I am actually seeing a counsellor on Thursday to talk about this very thing.

I have some concerns that IVF is just going to drive an even bigger wedge between me and DH. Infertility has been challenging enough and I already feel a distancing from my family and other friends because of it. I find now that I don't really want to ring my family unless I have something to say, because I just can't cheer the hell up and make decent conversation. With great reluctance, at Christmas, I told my mother that I was seeing an infertility specialist and was going to an IVF clinic. Now she feels the need to ask me about it. I'm so confused, I don't know whether I like it better now that she knows or if it was better before when she didn't!!

My sister also pulled me aside at Christmas and wanted to know what was wrong with me (she knew we'd been trying and failing for a couple of years). I wanted to tell her how I felt but I couldn't because I was thinking "If I open my mouth, I'll start crying and never stop".

DH wants things to be better, I know it. The other day, we were looking at photos. He said "There you are when you used to be happy". I said, "Well, I'll be happy again one day. It just may take some time". I know that he has fears about us being able to afford it but I kind of feel that we can't afford NOT to do the treatment at least once. Something in me has to know. I feel that if the eggs don't fertilise, I'll have my answer. I might be pinning too much on one event but I think what I really want is resolution. I'm looking for a marker that says "Okay, that was bad but now it's over and you can go on with the rest of your life" whether that is with a child or without.

Anyway, God help this poor counsellor because I can feel a gut-spilling coming on ...