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Thread: trouble concieving when other people are falling pregnant at a drop of a hat

  1. #1
    nomorepain Guest

    Default trouble concieving when other people are falling pregnant at a drop of a hat

    Hubby and I have been together for 12 yrs, married for 3 yrs and have been trying to fall pregant for the 3 yrs of marriage. Last year we fell pregnant; we were so excited we told immediate friends and family only. The "safe" period of 12 weeks passed and we spead our fantastic news like wild fire; everyone was so happy for us. We were to be the first on both sides of the family to give a grandchild so it was something rather special. 14 weeks came, we miscarried.

    I started spot bleeding on the Saturday, Sunday I went to the GP. Luckily I had already had an appointment with my OB that Monday; he said I lost the baby but wanted to confirm with the Hospital ultrasound machine as it was more accurate; I was alone - hubby was at work. Upset and trying to hold myslef together I drove myself to the hospital, had the untrasound; which confirmed my loss; I was alone. I had to wait 45min, alone for the scans to then take back to my OB so he could again tell me I lost my baby; again I was alone. I had to wait in his waiting room which was filled with lots of pregnant mums and babies; again I was alone. Somehow I managed to drive myself home and the rest was a blur. Days of crying and staring into space. Nights were the worst. During the day you can occupy yourself with something to keep your mind off it but at night, that's all you think of. I think I cried myself to sleep for nearly 2 weeks. Hubby was really great and my family were wonderful. It's such a strange feeling to feel so loved yet so empty at the same time.

    Anyway, time does heal all wounds. I do have good days and then there are the bad ones too. We started trying again about 9-10 months ago and no success so last month I went to hospital and had investigative surgery to see if I had anything wrong with me. It looks as of our only real chance of falling again is if we go through the IVF program. We could fall pregnant naturally but it's unlikely. Aparently we were just "lucky" last time. I was doing o.k until yesterday.

    Yesterday I found out that my sister-in-law in pregnant after only 5 months of trying. I don't know??? I want to be happy for them but I'm not. I spent all last night crying and can't stop today. I feel like I did last year when I lost the baby. I feel empty again and I want it to stop. It's not like it's jealousy. It's like now I have to see her go through the stages of what I went through and it's going to be a constant reminder of what I lost and what I may not be able to experiance ever again. I don't want a constant reminder of last year, it was the worst period of my life.

    I'm dreading seeing her. I don't want to see her. I'm afraid that I'll cry and I don't want to upset her. It's a happy time for her but I can't be happy for her, not yet. I'm not looking forward to family gatherings, dreading christmas and I don't think I want to go to her baby shower. I want to aviod full contact all together.

    The funny thing is is that a close friend of ours announced their pregnancy a couple of months ago. I was o.k when they told us face to face but the next day I was a bit teary. After a few days I was o.k. This time with my sister-in-law, I'm completely different. I'm not happy for them at all. I don't want to think about it and I certainly don't want to be around people talking about it. I cut my husband off and change the subject, I just can't talk about it yet. I want to pretend it's not happeneing. I think the difference is; is that when our friends told us it was before we found out we have to go through IVF, now with my sister-in-law's news I know that we're going to have a difficulty falling and the possibility of not falling at all.

    I'm not really ready to go through IVF. I don't want to feel that pain of loosing a baby again. But this now is going to be a constant reminder of what we had and what we lost and what we may not ever have.

    Has anyone been in a similar situation and if so how did you pull through because I want to be happy for them and I don't want to feel anymore pain.


  2. #2

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    nomorepain,
    I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your precious baby.
    I have been in a similar situation to you. I lost my baby Noah in February at 20w 5d. My sister at the time was about 14 weeks pregnant. After I lost Noah, I didn't want to contact my sister, and part of me was so jealous that she was pregnant and I wasn't. It took my DH and I almost 2 years to fall pregnant with Noah, and my sister fell pregnant without trying.
    My nephew was born in August, and I admit, I was a little apprehensive about meeting him... thankfully, I had a cold at the time so I got some time to really wrap my head around the thought of him. When I first held Taj, I went to call him Noah... thankfully, my sister and my whole family have been very understanding about my feelings.
    With support from your family and friends (IRL and on bellybelly) You will find that you will be ok with time. My thoughts and prayers will be with you through your IVF journey. Fingers crossed it will be a short and successful one
    Lisa

  3. #3

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    nomorepain........sweetie, your story is like a mirror image of mine. I had a late miscarriage in July 2002 (at 13 weeks) after 3 years TTC, then took a further 9 months to concieve again, after loads of testing.

    In that time my SIL also got pg, easily, and I was eaten away with emotions. I cried like a banshee and then avoided them for months, awful, but it was the only way I could deal with it. I look back now, and I was just in a horrible dark depressed place.

    In terms of how to deal, we actually did some farily drastic things: moved interstate, I took on a new job, took on new projects etc: all to distract and to enable me to attempt to feel some hope, despite feeling like a "failure" at the "getting pregnant" thing.

    I did then eventually get pregnant, I now have 2 small children and another on the way, so there IS hope.

    Thinking of you.

    Use BellyBelly and anyone else you can to TALK and to air your feelings and get support. Don't be afraid to gieve and wallow in self pity if that is what helps you come out feeling slightly better eventually.

    Take care,

  4. #4
    wishing&hoping Guest

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    Nomorepain,

    You are so brave! for you....

    I know many people where IVF has worked, if you decide to go ahead with it, it may give you something to look forward to, its up to you and your DH ofcourse.

    Good luck and I'm sending you lots of

    xxx

  5. #5

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    I'm sorry for your loss. Its sounds like it was a terrible time for you guys, and that things haven't eased up all that much.
    I'm a lucky one that does fall pregnant at the drop of a hat it seems, but I have also suffered a loss - a missed misscarriage at 11w. Like you, we had just started telling everyone.
    It was a hard time, and in my mind the only thing that would take my pain away was to get pregnant again as quickly as possible. I guess its the whole getting back on the horse thing.
    Even now though - 9m down the track and 6m into another pregnancy, I still have pangs of heartbreak, as anyone who has suffered a loss like this will tell you - healing takes time. And this time varies from person to person.
    IVF is a pretty tough road to go down - so I think I completely understand you when you say you aren't ready to try that yet. Part of being a parent is being constantly faced with fears about losing a child. Illness, Medical Conditions, Accidents could all take a child from a parent at any time, so what you are feeling - the fear of what if, is part of your journey to be a parent.
    Its really hard when people around you are pregnant. They may understand some of what you are feeling, so perhaps an option would be to say to them "I am truly happy for you, but its hard to put that out there when I am having my own issues with losing a baby". I dont know if thats the sort of thing you can say, but maybe it would help.

    Again - I am really sorry for your loss. I hope we can offer the support you need.

  6. #6

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    I am so sorry to hear of your loss and I understand that friends and family falling pregnant around you is upsetting. I too went through a similar experience. My DH and I had been trying for what seemed to be forever without success until we saw a specialist only to come back with a reason of unexplained. He put us on clomid and we did fall pregnant on our 3rd month with twins. Everything seemed to be going fine. A really good friend of mine was only 3 weeks ahead of me so it was an exciting time until complications started to occur around 22 weeks and I lost our beautiful girls.

    Like you we went through a very hard time and when we did start to ttc it seemed to take awhile meanwhile both couples on each side of us fell pregnant which was SO hard. You want to be happy for them but everytime you catch up with an old friend etc they seem to be telling you they are pregnant.

    We decided to go down the IVF path and we are now 11 weeks pregnant with our miracle baby. It was first go.

    The whole process has made the relationship with DH closer and I think we will definetly be more appreciative parents.

    I wish you all the best and hope your dream comes true soon.

    Linda

  7. #7
    nomorepain Guest

    Default Thank you

    Hi Everyone,

    Thank you for your comments, support and suggestions, I really appreciate it. I cried all day yesterday and cried myself asleep last night. Today I still feel teary. My husband is really good, we talked last night. It's hard though because it's is brother. Although I'm not saying anything bad or nasty about his family, I feel like a real ***** in regards to the way I'm feeling. Why can't I be happy for them? Luckily for me my sister is a phsycologist and I had a good chat with her. I felt like it was either her or booking in to see someone. She said that it's completely normal to feel like this. So I'm not a ***** after all.

    My Mother In Law called last night; didn't pick up the phone (we've got call display so we knew it was her). She left a message and asked for my husband to call her back. I know she's wanting to see how we are and how we are coping. My husband addmitted that at first he was apprehensive about the news but he seems o.k with it now. I just can't be happy for them, not at the moment.

    I own and run my own samll business and last year when we lost the baby I threw myself into work. Great for keeping my mind off things and it was even better for business (the business realy florished). Yesterday though, I did nothing. Hid in my house and cried. I have to get off my butt and once again throw myself into work. Unfortunately I don't have the luxury of moving interstate but if I could, I'd move in a flash.

    I'm not ready to start IVF. This bombshell has stirred up all these emotions and the last thing I need to deal with is another dissapointment of a fail attempt. My husband has tried to lighten things up by saying "how exciting, you'll be an Aunty" but to be honest I couldn't care less if I never meet the new arrival. I know it's not it's fault and it's obviously something internally I have to deal with. The last thing I want though is for family to feel as if they need to tip toe around me and worse of all to think that I'm wollowing in self pitty.

    One day at a time I suppose....

  8. #8

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    Hey chickie,

    What you are feeling is normal...it's not self-pity, it's just a heart felt reaction to something that is very dear to you...totally understandable...totally real...

    Give yourself time...time to be angry, to cry...to do what you need to do...

    Give yourself space...space from others, space from making decisions, space from "needing to cope"...some of the best advice I ever heard was "giving yourself some space isn't selfish, it's self preservation"...sometimes you just need to limit contact for a bit...that's okay...

    Each day at at time...

    I totally understand (my SIL is 8 months pregnant)...and it does get easier, truly...I still have tough times, but I have watched myself and my DH get stronger and deeper over the last 8 months. You will too.

    Trust yourself, trust your heart...and look after it.

    Thinking of you.

  9. #9

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    I'm so sorry about the loss of your much wanted baby.

    I have not had any miscarriages myself but tried and failed to fall pregnant for three years before one very lucky IVF cycle gave us our boy. I know a little about those awful feelings that you wish you didn't have.

    I too didn't wish ill of others who had children but I just couldn't bear to look at babies and pregnant bellies and I really couldn't handle being king hit emotionally every time someone announced a pregnancy. It's got to be one of the most invisible forms of grief out there but it is no less valid for being so.

    Monnie is right - look at your needing space as a bit of self preservation because that is what you need most at the moment.

    IVF is never a certain road for sure but it does offer more hope. I wish you all the best for the journey ahead.

    Mel

  10. #10

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    nomorepain

    I am so sorry for your loss.
    It is heartbreaking enough to go though that, then have to deal with all these other feelings thrown in too.
    It is so normal to not want to see your SIL. I had the same feelings.
    When my sister was pg with her last 2 it was so hard and hurtful . A part of me was happy for her, and happy that her lifes road was going the way she wanted. But it was a constant reminder of that my life was not. it was sooo hard seeing the new born babies. And to be honest it still is very hard seeing new borns. I think you need to follow your heart and do what you feel right at the time. You do need to look after your heart too.

    IVF is not an easy road to go down. For me it really was not the question of weather or not I was ready to do IVF, it was- was I ready to do anything I can to be a mother.
    You have to do what is right for you.

    Sending you many hugs!

  11. #11

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    Nomorepain,

    I totally echo yours and the other ladies thoughts in this thread.

    Quote' .... we could fall pregnant naturally but it's unlikely. Aparently we were just "lucky" last time....'
    One of the other ladies in this forum Danni (I hope that is ok using your name Danni) & I am sure many of the other ladies in this forum were told the same thing and Danni is now, as she says 'having their natural miracle', so it is possible.

    Good luck with your ttc journey, I really hope you get a BFP and go onto to have a H&H pg.

    Big cuddles to you & DH

  12. #12
    nomorepain Guest

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    Thanks Monnie, your absolutely right. I just need to take some time to wrap my head around this and to have some space. Talk about space. My Mother-In-Law called last night (again). We do have call display so I called out to my husband saying that it was for him. 2 minutes later he came to me, handed me the phone and said it was for me. I froze. I just couldn't do it. It sounds silly I know especially when you have a mother-in-law like mine. She's absolutely gorgeous and have known her for 12 years so she's just a really good friend. I couldn't talk to her though. I don't want her to hear or see me upset as it's her other son who is having the baby. I can't say anything that may seem nasty whether it's intentional or not as it's her son.

    She's a sweety though. My husband came back into the ktchen and said that she's got this afternoon off and if I'd like she can come over with a tub of chocolate icecream and two spoons. I just can't do it, emotionally. Also I've got the afternoon booked with clients so the last thing I need is for them to come around and see me all puffy red eyed from crying.

    My brother-in-law is very incensitive. He knows that we've lost a baby a year ago and have since had trouble concieving/investgative surgery etc and then to also know that we have to go through the IVF process if we want to be successful but he still makes very inappropriate comments. We'd be at the family table and he'd just blurt out in front of everyone including myself and my husband "when I knock kelly up..." and "Kelly's going to have one by her feet, one in her arms and one in the oven!" and "if I have anything to do with it Kelly's going to pregnant for 5 years straight". Ohhh myyyy. How much more can I take. If he was that incensitive before his "wonderful" news, how can I possibly see them? It's guartenteed that he's going to just blurt out and say something. It's like he doesn't even know or care what he's doing. My mother-in-law (his mum) has taken him aside and told him several times but he just deosn't seem to care. I can't deal with him or the whole thing at the moment.

    My sister (the phsycologist) has suggested starting a journal. She said that it helps to get all your feelings out and written down. She said that once written down you can start to make sense of what your feeling and it stops you from bottling things up. This forum has helped though which in some way is similar to a journal (writing down thoughts) and so far you girls have been wonderful. Family can only say so much to make you feel better but at the end of the day they really don't know what your going through.

  13. #13

    Default sorry to hear about your loss

    Although i havent been able to fall pregnant and cant say i know what you have been through, i have been with my partner for 5 years, not using protection for 3 and have not fallen pregnant.. I have tried and tried and tried yet i still get my regular periods every month on the same exact day!

    when i tried the first month i ended up being late the next month, then the next then the next.. its like im trying to fall pregnant but then it misses it.. I feel shattered as to knowing i have endometriosis and cysts.. which i blame myself for not being able to fall pregnant! i have thought of IVF as well but am too scared to try it... whereas my sister has concieved 3 times just like that but i cant, she even suggested that she will carry my baby for me. To me i am appreciative of it but i cant do it.. to me it will feel like its her baby not mine because i didnt carry it.

    I wish you all the best if you do go forward with it.. and i will pray for all you ladies out there who are trying to fall pregnant and have tried for so long.. I pray for all you ladies who have lost your own and will conceive again in no time..

    Until then, i will still keep trying!
    Linda
    Last edited by linda; March 30th, 2009 at 06:05 PM.

  14. #14

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    Since I lost Jayvan I have had a pregnancy announcement each month. I know exactly how you feel! It's very hard... but I've learnt that I'm happy for the people that get "lucky", I'm just sad for myself & DF that we haven't been able to experience the same joy yet. The same goes as when I see someone pregnant, and think wow I should be 34 weeks now, that should be me!!

    TTC is such a huge life lesson, especially after a loss. It teaches patience above all else, which is a very hard lesson to learn and a hard way to learn it! So far we have been trying for 3 months. I know 3 months sounds like nothing, but for me it's a big deal. I'm only 21, and generally the stereotype is 21 year olds can get pregnant just by looking at each other We're now taking 3 months off as I'm horribly run down and our Dr's said that it would do me and bub more good in the long run. Patience Patience!

    After losing our bub I would cry everytime I saw my SIL little bub, who was 6 months old at the time. It really did make her feel aweful for making me so upset (and I felt aweful for making her feel that way!) but they understood, your SIL should understand your emotions as well.

    My suggestion to you is to join BellyBelly and meet all the amazing woman that have gone through similar things has what you have. It's nice to know that we're not alone in this, and that we are to some extent "normal" even though we are all forced together by something not so nice.

    good luck chick xx

  15. #15

    Default dealing with loss and trying to fall pregnant when others are falling preganat

    i feel as if the whole world is falling pregnant except me. I was 1 day off being 6months when I lost my baby due to still born. We have being trying since the end of last year however recently I found out that my sister in law is pregnant. I was to happy for her but at the same time i dont know how I am meant to feel. I just thought that I would fall pregant sooner. It sucks trying becausse in the past i have fallen pregnant easily and now I am not having the same luck. I have tried everything from doing things right to doing things wrong and still nothing is working and every month is a disappointment. Just wish things were different
    Last edited by Miss Smiles; March 26th, 2010 at 09:49 PM.

  16. #16

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    Just an idea and i dont know if someone else has mentioned it but do you also think that you are mourning the loss of giving the family the 1st grandchild? It might be why you were ok with the friends but angry at the SIL? I think that is perfectly normal and just another thing that people dont realise whats involved in a loss.

    Im so sorry you are sad~!

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