Beata70, I read your post about your little one and am soo sorry As you are on the same learning curve as I am and I know how difficult it can be when everything is still so raw and you still have some "firsts" to come, I'd just like to say that if you can (and believe me some days its easier than others) find one thing to be grateful for and write it down on a piece of paper or in a diary. Its amazing how even on the worst day there is always something that will bring a smile to your face.

Susan - thanks so much hun, seems I am having a bad week this week just one blow after another but I know I will get through it, I always do. I am so sorry for the loss of your son. I guess in someways people may not want to talk about him for various reasons a) its upsetting for them because they miss him and may feel like they are upsetting you and your family if they do, b) may not know how to bring him up in conversation.

I make sure when I am talking to people that I mention Nikita's name in the hope that they realise that if I am talking about her then its ok to talk about her. I know its a bit different as she really wasn't alive for very long compared to your son. I also make sure I tell people that they can't possibly make me upset and that I cry anyway and not to feel bad if I cry when I talk to them.... YKWIM??

On a positive note.

When I was going to the shower this morning (we have our shower in the outside bathroom) I glanced over to Niki's memorial garden and noticed and brilliant red and sunny yellow lilly had finally blossomed. they are the cheeriest blooms I now wished I had planted more of them. maybe I can pop some more in next year for Niki's birthday.