I so hear you Maz, ... i guess you could say i have battled these feelings since DP & i started trying for no#2 bub since our nearly 3year old DD was 14mths old ... i have had some days where i desperately try to place myself back in time & run through my mind how i remember those beautiful feelings of DD kicking inside me whilst pregnant felt & how it felt to have a gorgeous round belly ... i question myself if i can remember it correctly & do i remember exactly how it was, ... will i one day forget how it physically felt ... i just don't want to forget the tiniest thing like the creases in her skin on her tiny hands, how her mouth would quiver when she cried ... then the big things like how her body felt so light like a doll in my arms as a newborn, how she smelt from head to toe ... i fear one day i'm going to forget it all ... all those senses ... and photo's & DVD's of her just wont' be enough cause it's not the physical aspect of her as a baby

At times i feel like i'm going through some kind of grieving process because i won't be able to experience a newborn a second time, just one more time i didn't think was much to ask as a woman wanting a second chance to experience it all again and more importantly give the gift of a sibling that my DD deserves no less than any other child. I don't know if that's a natural process to feel like i am grieving as my heart use to feel heavier but as time goes by it is becoming lighter, doesn't mean some sadness & missing her as a baby has gone away but yes, it doesn't feel as painful as it use to

So, Maz i guess all i can say to you is that i so hope that there is some sort of natural instinct in us as Mother's that we can become softly okay with those yearnings & lovely feelings to not go away but just not weigh us down when we think of what we miss of them as babies but somehow turn it around at least a little and have a slight moment of yes i miss that but wow i remember that and what a memory of that i have locked away in my heart ... and lets hope that memory of that sweet baby smell is locked away with us until we are very old Mums in our twilight years

... And if we ever get desperate for a little moment of them physically as a baby even in years to come at least we can always find their 1st little baby curl of hair put aside and stroke it with our same hands that placed that little locket of hair away in it's keepsake tin all those years ago when they were our sweet smelling baby

Hugs to you Maz ... from Lorelle (and lil Cendrine) xox