Reply With QuoteUltimately, Bec, you need to make the decision that is best for you. Having a termination to please your partner would be so, so hard, on the other hand, so is being a single mum. Both are not ideal situations but at the end of the day you have to be the one who can look at yourself in the mirror and live with the choices you've made - as others have said, it doesn't matter now how you came to be in this situation (I know first-hand that 'accidents' happen, no form of contraception is foolproof when you and your partner are both reasonably fertile and it's certainly not my place - or helpful to you! - to speculate or ask about whether contraception was being used or where it 'went wrong'), it's too late for that now. What you need now is support, some independent advice and opinions, and some time to think long and hard about what your future holds as to which path you take.
All I can do is offer my own opinion - and going purely by the posts you've written (as I don't know the full story of your life, or your relationship), I have to say I get the feeling that keeping this baby would be the better option for you. You've been through a termination and dealt with the heartache of being 'forced' to end a pregnancy because of your partner's wishes - can you do it again and move forward without feeling increasingly resentful of him for ignoring your feelings and essentially implying that your desire to be a mum again is less important than his desire to be financially secure? Is money the ONLY issue that is playing on his mind, or is there some other reason he is so adamant about not wanting more babies? If he's so determined to not be a dad again, has he looked into taking responsibility for that side of things (eg, researched vasectomy etc)? (A bit off-topic obviously as it comes back to contraception, which is pointless now, but it comes across as a bit selfish that he is the one who wants his own way but won't take any responsibility for ensuring that he can't make any more kids...)
I chose to stick to two kids for financial reasons (among others). But there is living proof all over this site that families of 3 or more kids can and do live comfortably on a reasonable income - I'm sure it gets tough at times, but there are ways to fudge the budgets and cut costs to ensure that everyone's needs are met. Is it possible for either of you to pursue further education in order to gain better-paid employment in the future to provide for your family? Can you do some temp work while pregnant (I don't know if you're working right now) in order to save up some funds for when the baby is born?
As for depression and the overwhelming demands of coping with another child - yes, it's tough, but it sounds like you're in a good place as far as contact with your doctor and/or therapist and have a treatment plan in place. Any doctor worth their fee would be happy to monitor you during your pregnancy and beyond to make sure you stay as happy and healthy as possible, so it's workable. In my opinion it sounds like you would probably do a lot better emotionally if you had the support of your partner in this - it's no small thing that he's asking of you and it does sound like he's being a bit unreasonable ('termination or else' kinda deal).
Coming back to my first few statements... YOU are the one who has to live with this decision, whichever way you go. Your partner may not understand that termination is not as easy as a visit to the clinic and then you get over it after a few days of crying and cramping - it's so much more than that, and I fear that you may really suffer emotionally if you go through with a termination for his sake when you have stated that you really do wish to continue this pregnancy and be a mum again. On the other hand, if you go ahead and have this baby you may well end up being a single mum - which certainly doesn't mean you have to 'take your little guy away from his dad' at all, but raising kids single-handedly is a really tough gig - but we women are pretty amazing when it comes to finding the strength and resources to carry on and keep going
Either way, none of us here can make this decision for you, but we are always happy to listen, discuss things with you and to give you the support you need. I wish you the best of luck with whatever decision you make, it is a very tough one but you need to work out which decision is the one you can live with, itms. Hang in there, good luck - don't be afraid to keep talking to us about this. x
ETA: Wow. It's little wonder the termination support group here is private, with sentiments like that floating around. Some of you up there on your moral high horses would be absolutely ashamed of yourselves if you knew some of the journeys that some BBers (you know, people you care about and have respect for and are friends with...) have been through. And this is exactly why we can't talk openly about fears concerning unwanted pregnancies or considering terminations... I'm pretty disgusted right now.
Bec, you may want to consider seeking permission to join the Termination Support Group. At least you can then talk to others about the whole situation without fear of judgement or blatant attacks from people who just don't get it :/
Just want to add a smiley, Tali, I have a terrible history with tact. I often say it as I see it but am learning. So just wanted to add that my post isn't an attack on you like the others. Just simply pointing out the problem that you may not have realised.
Bookmarks