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Thread: should I be a mum?

  1. #1

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    Unhappy should I be a mum?

    Hello,
    A good friend, who knows that DH and I are about to start IVF, made the comment on the weekend that she never thought that i would have kids, and while I prob would have agreed with her 2 years ago, when she knows that we are TTC, it kind of upset me and made me think that maybe our need to use IVF is just the world trying to tell me that i should not be a mum...has anyone else had these kind of thoughts and doubts?


  2. #2

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    So sorry to hear that you would have such a thoughtless friend, as I haven't ever need to use IVF I cant help you with that one, but I do wonder if your friend realised how harsh a comment that was manybe you should let her know how it made you feel or it might eat you up inside.

    I believe that everyone has the right to be a mum it just that some people just need that little extra help to get there, but that will never determan what type of mum you will be when you do get to have that wonderful gift at the end of your long road.

    good luck and hope you get to prove her wrong very soon you will make the best mum that you could be with or with out IVF

  3. #3

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    Framgirl, does your friend have children? I was trying to think why a friend would say something so nasty... maybe she is trying to have a baby too and is upset at the world and accidently takes it out on people?

    I think that no one is really ready to have babies until they are here!!! We all want them and I think that wanting them and your decision to go for it means you are 100% ready.

    Good Luck with it all

  4. #4

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    not sure if you read this in the thread I posted but as soon as I read your post it mad eme think of this :hugs:

    What do I think God meant when He gave me infertility?

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    "Couples experiencing infertility often receive well-meaning but extremely insensitive "advice." We can all list the most popular ones: "Just relax and you'll get pregnant," or "Adopt and you'll get pregnant." Of the most painful from those who think they've got the goods on God's plan, "Maybe God never meant for you to have children." The sheer audacity of making a statement like that never fails to amaze me.

    "These same people would never walk up to someone seeking treatment for cancer and say, "Maybe God never meant for you to live." However, because I am infertile, I'm supposed to get on with my life. It's hard to understand that people can not see infertility for what it is, a disease for which I have to seek treatment. What if Jonas Salk had said to the parents of polio victims, "Maybe God meant for thousands of our children to be cripples, live in an iron lung or die." What if he'd never tried to find a cure? Who could think for one minute that that was God's plan?

    What do I think God meant when he gave me infertility? I think he meant for my husband and me to grow closer, become stronger, love deeper. I think God meant for us to find the fortitude within ourselves to get up every time infertility knocks us down. I think God meant for our medical community to discover medicines, invent medical equipment, create procedures and protocols. I think God meant for us to find a cure for infertility.

    No, God never meant for me not to have children. That's not my destiny; that's just a fork in the road I'm on. I've been placed on the road less traveled, and, like it or not, I'm a better person for it. Clearly, God meant for me to develop more compassion, deeper courage, and greater inner strength on this journey to resolution, and I haven't let Him down.

    Frankly, if the truth be known, I think God has singled me out for a special treatment. I think God meant for me to build a thirst for a child so strong and so deep that when that baby is finally placed in my arms, it will be the longest, coolest, most refreshing drink I've ever known.

    While I would never choose infertility, I can not deny that a fertile woman could never know the joy that awaits me. Yes, one way or another, I will have a baby of my own. And the next time someone wants to offer me unsolicited advice I'll say, "Don't tell me what God meant when He handed me infertility. I already know."


  5. #5

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    well said Rach, gave me a tingle down my spine, I think I may have to tell my sister what you said not that she is unable to have children but because she has MS and sometimes thinks that God has given her MS as punishment for not living to life he wanted for her and I think she might see that was not ever in his plan. Its just the path he choose for her to walk.

  6. #6
    slyder Guest

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    FG, your friend may have just been making an observation based on her knowledge of your earlier years (where you said ytou may have agreed). Try not to read too much into it, unless you have reason to think there was more to it. It is so easy to offend us IVF'ers without the offending party realising they've done it.

    And to address your other point regarding the infertility being a message in disguise - it's absolutely not true and not something which you should be punishing yourself for.

  7. #7

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    Farmgirl,

    Yes, I can relate to questionig whether I should be a mum. I've undergone 3 IVF cycles and the after the last one I was really questioning if it was just not meant to be and I was fighting fate.

    I then read the post by Rach75 and made me realise that it might all just mean something else. And as Caro said, if you're determined enough to go through IVF and all that throws at you, you are certainly dedicated to fulfilling your dream of motherhood.

    Thinking about it, perhaps if we were not meant to be mothers the world would not have found IVF technology to help us.

    Good luck.

  8. #8

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    Farmgirl, i really hope that your friend just suffers from a bad case of 'foot in mouth' and what came out of her mouth wasn't something she really was thinking seriously about in terms of how insensitive and unfeeling that may have sounded, or even how she really felt about it at all. i find a lot of people just don't understand infertility and the particular sensitivities associated with it.

    you will know in your heart of hearts if this is something you want to do. no one else will ever be able to tell you except for yourself. listen to yourself not what those around us fumble with or just don't try to understand.

    the girls above have pretty much said what i would say to you. no one goes into IVF lightly. however, a lot of fertile people go into parenthood with less consideration than we do. not to say they are any less of parents but it is often just something they assume they will do one day with little question. my subfertility has caused a lot of my more fertile friends to really analyse why they want to be parents.

    to be honest i sometimes question why am i doing all this. not because i don't want to be a mum, but it may be a reality that i am not going to be a mum one day. i can sometimes suffer paralysis of thought due to over analysis and confuse myself completely about how i feel! i think this is fairly normal, well it is for me.

    hun that was a hard thing to bear the brunt of.

    xx

  9. #9

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    Honestly there was many times when I was certain that a supreme being had other ideas for me. But the journey of TTC late losses and many years and cycles of IVF made me realise that although some people may fall pregnant quickly and often suprisingly, we who walk the road to parenthood thru IVF and AI are different. I can't wait for the day that I tell DD that we wanted her so much..we put our emotions out there every cycle often to be crushed but thru determination did time and time again.
    I had friends that thought "me losing a baby" at 20 weeks was ok, cause I wasnt maternal!! little did they know the journey we had been on.
    It doesnt matter what anyone says to accept that IVF is going to a part of your life is a huge step. One where pride, well being, emotional status and relationships all suffer. You are ready if you accept all these you are more than the average joe blow to be parents.
    Bec
    5 Stims more than 10 FET's, 1 yr of clomid and IUI's, loss at 16 weeks, loss at 21 weeks and 6 more FET's then DD. All in 4 yrs. So was I suppose to be a mother maybe not but determination is a wonderful attribute to have

  10. #10

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    Farmgirl if you want kids that is your right and no one can deny you that. I went through the whole maybe someones trying to tell me something but then i look at some of the idiots that have children and think what gives???? I have a DS already and everyone was so shocked when i told them i was preg they thought i never would etc even my own dad. But im going to sound like im boasting but just trying to make the point they all comment now about what a great mum i am and cant believe how i take it all in my stride so dont worry, have fun proving them all wrong!!!!!!

  11. #11
    Willy Wagtail Guest

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    Wow - the post that Rach75 wrote is amazing. I am going to print it and keep it somewhere to look at.

    I know how you feel, but i think I will never be a dad.

    I think someone said that your friend made the comment that she thought that you never wanted kids, and you said that 2 years ago you thought the same. I dont think that your friend would be saying this in any sort of insensitive way, just mearly stating the same that you have, she never thought that you did want kids.

    I dont think people realise how "touchy" we can become on the subject, as it is such a hard and frustrating journey.

    Never doubt yourself. People change, and just becuase you didn't want kids 2 years ago, doesn't mean that you dont want them now. When you hold your baby you will know that the journey was worth the ride.

  12. #12

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    if you want to be a mum then you are meant to be a mum. simple as that.
    ....and i'm sure you will be a great mum too!

  13. #13

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    Thanks everyone - your words have strenghtened my resolve to be less analytical and less questioning of our deservedness (not sure if that is actually a word) to have a baby.

    To be fair to my friend, she was not meaning to be hurtful, I guess I'm just being sensitive and it just made me really think about it all. I think when travelling down this path we have so much time to think about babies and some many decision points that it makes something which for some is a '30 sec' decision into something that is a long term stress. I guess too it is my doubts creeping in more than my friends comments. I

    Good luck everyone, and thanks, this really is a great forum

  14. #14

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    I agree with the other girls Farmgirl, I think the fact you are putting yourself through all of this to become a parent shows how much you want it and deserve it. Anyone who would go through everything IVF involves has what it takes to be a parent... selflessness

  15. #15

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    Rachel,

    That was the most spine tingling post i have ever read! Way to go, i have had all those comments thrown at me over the years and you are right when you say that this only makes us stronger and more compassionate than ever and the thirst for a child just gets stronger for us - we have travelled many avenues to fulfill our dream , our dna, donor dna and now donor embie's are on the way - i will not back down on our dream - i thank you for posting - WELL DONE.

    Farmgirl - read and read that post from Rach its soooooooo true. God did mean for you not to have babies - follow your heart and head and all will be okay. Good luck.

  16. #16

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    People do say stuff without realise just what affect it has on you - particularly when you are facing IVF.

    I first started posting here because I was questioning whether the reason why it wasn't working for me was because I didn't want it enough thanks to what someone inadverntly said.

    I don't think anyone -even those that get pregnant at the drop of a hat can say that they never questioned things and doubts - however small - didn't go through their mind. It is normal and it is human.

    Only you know the answer to your question and if your heart tells you to go for it - then go for it!

  17. #17

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    FG,

    Stay strong look forward to cycle what time in the new year are you starting

  18. #18

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    Oh Farm Girl

    I just want to give you a big hug and say that you will have a bubby of your own oneday some of us just have to work a little harder than our friends. Infertility sucks we didnt choose it or wish for it and God didnt choose it for us either. I beleive that God doesnt throw anything at us that we cant handle .Your time will come and Im sure you'll be a great mum!!!!!

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