Parenting After LT TTC ~ January - April 2008

[mako]

Thanks Willow. I'm sure I won't hold back if she says anything to upset me

Yeh Its the big 3-0 real soon and I don't think I'm liking it too much either lol.
Its kinda snuck up on me and I had soooo many thing I wanted to have accomplished and most haven't happened yet Oh well thats life.

Monnie I hope your next pregnancy comes along quicker for you guys this time. Will you go back on the Clomid straight away or do you have to try youselves first?
My Ob told me not to wait long once we start ttc again before I see her again.In all honnesty we haven't been trying to prevent another pregnancy. I'm still BF and thats the only form of so called contraception ( not that too much DTD happens here atm lol).Sorry that may have been a little TMI.

Willow I always wanted 4 by the time I was 30. Thats certainly not going to happen I'm pretty sure we'll be stopping at 2 unless the next pregnancy is twins That will be a huge shock for my DH if that happens


Hi to Sazz, Jo,Rach,Jason,Kim,Sushee and hopefully some of the new mummys make their way here soon.

[monnie]

Yeah...I wanted 4 too, Mako!!! Mind you, my grandmother had her first baby (my Mum) at 42 (no fertility help required...she just married really late)...so maybe there's still hope!

Wow Willow...you have a great memory! I was very fortunate with Clomid so I'm hoping 2nd time around will be the same.

Deep down in my heart, I feel like we will be successful...but I just feel that fear creeping back every now and then...one of the long term side effects of LTTTC, I guess!

We aren't trying not to get pregnant either...but not a lot of DTD-ing happening...we're both SO TIRED!!!

Mako...30 is great! I've truly loved my 30's...even though alot of it was TTC...but it's a fantastic decade for a woman I think. You feel so much more comfortable with yourself (well...I did, after very insecure 20's) and I truly think you just come into your own...

Hi to all...hope life is going well. Felix is doing really well. He's at such an adorable age...very very cute! I walked in to find him sitting up in his cot today...he looked like such a big kid! He's crawling (well...dragging himself around)...we very much need to make our house crawling-proof!

Okay...have to go...we just bought the DVD set of Vicar of Dibley...The West Wing DVD set got us through our pregnancy...this will get us through the next 6 months!

Take care all...

[sazzafrazz]

Hello everyone,
Wow, I miss a few days and what happens in here? HEAPS.. oh well.

Sorry to hear about Sage's cold Mako. It is such a hard time when you cant fix it for them hey? And be strong when it comes to your mum. You dont need ppl undermining your confidence in your parenting. As if you wouldnt be doing everything possible to comfort him?

Monnie, trust that gut feeling. I had it with our successful cycle and hadnt had it before that one so it proved to work for me. I think there are somethings you just KNOW.

Had a conversation with my best friend today. She was complaining about the pill and what she is going to do. She is almost decided their family is complete but not totally sure. I was just thinking "OH, to have the luxury of that choice!!". She said it took 4months for the first conception and 2 for the second. I remember with the second, she told me she was trying and then started to complain that it hadnt worked after the first month. I told her today that it took 10years and 1month to concieve Celeste and I dont think she had ever really worked out how long it was for us till today.

Talking about how many children we would like, we would have liked 3 but if we keep going at the rate we have I will be almost 55 by the time the 3rd will be born!!!!! Somehow dont think that will be happening lol. We do have 3 frozen embryos left but I know from previous experience that the thaw and success rate with frozens isnt as good as fresh so I am not banking on it. I do however have that feeling that we will have another baby but not for a while. DH says if these frozen ones dont work we wont go for another stim cycle and I am tempted to agree. I really feel that having had Celeste has been such a blessing that I would be content if she is our only child. There is no bigger change in life than the first time you become a parent and although I would love to have more children the first born is really achieving that goal of becoming a family. YKWIM? I dont want to sound like subsequent children arent as important or anything. I hope you get my meaning: I am becoming ok with the idea she may be an only child.

I am just loving being a Mum. Every day is such a joy!!! I thought I would be missing those newborn things but with each day and each new thing Celeste does I just look at today and the future really as every day gets better and better. She is really interacting so much with me nowdays and we really love each other's company. I get such pleasure out of each new thing she learns and does. There really is nothing else like it!!! Ah, I could talk about her all day lol.

I'll agree that the 30s are pretty good. I was very insecure and emotional throughout my 20s and reaching 31 was really like a point to stop and breath a sigh of relief that they were over. I can only imagine what the 40s are like? I feel so much more comfortable with who I am and what is important around me now. I have thicker skin but more empathy.. all those things.

My new mums group has just finished the official meetings with the CYH people and we loved each others company so much we are continuing to meet weekly at each others houses. I have found new friends and that is something I was really looking forward to with being a parent. For so many years I watched my friends make new friends with others who had children and find new family type interests and really felt left behind by that. I felt it really reinforced what we didnt have. Since having Celeste so much has changed in our lives: it really does alter everything and in a good way!

(For someone who suffered depression for so many years and they were worried I would be suseptable to PND, I dont think they need to worry, do you? hahaha)

Hope everyone is loving life and feeling good too.
Where are all the new people????

[onthefly]

Hi everyone - just thought I'd make an appearance while I have a moment. Wow, this parenting lark is hard work, hey? Aric is sound asleep right now - can only hope he'll keep it up for at least some of the night. I'm getting used to the broken sleep; still working on bf - oooo my sore nipples - but he seems to be feeding well at least. 12 days in and it still doesn't quite seem real... is he really ours to keep?

I'll try and pop in later - dinner time now.

Take care everyone

[mako]

Marcellus It takes a while to get used to the idea that our bubs are ours to keep. I have moments all the time thinking how lucky I am to have my bub here after all we went through to fulfill our dream of becoming parents. It truely is a blessing and I cherish every moment including the lack of sleep lol.

You are doing a fantastic job BF hun. It certainly isn't easy to do but it does get easier as time passes by.

I've posted some pics in the gallery for anyone who's interested.They were taken just after Sage was born.

[onthefly]

Awwwww - he's soooo tiny Mako! and very cute. You look so happy. I'll add some pics of our little darling too

[monnie]

Hey guys

Just wanted to let you know that I'll be having a little break from bellybelly...

It really saddens me to do this...but I'm just finding I get so involved on BB, that my 'offline' life is getting more and more disorganised...

I just need to spend some time getting things in order and hopefully I'll be back.

I wanted to say, from the depths of my heart...THANKYOU!!! This site was a true godsend after 2.5 years of feeling very alone in our LTTTC journey. The advice, support and understanding that has been offered to me, truly made a difference...and for that I'm so grateful.

Special thanks to Sushee, Sez (Janie), Mako, Flowerchild and Mantaray...your online friendship, support and advice is so valued.

Big hugs to all the PALTTTC chickies (many who are now mummies after LTTTC!) It's been an honour sharing your journey with you!

All the very best to two LTTTC girls that I have shared part of the journey with...Butterfly Warrior and BeiBei...I wish you guys all the very very best...and look forward to returning one day and seeing your dreams fulfilled.

To everyone else...thanks so much and take care...

I'm off (and I'm going to!)...I hope to be back...but until then, happy days!

[mako]

Oh Monnie I'm so sad to read your post hun.
I do understand what you mean about your offline life suffering a bit though.I hope you get things sorted out very soon and we can have you back here with us.
I want to say a huge thankyou to you aswell.I've treasured your friendship and advice and much valued support during my time here on BB.
I wish you all the very best chickie
Take Care and know that we'll be here when you return

[sazzafrazz]

Oh Monnie,
Sorry to hear you need a break to get things sorted out. Wishing you the best of luck in that and returning to us sometime when you can. It has been great getting to know you and for your support since meeting you in LTTTC. Loved hearing all the little updates on you and your little Felix.

Havent been on BB myself much lately. Celeste is much more time consuming now and I just dont seem to have the spare time lately. I try to spend a lot of the time she is awake playing/reading with her then there are all the usual household things... you know how it goes.

Big thing for me: had to work last thursday night. Not happy Jan! I only did it to save DH from working nearly 24 hours straight. He worked all day at his dayjob and was going to have to get up for work again at 2am for a big day so he couldnt really work 5pm till midnight inbetween!!! It was a once off because of various dramas with both workplaces... Luckily I had a days notice and had a bit of EBM in the freezer so I just had to express one feeds worth during the day. I took my pump to work (to relieve a bit of pressure and keep the same supply up) and then fed Celeste as soon as I came home at 12.15am (she woke up right on time!). So the feeding wasnt really a drama but BOY DID I MISS HER!!! Luckily it was very busy that night so I didnt have a lot of time to think about her but it did decide for me that I really dont want to go back to work now. I have my job kept open for me informally but I am sure now that I want to stay home. I think I have always wanted to be a SAHM but also the long time waiting for this has made me want to savour it even more. DH is happy for me to do that and we are very lucky that we can almost afford it!

Well, thats about it from me, Celeste is a joy as always. She is doing so well but unfortunately has another cold and not sleeping through anymore. I think she has a bit of reflux waking her inthe night.
Hope youare all going well and hope to hear from Monnie again soon

Sazz

[Willow]

Monnie - sorry to see you go (for a while at least). Have been contemplating the same myself, for the same reasons and others. Hope to see you back one day soon.

OK, this post might be a bit TMI but here goes...

I've lost my mojo...it's seriously gone and doesn't look like it's returning!! DTD is just NOT on my list of priorities. I have to force myself - poor DH. He is very understanding but it can't be much fun for him. I keep waiting for it to come back but it just isn't. After 3 prg's in 3 years, m/c, surgeries, IVF, 9 months of self imposed abstinence while prg with L (I just couldn't handle the bleeding that would always follow) etc etc I just don't feel the same way about my body. I don't feel sexy AT ALL. I still feel broken. DH tells me to stop thinking about it but since L's birth I'm thinking about it more than ever. He made a joke last night about how often we used to DTD when we were trying to conceive L - I ended up bawling my eyes out. This incredible sadness just came over me and I couldn't stop it. DH tells me to stop thinking about it, that we won, we have our beautiful son. I agree 100% with that but it doesn't change the way I feel about ME. I see the scars every day in the shower. It's OK for him, he could quite easily go out and have more children if he wanted to. I can't. I never thought it would bother me after we had L but it really is. Is it ever going to go away?

Don't get me wrong, life is great and it's not like this is overwhelming me or anything, but it seems to be directly linked to DTD and I just feel so sad about it.

[sushee]

Willow

I hate it when I have heaps to say but am pressed for time. Just wanted you to know you just articulated how I feel. But in my case, my DH feels the same way (like he's broken, emasculated) and this is an issue we also deal with. We now have what we were seeking - our child - but feel the process has forced us to evolve into different creatures. Some parts of the evolved "us" are good, but there are also so many diificult residual effects. Some we wonder if we'll ever surmount.

[Willow]

Thanks Sushee, I knew you'd understand...

I feel even worse about it today - I had a good friend come over who after having her first DD on her own and raising her as a single mum for the first 18 months is now in a new relationship and has just had her second daughter with her new partner. He has 2 children from a previous relationship so they have 4 all together. She told me today that they have decided to have one more because they really want a boy. I felt like I'd been kicked in the stomach. That old realisation that it's that easy for other people. They pick and chose when and how many they'll have.

I'm starting to feel a dread wash over me that this feeling isn't going to go away - despite the fact I managed to have another baby, I am still infertile. And it sucks just as much now as it did then. Maybe more so because I have no doubt that if it wasn't for the ordeal we had to go through to have our beautiful boy, DH would be a lot more willing to have another baby.

[sushee]

I agree with you completely Willow but I guess I've lately found peace in forever feeling infertile, even if I wish it were otherwise. I am pretty sure now it'll never go away, the way I feel now. It's been two years and it still haunts me.

I still feel that kick in the guts when someone close tells me they're pg/they're trying. A colleague of mine (same age as me) starting TTC the same month I fell pg to Charlie, and fell the very next month. Her DD was born 6 weeks after Charlie. I spoke to her a week ago and she and her DH are trying again, and I am actually dreading hearing from her anytime soon to say they're expecting again. I am sure I'll fall to pieces, despite the fact I really like her, despite the fact she doesn't deserve any less than to have more kids, despite the fact DH and I aren't having anymore. I just mourn not having an option that doesn't include invasive tests, lots of needles and loads and loads of money just for privilege of TRYING to get pg (because as we all know, the end result is, of course, not gauranteed!).

I expect that it's one of the reasons I have never really let go of the IVF/infertility side of things, despite having had Charlie. It's the only way I feel in some sort of control over how it's affected me.

[mako]

Willow I completely understand what you are talking about hun.
My dh ALWAYS want to DTD and i'm not 1 bit interested at all. Its a really tough place to be and I really don't think DH's get it even if they say they do. I know mine doesn't and he just gets upset sometimes when I turn him down or sneak off to bed a bit earlier than him so I'm asleep when he comes in and he won't wake me up too often
He is always commenting about how much we used to dtd when trying for Sage. He was even saying it was too much at times but now its all turned around and he says he's not getting enough

Anyway I really think(or hope) its a common problem with us LTTTC'ers. I really hope this passes in the future.
And yes it does feel like we've been kicked in the guts everytime someone announces they are preg or are trying to fall preg and it happens so easily for them.
Big hugs to both you and to Sushee

I'm off camping tomorrow and will be back Monday. I hope you all have a good weekend.
Take Care.

P.S Its Sage's 6 month birthday today. Happy Birthday little man. Mummy and Daddy love you so so much

[mako]

My goodness its quiet in here.

I guess you're all busy with your precious little bubs.

Not alot going on here atm although Sage isn't very well. I had him at the Dr's Thursday last week for his 6 month needles. Anyway he was really unwell on Friday with the usual cold symptoms like a runny nose,cough, a little bit of a temp and just generally out of sorts.I just thought it was a reaction to the needles.
Anyway it turns out that he has the chicken pox. He started coming out in spots yesterday and even more today. We have been back to the drs this arv and he is 99.9% sure its the chicken pox. He took a swab to send off to pathology and we should have the results back tomorrow. My poor little guy is just so unhappy. He cries in his sleep and is really clingy too. I hope he is feeling better soon

Hope you are all ok.

[onthefly]

Hi everyone.

Monnie- sorry that you're leaving us. I too hope you'll be able to pop in ocasionally to let us know how you and your boy are doing.

Mako - is Sage doing better now? poor little thing.

I was hoping the whole DTD thing would get better with time... I konw it's early days yet, but I really have no interest and frankly feel like I'm broken down there.

Our little guy is going well. After a slow start he's putting on weight nicely now and sleeps well during the night, going 5-6 hours between feeds, which gives us a chance for a bit of sleep. He's smiling and trying to laugh - guess it will take time before he can get the sound out . Have been happy to discover that most of the nappies I made work reasonably well, though they need extra boosters for absorbency cause he pees like a champion.

We're visiting my parents for mother's day. I framed a pic of the three of us taken soon after Aric's birth to give her. Dh has even gotten something for me - and I only had to hint/nag a little bit!

Hope you and your lovely bubbies are doing well - Happy mother's day for Sunday.

[mako]

Hi I just wanted to wish everyone a very happy mothers day for tomorrow.

We aren't going to be doing anything too exciting as my little man is still very sick.
We are just going to be hanging out at home but thats ok with me as I'll have my 3 very special boys with me(dh,ds and our black lab)

I just wanted to share this little message with you all too as I think its lovely

A mum is gods love in action
She looks with her heart and feels with her eyes
A mum is a bank where her children deposit all their worries and hurt
A mum is the cement that keeps her family together
And her love lasts a lifetime

Happy Mothers Day!!!!!!

[sazzafrazz]

Hi everone

Hope you all had a happy mother's day.

We gave foot/hand prints to the grandparents for mother's day. I dont think I will do it every year though it would be a nice idea for yourselves to keep. Trouble is keeping the little mites still long enough. Took quite a few tries to get a nice foot and a nice hand on one piece of paper!

We went out for lunch to a nice cafe with SIL and her family. It was quite nice but I didnt have a relaxing time at all because Celeste had ANOTHER cold and was quite grumpy that day. Oh well. Celeste made me a nice homemade card and gave me a cd. Her handwriting is suspiciously like her father's at this stage

Little miss needs me... got to go.
Keep smiling everyone: life is good!

Sazz