Michelle - big hugs to you special Mama... :hugs:

I believe what you are feeling falls within the realms of "normal" given your situation. You and I both know that those hypervigilant parenting expressions are induced by your experience with Caitlyn. This is why you were so concerned about your family/loved ones saftey. It IS normal. However, if it is interfering in your life I think it would be good to talk to someone... Some techniques to help put it into perspective from an outside source. This is NOT because you are loopy this is because we all need a check sometimes.

Sometimes our fears are based on reality - this fear is born from the reality of the death of Caitlyn AND it's combined with the very usual fear many many first time Mamas experience. When I had my first daughter 12 years ago I was hypervigiliant as well. (I think that this comes with our oc nursing habits somewhat speaking only for myself of course! ) I could hardly believe that I had birthed this perfect little human. I too was sure she would be taken away. This faded with the months but I do remember it being quite exhausting (for me and DH!)

Again, what you recount is normal under the circumstances but exhausting - I would talk to someone, get some techniques and receive loads of hugs and reassurances from those that support you. Being a Mama is a really really really hard gig sometimes. It brings up so much stuff for us. When you are the Mama for a second time after goodbye it's even tougher. The rates for PND after recurrent miscarriage/stillbirth are almost double the regular population. This is due to all of the emotions you describe. I am not suggesting that you are depressed. Whilst hypervigilance is one of the flashing red lights in PND I believe in your case it's simply based on your mothering experience. :hugs: I am just trying to reassure you that you would be an absolute super human not to be going through similar to what you are.

Oscar is an incredibly fortunate, blessed (not to mention handsome!) little fella. I think your honesty in expressing how you are feeling is wonderful... We all need to hear how it can feel to mother after loss.

I know you meditate - so do some meditation on it. Visualise that little face being healthy and strong and safe.

Sending you love Michelle