(I'm a bit all over the place so please forgive me)

I personally believe that manners are important. And whilst in my household it's ok to say "I don't really want to do xyz." It is not ok to yell at me, scream, hit etc to get that point across. And that behaviour is something we don't tolerate (They don't tolerate it from me either). Yes it's part of learning. But if you don't teach a child how to have nice manners and be respectful, don't suddenly expect them to just change at 5 or 15 because they are old enough to know better.

I know sometimes I come off as weird because there are things that I believe children should be able to do, and things parents shouldn't do. But in society it is not acceptable for someone to run up and say NO rudely in someone's face. And I think not teaching them that is a disservice to the child. It might be annoying and a PITB fir you now to be constantly on it. But that's what we're here for. And you can achieve this without crushing their soul, smacking them or screaming.

Saying they don't want to do something is often more to do with how you tell them (or how they perceive you tell them) and less about a power struggle just because. Sometimes introducing choice helps here. Instead of saying "Lets hop in the car we have to go to xyz." You might say "When we go to xyz would you like to look at a) or b)"

I have a very thorough dialogue with my kids from the second they wake up to the second they go to bed. To the point they probably get very sick of hearing my voice. I think this helps prevent the arguments too.

As MadB says there are levels of negotiation. Some things are negotiable. But make them a conversation. Not as though you are giving in because you are too fearful of a tantrum. It's another way of teaching them compromise, listening and questioning skills.

So is it ok to negotiate? Yes. On some things. Is it ok to behave badly when asked to do something? No. And on the flipside is it ok to whisk into a room and make demands of a child as though they should have been in your head and known what was going to happen next? No.

Consequences are dependant on your household. We were a time in family. Only way to describe it is they would have to go to a quiet space to think. And I would be with them or near them. I would continually ask them if they were ready to talk. And then we'd have an in depth (age appropriate) discussion about what happened... Why? And what we both can do to sort it in the future. For us this worked. And any other type of consequence was pre determined together such as Warning first, discuss, confiscation of xyz was agreed on, happens again then xyz is confiscated.

My DD is nearly 12. She can't remember the last time she had a consequence for bad behaviour. DS is 7 and he's the same. I know I harp on about this but if you be consistent, fair and firm (where it counts) you can get through this. And if you're struggling with their emotional reactions think about your own behaviour and how you react sometimes and you'll see you aren't that different. We as parents often expect more from our children than ourselves. And our reactions to their reactions is often what can turn an incident into a behaviour pattern.