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Thread: LTTTC and friendships

  1. #1

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    Default LTTTC and friendships

    It's amazing how much LTTTC affects so many parts of your life.

    Currently, every close friend I have and my SIL are pregnant or have just had babies in the last 6 months.

    I try very hard not to let my LTTTC affect the friendships...but sometimes its tough. Sometimes I just don't want to see my friends as I don't want to have to face my own emptiness. But then sometimes I'm so annoyed at being "a good sport" I just want to scream!



    Most of them are very sensitive...although there's a couple that lack in the sensitivity department...my brother and SIL are probably the worse offenders...one night I had to sit through a "fashion parade" of 30-40 baby outfits that they had just bought their baby due in a few months time...I was trying so hard to not be "bad sport" that I totally overcompensated and gushed all over them...then felt totally annoyed at myself!

    Anyone else had similar experiences?

  2. #2

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    Hi Mon, Yes it is very hard ... I have a close friend who i was bridesmaid for just a few months before she became pregnant, as soon as she was pregnant, she stopped calling me and coming to visit. I was very hurt by this, as she too, had been on clomid to conceive her daughter. I haven't spoken with her for nearly 12 months, she never returned my calls.

    Currenly one of my best friends has become pregnant, and all she talks about is being pregnant. She rang in tears the other day and said the sonographer had been rude to her, then rang back a few days later balling her eyes out, much to my concern thinking she had lost the baby, but all it was about, was her husband had bought home from work all these dirty coffee cups and left them on the sink... I like yourself played the 'good sport' but what i really wanted to say was 'For F#cks sake, please can you get a reality check, you are pregnant, and you are carrying a healthy baby' Mind you it took her all of two months to get pregnant!!!!

    The thing is, if people haven't been through the experience that we are going through, they will never understand how hard it really is. As much as they say they understand they never will.

    Leis x

  3. #3

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    Mon

    I have been through it all too! Its a horrible situation to be in and people who are PG, just dont seem to think about what we have been through. It took me years to conceive #1, then only a couple of months for #2 but #3 took almost 5 yrs. In that time, almost everyone was having babies, asking why I wasnt PG yet, what was wrong with me? Its all very hard and although you are happy for these people, you are jealous too! Totally understandable.

    Take one day at a time and if you need to back away from people for a while, do it!

  4. #4

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    Oh God! SO know what you mean! This has happened with the majority of our friends - other than one couple - we are the only childless ones of all our friends and our family... one thing I realised is that both us and the other couple who are trying, are the only ones who got married first - so am wondering whether we did something wrong there!!??

    Anyways, I know it gets annoying when you are the one who always has to put on the fake grin and enjoy their babies/pregnancy. But where are they when you are balled up crying hysterically after yet another disappointment? They dont know - but then, how can they?

    I find Im a fertility good luck charm! Everyone Im around or knows fall pg! Friends have even joked about me opening a clinic where people come in and just sit with me for a while and they will fall! I have been bridesmaid 3 times now and each time the bride has fallen immediately before the wedding! I am to be a bridesmaid again in about a year and have told my friend to start preparing for her pregnancy now.

    I joke about it, a lot. But yeah, it hurts, it tears me apart, it has changed me to someone I often feel I dont really know, and it has put my dreams/hopes all on hold until I get this all sorted. It sucks, but I dont know what else there is to do, right now...

    Hopefully all of us wont have to endure it much longer...

  5. #5

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    Mon, Leis, Keen & dinky...

    I know it wont make you feel any better, but I know too after trying for well over a year to create #2 (different father to #1) My Dh had to put up with lot's of stirring, jeering & negativity from so called friends reagrding his ability to perform his manly task & get me pregnant. It was very, very difficult for both of us, as I love my husband to pieces & I know he adores DD#1, but she is not his biological daughter (he'd never say that though) but friends of ours often stirred him about my not being pregnant yet...

    My Dh went through periods of anger, sporadic crying & lot's of tantrums all directed towards me... I took it personally that he was angry at me for falling pregnant prior to meeting him & already having a child, it started to eat into our realtionship as I felt guilty for having a child & not being able to now create a new life with my hubby..
    It was so hard at times & I wondered where we were heading, yet those people teasing him had no idea what it was doing to us & we went to things together & pretended we were all cool, infact Dh started saying he wanted it to take ages so we could practise heaps more, but really it had affected our sex life alot!
    I decided to tell DH I wasnt ready & instead made love with only myself knowing I was O'ing soon, so as to take pressure off him... Although we had never had any testing done to find out why it wasnt happening...
    Then we fell preg & I lost bubba on Dh's birthday, we spent the next few weeks at home over Christmas as emotional wrecks... Then miraculously we were preg with #2..topped trying & just loved my hubby...
    Our friends know now maybe what we went through as now after the fact we can talk about it, but then it was still so deep & raw..

    I have great hope for all of you gorgeous wonderful women & I know my friends never realised we lived, slept & breather TTC.... I guess we do all put up walls to protect us... All the best in the future to you all, I wish your friends would understand, but I have no idea how to make them more sensetive to such issues... I wish i had those answers & more for you all....

  6. #6

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    Oh girls, you are not alone there!

    Many of dh's friends have recently had bubs or are pg. Even though we started ttc before them all (since July 05), and often they can be really insensitive and go on and on, some of them know what happened but those who dont always ask 'so when are you getting pg or what are you waiting for?" I find that dh himself has distanced us from those sorts of couples.

    My two besties, were there for me during my loss, and god love them. But when one of them recently got pg, it was like they forgot all I went through, she even told me she was pg on my edd! But i forgave for that, and then listened to how they were going to do the nursery etc etc etc, I got angry at them for not being very sensitive. Her SIL has been trying for 4yrs and no success, so she was very distant when they told her, and my friend kept saying 'oh well I cant be miserable because she cant have kids etc etc', very insensitive. I tried to explain how her SIL might have felt but she didnt understand.

    So unless someone has been LTTTC or had a loss, they would never understand and will say insensitive things. Thats why we have each other here on bb, cause we all understand what the yearning for a child is like. Hopefully we will all be blessed with babies of our own, but for know...you know how it goes....

    take care and wishing you all bfp and h&h pg's soon,
    Lots of love
    Lisa

  7. #7

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    My darling DH was told by a good friend of ours that he and his wife were pregnant at work on the way back from getting coffee (and he wondered why the reaction was less than positive ) They knew about our miscarriages and the stillbirth of Caitlyn, even sent flowers and came to support us both, but when all was said and done they were just caught up in their own little world of bliss. Ignorant to our pain and torture. Male friend's sister is also going though IVF and, finding it difficult enough to manage their obliviousness myself, I told him to refrain from telling her they fell pregnant first cycle, without trying, bascially with one episode of DTD!!!! I am sure he still doesn't get why.

    Unless you have been there, you really don't understand the struggle of others TTC. And to be honest, I don't want others to experience the pain I have experienced.

    On the other hand, we have adorable friends who were pregnant with us and due around the time Caitlyn was due. They have been an amazing support and continue to be so, even though they have not experienced loss or the challenged of LTTTC. Some people get it, others don't. And we just keep striving to achieve (my old school motto ) our hearts desire of that beautiful bundle of joy.

  8. #8

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    Moonie
    It can be so hard heh! All my friends have got children or are pregnant.
    I had one friend who would ring everyday with the baby doesnt like storms, or was up all night with hicups! That really got on my nerves as she was still pregnant. it drove me nuts. I even told her how I felt, but it went on deaf ears.

    what bugs me the most is how I feel. One of my friends had her bubs early. They are 16 and 14 now. I really enjoyed them growing up. I feel if anything I am missing out on the younger ones now. As I dont fell free enough to love them they way I normally would.
    As as hard as I may try the emptyness inside me just wont go away.
    So even though when I am confronted with all the baby stuff from friends, and get really cranky, I know that I am really just cranky at TTC. it sucks heh!

  9. #9

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    I'm glad there are others around who know how I feel!

    I've got a lovely bunch of friends at church who have always (even before we were TTC) been very open about how long it took for them to conceive their children. We're the last ones to still be childless, but I do know that two of my friends have come through PCOS and now have babies. Their openness about everything and their willingness to stand beside me through everything has made it easier to cope, and easier to love their children.

    However, I have one old school friend who has been really quite insensitive. Regardless of whether you know about someone's fertility issues or not, I really feel that you just don't brag about falling first cycle and send scan pictures unasked for - and without warning!

    My mother has 4 sisters and one brother, my mother, her sisters and my sister all conceived very easily. My mum and sister know about our issues, but have never really understood. If I hear "just realax and it will happen" one more time I think I will explode! Now that I've opened up to the extended family, my uncle's wife has finally been able to make the rest of them see that they just can't understand what I'm going through. She's the only one who had fertility issues (again the cursed PCOS!). She had several miscarriages and needed clomid (I think) in order to conceive the two daughters she has.

    BW

  10. #10

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    I think you're so right Michelle71...so people get it and some people don't...

    My younger brother and SIL are a couple that "don't get it"...I've considered talking to him about it (as I don't have a particularly strong relationship with my SIL) but have decided that the probable outcome is that I'll feel more exposed and it will still go over his head...

    Fortunately the rest of my family are very understanding...though it certainly makes it difficult for them...I really feel for my Mum and Dad as they seem quite torn...they feel very sad for me, but at the same time are excited about becoming grandparents...

    I just think it's just a bad time for me...every friend I have is pregnant where as about a year ago, none of them were trying...there's 10 babies due in the next 6 months...I am thrilled for them all...but it's hard. Until I found this site, I didn't know anyone else who is LTTTC...I know there were women out there, but I just didn't know them...

    This site is an absolute Godsend for me...just to hear people in similar situations...hearing some inspiring stories, some successes but also sharing in the heartache and sadness...



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