Hello everyone, do you mind if I join in?
I've had quite the ride over the past year, which somewhat pinnacled this week.

Last March, I was 37 weeks pregnant with my first baby and I noticed that I hadn't felt bub move for a little while. I didn't think much of it as we had just had a scan and Doppler the day before and everything was tracking along perfectly, and I'd had zero complications throughout the pregnancy. I was healthy and so was bub. I was in the "waiting game" zone of my pregnancy.
When I woke up the next day and I noticed no movement again, we decided to go to the hospital to get checked out. There began the most difficult year of our lives. With a few small words, a room full of people and a long uncomfortable silence, our lives shattered into pieces and I faced the reality of giving birth to my daughter still.
48 hours later, after a 5 hour labour, she was born easily and we cried many tears.
Since her death, the last year has been somewhat of a blur of highs and lows. I've had cervical laser treatment, I've been in and out of hospital and doctors to have every test you can think of, all of which came back perfectly, we've organised a funeral, and landscaped and built a memorial garden, we've fundraised for SIDS and been introduced to heartbreak beyond anything we could imagine.
So you can imagine, we were pretty excited to get some happy news when finding out we were pregnant a few months after we were given the all clear after cervical surgery for an abnormal pap, in December last year. After feeling a bit anxious for a few weeks, on Xmas day, I spent the night in hospital after the bleeding began. Boxing Day (my birthday) my miscarriage really ramped up and I toasted the year 2013 away with a lovely bottle of red, after losing our second bub.
January was a mix of emotions but with a second loss came a sense of resilience, perspective and strength. I reconnected with nature, with food, with painting and with the joy of life. After 9 months since our stillbirth, I finally felt like a stuck back together, better version of myself again.
Excitedly, we became pregnant again in February (seems we don't have trouble with that bit!), and I felt a lot more confident and calm this time. My symptoms were strong and this reassured me! I felt better than ever for the journey ahead, and felt like I was in a good place to handle the pregnancy ahead of me.
On Tuesday morning (I was six weeks pregnant), I lay in bed feeling pretty ordinary with what I thought was morning sickness. Then the dull pain started in my right abdomen, and I automatically knew. I called hubby when I couldn't move off the bathroom floor as I tried to bring my fever down on the cold tiles. I asked him to come home and pick me up and take me straight to hospital, which he did worriedly and they found I was bleeding internally and my tube had ruptured. My blood pressure was 70/49 and they rushed me straight into surgery, which extended to a two day stay. I'm home now and feeling pretty resilient after everything we've been through, but also quite aware from our past losses that things will come up later, unexpectedly, and probably amplified by the approaching 1 year milestone of losing our daughter.
What a story! Sometimes I read it and think "is this really my life? What a bloody great movie this would make!"
We have gotten through these hurdles with a lot of hard work, love and support around us, determination to not let the enormity and anger take over, tenderness for each other, hours of counselling and journaling and really tough self development and some more hard work I forget how hard I have worked to get here. It's not easy staying on track and stay strong whilst letting yourself feel the devastation and all the other emotions and reactions that come up when you get thrown so many curveballs.
I'm told my fertility shouldn't be affected and my other tube looked healthy, as did my ovaries. I have endometriosis so that's a slight issue, but I'm being referred to my specialist again and we'll tackle the whole Summery story
I was just talking to hubby about it, asking how he is (he got a real fright this week) and he said he feels like now this is our normal, and so it's not shocking anymore when we have to deal with something. Repeated exposure to trauma and disappointment over a year has made us super resilient and maybe abit numb. We know what to expect, what sort of feelings that approach and leave, and we are good at measuring our energy and observing our bodies and minds as things come up.
Can anyone relate?
There's no real point to my post other than to reach out and say hello, and share my story. I have a strong urge to share my story now, I feel like a wealth of knowledge and experience on all things womanly and challenging now! Funnily enough, I'm in a line of work that sees me building others capacity and resilience so it seems fitting that my journey has been full of hurdles.
Thanks for listening