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Thread: Missing my little man

  1. #1

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    Angry Missing my little man

    Hi

    My name is Kristy and I have only just started visiting this site which has brought me some comfort in my darkest hours. I lost my dear sweet little man Harrison William exactly 10 days ago. He was 36weeks and 2 days, 5lbs 13oz and 50cm long. I have had a very difficult pregnancy with a lot of unanswered questions. I lost Harrison's twin in the first trimester and they think Harrison may have had a condition called VATERs. My husband and I feel so helpless at the moment so if anyone can shed some light on this condition I would be so very grateful. We are going to meet with the doctor later this month to discuss what has happend, but I feel like I am going crazy in the meantime. This is my first pregnancy and I keep wishing that I will wake up and it is all a terrible dream. I never realised how much I could miss my little man. Everyone keeps telling me that it is only early days but I just can't see how you can ever recover from this.

    Just when I thought my life couldn't get any worse I had the most terrible back pain yesterday. My sweet husband rushed me to the hospital and it turns out that I have an infection. Nothing antibiotics won't fix but I just feel so angry. This was the time in my life I was looking forward to and nothing seems to be going well. I know I shouldn't be judgemental, but when we were at the hospital I saw a heavily pregnant woman having a smoke, it made me so mad! I didn't even touch coffee during my pregnancy and I just feel that it is so very unfair.

    My hubby and I still want to have children but I am worried that I will spend the rest of my life as a nervous wreck.



    I love Harrison so very much and I just want to hold my baby in my arms.
    Kristy

  2. #2

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    Kirsty, Im so deeply sorry to hear of your loss, especially so late in your pregnancy, i have not heard of this condition before but just wanted let you know that you have come to the right place for support. Im so very sorry you had to experience such a loss.

  3. #3
    malimum Guest

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    Hi kristy,

    Im so sorry that you have lost so much..........my heart to goes out 2 you and your family I dont feel that u will ever forget, a loss of a child is a harrowing experience, and grief is made up of all different emotions.......i do hope that you take all the support that you need and get offered to help u thru this difficult time. And dont be so hard on yourself, i know that sounds like a common cliche but your allowed to grieve in ur own way and what ever way you want. I hope and that things work out for you.

    Take care, and even tho i dont know u, u are in my thoughts

    Malimum

  4. #4

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    Hi Kristy,

    Firstly, words cannot express just how deeply sorry I am on the loss of your beautiful boy Harrison & also his twin as well. It just broke my heart to read your story.

    The lovely ladies here on BB are so extremely compassionate & understanding & caring, & while I don't know anything about VATER's, I'm sure that somebody on here will. There is a huge wealth of knowledge between all the ladies & I myself have learned so many different things since I've been a part of it.

    I have to admit, the people who have told you that it's just the early days have made me upset! You have every right to feel every emotion that you want to & take your own time to grieve. It's never going to be easy when you have a broken heart. Of course you want baby Harrison back, that feeling will never go away, I just hope that your Doctor can give you some answers on why he was taken from you. Have you made a special place in your house that is dedicated to Harrison. I know some of the ladies have a special shelf or cupboard or their mantlepieces are the places where they place their memories & different things of their angels. Lots of women even make beautiful rose gardens complete with water features etc... Maybe you could make something like that in your home & put some candles around and light them in remembrance of Harrison & his twin. Perhaps you even have photo's or hand and footprint plaques that you could display?

    I wish you (with a huge sadness in my own heart), the strength to continue and the best of luck when meeting with your Doctor to hopefully find you some answers & give you some type of closure.

    We are always here to lend a shoulder & a listening ear.

    Love Jayne xox

  5. #5

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    Kristy,
    I can not begin to imagine your feelings of loss. I hope that you are able to find some answers at your ob. appmnt. You are certainly in the right place here though. I have found the girls on BB so supportive and reading about others in similar circumstances helps you to realise that you are not alone. It is very easy to feel alone-- I hope that you find some comfort from the beautiful ladies here.

  6. #6
    tiggy Guest

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    Kristy,

    Honey, I am so sorry for the loss of your special little guy. There are no words that I can say. The pain is so raw when you lose a little baby and every feeling and emotion that you are having is right.
    Be kind to yourself. I hope you find some answers. I hope that you find strength and peace as you travel this long journey of grief.

  7. #7

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    Thank you for your kind words.

    The one thing I have learnt out of this terrible experience is that the kindness of strangers is so very comforting.

    I'll be back tomorrow and wish you all the very sweetest of dreams.

  8. #8

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    Kristy
    :hugs: I am so deeply very sorry for the loss of your precious beautiful baby boy.
    I know the future weeks, and even days just seem too painful to be able to carry on through,,,,but just try to only think one day ahead at a time, and be kind to yourself hun,,,,,Greif knows no time frame, so dont rush yourself
    As Jayne posted above, it does help cope with the loss a bit if you can in your own way, create a tribute to your little one, wether it be a display/shrine, plant a tree or flowers in a dedicated spot, scrapbook a diary album of your little one, etc.
    I lost my precious Kaitlyn at 30 weeks, with no reason found, and have got a display cabinet full of things i have bought for her birthdays/christmas each year, little angel and fairy figurines, tiny teddies etc,,,,around a precious photo i have of her. This way, anyone who comes into my home, and even my own children know how much a very special and loved person she was, and still is in our hearts.
    It doesnt matter if family, or other people dont understand why you need to do something special for your little one,,,as it is not for them, it is for you. Many a hard lonely night after everyone else had gone to bed, I found myself just going through the photos i have of her, and looking through all the precious things we have bought for her,,,,it helped me cry, and release the pain, and gradually after alot of time, i even managed a smile for the love I have for her being in our lives.
    We are all here for you hun, so please, dont hesitate in letting us help you through this time.

  9. #9

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    I am so sorry for the loss of your son ~Harrison ~ and his twin.I to lost my daughter [email protected] to unknown reasons.All these bubs are created with so much love that is why it hurts so much to lose them.
    God bless you and give you strength.

    We will never stop missing our children and wishing things could be different. but it does get better.Right now it seems like bad dream but you do get through the storm and see rainbows.

    As Lil Aussie said - create memories as many as you can because they help in the grieving and healing.Draw on your great personal strength as you continue this journey. You are the proud mother of 2 little beautiful angel babies. Though it is not as we intended the love continues.I hope and pray the future holds much happiness in regards to more children.

    There is NOTHING I could possible say to ease your pain. But know that in time it does get a little better. Even 2 yrs down. The horrid sadness turns to [bitter]sweet memories.I know that many may mean well in the things they say, but most of the time they make no sense to us in our grieving.

    I met a mum who lost her daughter over 40 yrs ago and she still sheds a few quiet tears but also remembers the incredible love.I know our beautiful angels are watching over us always.
    Trish
    "~♥~ DD Charlotte Rose 1/9/04 26wks ~♥~"
    Samuel & Joel God's Gifts 1st July 06 - here after 14yrs of waiting

  10. #10

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    Kristy, I am so terribly sorry for your loss. I wish I could give you the answers to make it all better but sadly I don't think that they exsits. I have never been in your position but can honestly say I hope I am never there as I would not cope at all.

    I googled VATERs & the very first site listed is a MSNgroups site & seems to have a very informed page of information about this syndrom. I wont copy & paste on to here though. If & when you are ready you may like to have a look at it. I may give you some answers.

    Big hugs to you & I hope that you have a future filled with the joy that children bring. Hugs to you & your DH.

  11. #11

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    Im so very very sorry....words seem so useless....and life seems so unfair. Thinking of you at this sad time.

    Jo

  12. #12

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    Kristy,
    Again I am so sorry for your loss.
    My SIL lost two late term babies - one at 24w and one at 27w because of an incompetant cervix.
    Sometimes I am amazed at her strength to get through it all, but her babies are still a very big part of her life.
    The grave at the cemetary is covered with toys, andthese are changed with the seasons. Its very much a rememberence spot for her. Whenever we go to the cemetary, we always sneak a little chocoloate for the girls, and everyone on both sides of the family acknowledges the loss.
    In addition, my SIL has photos of the babies on the walls of her house. While it makes me feel a little uncomfy, I understand that she needs to do this for her heart, so we just go with it. All presents and cards etc are always signed from the babies, as well as her living 3yo, and we just accept it.

    I guess what I am saying is that some people choose to live with constant reminders of their angel babies, and some chose to hide it away. You need to do what is right for you and your DH in order to remember Harrison. And if that seems to be against the grain of what normal society expects, who cares. Its your loss, and you have the right to mourn as long and in whatever way you choose.

    I'm thinking of you, and wishing you strength at this tough time.

  13. #13

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    I am so sorry for your loss - words are nothing - I am thinking of you and thinking of your husband

  14. #14

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    Kristy- I'm so sorry for you and DH. I can't imagine what you're feeling, it's such a sad & terrible thing. I hope your path of life becomes easier with each step. Thinking of you both,

  15. #15

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    Fi, I coundnt have said it better myself hun.

  16. #16

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    Today seems particularily hard. It is a week since we had the memorial service for Harrison and my mind is running into overdrive. I keep thinking what if I had gone to hospital earlier, maybe my little boy would be here with me. The labour keeps going over and over in my mind also. I know what I am feeling is all totally normal, but it just hurts so much.

    Thanks to all the wonderful women who have suggested ways to remember Harrison. The midwife's at the hospital helped my Hubby and I create some really cherished memories. I guess one saving grace is that for the day we had him, Harrison looked just like a normal bub so we have some pictures, footprints and a lock of his hair. I find myself looking at those pictures all throughout the day just trying to convince myself that this isn't a joke.

    I gives me such strenght though to know that there are women out there who have survived this. My hubby thinks we should try to get out of the house later on this week, if only just for a short while.. It will be just over two weeks since I had Harry and I am not sure if I can manage it. He thinks some time in the fresh air will be good for us if only for a few moments.

    For those of you have suffered loss, how long did it take you to face the world?

  17. #17

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    Kirsty - take your time and maybe go somewhere not too busy where you will be reminded of babies and pregnant women - I found this the most upsetting. We first went out a few days later to a garden/pots/ornament shop actually and bought an angel sleeping in a shell - (hard to describe) but at least not the shopping centre.Then we had father's day too and Family stuff.
    It all seems surreal and you go through the motions but inside you feel so different.
    Take each day one hour at a time,or moment at a time.
    Trish
    "~♥~ DD Charlotte Rose 1/9/04 26wks ~♥~"
    Samuel & Joel God's Gifts 1st July 06

  18. #18

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    Dear Kristy,

    I am hear sheding tears for your Harrison, My Katelyn and all the other babies who have been taken in such a tragic way. I am so sorry for both the loss of Harrison and his twin. It is such a hard road to travel and there is nothing that anyone can say or do in this world to make it better. I dont know anything about VATER's, i was wondering though if you could possibly bring your doctors appointment forward because it sounds to me as though you need to talk his condition through with the Medical staff that were involved in yours and Harrisons care. My heart goes out to you and your husband at this time.

    You asked about how long it took to face the world and honestly i shut myself away for a long time, it was for me the only way to deal with my grief, was slowly and to not expect to much of myself.

    As for getting some fresh air, can i suggest that you find a beautiful place where in time you can go for a picnic on Harrisons special days where you can spend time in peace and quite and remember him always. Rowan and I chose a place where i used to spend a lot of time swimming as a child it was a place with happy memories where we go twice a year and have a picnic to remember our Katelyn and the joy she brought into our lives. We are planning to do this for the rest of our lives as our family grows.

    Katelyn was only with us for 18 weeks into the pregnancy but i love her just as much as i love my living Child Lucy (who was born 11 months to the day of Katelyn's birth).

    I dont know what else to say other than that i am thinking of you and your husband and your beautiful boy Harrison.

    Love Sarah xx

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