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Thread: Missing my little man

  1. #19

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    Kristy,
    When i lost me little girl, i was not given the option of hiding away till i could cope,,,my first born (DS who was at the time 15 months old)had to have heart surgery in brisbane only 3 days after i birthed her. I just kind of went into auto pilot as i had to be there for him. We also nearly lost him in surgery, and i think my little sweet angel had him in her arms,was looking over him and keeping him safe.
    For a VERY long time after we got home finally though,,,I was so bottled up inside,and just refused to let myself greive. I felt that if i kept strong, did not cry, and kindoff refused to break down, all the hurt would go away. I ended up with depression, and it just made my whole greiving process so much longer. It also did not help that it came back to me that family had been commenting that I must not have felt anything for her, as I did not shed a tear at the funeral. But I was trying to keep it together long enough to make it through till after my sons surgery, as we had to leave for brisbane only 20 minutes after the funeral.
    While they did not mean to be so callous, they just could not understand that this is the only way I could get through all this at the time.
    I would really try to get out with your hubby if you feel you can hun, somewhere away from ppl, maybe by a river etc, and just "be together". he is hurting too, and at this time, you can be each others strength. I made the mistake of shutting everyone out, and so did my hubby,,,,,,,it nearly tore us apart.
    He sounds so loving, and really wants to be able to get through this together.
    I really hope that somehow, the two of you can figure out how to deal with this time in your own way.


  2. #20

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    My SIL is very lucky that the kids section of the cemetary they are buries is just lovely.. very sad of course, but they are able to express themselves on the graves, and there are beautiful gardens and seats all around for them to sit and contemplate. It also looks over teh bay in Geelong, so its really nice.

    How absolutely wonderful of the midwife to help you with photos and footprints. My SIL also has all these things framed, can I suggest when its not too raw you find someone who can frame these for you? I think you could do something really nice as a memorium with them.

    I dont know what to suggest about getting out. I know I would fall to pieces in your shoes, and people would be the last thing you need to deal with. It does sound like you need a de-brief with the hospital, particularly since blaming yourself for any part of this is just not a good way to go. Regardless of what happened, none of it will ever be your fault.

    I'm pleased we are helping in some small way.

  3. #21

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    Thanks for the advice Sarah. We are going to try to get some air today as you suggested. It seems like every day I am faced with sad reminders. Today I was supposed to be 38 weeks and looking forward to the most exciting time in my life and instead I am sitting at my computer in my PJ's feeling so sad. I feel like the days are just taking so long stuck in the four walls of this house so we are going to just start with a drive to the beach.

    Can I please ask a question. I presume DH means the babys daddy but what does it actually stand for? Sorry if it sounds stupid but I really don't know.

    Spring Angel

  4. #22

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    DH means Darling Husband, or is it Dear Husband. One of the two anyway. Or if you having a ***** about him could be used as Doddle head LOL.

  5. #23

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    Hi Kristy,

    I have been thinking about you today and wondered how you went with your drive to the beach. I know it is hard to face the days that we know that we would have been joyously celebrating had our babies lived. I always find it helpful to do something constructive on Katelyn's two days (her acutal birthdate and her due date), usually we try to spend the day together in quite recollection of the miracle of her life. Sometimes i go to the Chapel at the hospital where she was born (where we held her naming ceremony) as her name is printed in a book there if we are not going for our picnic on that day (we usually go on the weekend closest). The lead up to these days are worse than the actual days becuase i always feel better when i am doing something for Katelyn. It is still to early for you and i really feel for you with your due date approaching in two weeks. Like i said yesterday dont expect to much of yourself at this time. You will forever remember both Harrison and your little twin and they will always be a part of your lives as Katelyn is of our family.

    Love Sarah xx

  6. #24

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    Hi Sarah

    Thank you so much for thinking about me. The way you remember Katelyn is really touching and I am so grateful that you have shared your ideas with me. The trip to the beach was a failure!!! I had a shower, got dressed but just couldn't make it out the door and ended up curled up on my bed crying. My DH (I know what this means now) totally understood and we are going to try again later on in the week.

    How did you ever gain the strengh to fall pregnant again? I really want to have children and my Ob/Gyn said that this happening again would be like being struck by lightning twice and that it is not disloyal to Harrison or his twin if we try again. I feel a competing battle within myself to grieve for Harrison but I also find myself wanting to fall pregant as soon as possible. . My Ob/Gyn said that for some women having another bubba as soon as possible is a way to heal and other women decide never to try again. I have booked an appointment with him as soon as he was available which isn't until 7 November. I really want to talk to him at the earliest possible opportunity but I also think that having the time to clear my thoughts will be good. Do I sound as confused as I feel?

  7. #25

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    Hi Kristy, It saddens me to read about Harrison. Although no-one ever knows exactly how another is feeling, to a certain degree I do understand. I also lost my Nicholas on 05/09/2006 at 36 weeks and 1 day, and I am also new to this site today. We are probably feeling very similar things right now (I have posted my story on this site titled "our little angel"). This was also my first pregnancy. This has only just happened for you but its 6 weeks down the track for me and although it seems like a lifetime ago it also seems like yesterday he was still kicking around inside. I still have my good and bad days and can cry at the drop of a hat, but a couple of weeks ago I forced myself to go back to work which helped cause its has given me a reason to get out of bed each morning, although everyone is different. My partner and I are now trying to get pregnant again, and I think it will be a very hard pregnancy, probably the longest 9 months of my life but I feel like its something I need to do and feel that if I can have a healthy little baby at the end it will be worth all of the stress. I think its the only thing that can even begin to ease my pain. When you do see your obstetrician, no matter what they say to you just do what is right in your heart cause only you know you whereas they know statistics. I am going through the same thoughts as you in regards to another baby, but I honestly think Harrison and his twin would just want you guys to be happy and if that means trying again then that is what they would want. That's what I keep trying to tell myself anyway. I also keep telling myself that surely everything will be ok this time because I have my little angel to watch over me, and you have your two little angels to watch over you.

    Mel

    P.S. I have found that talking to people has been the main thing that has kept me going, I have had a lot of support and if it will help you even in the slightest to talk to someone please feel free to email me: [email protected]

  8. #26

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    Hi Kristy,

    I just wanted to let you know how sorry I am to hear of the loss of your son Harrison and his little twin. I wish I had some magic words that would somehow ease your pain or make a difference to the way you are feeling, but unfortunately I know that there just aren't any.

    I lost my first child - my daughter Georgia - at 2 days old in March 2004. I had suffered serious complications towards the end of my pregnancy and she was delivered early at 35 weeks, but sadly it was too late for her. I remember the days/weeks/months after her death like it was yesterday and I really feel for you and the position that you are in at the moment. I can honestly tell you though, that time does ease the pain. (Sounds like an awful cliche I know, but it is true). I still miss my daughter every single day, but with time it doesn't hurt as much to remember.

    I hope you will keep visiting. Like Mel said above, talking to others really does help. I am very grateful to many of the girls here for the support they gave me after I lost Georgia. I spent a lot of time at home on the computer (on BellyBelly) when like you, I didn't feel like going out and facing the world. Give yourself time and go when you feel ready. Don't be upset with yourself if you aren't ready straight away. It is a pretty daunting prospect, I know.

    I will be thinking of you and will check in again to see how you are going...

  9. #27

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    Hi Kristy,

    Please dont say that because you couldnt make it out of the house just yet that the attempted trip was a "failure", you have come further than before to heading out that door and that has to be an acheivement in itself. Maybe leaving the house is just to much just yet, can i just suggest sitting outside in the sunshine (providing its sunny there of course) can be your first step and dont be too hard on yourself. I didnt really do anything socially until 6 months after Katelyn had been born and of course i would have been 3 months pregnant with Lucy at that time aswell.

    I cant tell you how we all found the strength to get pregnant again but for me i just wanted to experience some of the joy of pregnancy again (like having a great scan etc) rather than just Katelyn's loss. I tried to go on thinking like Mel said that Katelyn would have wanted me to be happy and if she was here she would have loved little brothers and sisters (as i was an only child after my parents had 9 miscarriages and that was all i can remember wanting as a young child) so i had to keep trying to fall pregnant. I did at times feel guilty for wanting another child but you know that your love for Harrison can never be replaced and it will never be deminished when another child is born, he and his twin will both always have their special places in your heart and having a sibling for them is not a betrayl. I like to think that Katelyn understands all these thoughts that float around in my head as i do feel her presence with me everyday.

    There are other things that i have done to remember Katelyn and if you like i can share these with you next time i post. Like i have said before i am an open book.

    Love Sarah xx

    Hi Mel,

    I havent read your story (i will go there in a second) but i am really sorry to hear about the loss of your little boy. I am 2 and a half years down the track from when Katelyn was born and i do still have good and bad days and cry at the drop of a hat too but the good days will start to outnumber the bad as you find a way (which we all do) to celebrate the miracle of your sons life in your life. As you have said another pregnancy will be an extremely anxious time but there is lots of support on BB to help you through. I am currently in my second pregnancy after having Katelyn (the first after resulted in my beautiful daughter Lucy who is the light of my life) and both times i have relied heavily on the support of my friends on BB like Bec77 above to help me through so there are lots of people here for you when that times comes because nobody who hasnt lost a baby can truly understand how difficult it is to try again. I will go and read your thread now.

    Love Sarah xx

  10. #28

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    Kristy and Mel
    The loss of your beautiful babies is a pain that never ends. It just gets easier to deal with on a day to day basis. Be kind to yourself and give yourself time to heal and grieve.

    DH and I lost our first baby nearly a year ago. We TTC almost immediately for the same reasons as many others ... we wanted a baby, we were ready for a baby and a new pregnancy was in no way going to alter our feelings for Caitlyn (I now know 4 angel Caitlyn's - with different spellings of course!!) It has taken us much longer to conceive than we hoped but we are currently pregnant and hoping for a positive outcome this time. I am terrified.

    We took many photos and made frames with photos of Caitlyn's hands and feet and her name and birthdate in the centre. We gave one each to our parents, my sister, one of DH's brothers and my best friend who was to be our support person and was present for Caitlyn's birth anyway. Our framed picture sits on the sideboard next to Caitlyn's ashes in the cute little urn we chose. We named a star after her on her due date which will be a permanent reminder that she is always around and we can *see* her each year too.

    There are many ways to remember your angel and to keep them with you. There are many of us to support you on the path of healing.

  11. #29

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    Hi fellow BBers

    Mel, Thanks so much me for offering me your personal email address. That is such a kind gesture from you during such a difficult time. I am going to send you an email tomorrow after a good nights sleep and probably yet another good cry.

    Sarah your advice about my ill-fated trip was very sweet. I was really down on myself but I realise that I am probably pushing myself. I have been feeling a little less emotional this afternoon. I suspect this is only temporary, but I am trying to focus on the good things that will come out of this experience although I don't quite know what they are yet. I guess meeting all the wonderful women on BB (if only in cyberspace) is a wonderful gift.

    I can tell my DH is feeling the stress of all of this. He has been so very supportive and so strong throughout all of this that I think I need to pay some attention to him. When I finally got moving this morning, I saw that he had been into the nursery and opened the windows and curtains. That meant so very much to me because he hasn't done that before. I think that we are going to try going to the movies tonight. I know this is a massive step but my DH doesn't want to leave me alone at all and he is slowing going crazy cooped up in this house.. As of tomorrow it has been two weeks at home apart from the memorial service and collecting Harrison's ashes although it feels like a lifetime. My DH said that he doesn't care if we buy the movie tickets and then I decide that I want to leave, that he is proud of me for just trying.

    Dearest KAB, it is inspirational to hear that someone who has sufferred such a loss of a dear little baby girl can offer such encouragment. You must be very brave and I keep reading your post and the posts of other ladies to help me realise that this isn't a bad dream that I am going to wake up from. Thank you, you will never really know how much this means to me.

    I will be back tomorrow for sure. Thank you to all of you for helping me get through this pain.

    Sweet dreams.
    Kristy xxooxx

  12. #30

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    Michelle71 - The midwife's at the hospital helped us create some wonderful memories just like the ones you created for your dear little girl Caitlyn. I am so very sorry for your loss. I really like the idea of naming a star after Harrison. With his due date only 13 days away my DH and I are trying to think of ways to mark the day. I am dreading it but also I feel that it will be yet another difficult day that we will survive together.

    I am so very happy for you and your DH that after such a difficult experience you are pregnant. I will be wishing you the best of luck with every ounce of my being.

    Take care of yourself and the amazing little miracle growing inside of you.

  13. #31

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    Ok Kristy,

    I am going to share something with you (and i guess the whole of BB) that i have never told another person besides my DH (as he was with me). We quite often used to go to the movies in the months after Katelyn was born. We traveled to the town that she was born in (one town away from where we live), i used to take Katelyn's ashes with me as i just couldnt bear to be parted from her. For the whole movie i would sit there holding her in my hands because i felt in some small way she was still with me. I didnt take her many other places because i was to scared that something would happen to her (but we always take her on our picnics for her) but sitting there in the dark i wanted to have her with me. I hope that this helps you somewhat because it helped me at the time that if i couldnt have her in my belly then i would hold her in my arms. In time i came to realise that she lived within me, her heart beat within me and that she would always be with me no matter where i was or what i did. Harrison is watching over you too.

    I hope that you can manage to get out of the house today with your DH, he sounds like he is a great support to you and very understanding, it was beautiful that he opened the curtains as he is obviously feeling the loss of Harrison too.

    I am thinking of you today and remember that you are not alone, we are all here for you and whilst we dont feel exactly what you feel we do understand.

    Love Sarah xx

  14. #32

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    Hi Sarah

    Thank you for sharing that with me, I look at Harrison's urn as if it is him. I go and give him kisses all throughout the day and talk to him. I'm sure from someone on the outside looking in I might seem a little crazy but it just feels perfectly natural to me.

    We made it to the movies and to be honest I think getting out was what we both needed. I didn't even make it down the street before I started crying but I am so happy that we perservered had some time out together.

    I took a little photo album that I have full of pictures of Harrison and my family to the movies with me. Just knowing that I had a reminder of him close to me made me feel better. I felt like I shouldn't be going out without him, but my DH told me that he is always with us no matter what. I can completely understand why you took Katelyn's ashes with you to the movies, you are her mother and the instinct to have her near to you doesn't fade. Harrison's urn is made of solid bronze so I can't really lift it at the moment, but I really like your idea of taking him on a picnic, that is such a sweet idea and I might see if I am up to it on his due date.

    Thanks for being so very honest with me.
    Take care
    Kristy

  15. #33

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    Hey Kristy,

    Well done on making it to the movies and i think its great that you took his photo album with you, your hubby is right though he is always with you no matter where you are or what you are doing.

    Its also not crazy to see his ashes as him, i give Katelyn a kiss in the morning and talk to her a bit and then its also the last thing that i do at night. I believe in doing whatever it is that helps you through the day no matter how nuts or weird it may seem to someone else.

    Another thing that i did a few days after Katelyn was born is that my DH and i went to a jewellery shop and brought a nice gold chain with a nice gold K on it so i always had a physical reminder of her with me. Just another idea for you.

    Talk soon

    Love Sarah xx

  16. #34
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    Hi Kristy, I just read ur post & no words can ever explain how touched & sorry I am for the loss of your precious children. You & hubby r travelling the hardest road there is & my prayers r with you. Take as long as you need b4 u venture back out into the world b/c there's no sugar coating it, it will be hard; esp. when u face all those pregnant women & babies. Nothing will take away the pain u r feeling right now, but in time u will learn to live with it, even though that may seem impossible at the moment. That doesn't mean u have to stop remembering your little ones. Take care of yourself and know that your angels r watching over you & giving you the strength to get thru this. Once again, I am so very sorry....many, many hugs to you both

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