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Thread: Scream, cry, vent! #2

  1. #19
    ann Guest

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    But when is enough, enough?



    Ideally I would love to keep on trying until I get a BFP. But I'll be 38 at the end of the year. I know there are heaps of women older than I am TTC, but for me this year is it.

    Not just the age factor, how much money do I keep throwing down the drain, I know money isn't everything, but hey you gotta have it.

    But I think the most important thing is, emotionally I can't handle the BFN 's, its heartbreaking, so for us I'm hanging onto June, and its not easy for our long suffering DH's/DP's.

    Luv Ann

  2. #20

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    Ann, DH & I were talking about this today.
    We just want our life back!! I analogied it to being in a big grey area that we can't move out of/move forward until we get pg.

  3. #21

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    Hi girls,

    Reading through all of these postings i feel better knowing i am not alone.

    I actually am starting to avoid going to family functions because everyone is getting pg. And that lump that wells up in my throat everytime i am told of someone elses bfp is getting bigger.

    I have endo and a dermoid cyst on my left ovary i only found out this month. I am going for a lap next month. I was so depressed that i didn't even bother charting this month... whats the point??

    I am praying that my tubes are not blocked because there is no way we can afford ivf.

    I am leaving my job at the end of june because my boss has given me so much grieve i just can't stand it any more. I am going to start my own cleaning company. Maybe that will take my mind off things.

    Thank you girls for all being so honest in your postings. You all make me feel a little more normal on this crazy roller coaster of ttc.

  4. #22

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    Ladies,

    I can understand completely what you're getting at.

    Ann, I remember when I first started all this ... nobody could have been more confident of succeeding than I. I really thought it was only a matter of time. It was only when six months dragged into twelve months, then into two years then three that things got really tough. I would love to think that "just relaxing" would do it but I know it won't. There are reasons for not conceiving even though they may not always be obvious but the mind is not one of them. Don't believe it for a moment.

    Zap, I hope your lap clears up some things for you and gives you a chance to conceive straight afterwards. The lap is legendary for that. I know what you mean about charting and stuff ... you really lose interest when you keep seeing no result.

    Tam - yes it kind of feels like you're stuck in neutral yet the motor is running at top speed. Nerve wracking! I would love to think about buying a house but that is a long way off for DH and I. I'm thinking by Christmas I might have a better idea about whether to continue with this TTC or not. I hope I will have the strength to make the right decision.

    Hang in there girls.

  5. #23
    andrea8 Guest

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    Hi!
    Thank you so much for all of your advice.I really appreciate it and like Zap I feel like I belong here even more.I love all of the ladies in the general room but I feel left out everytime someone gets a BFP I slide into a deeper funk and want to disappear.Thank you for your honesty Melbo because I thought I was the only one.
    I'm not sure exactly how long we've been trying because we've always said if it happens then we would be happy and have never used protection in our 11 yrs.The last couple of years I have started to worry.
    TamB-I know we need to bite the bullet and get tested because I'm not getting any younger.At least now I know I'm not alone with my fears.
    Tam-I'm sorry about your endo and I hope they can get it all so,you can achieve your BFP.I know about the big bellies I've never wanted to be fat sooo much and since it's spring they're everywhere.
    Lynny-I'm sorry about your endo and blocked tubes.I hope they can get you fixed up so,you can have the baby you dream of.
    Ann-I know what you mean everytime I see a birth story I cry I can't bear to watch them anymore.I've even caught myself crying over commercials and the smallest things.I also can relate about feeling your being punished.I was a single mother and had to work alot.I wasn't able to spend as much time with DS and I feel I'm responsible for the man he's become.I wish I could go back and fix him.I really love him,he's a work in progress and I'm willing to help him through this.I can't stop feeling guilty.
    Zap-Good luck on your cleaning company.I'm sorry about your endo and cyst.I hope that they can get it all and restore you back to prime fertility.
    Thank you all so much.I feel much better in knowing that I'm not alone and now my problems seem a little less significant after hearing all of your stories.
    I now feel like I've found a room that I belong in and I'm kicking myself for waiting this long.
    Andrea

  6. #24

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    Hi Andrea - like you we used no protection - just lived and b'd in denial but I had regular cycles for all those 12 yrs and last April I got my first BFP = biggest suprise and miracle ever.Sadly my precious daughter passed away in utero at 26 weeks - born when I was 27wks.They couldn't find any reason why !!! and this upsets me still everyday.
    I hope you get answers soon and your BFP
    Ann - I fell pregnant first time at 37 - now I will be 39 in July and I am not giving up yet. The other ladies older than me on BB inspire me. I know that at some stage I will have to deal with it -sooner if i don't get another BFP
    I am thinking ahead and thinking about fostering ... but that maybe won't happen - still keeping my hopes up till 1st IVF app. in May (12th)
    Also, speaking about TV - I have seen and I agree with those ad's - my pet whinge ATM is the NSW newsreader/weather woman G G - she keeps rubbing her big fat preg. belly all through weather and news - and smiling I feel jealous and so sad at same time - I wish it was me....

  7. #25

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    Big hugs to all you lovely ladies.

  8. #26

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    I just keep telling myself that if I want to get pg, then unlike normal women I have to try everything I possily can.....I'm often mega ****ed off about the IVF, and especially about getting pg last month but only to have my 12th surgery to end it!!!! I'm really trying my best, I've got tears in my eyes now.........(pulling myself together)...

    BUT I feel better each time knowing that I AM doing something about it, taking some control and hoping/praying/wishing for a baby.

    Also hoping that my determiniation doesn't ruin my marriage and my relationship with my daughter!!!

    I avoid people who are pg, family friends anyone......I need to, just so that I can cope......

  9. #27

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    Sheree
    don't know what to say because I haven't been down IVF path yet but thinking of you and hoping it gets better and that BFP is just around the bend.
    With all that has gone on - tears and holding yourself together is all I would be managing ATM. GO gently -your loss is so new and still raw - it sux and surgery is so recent -still recovering emotionally and physically. Its hard for you and we are here when you need to vent or talk....

  10. #28
    andrea8 Guest

    Default Hi!

    Hi!
    I told the general board that I was moving in here.I thanked them for all their love,support and just let them know that I felt like I belonged here more.I got lots of support for that decision as well and I said that I would keep them posted on my progress.
    Trish--My heart breaks for you*cries* *hugs* I only know half of how you feel to have your dreams answered and then taken away is more painful than I can imagine.I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers so that you will get a sticky bean.God gives these hard times to the strong ones because he knows they can handle it,makes me think of how weak I am.God bless you.
    Today ,I celebrated my 37th birthday and I got carded yeah!!That made my day.We went to a friend's house and watched movies ,bbqued,drank beer and had a good time.
    The witch had the courtesy to wait until after midnight so,it wasn't my birthday anymore*sighs* time for another round.
    My DS is in jail again *sighs* I don't know what to do about him.How can I think about another if I can't even help him*cries*.
    Tomorrow ,I'm going to visit my dad so I'm happy about that and probably going to take my mom to lunch for an early mother's day.
    Let's join together to beat the odds set before us and rise out of the rubble with smiling faces and BFP's.
    Andrea

  11. #29

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    Andrea - I am so sorry about your son - after they grow they do make own choices and yes you do still love and care about them - just hate what they do/did. Your next maybe baby will be different and I hope you get wish for BFP very soon - welcome aboard this rollercoaster....
    :blowcandle: with this candle make a wish [-o< - eat the cake and lick the dish
    :happybday: hope you enjoyed your birthday even if the witch showed up afterwards
    loved the last words - I"d love to rise out of the rubble feels like buired in heap of $#*+ atm - so much to deal and then found out last night some %$#@&^* hacked into our bank account by internet banking Friday and took $1500- now have to wait till Tuesday to sort it out. Didn't sleep well last night and am in a really bad mood this morning - then my MIL is due to visit ](*,) (well she is okay but don't feel like it today IYKWIM) she goes she goes on and on and on ( a bit like me maybe . :-k .. :smt102 )

  12. #30

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    Default ladies

    hi ladies,

    andrea- sorry about your son. My brother is in jail and it breaks my parents hearts. They often wonder what they did wrong. the answer is nothing. as adults we make choices and sometimes people make the wrong ones... over and over again. All you can do is stay strong and give him love and support if you can.

    Trish- That is terrible about your bank account what bank was it and how did you go geting your money back??

  13. #31

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    Spoke to lady from internrt fraud this morning and we should get our money back - how soon she didn't say - but maybe the bank won't ! she had to ring the other bank to chase it - waiting to talk to her tomorrow

  14. #32

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    Trish - that is dreadful about your bank account. Good to hear the bank are on to it quickly though. How worrying for you.

    Zap and Andrea - sorry about your brother and son. I can't imagine how heartbreaking it is to see a loved one go to jail. As you say Zap, adults make their own choices and sometimes they make the wrong ones. Andrea, you are a kind person and your strong faith is an inspiration to me. I hope you do not blame yourself for what happened with your son.

    Sheree - I'm bad with the pg women too. I try not to show it of course. But if I accidentally find myself sitting across from one on the train or something, I have to get up and move. Same thing with people holding babies. I don't bear them any animosity but I can't bear to look at them and see what I don't have.

    At first I thought I was envious but I realised that I don't wish to deprive them of their happiness. I just want a little of what they have for myself. I used to feel like this before I met DH too. It's part of my personality. I feel "different" to other people ... slightly defective or "odd one out". I think the feelings go back years but whenever something bad happens to shake my confidence, I start thinking like that again. It's a bad habit. At least now I am conscious of it and can try to tell myself that it's just my thinking and my thinking is sometimes VERY wrong.

    As you'd say Andrea, I'm a "work in progress" =)

  15. #33

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    Melbo it's been a very stressful day lady from internet fraud sent me a list of programs to run to detect any spyware/viruses etc - though I have update Norton - it detected 9 on 1 computer and 1 on other - in just one program - spent all day on computer at home trying to sort it out still at it. Sent to my Dad and his was up to date - he had 10 and mum had 5 on their computers

    Melbo I love your new ticker it is lovely -

    I think like you and Sheree - we are just grieving our infertility and losses - I think sometimes it is me as well - and I am defective. I felt like crying today everytime I heard about Mary's royal baby. I don't wish them any problems either but I feel so sad missing my own precious Charlotte and grieving my future maybe baby - that I may not get.

    Worried with all stress now I didn't O - day 15 and no temp rise yet - normally day 14 - and means O day 13...

    Your IVF is 2 days before me - thinking of you and wishing best of luck with everything

    Sheree when will you find out more about next step?

    Hi Andrea - how are you today - what time difference in US

    It was very quiet the last 24/7

  16. #34

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    We see HFC today at 4pm - exciting..

  17. #35

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    Sheree,

    can't wait to hear how it goes. So excited for you!

    As for me, more waiting, waiting, waiting. FETs suck because you don't feel like you're doing anything, IYKWIM. Though I count my blessings to have the 3 snowbubs in the fridge, this waiting is just hell!

    love
    sushee

    PS DH wrote a huge email to Julia Gillard last night while I was asleep about how he feels about the Medicare cuts. I was astounded he felt so strongly! He's such a dark horse sometimes!

  18. #36

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    Sheree and Sushee hope it goes well for both of you - we need a lift and a heap of BFP in here
    where can I sign petitions heard Julia Gillard has one too ? is this right ?

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