KAM - sweetie - congratulations on your pregnancy. It is joyous news. Good to see you, but sad to hear you're doing it tough. But, doing it tough is to be expected.

Ahh, let me say I know all too well the feelings you're having. All of them. There was many a time during HB's pregnancy that I was absolutely certain that the pregnancy was lost/doomed and I started to give up. Those times were very dark and lonely times. So hugs sweetie.

All I can say is that every pregnancy is a new beginning, and you must feel that somewhere too, otherwise you wouldn't have TTC. So even though the hope gets lost amongst the fear, it is there. I know it's there. You know I can't tell you everything will be alright, cause none of us know that, and our heartbreaking experiences tell us, the statistics do not favour us, or our pregnancies. But right at this moment, you are pregnant, and that is truly a miracle blessing. That's what I found helped me through, just trusting in each moment, as that's all I had.

But all is not lost.... you have done it before! Your little turbo toddler is here and you did that. You got her here safely. So even though I know you have very little faith in yourself and your body, you have done it before, and so you can do it again.

Those are the things that help.

About the fear of managing two? OMG, I have it too. I think about it a lot too. I wonder if that is what keeps me awake in the middle of the night unable to sleep. I doubt myself at every turn. I am scared about the sleep deprivation and scared that I will have more of those parenting moments that I am just deeply ashamed of, when I don't live up to my own expectation. But the thing that gets me through? Well sort of? Loads of other people have done it and they seemed to have survived. So if they can do it so can I. After all, after all we have been through, we can get through the next stage.

I must admit, I often think that this pregnancy with raspberry bear will end in still birth. And i have vague plans for the funeral service. Not sure why, maybe just preparing for the worst?. But then I thought that about HB too. The guilt that comes with those thoughts is soul destroying. But I think it's ok to feel them, sometimes. If you felt them all of the time, then it would be time to go talk to someone.

So my dear I am afraid, I think you are pretty normal. Sadly, very very normal for all you've been through. Give that turbo toddler of yours a hug from us.

About the hossy? Hmm, why not call and ask to speak to the social worker and see if they can help you with your admission stuff? They could read through your file, and probably be there for your booking stuff. It might help make it easier for you. You might have to sign an authority for them to access your file though. But at least you should then be dealing with someone who is there for you, both as a support person and an advocate? If you can't bring yourself to do that, I will ring for you. I know how hard it is. Luckily for me the hossy I go to is private, and I still go up there for baby clinics so they don't have a chance to forget me. I pretty much speak to all the middies I know and the matron and 2IC every time I go. No way are they going to forget about me. Ha, that's my cunning plan. Also, I am at peace with the hossy now and have been for a while. I like to go back and stand outside the birthing suites and rooms where I first met my babies.

Jenna - so glad that the all day m/s is gone, with the help of a little medication! I still have mine, but it's not every day now. I get by with a little help from my friend maxalon. But some days it doesn't really make it go away, just takes the edge off. DH really got his skates on about the vasectomy huh? I understand why you'd feel so worried about it. A vas can be reversed, it's just painful, and not always successful. Not like childbirth is painful at all... LOL. 11 weeks is amazing huh? For me it doesn't mean that much. My losses have more often than not been late second semester... so whilst it's a mini milestone for me, it's not as big a relief as it seems to be for others? And then there is the bizzare belief I will have a still birth. I think it's because it's one of the experiences I have yet to have.... and really why not me. But thankfully one little HB doesn't give me too much time to dwell on it and then I am too exhausted at the end of the day to do anything but fall into bed. I probably told you already but this pregnancy basically coincides exactly with the dates for Amelia's. So in February next year I reckon I will be a basket case with anxiety.

Laney - how are you doing? How are those gorgeous boys of yours?

Tyler's mum - have you moved? Is that why you are so quiet? Hope all is ok and thinking about you lots.

Anyway, better go have a shower and freshen up. It's muggy here today. I hate muggy weather. It makes me feel blergh, even when I am not pregnant. At this gestation with HB's pregnancy I had been on bed rest for 4 weeks. OMG, how did I do that?