book is called Baby Steps - a bloke's-eye view of IVF. It is a humorous view from his perspective on their whole TTC and IVF journey. I enjoyed it and my DP wants to read it now.

[Rouge]

WOOHOO! Thanks to Diva, I have the name of the author and book...

"Getting Pregnant the Hard Way" by Mikael Svanström

Getting Pregnant the HARD Way
"Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned…or trying to conceive.”
Welcome to MIA: Men Infertile Anonymous.

We have a new face here tonight. His name is Mikael.

He has mutant, banjo-playing sperm which couldn’t fertilise an egg even if it came down to the testicle and sat on their heads. He doesn’t think his wife blames him for it, but he still feels inadequate – "having useless balls is about as bad as having no balls at all", he says.

Getting Pregnant the Hard Way is the hilarious tale of a five-year journey through fertility and infertility...from a man’s perspective. Mikael doesn’t set himself up as an expert on infertility or pregnancy – quite the opposite – and he doesn’t push any particular way to get pregnant. He simply tells the story of the rollercoaster he and his wife went through trying to conceive and give birth to their two beautiful daughters (No! He gave the ending away!).

Anyone who has tried to conceive will laugh their way through this book. Whichever way they did it!

*hugs*
Cailin

[BellyBelly]

Some great news for you ladies and gents

Mikael has joined us in the forums and we look forward to his input Hopefully he'll pop in here to say hello!

[mikaelsvanstrom]

With such an introduction I can hardly just lurk around here on the forums, so hello! I'm the author of Getting pregnant the Hard way...

So how does IVF impact the men? In my case the impact started earlier than IVF. It started after visiting the dreaded masturbation room and subsequently found out I had testicles brimming with mutant sperm (normal morphology between 0% and 2%). At first there was the emotional impact of not being able to father a child. This struck at the very core of who I was. Sure, there were ways to deal with it, but that wasn't the point. If there is one thing I felt I should be able to do unassisted as a guy it was fathering a child.

We then began IVF and that was hell. It was hell because my wife was going through the whole IVF process because of me! I decided to deal with this the only way I knew how. By not saying anything about it and pretend it wasn't there. I didn't feel I had the right to be emotional about it. My wife needed my support. She needed me to be strong as she went through the emotionally trying procedures. Looking back I realize it probably wasn't the smartest way to deal with it but I had such a hard time talking about it that my wife actually found out how emotionally trying I found it to be by reading the book!

IVF is trying because we as men are insignificant in the whole process (much as we are through the pregnancy). We stand over in the sperm-donor corner, knowing that our less than perfect sperm could be replaced by the high IQ sperm of a Nobel Prize winner at a moments notice. As guys we tend to like to cast ourselves as either the hero or the villain. Ending up as an extra in your own life is not easy to deal with.

[{sarah}]

We then began IVF and that was hell. It was hell because my wife was going through the whole IVF process because of me! I decided to deal with this the only way I knew how. By not saying anything about it and pretend it wasn't there. I didn't feel I had the right to be emotional about it. My wife needed my support. She needed me to be strong as she went through the emotionally trying procedures.

This is Aaron all over! Although every now & then he would mention about how terrible things were because of him If I got really upset he would occassionally say well if it wasn't for me then you'd never be in this position. I don't care what put me in that position and I had/have absolutely no blame for him whatsoever, just one of those things.... I wish he would see it that way.

Although he is pretty stoked that it worked first go

[diva-n-dan]

Welcome Mikael!!! I sure there are alot of men suffering in the dreaded cone of silence (of their own choosing ) that would welcome your sage advice ... and alot of women (me included!) that would love to know how their man ticks and how to help him through a such a rough time ...

[AngelPunks]

Welcome Mikael

I'm interested in this thread, I *may* get the book as well - for DH to read, we have to go through IVF because DH had the snip a year before we met, we've discussed the reversal option with our FS but he advised us that we'd probably only have a 15% success rate (of the reversal actually working) and then have to worry about birth control etc after we'd had kids.

So while it *is* his fault that we have to go through IVF it isn't because of infertility on his part (he's already successfully fathered 3 children - hence the snip).

I know DH regrets the surgery, mainly because of what I'm going to need to go through to actually have children, but I don't think it is that bad, I know the hormones will knock me about (and I'll probably end up taking it all out on him), but at least we can be prepared for it (and plan for it).

We're having ICSI & I get to sit in on the extraction of his sperm, we will only use his sperm and we will only have 1 harvest for me - we've already discussed this and agreed on it.

[*las*]

Hi Mikael,

Love the introduction to your book on your site, definately one I'll check out!

[LJ*]

My DP and I will be strating IVF soon. I bought Mikaels book this week and have already finished it!
I really enjoyed it, found it both humorous and informative. My DP is keen to read it next.

Thanks Mikael for sharing your story

[slyder]

Interesting thread and I'm glad to see the interest in it, particularly as I am a bloke going through IVF at the moment with my wife. I contribute a fair bit in the LTTTC/AC thread.

Mikael's situaton is very similar to mine as far as the percentage of malformed sperm are concerned, but I wouldn't describe my/our emotions in the same way. Yes it has been difficult at times, and yes I definitely have felt inadequate and to blame for the situation we find ourselves in, but for the most part our life has continued fairly much as normal throughout the first treatment cycle and we have remained positive and generally happy. It has been hard watching my wife have to take all the needles and all the poking and prodding, but most people have some hiccup in their life to deal with and this is ours. My wife has been extremely supportive and doesn't blame me at all. I'm just thankful that science has progressed to the point where we have the opportunity have our own children. We didn't require ICSI and ended up with 4 good quality blastocysts. The first transfer didn't work so we're both looking forward to getting on with the next one.

I don't agree with this statement: "We stand over in the sperm-donor corner, knowing that our less than perfect sperm could be replaced by the high IQ sperm of a Nobel Prize winner at a moments notice." as I feel it misrepresents the process that occurs in dealing with male factor infertility, and the steps taken before reaching sperm donor stage. In fact, most men who produce some sperm have a reasonable chance of creating a baby through current ART, even those with very low counts and very high abnormalities (TZI rating).

Something I have noticed throughout our foray into AC is that much of the focus is on the woman, even when in our case, the problem lies with me. Even our initial consultation with the nurse was basically me riding as a passenger with most instruction being directed at my wife. I've also noticed amongst my mates that none of them have any idea about MF issues, and have the belief that, generally speaking, infertility is the domain of the woman.

I'm pleased Mikael has written this book and ventured into relatively unchartered waters. I'll be very interested to see how this thread progresses.

[mikaelsvanstrom]

In fact, most men who produce some sperm have a reasonable chance of creating a baby through current ART, even those with very low counts and very high abnormalities (TZI rating).

This is of course true. The mantra my IVF specialist kept on repeating was that it only took one egg and only one sperm. It was hard to believe that the few normal sperm down there would really be the top genetic material for a child whether it can be used or not though. Factual and emotional truth can be very far from each other sometimes.

BTW...I've just put up the interview that started this thread on my website. I’m sure I’ve broken copyrights all over the place by doing that, but I’ll leave it there until Kerri-Anne’s thugs appear equipped with pink machine guns forcing me to remove it.

Check it out on the following page:
http://www.mikaelsvanstrom.com/news/...nterviews.html

[slyder]

Hey Mikael,

From your signature, are you saying your second child without any intervention - just au naturale? I always find this kind of thing interesting.