Christmas - how do you deal with it?

[Miss.B]

Hi Nae Nae and Susan,

Thanks for your advice, I think I'll need to do as you say as I thought I was doing OK. In the support group that I go to all the girls said that they were dreading xmas, and I thought at that time, oh I'll be OK....Well it's a lot harder than I thought but my partner Alan just loves xmas so I'll make an effort for his sake.
I think seeing the palnt bloom at your little angel Niki's memorial garden is so lovely, it's like she's saying 'Hello !'.

Susan, I'm so sorry for the loss of your son Brendan. I think it's awful when your own family avoids talking about what's happened. Like Nae Nae said sometimes people don't know what to say or are afraid to start a conversation about a baby/child that passed away, but in my case I talk about Joshua often, and it forces poeple to acknowledge him and then they don't feel so uncomfortable because I started the convesation. It's just such a shame that I always have to start it first....

All my love
Beata xx

[mummy of many]

Hello Nae Nae & Beata, I will always talk about my Son Brendan,but if the people around me don`t like it,well too bad for them.You can`t erase your childs memories,your flesh & blood that you loved with every inch of your heart & soul.I know how it might feel uncomfortable,but in my case neither me or my hubbies family offered us support when we needed it the most,& those things i will never forget either. I?m feeling a bit down today too,just getting the Chrissy shopping done for the other children makes it hard as i feel i have always foregotten Brendan.Sounds silly to some but i always buy him a small gift & place it under our tree for him,and visit the cemetary sometime during xmas day.

Nae Nae- What a wonderful suprise,to see a lovely flower in your special garden,it`s probably meant to add some cheer to your life. I truely believe in our loved ones trying to make contact with us after thet have passed. We have feather`s left around our house & car,how does anyone explain that to us?

Sending cheerful wishes your way, ladies, hope next year will bring us some happiness.

[NaeNae]

Susan - I don't know if you have the room - you could plant something in Brendans memory and every year add something around it. Niki's actual memorial plant is a newish species of magnolia called "Vulcan" it has hot pink flowers but is a slow growing tree.
Its funny hpow disappointing the lack of support can be especially from those you are closest too. I think I would forever hold a grudge, kinda do towards mum but thats a whole other story.
I would also take the feathers as a sign you have been visited and think thats very special.
I have very strong dreams occasionally and thats when Niki visits

Beata - I am sure your partner Alan will be understanding if you don't feel up to such an effort this year - maybe he doesn't want to either?


lots of love to all x x x

[Miss.B]

hey Susan,

I hate when sometimes people get funny when I talk about Joshua, it's like they start to dissolve at a mere mention of his name....What a shame people get so funny, I wonder how they would feel if the roles were reversed ( not that I would ever wish that upon anybody ! ).

I never feel funny talking about Joshua because like you said he is my flesh and blood and although he isn't here with me phisically, he's always in my heart and I aways carry him with me where ever I go.
It really is such a shame your family wasn't/isn't more supportive. But I'll tell you something. Sometimes people closest to you don't say anything because they're afraid how you'll react and they don't want to upset you.

When Joshua was born, my mum was ( according to her ) a bigger mess than me. Pleeeeeese. I think she forgot who actually gave birth to an angel. I know she was grieving for a grandson she never got to spoil ( her first grandson, so I do forgive here a little bit ) but after about a month she told me it would be better if I didn' t grieve for Joshua anymore because I might spiral into depression....oh how bad that would be for her if I turned around and said I didn't want to have more babies because the experience scared the hell out of me. She just wants to a have a grandchild, but she forgets that I need to grieve my little boy and remember him as much as possible as memories do fade, but I will never, ever forget him.

Anyway, I think you should talk about Brendan wherever and whenever you like and if that makes some people uncomfortable, tough. He was, he is, and he always will be your baby boy and his short but beautiful life should be honoured at every opportunity.

Wishing you well in the New Year,

love and hugs

Beata xxxxx


QUOTE=beata70;1548541]Hi Nae Nae and Susan,

Thanks for your advice, I think I'll need to do as you say as I thought I was doing OK. In the support group that I go to all the girls said that they were dreading xmas, and I thought at that time, oh I'll be OK....Well it's a lot harder than I thought but my partner Alan just loves xmas so I'll make an effort for his sake.
I think seeing the palnt bloom at your little angel Niki's memorial garden is so lovely, it's like she's saying 'Hello !'.

Susan, I'm so sorry for the loss of your son Brendan. I think it's awful when your own family avoids talking about what's happened. Like Nae Nae said sometimes people don't know what to say or are afraid to start a conversation about a baby/child that passed away, but in my case I talk about Joshua often, and it forces poeple to acknowledge him and then they don't feel so uncomfortable because I started the convesation. It's just such a shame that I always have to start it first....

All my love
Beata xx [/QUOTE]

[Miss.B]

Hi NaeNae,

I think that's beautiful that you dream of your little girl, I always ask Joshua to visit me in my dreams but I haven't had one of him yet, maybe soon.......I hope.

Al loves xmas too much not to celebrate it ( he is so xmasy but I'm not overly xmasy ) but he's got 3 grown up kids from his previous merriage so he loves to celebrate it with them. Which I can totally understand, I just don't mask my feeling as well as he does. I know he was devestated when we lost Joshua, occasionally he'll talk about him.

Oh well, here comes xmas whether we feel like celebrating or not, I know that our litle angels will be nearby.

My friend told me she got me a Joshua tree, so I'm looking forward to planting it and creating a spot for Josh. Right now I have him at home with us.

Love and hugs

Beata xxxxxxx

[NaeNae]

Hi NaeNae,

I think that's beautiful that you dream of your little girl, I always ask Joshua to visit me in my dreams but I haven't had one of him yet, maybe soon.......I hope.

Beata xxxxxxx

You know perhaps Joshua is visiting you or leaving you messages that he has been in other ways. I have found that little signs are always there and usually come about in a subtle way.
I don't ask for dreams its just what happens with me. It never happens when I ask for it though and for all my wanting to see her I never actually do I just 'know" she is there.

For Susan it seems her visits are noted with a feather being left.

[Lisa]

This is my 3rd Xmas without Noah, and every Christmas I feel down.
Every Christmas I buy Noah some type of Angel. This year I bought a glass bauble for the tree that has a glass angel inside it which is holding a heart... I am going to have Noah's name etched onto it. The bauble signifies that Noah is a part of our christmas celebrations (the bauble) he is my angel and he is holding my heart.
I buy things for Noah every christmas & birthday. My family do acknowledge how it feels for me... it is difficult, even if I have had a baby since, there is still a big part of my heart & soul that have been torn from me... and every christmas I am reminded that I should have another child here with me, destroying wrapping paper, wearing a paper hat and eating christmas goodies...but he is only here with me in my heart... and sometimes that is the hardest thing to remember.

[Miss.B]

Nae, that's just the thing. I don't feel Joshua and I can't recall any subtle signs that he's around, maybe I'm missing them ?? Sometimes I have these clear dreams that my grandma gives me a huge hug and asks me how I am and that's her way of coming through in my dreams. That's why I thought Josh would do as well.

On another note.....Wanted to ask you hun, do you think you will really consider a stich next time you're pregnant ? I read your post somewhere else and I got to know your story a bit more. I think you said the doc didn't think it was IC it was the contractions that started the whole process. The thought also occured to me, but my OB said that my cervix was tight shut at my 20 w scan. My mum spoke to her doc and she mentioned the IC but I don't know why my doc won't even consider it as sometimes things progress from nothing to something in a short space of time....???

Lisa, I'm sorry for your loss and that's how I feel too about xmas too. Our boys were both from October, and at almost the same gestation ( 20 d 6 d ). I wonder if next xmas will feel differently....mum again tried to tell me today I should move on and shouldn't dwell in the past. I hardly think I can forget about Josh, I just don't get her.

I also bought Josh a hand painted xmas ball to hang on the tree, and I'll buy him a xmas gift too. i think that's such a lovely idea. I also have a sleeping baby in angel wings with 'Baby's first Christmas' I'll hang this up too.

Love and hugs to you both

[NaeNae]

Gosh Lisa I didn't even think about future Christmas'

I really like your angel bauble for the tree I have thought about finding a Christmas fairy (not an angel) as I have fairies in her garden bu haven't come across the "one" yet.
If you don't mind me asking - what do you do with Noah's angels? do you have a shelf where they are displayed?
I have thought about getting Niki a gift but when I have suggested it to others they thought it was a dumb idea/.waste of money seeing she will never see or use it.

Beata - yeah thats right. I had contractions 4 days before I went into hospital so I s'pose its like spontaneous labour once the process started there was no stopping it. As for a stitch, at this stage I am prepared to wait and see how things go - I may ask for one once I am pregnant again but the thing is once its in it weakens the cervix so if there is no problem with the cervix to begin why put it in YKWIM?? I will be monitored weekly and have ultrasounds with a specialist in these types of areas so ultimately unless I feel otherwise I will go with their recommendations - unless I feel otherwise

There are risks associated with the stitch so its got to be worth the risk.

NN x