Firstly - I apologise if this subject is distressing for some.
As a new mum with her first live baby I am wondering if my anxiety is normal for my history or if it is more exaggerated than normal and something I need to monitor or talk to someone about.
At the moment I have a fear that this heaven I am experiencing will suddenly explode and something will happen to my baby. This extends beyond just the fear of SIDS and includes accidents and other injuries to my baby, either caused by me or someone else (but I have no thoughts of wanting to harm him, just that I will be the cause of the accident ie driving the car etc)
After Caitlyn, I experienced an increase in anxiety over those near to me getting hurt / dying. As this pregnancy progressed I felt a similar anxiety that increased as the due date got closer. When Mum and Dad were driving to or from our home I felt quite anxious about their safety. When DH left for work I felt anxious about him travelling etc.
Now that this little one has arrived safely I worry about him dying. I am somewhat hyper-vigilant (I am sleeping ok but waking when he is due to feed and fearful if he sleeps through beyond this time) but I really find it worse when I am on my own. I just spent a week with family but still found it stressful because I worried about something happening to him while he was away from DH. I also worry about their safety and that something will happen to them.
I am managing the fear of him dying by having him in our room to sleep and almost 50% of the time co-sleeping with him tucked in next to me, for at least some part of the night even if he starts in his bassinette. I guess this disrupts my sleep (although I am still getting 2-3 hours at a time) but I catch a deep sleep session when I give him to someone else to watch, because they are awake and able to monitor him (my thinking process). I even find him sleeping in the car seat worrying because I can't see he is breathing (I do have a mirror to watch him). I have to check him when he is asleep in the hug a bub to make sure he is breathing on occasion too
I know I had anxiety after Caitlyn that seemed to mostly resolve but I am not sure if this current feeling is healthy. I guess I am after feedback as to whether I am losing the plot, experiencing a normal process after a stillbirth or whether this is getting a little more serious and needing professional intervention to deal with this anxiety before it get worse.
ETA Mods - please feel free to move this if it is in the incorrect section. Thank you
firstly do you have a sound and movement monitor, this has got me thru many many moments of panic when he is sleeping as for the car yeah I know that feeling well, I have stopped pulled over got out checked jack when travelling alone
secondly I dont think it would hurt for you to see a counsellor you would probably benifit from being able to talk to someone not prsonally involved, did you see a souncellor after losing caitlin
anyway :hugs: if you ever need to chat feel free to buzz me
Hi Michelle
I don't know if it is normal... but, I am doing the exact same thing, and I don't care.
I know I am very very protective of Harrison because of everything I experienced with Noah... Harrison is definitely my special child, because he made it here after his brother didn't... and because with Noah, he was given to us after we wanted him for so long, then he was taken away... I sometimes feel like I am playing the waiting game for something like this to happen to Harrison... I know in myself that it is totally irrational... but, I can't help it. I am very fussy with whom I allow to hold Harrison... only then, it is after I have checked out where they are going to be holding him (eg - on a verandah is out of the question)
I wake soooooo many times during the night, to check on Harrison, and, I look over him, make sure he is breathing... then I go back to bed, only to do it again in about 2 hrs time.
You're not alone honey... but, it does get easier with time
Rach - I don't have one yet but one of my work friends offered me hers so I think I may take her up on the offer.
Lisa - thank you You have made me feel more normal after feeling like a total nutcase. I know what I do at times is irrational but it gets me through the day. And I feel the same - it took me soooo long to get Caitlyn only to lose her and then another 10 months before getting pregnant with this one. I just don't want to have it happen again.
Michelle, I dont think you are being irrational... i do similar things to you, to some degree. Claire is 4 months and sleeps in her own cot in another room (much to my disappointment as hubby really doesnt like her being in our bed, but thats another story) so when I wake up overnight, I will always go into her room and make sure she is breathing. Sometimes I will even poke her to make her move, but not wake up. Or sometimes I will gently place my hand on her chest to feel it going up and down as she breathes. If she is very quiet in the car, I stop and check on her too. I havent lost a baby so I dont know what that is like, but just wanted to send you some hugs and tell you that youre not alone. I still do these things alot, but not as much as I did in the first few weeks after she was born.
Michelle i've only had early losses, and yet i frequently imagine terrible accidents involving my DD. Yesterday, walking along the (safety-railed and VERY safe) riverfront to her dad's house, i was planning what i would do if a gang of ruffians threw her, buggy and all, into the river - there was not a person in sight, rough or otherwise, and yet my heart was pounding, my knuckles were white on the buggy handles, i felt faintly sick. I KNEW it wasn't real, but where my daughter is concerned my mind is fantastically quick at pre-empting random harm and psyching me for it.
When she was small i didn't panic about it, but i too would pause with her in the hug a bub and take a breath to feel her pressed against me and ensure she was breathing, i still check on her at night if i feel i should.
Ina May Gaskin (Midwife and natural childbirth/parenting advocate and generally wonderful for women woman) says that the "check on baby" response is natural and part of your mothers intuition and to listen to it. Your instincts allow you to mother well, let them do that.
As for if it's "crazy" or excessive - only you can answer that - do you like to co-sleep (i did) and feel your child safe in your arms, or would you rather you were able to get through the night with you in your own sleeping places. I would say that only at the point when the anxiety is affecting your life negatively and making you do things you're unhappy about it might be a problem. If it's just a case of wanting the baby to be safe and well then no, i don't think you are abnormal, i think you're an intuitive and loving mother.
I have always been the same.. I worry about things like that all the time.. maybe not to the same extent you are but I worry all the same.. I too have an angelcare monitor and I couldn't live without it. I don't use it now as my youngest is in a bed but before it went everywhere with us..
rach' suggestion of a councillor )sp) is a good idea.. just to talk to someone
I believe what you are feeling falls within the realms of "normal" given your situation. You and I both know that those hypervigilant parenting expressions are induced by your experience with Caitlyn. This is why you were so concerned about your family/loved ones saftey. It IS normal. However, if it is interfering in your life I think it would be good to talk to someone... Some techniques to help put it into perspective from an outside source. This is NOT because you are loopy this is because we all need a check sometimes.
Sometimes our fears are based on reality - this fear is born from the reality of the death of Caitlyn AND it's combined with the very usual fear many many first time Mamas experience. When I had my first daughter 12 years ago I was hypervigiliant as well. (I think that this comes with our oc nursing habits somewhat speaking only for myself of course! ) I could hardly believe that I had birthed this perfect little human. I too was sure she would be taken away. This faded with the months but I do remember it being quite exhausting (for me and DH!)
Again, what you recount is normal under the circumstances but exhausting - I would talk to someone, get some techniques and receive loads of hugs and reassurances from those that support you. Being a Mama is a really really really hard gig sometimes. It brings up so much stuff for us. When you are the Mama for a second time after goodbye it's even tougher. The rates for PND after recurrent miscarriage/stillbirth are almost double the regular population. This is due to all of the emotions you describe. I am not suggesting that you are depressed. Whilst hypervigilance is one of the flashing red lights in PND I believe in your case it's simply based on your mothering experience. :hugs: I am just trying to reassure you that you would be an absolute super human not to be going through similar to what you are.
Oscar is an incredibly fortunate, blessed (not to mention handsome!) little fella. I think your honesty in expressing how you are feeling is wonderful... We all need to hear how it can feel to mother after loss.
I know you meditate - so do some meditation on it. Visualise that little face being healthy and strong and safe.
I just want to thank all of you for your responses. It is reassuring to know what I am experiencing is felt by others as well.
Deb - I took your advice and spent some time with the candles What I am feeling is not yet overwhelming or interfering with the every day stuff, but it does get worse when I am tired (and what new mummy isn't tired ) A few more weeks and DH will be able to give me that extra support I need. Just need to get that exam out of the way .....
Michelle sweetie, I've only just seen this post, haven't been around much the last week or so.
I remember feeling this way about DD after my m/c. She was still only 12 months old and I had an overwhelming fear that something awful would happen to her and both of my babies would be taken away from me. I also used to worry about my DH, parents etc etc, but it was mainly focused on DD.
Seeing that a lot of the other girls have felt the same, I'd agree that it's a fairly normal reaction, especially given your circumstances.
I can tell you that over time, the fear subsided somewhat. Now it is focused on the little bubble still in my belly, but I don't think there's really anything I can do about that. Just take it one day at a time, which I know you will understand. I have spoken with my ob about it and he told me he thought it was a fairly rational fear for someone who has suffered a loss.
Big - I'm glad you are feeling a little reassured about it now.
I think you probably have a good idea of what would be normal behaviour for you and what wouldn't. I would imagine a slightly higher level of anxiety would be expected after what you've been through.
When Lucy was tiny, I would wake up in the night and go into a panic if I couldn't feel her in bed beside me (mostly she slept in her cradle, so I'm not sure where this came from). It would take a few seconds for me to tell myself she was okay even if she wasn't right beside me. And I didn't come into motherhood with any previous losses or sorrow.
I think our mothering instincts are at full ball when our little ones are new. For your mind to be going into overdrive I think would be expected. If you feel you aren't coping or these things are starting to intrude on being able to do normal activities I would talk to someone who may be able to help you, as others have suggested.
Hi Michelle,
I do know that what you are feeling to some degree is pretty normal even for those who have not lost a baby. When I came home from the hospital with my son a few years ago, I was completely paranoid about everything and anything happening to him. I would invent really stupid scenarios in my head about what might happen, for example, I was scared to cross the road incase a car came out of no where, and a really stupid one, I was terrified that a magpie would peck him as we had magpies out the front of our house. Just a few of the weird things I thought about and I eventually settled down and was not so bad. But now being pregnant again, I am really starting to worry about SIDS etc too. I guess you should do what you have to do to get through and if that means checking up on him every 5 mins, then do it. I hope you are not too stressed about it
I have thoughts similiar to yours and I do some checking on my boy when he is asleep. My solution he sleeps in the lounge room in the portercot during the day and in a cradle by our bed at night and we do the co sleeping too. Mostly because it is so cold at the moment and I stress that he will be too cold or too hot. I dont think it's abnormal considering what you have lived through. hugs to you. Nathaniel is having a feeding frenzy yesterday and today no wonder I'm starving (have just eaten a packet of weight watchers jam tart biscuits) I was good I shared them with DD. Im still hungry, where's the fridge !!!
I think how you are feeling is perfectly understandable given you lost a precious baby. Mine is not a good story to add to your fears, but should be told. I gave birth to a baby boy early March. He seemed perfectly healthy, but the Ob wanted to get him checked over just in case, she suspected his breathing to be a tiny bit laboured. He was born at 9pm at night. The following day, after a normal first morning with my beautiful boy, he fell asleep in my arms at 2pm. I was exhausted from a long birth, and lay down to sleep too. I awoke at 4pm, my baby was still asleep in his hospital crib. I got up, looked at him, and thought he seemed to be sleeping too heavily. I tried to wake him, he wasn't stirring. I grabbed him and took handed him to the first nurse I saw in the Nursery. I could tell by the look on her face that this was serious.
The rest of this story does not get any easier to tell, and I must keep it short. A parents worst nightmare unfolded for my DH and I. Our baby had died, and they were unable to resucitate him. Nobody knew why, how - we were given no answers. I went into a state of shock and grief that is undescribable. Everybody just told us SIDS, that it was not explainable. After waiting some months for an autopsy report - we finally learnt that our baby died of pneumonia. That he had aspirated some "gunk" either during or shortly after birth - and that resulted in acute-pneumonia. It was some relief to know it wasn't SIDS. To say I'm upset he wasn't checked earlier would be an understatement. I don't know what more to say about it, it's too painful to go back to this time, it's like a nightmare video that plays again and again in my head. I still can't believe my gorgeous boy slipped away.
I'm so sorry to tell you this, I know it's not going to help you anxiety. But, how my son died would be so extremely rare, and he was ultimately a vulnerable very new born babe.
All I wanted to be was pregnant again - and within 3 months I was. I'm now nearly 10 weeks - and to say that I'm feeling anxious about this pregnancy and baby would be an understatement aswell.
I guess there is one main reason I wanted to reply to your post, and I shall be taking this advice myself. Our loved ones are only every on loan to us. We hope and pray that we will have them in our lives for a very long time - but this is not always the outcome. We must love them while we have them here with us, as we never know what is to come.
I plan on borrowing a monitor from SIDS (they have very good ones) for my next baby - for my own peace of mind. You should look into monitoring your baby as well, it will give you some reassurance to be sure. I'm so scared my next baby will die too - but I feel I had 2 choices after I lost my son - to either get back on my bike and try again - or give up. You can see which way I went.
Michelle, I'm very sorry if this upsets you. But our anxieties are real and we must find ways to reduce them - meantime love and enjoy your bub every single minute, worrying will not change anything but the quality of the present moment. You are very lucky to have such a lovely bub, and I wish you some stress free times ahead.
Lee - you have not upset me and thank you for sharing your story. I am so sorry for the loss of your little boy and I wish you well for this pregnancy.
Currently I am doing OK. The anxiety has lessened due to (in part) the stories shared here and the realisation I am not alone in these fears and they are, in fact, quite normal. So ladies thank you for sharing and thank you for making a worried new mummy feel sane again
Lee, I am so sad to read your story, you are very brave to be back on your bike again, I wish you the best for a happy and healthy pregnancy and baby.
Michelle, I'm sorry to read in your sig about Caitlyn and I'm so happy to read that you've birthed a beautiful boy.
My older children are 8 and 6 years old. For me, the fear of losing them has never gone away, although I suffer from PTSD and an unsafe childhood which heigtens this fear. I shelter them too much, something I'm working on fixing. They don't go to friend's houses, don't go anywhere without me except school (I even homeschooled early on because I couldn't face letting DS1 go to school). They rarely get babysat by family, but never anyone else and only very select family members, and only when I am totally desperate, like going into hospital with this baby. At their age, this is starting to cause them some problems which is why I need to start allowing them to be normal children.
I think that fearing lose one's child is a completely rational way to be. I noticed this mainly with DP with this baby (baby Leo born 8 weeks ago). It was his first baby, and when we brought Leo home, he went completely paranoid, waking with every noise, not letting anyone including me walk around with him in case of dropping him. Leo was much bigger than my babies, so I was more relaxed with him, but to DP he was so tiny and breakable. IT's a natural response when all of a sudden there is something that you love more than you could every imagine loving something, that you feel an overwhelming fear of losing this precious thing. And of course, experiencing the loss of Caitlyn would make this more exaggerated.
I expect you will feel better as little Oscar grows, but never completely because that's just part of being a mum that we are always worrying about our little ones.
You are going so well from what I've read, good on you.
Thank you Tara. I am trying and it is always reassuring to know you aren't losing the plot when those early days send you into a complete tailspin. Each day is getting better and when I look at Oscar sleeping next to me right now I feel incredibly blessed and I know his angel sister Caitlyn is looking after him.
I guess you know by now that what you are experiencing is very normal when you have lost a baby. From all that I have read and experienced it is a part of the grief process.
I STILL check the twins more than I should but I can't help it. I have to do it to stay sane (as insane as it feels).
My brother died (he was a twin) from SIDS when he was 15 weeks old and I have carried that fear of SIDS from when I was very young. I did it(checked all the time, had an innate fear of SIDS/death of baby) with Imogen and Madeline (almost drove David bonkers) was more relaxed with Lily but after losing William, I was up to my old tricks with Ivy and Noah.(Luckily David was used to it or remembered last time and was expecting it).
I found with both sets of twins it lessened around the time they turned one but with Ivy and Noah, everytime they are unwell, I go back to checking them all the time.
Take heart. You are doing normal things for a mum who has lost her baby. Of course you fear the worst, that is only natural too. It is your heart trying to protect you from more hurt. Thinking of you.
SIDS anxiety
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speaking only for myself of course! 
) I could hardly believe that I had birthed this perfect little human. I too was sure she would be taken away. This faded with the months but I do remember it being quite exhausting (for me and DH!)
) A few more weeks and DH will be able to give me that extra support I need. Just need to get that exam out of the way .....
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