Nearly 10 years old and still bedwetting most nights

[Sammiejane]

Not sure if t his is in the right place becasue of DSS age so please move if required.

My DSS stopped wearing night time nappoes when he was about 3 (nearly 7 years ago) and he did fairly well - accidents maybe fortnightly
From the age of about 6 he has steadily got worse and he is now wetting the bed most nights.
There are a few things that are contributing to this
1) when he was 6 his Mum went off the rails a bit (drug taking and poor behaviour) so i think this started for attention seeking.
2) His Mum doesnt like washing sheets so puts him in dry nites, because it doesnt matter if he is wet
3) he has been doing it for so long now that he really believe that most kids still do, its normal behaviour and that he will just stop one day all by himself/

Things we have done over the years
He has been to RCh for bed wetting alarms - his mum didnt like it thou as it woke her up
put on medication for spasming bladder (ditropan) but that wasnt the problem so all it did was hype him up and make him aggressive (off them now)
Had a reward system with stars
We would stay up until midnight to wake him to go to the toilet - his Mum wouldnt do it as she would be too tired
We bought him an alarm to set so she wouldnt have to get up but it would wake her too so she wouldnt let him use it

We recognise that she will not do the same things as us, so it makes his learning very difficult, we have also tried talking with him and explaining that the reason that he gets so many colds is because he lies in his wee all night (he doesnt get up if he is wet, just takes off his clothes and finds a dry spot in the bed)
We have also taken away some of the things that he likes as a form of punishment, ie no sleep overs and not allowed to ride his motorbike (rationale: these are for kids that are grown up - not babies)

Now before anyone jumps up and down about the punishment thing please realise 2 things
1)we have nothing else to try
2) he is aware that he needs to go to the toilet - in fact he wakes up, but then chooses not to go to the toilet.

Oh yeah, when we renovated we changed all our plans and put in another toilet that is close to his bedroom so that he doesnt have far to go.

It has now got to the point that we dont want to take him away on hoildays with us, as we know that every morning i will have to strip the sheets and wash them (this also rules out us staying in hotels as it is embarressing that he distroys beds)
He sleeps on a 'pinky' which is also known as a 'kylie' which i got from the hospital... they are used as adult incontinence sheets and cover the most of bed - but he still manages to wet the pillow, doona cover, the pinky and the bottom sheet.

We have tried to reason with his mum, to get her to take some action, but DSS tells us that when he wets his drynite, he takes it off and if his bed is wet he will just go and sleep in her bed with her.

He is on School Camp for the first time in a month and we have tried telling him that even though the teachers will help him bne discreet, if any of the other kids find out that he is bed wetting most nights he will be teased... he said he had already thought of that and just thought that he would wear his drynites and then that would be all fine - we have asked him how he will get them on and off without anyone knowing - the disposal is the thing that he will find more difficult

I am now at the stage (i know that this is awful) that i am almost hoping that he will get teased at school camp as then he will know that we have been trying to help him all along

Oh yeah - last thing, when we use to sit him down and tell him that we were really disappointed etc and he needs to stop - his Mum would ringthe next week telling us thet DSS didnt want to come over as he is worried that he would wet his bed and get tyold off - so he would stay with her and be allowed to wet the bed.

Anyone got any other ideas????

We now dread getting up in the morning as we know that we are going to be met with a smell room and i will have to do a load of washing at 6am before going to work.

Thanks and i hope you all dont think that i am awful

[totalfrog]

I don't think you are being awful!! I think you are at the end of your rope!! It must be really hard for you guys when his mum is just letting the problem go on. You would think she would want to work with you to help her son. The only thing I can think of is some form of counselling for him as it sounds like the problem isn't a physical one but you would probably have to convince his mum to be into it too. Good Luck - I hope things improve soon!!

[megs11]

ohhhh. I don't know what to say to help you, I think you have been very honest about your feelings in this post, I do admire you for that. I guess you know that 1 in 10 kids still wet the bed at this age, that doesn't help much though.

Is it possible to get his mother to go with all of you to the GP?

It is no solution, but he is 10 a may just grow out of it, as he gets a bit bigger he may really realise that it is socially not acceptable and be ready to change then.

Sorry that isn't much help is it? His mother sounds like she isn't really much help

Good luck.

[*charmalea*]

hey , gosh you have been through alot , and i dont have any answers . but there is a toilet behaviour lady ( dont know what they are called :P )
near me and i have heard her speak a few times .

maybe a pshycologist needs to be seen, if he knows he does it , there could be a reason why, which needs to surface , and when it does it will go away.

or a behiavorial therapist.... they could help....

as i said i dont know the answer , but for your sake , and the rest of the familys sake , counselling could work ... kwim

i am thinking about your dss on camp. i hope nothing nasty , like teasing come from it....

and shun me if you may , but the mum needs to pull her socks up by the sounds of things , take responsibilty for her son ... place the task back on her ... and if she doenst activley want to care for her son , then there may be other issuses the need to be adressed ..

you have exshausted all you can, hugs for you ...

[{sarah}]

he is aware that he needs to go to the toilet - in fact he wakes up, but then chooses not to go to the toilet.

If this is definitely the case, that he does not want to get up at night, then you can probably teach him that it is not acceptable in *your* house. I'm sure he has different rules at mum's house to dad's house anyway. Keep going with the alarm at your house if you're happy to, he will learn that he has to get up at your house.

Otherwise there may be some psychological reason why he's not getting up. Is he frightened of the dark or something like that? Did something happen at mum's house at night which means he doesn't like getting up in the night?

[Sammiejane]

Hi Guys,

Thanks for the assistance. he has been seeing a councollor for years now - His mum thinks that he has ' behavioural problems' (non of these have been displayed at our place EVER) His concellor has recommended that we dont discuss the bed wetting as it may distress him. I really believe that she continues all this as she then still has something to complain about - as sad as it is.
there are certianly issues that need to be addressed, unfortunatly we have been down those avenues when she was using drugs, but the DHS say that it is better to keep the child with the mother and they will support her!
Besides, there is one think that i have leant over the years - Mum is always Mum... No matter what they do, or how bad they are children only have one and they will love their Mum unconditioanlly. So there is no point us ever bad mouthing her (i think there will be a time but not at this age) as all it will do is negitvly effect DSS.

Thanks for your support guys - glad to know that i am not the wicked step mum!

[castle]

You are not awful!!
The fact is that without the cooperation of his mum, it's unlikely that anything will happen until HE wants it to.
I suggest taking him to the GP (or better, ring the GP and speak privately about this first) and asking for a referral to a urologist, preferably a paediatric urologist. REally jump up and down about that, say it's gone on for far too long and making the whole family miserable. It may take 4-6 months to get an appt, but ask if the GP can ring and get you in sooner.
In the meantime, since you've got all the pyschological issues going on with him and his mother, I suggest that you stop trying to do anything about it...at all. Buy the dry nites (yes I know they're expensive), use the pinky and do what you can to avoid the laundry. Just make sure he puts his own dry nites in the bin. NOTHING that you or his dad can do will make him want to use the toilet at night, or it would have worked by now. So just let it go. This way, what you two and his mother do will be more or less the same, so there will be fewer conflicts too
The urologists, especially the paed ones, are used to dealing with this sort of thing. Trust me...they've seen every problem under the sun. They may say he needs a psych referral, but I think they'll want to handle it themselves. Let the plan of action be between him & the doctor as much as possible. Tell the specialist everything. Usually you can say that you need to talk to them before he is seen, or just after....say that it has to be a private conversation.
General opinion would be that if bedwetting is going on by age 10, no matter what the reason, a urologist's opinion is a good idea. This is because there is heaps of research over the past 10+ years which have shown that many of our old ideas about bedwetting & bladder/bowel control problems in general are wrong. Most problems which were thought to be totally psychological are now known to actually be physical--even when there are psychological factors too. In other words, there may well be some sort of physical issue going on with your SS, although if so it must be minor. Anyway, that is something for the urologist to sort out. This is why you need to get a referral. Your GP may or may not be familiar with this stuff. Also, it will probably make more of an impression on your sson if the specialist talks to him, rather than the GP.
Also, just to add, I found the urologists to be much more help than the paediatricians. This is their issue and they know it inside out. (We've moved around a bit, so have seen 3. All excellent.)
Don't punish your SS. It hasn't worked and it won't work. As far as the school camp, just let him take his dry nites. He'll be able to change in the bathroom. If he wears boxers or pyjamas over, they are really not noticeable. In the morning, he will get up first thing and put them in a plastic bag, and then either bin the dry nite or save the bag to take home (yucky I know....). The thing is, either way the other kids probably will not notice.
My oldest DS is nearly 13 and still wets the bed. He has a diagnosed problem which is 24/7 and well under control. Now we are only dealing with the night-time, but like you I am "so over" it. It's because of his problem that I have learned so much about all of these issues.
Please pm me at any time if you have more specific questions, but I do really urge a visit to a urologist. HTH a bit!!

[Sammiejane]

Hi Sarah,
Thanks for that - for a long time there was no bed wetting at our house as it was not acceptable beaviour.
Re the getting up at night thing, he tells us that he is not scared to at our house (he does have a tourch in case) and now the toilet is less than 2 metres from his bedroom he doesnt have to go past any dark areas.
We talked about being scared and he admitted that he had a red light globe in his lamp at his mums house that made the shadows scary, we let her know this and suggested it could be removed - not sure if this has happend thou.
It is definatly the case as this is the reason that he often gives. We do acknowledge that at times there are real accidents, these are usually if he has had a huge day or a later night, but we try to comepensate for this with waking a bit later and checking on him through the night. the accidents dont bother us at all and we accept them. He is also usually very honest as to whether it was a really accident or whether he just didnt want to get up.
Sharleen - thanks for the tips, i think that we have tried every single one of these things. The pediatritian that he saw, would not medically treat any further as he realsied that it was DSS not getting up at night, not any disfunctional bladder issues. Which left us with not much further to go.
I think that the real problem is consistancy

[*Efjay*]

How often is DSS staying at your place? Is it possible that his Mum would agree to a longer stay with you guys so that you can help him with his bed wetting?
If you believe that the lack of consistancy & his mothers unwillingness to help (to tired etc, what a lame excuss!) then maybe if he was able to spend a month at your place you could try & get him into a good routine.
I am sure this is something you have also thought of & are doing but make sure he isn't having anything to Drink after say 6pm. Also I have been told that fizzy/sugar drinks are not good for bed wetters.
My younger brother use to wet the bed till he was in teens & even use to poo his pants till he was about 8 or 9 (that I know of, may have been longer but Mum didn't tell me about it).

I also have a friend who also wet the bed well into her teens.

Also with out it being meant as a punishment but maybe you coud make it his job to strip the bed & take it to the laundry to be washed. Let him be a part of the clean up so he learns that if he can't get up to go then he needs to clean it up. But I wouldn't make it as a punishment, just ask him to come help you & then he can help you make the bed again.

Good Luck with it.

[ele_ven27]

Hi Sammie,

First of all....well done! Sounds like you've been doing a fabulous job under challenging circumstances and having been willing to try whatever it takes to help your step son. I know your patience wears thin at times, but hang in there....what goes around comes around, and eventually, your step-son will appreciate your efforts and see things for what they really are as far as his mum is concerned, if you know what i mean. Yes, she will always be his mum, but it doesn't automatically mean she will have his respect.

The only thing i wanted to mention about the bedwetting is that it could be a neuro-physiological problem, related to his primary reflexes. All baby's are born with reflexes as we know, and these reflexes develop and integrate into the body at certain developmental stages and in certain sequences. These in turn help the brain and nervous system develop, particularly our movement and sensory responses. Sometimes, one or more of these reflexes don't integrate into the body correctly, for varying reasons, and the result can affect things such as voluntary movements, sensory perception, learning, behaviour. Prolonged bedwetting is a common indicator for a retained spinal reflex and can really easily be rectified with some simple exercises / massage / bodywork. It might take a bit of detective work to find someone who does this type of therapy, but may prove useful. You will need to look for someone who does Integration Therapy, or says they work with Primary Reflex Integration. Often, there are Chiropractors, Osteopaths, Massage Therapists or Behavioural Therapists who do such work. I'm a massage therapist who works a lot with children, and i have found this kind of therapy really useful, easy for the parents/kids to attend to and provides remarkable results.

If nothing else, it's something else that you can cross off the list of "Things we've Tried".

All the best in your endeavours and i hope you find a solution soon

[Sammiejane]

FionaJill Thanks for your reply - he has been stripping his bed and remaking it for the last 2 0r 3 years (although i am not sure that he does at his Mums)... We have offered to have him more often (we see him every other weekend and half of school hols) but his Mum has refused, this will sound nasty, but it is not for any other reason than she believes that she will be entitled to less money (for example, we offered to have him all of these holidays as she was working, but she wanted him to go to her friends houses, no kids - that DSS really dislikes, either that or he has to go to work with her and sit alone all day and he has vocalised that he would prefer to stay with us) So unfortunatly that wont work - when he did stay with us for an extended period he stopped wetting, but as soon as he returned to her place he started agian.

eleven27 thanks also for your comments, my sister is a myotherapist and i will get her to look into this. We are willing to try everything, and i think that your suggestion is the only one that we (DH and I) havent tried.

DH and i have had several chats about this and all of the comments so far. We had decided that we really are at the end of our options, so we are going to sort of ignore it, as in, not make a fuss if he is wet at all, and try not to make any comments and hopefully he will grow out of it. and support him if he wants to discuss - i think that is all we can do now.

[nicolelh]

the courts need a thumping for allowing this poor boy to stay with his mum even when she is just dumping him on friends and he doens't wnat to be there. would a urologist/paed or gp give a statement to the courts about the problems the inconsistency is causing?

if he is waking and just deciding not to go - could you insist that not only he change the sheets, but wash them himself as well and that he has to do it right then and there so he doens't jus get to avoid leaving his bed? sorry if that sounds too harsh - I've got no other ideas.

kudos to you for plugging on.

[Melly01]

I am sorry , I just wanted to offer some support, it must be hard trying to help him with something like that and then having the mother not be on the same page as you. Sounds like she is causing more problems than actually helping with any of it.

I recently heard that some people believe that having the tonsils removed can help with bed wetting, but that is more the case where I think the tonsils are causing sleep apnea or something. The child is having interrupted sleep so that when they are actually asleep they sleep much more deeply and don't wake up when they feel an urge to urinate. In an article on the NewScientist website (Bed-wetters could breathe easier), a doctor at the Prince of Wales Hospital in Sydney also suggests that a narrow palate which may cause the child to have breathing problems which would result in bed-wetting.

But from the sounds of it I'm not sure that that would apply to your DSS.

I just thought it was something interesting that I had never considered until recently. I used to wet the bed until I was 12 But not all the time, probably a couple of times a month. But still that was pretty embarrassing, even though a few of my friends still did it then too..

I hope you find something that helps soon and that DSS' mother actually goes along with it.