Hubby and I have been together for 12 yrs, married for 3 yrs and have been trying to fall pregant for the 3 yrs of marriage. Last year we fell pregnant; we were so excited we told immediate friends and family only. The "safe" period of 12 weeks passed and we spead our fantastic news like wild fire; everyone was so happy for us. We were to be the first on both sides of the family to give a grandchild so it was something rather special. 14 weeks came, we miscarried.

I started spot bleeding on the Saturday, Sunday I went to the GP. Luckily I had already had an appointment with my OB that Monday; he said I lost the baby but wanted to confirm with the Hospital ultrasound machine as it was more accurate; I was alone - hubby was at work. Upset and trying to hold myslef together I drove myself to the hospital, had the untrasound; which confirmed my loss; I was alone. I had to wait 45min, alone for the scans to then take back to my OB so he could again tell me I lost my baby; again I was alone. I had to wait in his waiting room which was filled with lots of pregnant mums and babies; again I was alone. Somehow I managed to drive myself home and the rest was a blur. Days of crying and staring into space. Nights were the worst. During the day you can occupy yourself with something to keep your mind off it but at night, that's all you think of. I think I cried myself to sleep for nearly 2 weeks. Hubby was really great and my family were wonderful. It's such a strange feeling to feel so loved yet so empty at the same time.

Anyway, time does heal all wounds. I do have good days and then there are the bad ones too. We started trying again about 9-10 months ago and no success so last month I went to hospital and had investigative surgery to see if I had anything wrong with me. It looks as of our only real chance of falling again is if we go through the IVF program. We could fall pregnant naturally but it's unlikely. Aparently we were just "lucky" last time. I was doing o.k until yesterday.

Yesterday I found out that my sister-in-law in pregnant after only 5 months of trying. I don't know??? I want to be happy for them but I'm not. I spent all last night crying and can't stop today. I feel like I did last year when I lost the baby. I feel empty again and I want it to stop. It's not like it's jealousy. It's like now I have to see her go through the stages of what I went through and it's going to be a constant reminder of what I lost and what I may not be able to experiance ever again. I don't want a constant reminder of last year, it was the worst period of my life.

I'm dreading seeing her. I don't want to see her. I'm afraid that I'll cry and I don't want to upset her. It's a happy time for her but I can't be happy for her, not yet. I'm not looking forward to family gatherings, dreading christmas and I don't think I want to go to her baby shower. I want to aviod full contact all together.

The funny thing is is that a close friend of ours announced their pregnancy a couple of months ago. I was o.k when they told us face to face but the next day I was a bit teary. After a few days I was o.k. This time with my sister-in-law, I'm completely different. I'm not happy for them at all. I don't want to think about it and I certainly don't want to be around people talking about it. I cut my husband off and change the subject, I just can't talk about it yet. I want to pretend it's not happeneing. I think the difference is; is that when our friends told us it was before we found out we have to go through IVF, now with my sister-in-law's news I know that we're going to have a difficulty falling and the possibility of not falling at all.

I'm not really ready to go through IVF. I don't want to feel that pain of loosing a baby again. But this now is going to be a constant reminder of what we had and what we lost and what we may not ever have.

Has anyone been in a similar situation and if so how did you pull through because I want to be happy for them and I don't want to feel anymore pain.