Dory - I got some sleep finally I got my mum and sister to bring my bed inside the house I just didnt feel safe all alone in the garage.. I teared up a little when I was drifting off cause I usually cuddle DF. But all is ok I cant wait to see him . Well I hope that it settles down for you soon and you don't have it the whole pregnancy lol. Yes 3 weeks not much to do actually DF did most of it before he left which is good.
Lys - Great about no protein in your wee and that your bp is behaving. Hoping bub turns soon for you so you can have your natural birth. Wow not long to go now your on the home stretch now.
...if you haven't seen my BA ... Amelia Jayde Z, my little lady arrived on 30/11/11 at 10.43pm weighing in at a teeny 850 grams and had a HC of 24cm. Length of 33cms. Born by emergency c sec... We are both going fine at the moment though physically. I'm expressing 4hrly and in pain but ok. Glad to be alive. PE nearly killed me and Amelia...
LysnDan - hey congrats.... you got your darlin girl here! PE is the pits. What did your BP get to? Did you have headaches? Upper epigastric pain? Shoulder tip pain? Nausea/ vomiting/ diarrhoea? Were your platlette levels ok?
How is wee Amelia doing? 29 weeks is ok, she's going to do ok. Super cool name too! Be strong. You can do this.
Do you know Blessed at Last? Her 24 weeker Jett is about 63 days old now.....she might be able to give you some tips on how to cope with Amelia in NICU.... have you got peeps around who can bring you meals and make sure the errands get done?
My bp got around 160/125 I think so very dangerous. Apparently I could have died... Given one more day and I probably wouldn't be here. Quite scary really. I have to sit with my mum and write my birth story out because all I have is my discharge summary. Everything else is really hazy at the moment.
Funny thing is, I didn't have any visual disturbances, just had what I thought was heartburn. And feeling off..
She's doing really well. I'm thinking of starting a journal blog type thing but I need to get my head around my birthing experience first.
Sweetie, getting your head round your birth experience will probably take some time, it took me a lot longer than I expected.... do as much as you can to be with Amelia, the rest will come....but when you are ready to share, I'd love to read. I also found it really confusing having a live bubs to take care for, which reminded me too of what I didn't get to share with Amelia, Nicholas or Sophie. It's a hard road ahead on so many level. Just try not to give yourself a hard time for what you feel, from what my counsellor says they ( elation, guilt,sadness, anger, tiredness, exhaustion, nausea, confusion) are all pretty normal. Hugs.
Oh and check out my ticker! I finally got the courage to change it..... I had wanted to add it as soon as I got my BFP, but in order to put it up I had to change my exisiting ticker. That was a pretty hard thing to do, to actually let go of my babies names on my ticker. Not sure yet how I feel about it.
Here's something else I have been meaning to ask. A friend of mine keeps a blog. She had extremely prem babies. She now has an earthside bubba. She wrote recently on her angels blog that her angels was her past and her earthside bubba was her future. That just doesn't work for me. I understand why she wrote it, as she invested a lot of herself in memoralising her angels, very publically and an earthside bubba demands attention. I have not really ever done that, my memoralising tends to be more private, but I also try to lead a life to honour my babies in my thoughts words and deeds. For me my angels are every bit as much of my future as HB and little rasberry bear as they have helped mould the person I am now. I have been thinking about that comment for ages, and that comment just doesn't work for me. How do you approach it? Just curious.
The germ fairy has visited us again, HB, me and DH got gastro in succession. Blergh, but I didn't actually feel too much worse than I do with m/s. There's a turn up for the books. On the mend now. Phew.
I hope you don't mind me joining you, I haven't posted on the forums since becoming pregnant but I'm struggling a bit at the moment so thought I'd pop my head back in, it's so nice to see familiar faces back in here (Dory).
What I'm struggling with at the moment is that, I always have a fear/worry in the back of my head that I'm going to loss my current pregnancy (I guess that's normal after what I've been through) but the last few days it hasn't just been a fear/worry, it has been more of a certainty. I have this overwhelming feeling that this one just isn't going to make it and it's kind of making me give up on this one. I hate feeling like this, I just don't know.
The other thing and probably not quiet as concerning is that I can't seem to make the phone call to make an appointment to book into the hospital let a lot book in. There is only one hospital here so I have no choice but to go back to the place of so much loss for us and I'm sick of having to answer all the questions. It's horrible looking at my book in paper work and seeing a whole page dedicated to our angel babies, I'm sure pregnancy hormones are playing there part but all I feel like doing is crying.
That and the fact that my toddler is becoming very trying and I'm starting to wonder again whether I'm even meant to be a mum, like our losses were meant to be a warning against it, I don't know, maybe I'm just going crazy.
Hey guys, sorry I haven't been online much lately, I mostly use my phone to surf the net these days as it's easier than waiting the 20-30 minutes for my old laptop to start up.
LysnDan - glad you and Amelia are doing well, that's a beautiful name too I missed everything and only found out last night that you had had her already xxx congratulations that she is here safe and you are safe and well too, is it ok to say congratulations for her early arrival? I'm no sure if it's appropriate IYKWIM, I know some people don't like hearing it when their bubs are born so early and I don't want to be rude or inconsiderate xx
Dory - look at you now! 11 weeks hehehe, knew we'd be belly buddies this time lol
TylersMummy - how are you going hun? not long to go now, almost at 34wks!
KAM - hi hun, and welcome I wish it was under different circumstances that we were meeting on here.
I hate seeing my notes bout pregnancies too, every time I see a new midwife or talk to a doctor or nurse in emergency I have to go through it all all over again, and I hate seeing the pity on some of their faces, some of them don't even show anything and just say it's "just bad luck" which is even worse.
It's normal to feel the way you are feeling after loss as well, I go through days where all I want to do is curl up and die and be with my angel babies, especially when my 2 earth babies are playing up.
afm - 10wks 1d today, not really feeling all that pregnant now that I'm on Zofran for the all day sickness/HG, other than the cramping, sore boobs and backache, it takes away almost all my symptoms with the MS.
I haven't had any bleeding this time, which is good and slightly worrying as well as the only other pregnancy where I didn't have bleeding was my first pregnancy with Tomas and he had major problems... so it's kind of bittersweet.
I do have days where I even forget that I'm pregnant which is a new and very novel experience.
DH is getting his vasectomy on tuesday, which scares me as I'm not even 12 weeks yet and I keep on thinking "What if something goes wrong after he has it done?" That would be the worst way to end my child bearing days, to lose my last child after DH does that. It scares me a lot, but I'm trying to remain calm and relaxed.
Other than that I have my 12wk scan and first OB appointment on the 21st, only 10 days away, so that is something to look forward to. I can't wait to see bub again.
KAM - sweetie - congratulations on your pregnancy. It is joyous news. Good to see you, but sad to hear you're doing it tough. But, doing it tough is to be expected.
Ahh, let me say I know all too well the feelings you're having. All of them. There was many a time during HB's pregnancy that I was absolutely certain that the pregnancy was lost/doomed and I started to give up. Those times were very dark and lonely times. So hugs sweetie.
All I can say is that every pregnancy is a new beginning, and you must feel that somewhere too, otherwise you wouldn't have TTC. So even though the hope gets lost amongst the fear, it is there. I know it's there. You know I can't tell you everything will be alright, cause none of us know that, and our heartbreaking experiences tell us, the statistics do not favour us, or our pregnancies. But right at this moment, you are pregnant, and that is truly a miracle blessing. That's what I found helped me through, just trusting in each moment, as that's all I had.
But all is not lost.... you have done it before! Your little turbo toddler is here and you did that. You got her here safely. So even though I know you have very little faith in yourself and your body, you have done it before, and so you can do it again.
Those are the things that help.
About the fear of managing two? OMG, I have it too. I think about it a lot too. I wonder if that is what keeps me awake in the middle of the night unable to sleep. I doubt myself at every turn. I am scared about the sleep deprivation and scared that I will have more of those parenting moments that I am just deeply ashamed of, when I don't live up to my own expectation. But the thing that gets me through? Well sort of? Loads of other people have done it and they seemed to have survived. So if they can do it so can I. After all, after all we have been through, we can get through the next stage.
I must admit, I often think that this pregnancy with raspberry bear will end in still birth. And i have vague plans for the funeral service. Not sure why, maybe just preparing for the worst?. But then I thought that about HB too. The guilt that comes with those thoughts is soul destroying. But I think it's ok to feel them, sometimes. If you felt them all of the time, then it would be time to go talk to someone.
So my dear I am afraid, I think you are pretty normal. Sadly, very very normal for all you've been through. Give that turbo toddler of yours a hug from us.
About the hossy? Hmm, why not call and ask to speak to the social worker and see if they can help you with your admission stuff? They could read through your file, and probably be there for your booking stuff. It might help make it easier for you. You might have to sign an authority for them to access your file though. But at least you should then be dealing with someone who is there for you, both as a support person and an advocate? If you can't bring yourself to do that, I will ring for you. I know how hard it is. Luckily for me the hossy I go to is private, and I still go up there for baby clinics so they don't have a chance to forget me. I pretty much speak to all the middies I know and the matron and 2IC every time I go. No way are they going to forget about me. Ha, that's my cunning plan. Also, I am at peace with the hossy now and have been for a while. I like to go back and stand outside the birthing suites and rooms where I first met my babies.
Jenna - so glad that the all day m/s is gone, with the help of a little medication! I still have mine, but it's not every day now. I get by with a little help from my friend maxalon. But some days it doesn't really make it go away, just takes the edge off. DH really got his skates on about the vasectomy huh? I understand why you'd feel so worried about it. A vas can be reversed, it's just painful, and not always successful. Not like childbirth is painful at all... LOL. 11 weeks is amazing huh? For me it doesn't mean that much. My losses have more often than not been late second semester... so whilst it's a mini milestone for me, it's not as big a relief as it seems to be for others? And then there is the bizzare belief I will have a still birth. I think it's because it's one of the experiences I have yet to have.... and really why not me. But thankfully one little HB doesn't give me too much time to dwell on it and then I am too exhausted at the end of the day to do anything but fall into bed. I probably told you already but this pregnancy basically coincides exactly with the dates for Amelia's. So in February next year I reckon I will be a basket case with anxiety.
Laney - how are you doing? How are those gorgeous boys of yours?
Tyler's mum - have you moved? Is that why you are so quiet? Hope all is ok and thinking about you lots.
Anyway, better go have a shower and freshen up. It's muggy here today. I hate muggy weather. It makes me feel blergh, even when I am not pregnant. At this gestation with HB's pregnancy I had been on bed rest for 4 weeks. OMG, how did I do that?
Kam - Hello nice of you to join us, I think its normal to be worried. It's unfair that our pregnancies can't be as easy as some other peoples who just pop out a baby at 9 months and didn't know.. The hospital thing im sure you'll do it when your ready it is a hard thing to do so take your time. I wish you all the best and sending you loads and loads of sticky vibes.
Jenna - Im doing ok its getting close now so im getting impatient . Glad that you haven't had any bleeding hang in there hun I know its hard but think positive. Haha I have those days too but then quickly realise I cant bend down to even put my damn socks on . Sending you sticky vibes hope this little one is a sticky one. Have you talked to your DH about something happening? (touch wood that it doesn't)
Dory - I have been busy getting stuff together, havent moved as of yet but by the sounds of it DF will be coming to get me a few days before xmas . Thank you hun I have been also thinking of you too how are you doing? Hope that m/s is slowly going away for you. Have you told any family that you are expecting? Or are you waiting? Like you 12 weeks was a mini milestone for me but after 20 weeks was the biggest milestones. For some reason your not alone on thinking that about stillbirth.. I too have been having the same feelings .. But then little miss kicks me theres still that possible outcomes at the end of it.. And I too have been thinking about her funeral etc. I dont think DF and I could handle another loss.. I think our relationship would suffer for it so im hoping that it doesn't happen because I would most likely leave DF so that he could have kids with another woman.. I have such little faith in my body ahh!
AFM - Im plodding along nicely here 34 weeks tomorrow have been getting things organised DF is having a look at a house tomorrow and hopefully will be in it next Wednesday and will be coming to get me on Friday . I had the step kids on the weekend as it was my birthday (finally out of my teens haha) but I had a good day was very tired by about 4pm though lol got some nice things just waiting for a pressie from DF now (i told him I'd wait). The kids were good they leave this Wednesday to go to Perth for 6 weeks, so I bought them a little gift to open since we wont see them till easter.
Hi Ladies, i had my 32 week scan today and everything looked great! It is just amazing everytime they tell me good news. I don't remember if i posted but i had a horrible stomach bug a few weeks ago and i am still struggling to recover. Then DH was OOT last week. I think things are calming down for now, phew. Talked to my doctor about c-section dates today, crazy how fast it has gone this time.
I have a question. After everything that we have all been through building a family. how do you decide when your family is complete? I have been struggling with this for a while now. I have 6 weeks to decide if i want to have a tubal after my c-section. I am scared to do something so permanent but also scared to go through another difficult pregnancy.
dory, i wanted to reply to your post about your friends angels being in her past and her earth angel being her future. I just wanted to say that i agree with you. It would have bothered me a bit too. I am the kind of person that doesn't want Parker and Shelby to be my past. They are with me everyday and will continue to be. But, i think everyone has to deal with loss in their own way. I don't think there is a right or wrong way to do it. I think it would be easier to put the pain and memories into the past but that is not how i choose to honor them.
Kam, I am a few weeks away from having my 3rd earth angel and i am still full of fear. I don't think any of us can escape it unfortunately. As for the worry of adding another baby... Just remember that you have learned a lot with Kate. It is soo much easier to have a newborn the second time around. You don't worry about the small stuff. The other good thing is that newborns sleep A LOT, which makes the first few weeks pretty easy. It is an adjustment and a lot of work but you learn to roll with it. The first time you see your children playing together it is all worth it. You will do great.
Laney - Wow look at you 32 weeks!! Glad to hear everything is going ok with you and your bump. So you know when your little man will be here? Oh it is very crazy how things are going so fast not long to go now though . To your question I'm no help as im still young and want a few more kids. Take your time deciding though theres still 6 weeks to go.
It's kind of strange how so many of us have considered funeral options and that it's normal, I even mentioned to DH a couple of weeks ago that I wanted them all to have matching headstones.
JennaJayen - I have everything crossed for you that nothing happens and it's a good thing that you haven't had any bleeding this time, but I also understand. All of my pregnancies so far have had complications except this one and it seems so inevitable that I keep expecting something to go wrong. I agree with TylersMummy that talking to hubby about your concerns is a good idea.
Laney - that's great news that the scan went well and things seem to be calming down for you, now you can focus on the arrival of your little one. As to your question, i think it's quiet a personal choice, so take your time to make the right decision for you. I've always like the idea of having one earth baby for every angel baby we have, but as we know plans change and we don't always have control over it.
I finally got up the nerve to make the appointment, now I've just got to get up the courage to make go to the appointment. I've been an emotional wreck the last couple of days, I'm sure hormones and the holidays aren't helping. I'm just missing my angel's, especially Isabel, SO much at the moment and I'm worried because I know the closer I get to the same point this pregnancy the harder it's going to get (I'm going to be horrible to be around in 8wks time).
KAM - god for you for making the appointment!!! Well done. It's ok to be a wreck around the same gestation that Isabel died, actually it's ok to be a wreck all of the time. I think I am, I just disguise it. How is your Kate going? Oh and not that my opinion on this matter counts, but I would be going for the same headstones! Absolutely.
Laney - I don't know how to answer that. I think you either just know or you lose the strength to keep going. When the nausea and fatigue hit me extra hard I wonder if this will be my last pregnancy and then I think about my age, and perhaps it will be. But then I think if things don't work out, that I am not ready emotionally to stop trying, so maybe it won't be. When I get really low I do wonder if HB will be an only child. Some parts of me welcomes that ( the selfish ones) and the other parts of me just get really sad and won't let that happen. So really about that question, I am all betwixt and between.
Something really surprising happened the other day. My brother is 50, and he has an acquired brain injury the accident which caused it happened when I was about 4 months pregnant with Amelia. Anyway, when I told him about this pregnancy just the other day, he said the most beautiul thing " this is baby 5 or 6?" He couldn't remember the specifics but he actually counted the wee angels as babies. OMG, no one else in my family ever mentions our angels. How ironic that the one with the impaired capacity does? Anywya, it was a very special moment for me. Made me realise it's better not to assume people with impaired capacity have impaired capacity in all areas. His emotional intelligence has certainly not been affected.
Kam - Well done on making the app hun it is very hard but im sure you will find the strength and courage to go to it. Its normal to be worried when you get round the gestations of your losses, I have had a few early losses and 1 late loss but once I made it safely past 23 and 3 I knew for some reason I could just enjoy and embrace this pregnancy. I wish time would go slower cause now I dont have long . If you dont mind me asking how far along are you?
Dory - Wow that is great thing about your brother remembering your angels even if he has impaired capacity it is amazing what some people are like and what they remember. Im glad that his beautiful words made you feel good! I dont know if I have asked but.. How far into your pregnancies were your losses? Sorry to be noisey but I dont think I've ever asked about your darling angels.
AFM - I have a scan tomorrow cant wait to see my little chubba bub, DF is most likely coming up at christmas but only for a few days but hell be back again after 2 weeks to get me, hes hoping to have the house set up before I get there so that I dont have to do anything how sweet of him. I was very cranky with him the other day I sent him a text message saying "You dont care, I've had enough you can stay with yourself from now on. Im going back to NZ to people who do care. You can organise something with mum and Josh with getting your stuff." He basically told me he probably wont be coming at christmas and that one of his work mates had invited him to his house for xmas diner. It ****ed me right off as this is the guy hes been out drinking with alot. But everything is ok he rung my mum that night to see what was wrong mum said I was upset as im all alone up here and cant do nothing. But we are fine now I cant believe how much of a nasty woman I am to him and he still wants to be with me..
Tyler's Mummy - you're not nasty at all! What you were feeling was legitimate - alone and unsupported and the you find out DP is dtiching you for a drinking buddy? Not cool. He needs to step up and be more considerate. Well that's what I think. Sometimes in hindsight I think we could all say things better, but your feelings were very real and you told him about them.
Good luck with your scan!
Hmm my losses. Back in about 1994 I had a loss at about 8 weeks but I don't ever think about that one and it's not really included in my ticker. I do think about how old that child might be from time to time and think about how different my life would be. IN July 08, I had a m/c at 8 weeks. Blighted ovum. Went for a dating scan to see an empty sac. My first ever scan and it was so sad. Then Amelia was born alive after spontaneous premature birth at 23 weeks, gest. She was too young to survive. So she died in my arms. Nicholas was born alive at 14 weeks gest. Because of that I can't call him a m/c. He wasn't just some blob of blood clot that I passed, but a wee little baby that I held alive for a second or two before he died. He was one of a twin ship. He was twin 1, or the presenting twin, the one closest to the birth canal. He was born after some bleeding which started at about 10 weeks, and continued on and off until his amniotic sac ruptured and about 24 hours later, he kind of just slipped on out, still attached to his umbilical cord. Luckily I was having a scan at the time when his predicament was discovered and there was an Obs next door to the maternal fetal medicine unit who delivered our wee boy. Then his twin sister, they were fraternal twins, with their own separate placenta and sac ( non identical) Sophie was born at 19 weeks gest, again spontaneous prem labour. I birthed her without any pain relief, and I was proud of myself for that. She lived she ages after she was born, about 4 hours. DH gave her a bath and we both cuddled her and nursed her, in fact I nursed her all through the night. I didn't do that with Amelia. For Amelia, the thought of sleeping with my dead baby just scared me. We had Amelia in the room with us quite a bit, but she also spent our sleeping time away from us. So 8 weeks, 8 weeks, 23 weeks, 14 weeks and 19 weeks. Never given any reason for the spontaneous prem labours, but possible cervical incompetence. Thanks for asking. Always happy to tell.
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. Well I hope that it settles down for you soon and you don't have it the whole pregnancy lol. Yes 3 weeks not much to do actually DF did most of it before he left which is good.
I wish it was under different circumstances that we were meeting on here.
. Sending you sticky vibes hope this little one is a sticky one. Have you talked to your DH about something happening? (touch wood that it doesn't)
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