Giving Your Children The Things You Missed Out On As A Child.

[Bathsheba]

Who has done this? What was the thing? On reflection was it wise/beneficial?

I'll start. Both DH and I loved learning as children. DH was particularly bright and I was both artistic and at one stage keen to become a doctor. We loved learning but our classroom experiences were quite negative. We both felt herded through the public education system like we were cattle... with disruptive children getting all the attention. We feel that our potential was never realised. So we made a decision early on in our children's lives to send them to the best schools no matter what the cost. Ok so they might not appreciate it... they might want lots of toys instead (which is what DH and i were given to keep us quiet and out of our parent's hair). But we have taken this risk. Maybe it will prove to be the wrong thing to have done... but none of us have crystal balls do we? We fully support our children in their every interest... my DD loved athletics so we funded and supported her through the entire Little Athletics program... our middle child loves art so we make sure he is never short on supplies... our youngest is very social and chatty and loves going to French Club so we do that every Friday.

We don't go on many expensive family outings eg to the zoo/theme parks/cinema/holidays and who knows... maybe these will be things our kids wish they had more of in their lives and will be what THEY give to their kids.

But it is hard... there are so many things on offer these days... you do have to choose... and strike a balance between giving your children what they need, what they THINK they need and what you need to give them as therapy for missing out as a child yourself! Does that make any sense?

[Shanti]

I missed out on sleeping in my parents bed as a child because Mum and Dad didn't think that was the place for kids and that it was called the 'marital bed' so I have no memories of snuggling up in it with Mum and Dad during sleep time. I often remember being in bed at night hiding under the covers as I felt scared of monsters and all those creepy things that hide under your bed at night

So.... we have given our DD our bed to share with us. So she doesn't have to miss out on that like I did as a child. (so we co-sleep).

Not sure if that's one of the things you were talking about above but I felt it was relevant to the question

[Bathsheba]

Shanti: Yes! Same here! I never felt able to wake my parents at night either so often suffered in silence... also one of the reasons DH and i always keep our bedroom door open and co-sleep too! My 4yo still comes into our bed if he wakes up cold or scared... just the way i think it ought to be But shhh, i'd never tell my parents!

Skybie: Ah yes... with regarding clothing: my mother never let us have any say in what my sister and i wore. She sewed most things herself. All i ever wanted as a child was a plain pair of denim jeans but mum never listened... i had to wear her dresses and skirts (all of which would have looked very cute to me with my adult perspective but at the time i wanted to just fit in with the other kids!). So i have also probably spent too much $ making sure my kids always have something to wear that THEY want to wear. Yes we go to op shops etc but THEY can choose and the money i have saved in op shops has been spent on new jeans that they have loved and worn to death.

[Arimeh]

I've given my kids a father that is physically there for them and actually gives a rats about them.

Somethin I never had.

[Laranna]

I'm giving my kids lots of kisses and cuddles and telling them that I love them every single day. My parents never did that to me or my siblings and still don't to this day.

[Mum2SweetCs]

I'm giving my kids lots of kisses and cuddles and telling them that I love them every single day. My parents never did that to me or my siblings and still don't to this day.

Totally agree! Never heard my Mum or dad say they loved us. Always complaining about us but i know deep down they love us but their generation and culture has never expressed love to their kids.

We will break that cycle

[Mum2SweetCs]

My parents tried to give us everything with what they got (mum had to survive on bread and butter for lunches). I remember we use to go to school with broken shoes, my sister even had to staple her sole together.

We use to have to buy uniform from the second hand shop at the school and i was so embarrassed about it (everyone else wore nice new uniform).

We couldnt afford extra curricular activities such as all that is to offer now. I remember wanting so much to play the piano but we couldnt afford that.

So for DD, she gets everything (probably growing up being a brat). Her bedroom is so nice and beautiful one which i would have loved when i was young (shared room with sister in 1 bed)

DD has nice shoes, nice clothes. We will make sure we have enough to let her do extra curricular activities but I SURE HOPE SHE GROWS UP KNOWING THE MEANING OF MONEY!

[StrawberryFields]

While we're not parents technically for another couple of months, we already have a list of things that we want out kids to experience:

- Siblings - I never really had siblings. My half sisters are 10 and 13 years older than me, and while my parents took me on holidays etc, I always hated it because it was just them dragging me around where they wanted to go and I was lonely. DH is the youngest of 4, and while he doesn't always get along with his siblings, he would never want anyone not to have a sibling. Lucky nature has blessed us with twins, so first box is checked!

- Take them away on holidays as a family - DH never got to go on holidays like I did. He'd never left the country until our honeymoon, but my first holiday was when I was 18months old to NZ. Not big extravagant, Disneyworld every 2 years holidays, but even if its just to see our own backyard - go camping somewhere for the weekend. We want to take them on a big holiday one day, maybe after they finish primary school, to meet their family in Holland, and to go to Disney world and all that cool stuff, the stuff DH never got to do. We've started saving already.

- Let them give things a go - My parents never let me just try things, and overall were not very supportive unless it was something that reflected well on them. My parents used to tell me 'Thats ridiculous, you're not taking part in something so silly' in reference to pretty much anything - most famously when I wanted to learn drums: "Don't be ridiculous, drums are for boys." So if our kids want to try something, we will let them - within reason of course, there will be no sky diving until they are at least 16!

- Always assure them that their best is good enough - My parents never accepted that I tried my best. If my best wasn't up to their standards, I was told 'Well your best isn't good enough, go study.' Or 'Well your best was crap.' I would love for our kids to be straight A students, or musical/athletic prodigies, but if they're not, thats fine. So long as they try their very best then thats all we can ask of them - and they need to know that.

- Don't force them into extra curricular activities they clearly don't enjoy - I was forced to play violin, and piano, and clarinet, when all I wanted to do was play the drums. I HATED violin, piano, and clarinet, but my parents made me go to them anyway, made me sit exams etc. Now, I look back and laugh at how much money they wasted on it, but then it just sucked, and I could have filled a well with the tears I cried over the years for it. So, while our kids wont be allowed to say 'But I hate that' unless they've tried it, we wont force them into doing it if they really don't want to. DH would love them to do scouts, I would love them to play hockey, but if its not their cup of tea and something else is? Thats fine, so long as they're doing something.

- Let them choose their own religion - Both DH and I are baptised Catholic. Both of us strongly disagree with much of the church's policy. Neither of us believe in God. We have agreed to educate our kids on all the major religions and let them make an informed decision for themselves once they are old enough. If they want to become born again Christians, or meditate, or whatever, thats fine because we know its a choice they have made based on what they have learned, not just something they were forced into from birth. We hope it will also teach them to be tolerant of peoples differences - which leads me to...

-Remind them that it is okay to be different if thats who you are - For example, if it turns out that our child is gay, they need to know that its okay, and that its perfectly normal and natural. We'll remind them that not everyone will understand, and that it wont be easy, but that the people that matter are, and will be fine with it, and anyone else isn't worth their time. I have too many friends who have suffered far too much because of their sexuality, lost their families, or their job, or been denied something, and I will not shut my kids out if that is the case. I can't prevent what the world will do to them, but I can and will be there for them if it does drag them through the dirt.

- Have family time - My mum worked SO much, so did my dad. I know they did it for me so I could go to the best school etc, but most of my memories were of my friends and their parents not my own. So family time will be very important. Eat meals together as a family when we can, make one night a week when we sit down and do something together - maybe its just watching a movie, or tv show, but it will be all together. Mummy will never be running late from work to the point that she can't tuck them in, and Daddy will never repeatedly forget to pick them up from school, or be too busy to take them in the first place.

- I Love You - Pretty self explanatory. Make sure they know they are loved, and live in a home built on love. I'm 21 years old and have never seen my parents kiss (not that I would want to see them make out or anything, but an assurance of affection would be nice), I think I've seen them hug maybe...7 times? I've always wondered if they even love each other like parents should, or if they're just friends who got a certain age and actually honoured some kind of 'Hey, once we're 35, lets marry each other' pact. Our kids will know that not only do Mummy and Daddy love them, but that they love each other as well.

It makes me sad how many of us have listed that last one...

I'm lucky that I grew up in a home free of violence, but I want my kids to know that home is a sanctuary from emotional abuse too, because I don't feel that's something I really had. I want them to want to come home at the end of the day, to want to give their parents a hug, and to feel they can talk to us if they want and need to. I never had that.

[Nicambhar]

The words "I love you".
My older children and I say I love you at the end of each phone call and when they go back to their dad's place.
With little Bella, she says it to us now too. As a child and growing up, their was no affection and definately no "I love you" in our house...

[Tinsel]

The words "I love you". As a child and growing up, their was no affection and definately no "I love you" in our house...

We make sure we say it every day. I don't remember one cuddle or kiss or I love you from my mum growing up which is very sad. I am the oldest of 7 children and she loves babies so older children were just an inconvenience to her. Now that we are all older my sisters are way over the top with their 'love you' that it sounds really fake. Kissing mum these days is forced and I still feel judged. I don't want that for my kids. We grew up with the 'seen and not heard' attitude as well.

I will make sure that we constantly have conversation in our house as we never had that. Something so simple but for some reason didn't happen. Mum's opinion was our opinion and she wasn't very nice to others and has a closed mind about the world. Took me years in my adult life to not judge everyone and be negative. I also want our girls to feel safe to come to me or DH with anything they want to discuss. I don't want them to be scared of me. If they have done something wrong, we will talk about what happened and disciplined rather than smacked with every word of 'don't do that again...'

We didn't have much money growing up either so I never did anything at school or after that cost money. We won't indulge our kids every desire on that front but we will certainly involve them in other activities. They will also learn about money and the world around them.

I sound like I had a terrible upbringing. We had some good holidays and we never went without the basics, it was more the physical/emotional/nurturing/encouragement stuff which I think is so important for a little human growing up.

[LuluHB]

Me! My mum divorced my dad when I was 18 months so she raised me and my older brother entirely by herself. I can't remember wanting for anything of a material nature ever - I have no idea how she did that but damn she was good!! What I really noticed though was that my mum was never on canteen duty, was never at sports carnivals, assemblies etc because she was working full time. I've discussed this with her recently and she admitted to bawling the whole way to work on many mornings because she knew how disappointed I was that she couldn't be at whatever that day.

So, my DH and I made the decision that I would be a SAHM. We also agreed that he would work from home for himself which allows him to also be around and constantly in the girls' lives. Life would be a whole lot easier financially if I went back to work and he worked in a "real job", and there would definitely be more things like holidays, new cars etc but we made a decision that togetherness as a family was the most important thing we could give the kids.

[Shanti]

Shanti: Yes! Same here! I never felt able to wake my parents at night either so often suffered in silence... also one of the reasons DH and i always keep our bedroom door open and co-sleep too! My 4yo still comes into our bed if he wakes up cold or scared... just the way i think it ought to be But shhh, i'd never tell my parents!

Same here! My Mum can't believe she's still in our bed, let alone bedroom yet I wouldn't have it any other way!! Can't imagine how scared she would be without me in her own room as I remember being scared of shadows on the wall!!

[AnyDream]

Ah yes... with regarding clothing: my mother never let us have any say in what my sister and i wore. She sewed most things herself. All i ever wanted as a child was a plain pair of denim jeans but mum never listened... i had to wear her dresses and skirts (all of which would have looked very cute to me with my adult perspective but at the time i wanted to just fit in with the other kids!). So i have also probably spent too much $ making sure my kids always have something to wear that THEY want to wear.

Yep I totally relate to this, except in my case my mother didn't even sew (my Nanna did what she could up until we moved interstate) so I actually spent a large portion of my childhood with a scandalous lack of even the most basic clothing...so I've probably overcompensated in terms of clothing quantity - even if my DD is oblivious and repeatedly wears the same 2 things over and over and over again .

Other big thing my mother repeatedly failed to provide was *any* kind of quality time...us kids were expected to entertain ourselves with virtually no resources - so big on my priority is organising family activities, whether it's games nights, outings to parks & events etc on the weekend, or just hanging out together - ok so it's not all the time but certainly pretty regularly.

[*TripleJ*]

i dont know but with my mum beng a single mum and working full time we couldnt do things like sport and dancing until we were much older so i do want to try and get them into something that they like but other than that i think they way i was brought up except with the only one parent thing was good and i'd like to try and do the same for my kids it was very balanced and we werent spoiled with toys etc i dont feel like i missed out on anything as such

[Beautiful Disaster]

i dont know but with my mum beng a single mum and working full time we couldnt do things like sport and dancing until we were much older so i do want to try and get them into something that they like but other than that i think they way i was brought up except with the only one parent thing was good and i'd like to try and do the same for my kids it was very balanced and we werent spoiled with toys etc i dont feel like i missed out on anything as such

Im exactly the same. I didnt get the opportunity to do all those outside school things. DP is one of 5 and he was the same. We are hoping to be able to give our little one whatever they want to do and not hold them back. I always wished that I could have had those things but oh well. I dont even remember going on holidays or outings so that makes me a little sad. I didnt go on my first real holiday till DP and I went to Airlie Beach last June. We are going to make it an annual thing now.

I also never got the affection and I Love You's. I was lucky that my nan was the one looking after me and I am still to this day the closest with her of all 7 grandkids. LOL i get special treatment they dont lol

[MrsFabuloso]

There are several things I would like to teach and give my children which I felt I missed out on.

I'm another who grew up with alot of material things. I think for my parents that was important to give us as they grew up without alot of 'stuff'. I got given alot of big gifts at christmas and birthdays in particular. I think being given lots of stuff when I was little, now makes me a bit a material person though. I never had to 'work' for the things I wanted I didn't save my money, or even get pocket money for chores (I didn't have set chores) for that matter, I was just given what I wanted it has also made me a bit selfish. Now I find it difficult to wait for things, to save or have a vision of what I want before I get it, I just want it now!!

I don't want that for my children. Of course I want them to have things they want, and they are given generous gifts and things, but I am also trying to teach them that they need to wait for things sometimes, they don't just 'get' because they 'want'. I'm starting to try to teach my DD that if she does something like tidy some of her toys, I will give her 10 or 20 cents and she puts it into her money box. I encourage her to think of what she would like to buy with it, small things, and we get it when we go out. We count her money and I'm trying to teach her the value of it. She has a little understanding of it all, and DS is usually with us when we do it all too. I will start with him soon! She has so far brought a ride on a little merry go round at the shops, and very generously, she chose the one her brother could go on with her too. We have put her birthday money into the bank to try to teach her to save it too. She has also given me 70cents when I didn't have the change to make up the exact money and didn't want to break a $50 note for a $4 purchase, lol! I quietly put a dollar back later, but I want her to be generous with her money too.

I want to give them really nice holidays. While we had short holidays to our caravan regularly, and I did love it, I also want to go overseas with my children when they get a bit bigger. As well as show them the rest of Australia too. It was lovely having a place to go to on weekends, but we never went on big family holidays, all together. It was often just mum and I. Sometimes dad would come, but my brothers never came (they are 9 and 10 yrs older than me) I don't have memories of doing much with my brothers. Which is part of the reason I wanted my own children close together, to try to help them have a close relationship with each other. In hindsight, I think the reason it was just mum and I was because my parents marriage was failing, for many years it just wasn't a good relationship, so dad and mum did separate things. Which is another thing I want to give my children, a good role model of what a loving marriage is. While I was regularly told and show physicall I was loved by my parents, they weren't terribly loving with each other. In fact there was alot of emotional abuse within their relationship.

I want to give my kids my time too. I was given all of my mums attention when I was little until I was about 5ish, then she started working and never stopped. She rarely came to my school things like athletic carnivals or school excursions. Though my brothers often say they remember mum being there for them. Doing canteen duty and always coming to their carnivals and stuff. They also did athletics and soccer as extra curricular things which her and dad took thm to. I didn't do anything at all, until I was baout 13 when I chose myself and started swimming with a girlfriend. But mum rarely took me or hardly ever came to swim meets. When she wanted to go to the caravan, we went there instead of doing my swimming things. My girlfriends mum usually took me or I walked there on my own from school. I ended up quitting because I hated depending on my firends mum and letting my team down. I hated her for it and still hold resentment towards mum for that. I never felt prioritised at all and still don't. My kids will get my time, and they are one of the most important thing to me no matter what.

[MummaSue]

My mum never let us display negative emotions EVER. If we were angry, we were made to feel bad about that, like it wasn't allowed - we were being bad or naughty. Like her love was conditional if we only displayed positive emotion. I now have a totally inappropriate response to anger, I cry like a baby when in confrontational situations - which at work is totally inappropriate.
Anyway, I'll be nurturing ALL of the emotions of my little girl. We'll talk about ALL of what she is feeling as opposed to just the good stuff.
I'm keeping up the co-sleeping as long as she wants to - much to the disgust of my mother.

I won't play mind games with her, if there is something on my mind, I'll talk to her about it. And by doing that, hope that she does the same.

Anything she wants to do creatively will be nurtured - my husband is very arty and musical and he is hoping that she will be the same but we certainly will not be forcing her into anything she doesn't want to do.

And yeah, we are going to try for the best education possible.

What a fabulous thread!!!
Sue xx

[Jaycee]

Luckily for me, it's not about giving DS the things I missed out on, it's about giving DS the same kind of childhood I had, as I really did have a fantastic childhood and don't feel I missed out on anything material, or emotional.

My fondest memories are of annual holidays, trips into the city with my mum, sitting on my dad's lap watching the footy together, both mum and dad supporting me through my ten pin bowling days, with mum and dad's support both emotionally and financially (bowling is a very expensive sport!) I made it to the state team even. I even crept into mum and dad's bed every night until I was 7, they didn't mind at all

It makes me sad that there's so many of you that didn't have the childhood you should of had