Roosa, i am so sorry for ur loss. I too have been through a very similar time as u. Last year on 19th Dec my little girl Isabella was born at 17 weeks, 7:06am at 17cm and 100 grams. She was the most beautiful, precious baby i have ever seen in my life. Although the circumstances as to why she passed away are different to urs, i can understand completely how u are feeling. We too got to hold her, had pics taken, wrapped her in a blanket i had already bought for her, got her footprints done and had a prayer said for her as she laid there, peaceful in her crib at the hospital. I did not know how i would get through it all. I think i was still shocked from the labour and everything that had happened just so quickly that it was only when we left the hospital, that it had really hit me- hard.
I am very lucky to have a very supportive partner who has been there with and for me through it all. It was tough being so close to xmas, that i just wanted last year to be over.
I think that i masked my pain to an extent around my family as they did not understand the extent of it. My mu had come for the birth and got to hold her beautiful grandaughter, so that helped take the strain of my DP but i think i was 'pushed' into 'getting over' what had happened to me, hat i am now only having lost another bub last week at 11 weeks, just starting to grieve all over again.
What i had done, when i had the strength, was make a special box for all the beautiful things i had bought Izzy before she was born. I had also kept the pregnancy tests, my wristband from the hospital, her clothes, photo albums that my mum had engraved and i scrapbooked all her ultrasound pics and birth pics with beautiful borders and words from the heart. My DP and i also bought a necklace with the letter 'I' hanging from it so it's always close to my heart.
We had also had a ceremony for her at our hospital where we got to light a 'special' candle for her and we spread her ashes next month in a beautiful baby garden that they have near their chapel there.
All of these things have definately helped me grieve and move on, although i will never forget. I know u feel like u have been dealt with the worst possible card, and you can only ask 'why' and yearn for ur little girl, but just remember, u can always talk to her and know that she will always love u and remember that special moment when she was laying in your arms, feeling ur heart beat against hers.
I don't have any answers, but just take the time u need. Cry whenever u want to cry, scream, yell and do anything that helps. Get a teddy bear that reminds u of her and cuddle it every chance u get. U are not alone, she is with u every second of the day, u just can't see her all the time but she will visit u in ur dreams when the time is right. Just trust in the bigger picture and the pain will eventually ease.
I hope i have helped a little bit. I am always here if u ever need to chat. Say whatever u are feeling, no one is judgemental here.
Take special care xoxoxo
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