mel, as the others have mentioned, when you're in that space, it's damned hard, and you tend to isolate yourself to protect your own mental health. it's not that the people are people you don't like, you just simply can't relate to them. you tend to disappear into yourself until their kids are older and not so - ummm, how to put this - not so demanding of parental time and the parents have other interests again. this is by no means a reflection on the parents - it makes perfect sense that infants and toddlers take up the bulk of your time, and their achievements are YOUR achievements and as such they tend to take up a large portion of your life! when they are older (school age etc), you have more free time again and tend to branch out looking to find YOU again, and it's at that point that your friend may feel she can reconnect with you

the pain of what she is going through is great. even if she's accepted that she may never have children, that acceptance starts in the head and has to travel to the heart - the heart isn't so accepting. it's also DAMNED hard to connect with people that you don't feel you have anything in common with anymore - i've sat at many a bbq at my bro's place, surrounded by his friends and all their children - and inevitably, the talk always returns to children - and when you've not been there, it's like this invisible wall between you - you can't contribute cos you don't "know" what they're talking about as you've never been there kwim?

the best thing you can do for your friend is say "i'm really sorry, i don't know what you're going through, but i want to keep in contact as i'm sure we can chat" - as someone who has talked to you online, i know you can avoid kiddie talk, but maybe she doesn't know that. keep the contact on her terms, and when she's ready, then meet up.

HTH

BG


ETA: i can understand why your DH thinks it's selfish - coming from someone that was on that side of the fence, i FELT selfish at time - but self preservation is the most important thing. if HE was in a situation in which he felt extremely out of place and uncomfortable he'd withdraw from it and not return next time - that's how he has to see it!