Can you please help me understand?

[Miss.B]

First of all, congratulations on your pg hun!

Second of all, I am so sorry you are going through such a stressful time with your family, especially your sister. You have done nothing wrong hun, your baby is very much wanted and your beautiful pg should receive as much excitement as your other two. Your sister's loss would be simply devastating, and she simply wants what you have. She is hurt, angry, jealous, irrational, and taking all her hurt on you. You don't deserve that, but to her it should be her that's pg. Not you, you already have 2. I don't have a sister so I can't speak from experience, but when I lost my little boy at 21 weeks, I cringed ever time I saw a pg lady. I lost Josh in October 2008, and then had corrective surgery in January 2009, so didn't come back to work after xmas until February. In my office a girl I know well had her IVF treatment when I was having corrective surgery and because she had complications with her cycle, she stayed away from work until April, even though she did get pg. Being around her was soooooo hard. But in the end I realised that I will be pg too one day and I turned my thinking around and was happy and supportive of her through her pg. I did get pg a few months later and we were actuall pg together. All the hurt, and anger and jealousy just went away when I became pg.

[Liviam]

You ladies are right - this is a no win situation. thank you all so much for helping get it right in my head. You have all given me a lot to think about so thank you very much.

[Tegam]

remember we tend to hurt those closes to us as deep down we know that they will still be there for us when the dust settles...


Its the pain and rejection you will have to try to disassociate with your baby. YOU take it personally but they are thinking of you not your baby.

I had the same thing (different but the same) when we fell with our third. But my sister and SIL couldnt fall pregnant and had been trying for a long time. They both were hurtful and cut us off and our older kids, and it seemed as tho everyone in our families had taken their side, THere was no celebration or congratulations. But **** 6 months after he was born and they were both pregnant they were all lovey dovey like all that pain had never happened!

Same sister also thought i only feel pregnant with my first to ruin her wedding..... women

I have had two losses and both times i have had unreasonable and unjustifiable thoughts or feelings towards other people..... Its greif, its raw and sadly she is living it!

No real advice in all that dribble....

I feel terrible for her but i also feel very sad for you!


CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR PREGNANCY!

[kateo]

I celebrate the pregnancies and births of my girlfriends babies but I don't have a sister. I lost my baby Ellen at 41 weeks. I struggled when two friends who are close got pg before I got pg again but I was still supportive. One of those friends however barely spoke to me when I was pg with Ellen because she was having trouble getting pg.
I guess there is no real answer. Everyone copes with their emotions after a loss differently and some hang on to things that are not entirely emotionally healthy. Most angel mums like your sister do sort themselves out eventually however.

[Liviam]

Thank you all so much for you replies. It has taken me a really really long time to come back to this thread. I now completely understand where my sister is coming from I am more than happy (bad wording but can't think of another way) for her to take her grief out on me - it is how she needs to be to try and survive my pregnancy. I will be here if but hopefully when she is ready.
What I am still absolutely devestated about is my mum and dad. I am crying at least once a day about it. They refuse to acknowledge my pregnancy and baby . I took some advice posted on here and called mum to talk about it. I told her how much I was hurt by her refusing to acknowledge my baby, her grandchild. I was told that I just had to accept that I have hurt them so much and I just need to give them time . This was when I was 7 weeks pregnant. I am now 23 weeks and still no acknowledgement of my pregnancy. I am absolutely devestated. I don't even call my mum anymore because I cry for days after I talk to her because she never asks. I saw mum a few weeks ago and found myself hiding my bump so I could pretend I wasn't pg when I was there so I didn't have to acknowledge my mum doesn't care about her grandchild.
How is that fair to my baby/me??
I sit here everynight crying wondering what I have done?
Is she even going to hold my baby? Is she going to come to the hospital to meet him/her? I shouldn't have these thoughts about my own mum meeting my baby .
I am riddled with guilt when all I am doing is bringing another precious baby into our life - I am not or even trying to replace my sister's baby.
I have nightmares that she refuses to call my baby it's name and only my sister's babys name because I should never have done this to our family.

This is even starting to affect her relationship with my other two kids because she won't see me. I asked her to pick up a parcel to take to my other sister and she told me to leave it in the mailbox so she didn't have to come in. I sat in my lounge room crying as I watched her pick it up and not come in to see me or my kids. We have seen her once in months when we used to see each other once/twice a month for the weekend and talk every other day on the phone. The kids have also stopped asking about them.

Sorry this makes no sense. I am just devestated. I have no-one I can talk to about it. DH is devestated the same as me and seeing me so upset just makes him so mad with my mum so I don't like to bring it up with him.
This is the selfish part - this is ruining my pregnancy and my joy of my precious baby and last pregnancy. I shouldn't have to sit here in tears every day but I am just completely lost what to do.

[Liviam]

Just re-read my post and I sound so selfish. Like it's all about me. Definitely not what I meant. I understand my parents are grieving the loss of their grandchild. What am I going to do?!?!?

[LuluHB]

Lovely gorgeous Dan. You are so far from selfish its not funny. I'd like to come and give your Mum a bit of a smack if that's ok. I can't imagine how hard it must have been for your sister but however hard it is for us to deal with losses and others' pregnancies, somewhere underneath it all you DO have to accept that life goes on, and that while your own life may be in the poo, others are entitled to happiness.

I can only hope that when your bub is born your Mum and Dad come to their senses and realise that where there is loss there is also new, wonderful life. I also hope that your sister is soon pregnant again and can experience some baby joy too. I honestly don't think there is anything more you can do than what you've done. You shouldn't have to apologise for the choices you have made for your own family, and you of all people are entitled to joy, happiness, support and love.

I wish I was there to give you a huge cuddle. Love you, and I for one can't wait to welcome your new baby into the world.

[Pandora]

Just re-read my post and I sound so selfish. Like it's all about me. Definitely not what I meant. I understand my parents are grieving the loss of their grandchild. What am I going to do?!?!?

Im sorry, but it is about you. Its about you and your sister.
I really do not get where your parents are coming from at all How you have hurt *them*? You need to give them time?
Your sister's experience is one thing and I can try to empathise with her position, but your parents one I find oddly puzzling.

[Beach Mama]

Oh Dan I can't imagine how hurt you must be, especially seeing as we know what a gorgeous woman you are who wanted to cause your sister as little pain as possible hun. The other girls have given you loads of advice hun and I don't really have any other than to suggest talking to your sister? I am a talker so I don't know if this is way off the mark and maybe not even possible at this point in the the grieving process. As for your parents, I would be point blank telling your mum how hurt you are, how you hope they will be a part of your kids lives and deal as graciously as you have been. Wish I could wrap you up in a big real ...Any trips for Melbs planned soon? You know where I live Thinking of you darls. xoxox