do you really want to work in such an environment anyway
I've heard this so many times - I was a union delegate and the OHS Rep. I loved my job, I loved working locally, I loved the other people I worked with. Without getting into too much detail, I was being discriminated against for the roles I had as well as my age. Yes, I did want to work there, I didn't live the atmosphere of being bullied, so I did something about it. What did 'time out' as a child teach me about this situation in the adult world? Only that unfairness follows you into adulthood. I wasn't doing the wrong thing, and I find people telling me I need to look for work elsewhere because the guy who owns the business (not a manager) decides I'm too expensive (as an over 18yo!) and too clever to be pushed around by him and won't adore him (classic case of narcissistic personality, with a trail of wreckage behind him, as my union organiser dug up!). Time out doesn't prepare you for facing your consequences of your own behaviour and they don't teach you how to deal with other people's 'bad behaviour', either. Effective and empathic communication equip kids for the real world. As an adult, I couldn't stick this man in a chair and tell him to think about his actions, hoping he'd come back remorseful, telling me I still had secure hours, no matter my age, and that he would comply with OHS law as I had pointed it out (for the sake of his liability, right after the sake of my fellow employees' safety!) according to my elected role. So, why do to kids what no-one expects them to do as adults, and no-one wants them to accept being done to them as adults? I'd rather impart useful tools of communication and relationship-building to my kids.
Time outs and 'naughty chairs' don't teach kids how to get along in an adult world, not in the least.
Fionas - I get what you're saying and agree, for the most part. If you're working to change patterns you knew as a child, then it takes more effort than someone who didn't get punished. It is still a mental leap of faith to leave that behind and explore the fresh new world of reason, intrinsic rewards, and unconditional acceptance. Rewards are about approval, and kids deserve to know they are approved of all the time, not just when they do their homework, clean their rooms, use the potty etc. So, whilst not using smacking or naughty chairs is a bit of a no-brainer for a lot of us, the rationale behind not using rewards or withdrawals of approval is trickier to grasp when you're conditioned to the carrot-on-a-stick way our world works in most places. Despite my sticking to the point that it's initially harder to jump on board the 'no punishments, no rewards' bandwagon, once you understand the rationale, it is soooo much easier to make parenting decisions. For instance, I'm horribly aware of when others around me expect me to react to DS in a certain, conventional way. The easy part is speaking with DS, the harder part is tuning out the 'chatter' and the expectation that I'll 'punish', then the palpable disapproval of those who are disappointed that I didn't belittle my child and teach him about his place in the world. It's not hard anymore, mind you - it took some getting used to in the early days, and now it's quite natural What I meant, anyway, was that if you are of the thinking that it's ok to isolate a child and that they don't deserve your considered explanations of situations, with positive language, then it WILL seem harder to parent in the way I, and many others here do. It WILL take more emotional and brain energy to wrap your head around what seems to be a very contrary concept. It will even seem counter-intuitive.
Once you 'cross over', though, there's no looking back! No way do I wish I could just stick my child on a chair, or count down or count up to achieve compliance. It takes more patience than you think you've got, and it's really quite nice to take a deep breath and focus on your child's emotional welfare and really connecting with their needs (which, by the way, is a really good way to get them out of 'attention-seeking behavour'...because they're getting their needs met!).