The "Is this your first" question

[NaeNae]

HI All,

I am just wondering how other people dealt with the question "Is this your first baby" when you get stuck talking to strangers. I work in Tourism in a customer service role and more often than not I get asked that question.

I do find it a bit awkward because I really don't like to lie - not even white ones. So I am always honest and say no. Then the following questions seem to follow -

Q - so what is the other one?
R - she was a little girl (hoping the WAS was a big enough give away)

Q - how old is she?
R - she would have been 1 this year

Q - so where is she? (usually followed with looks of did you give your baby up)
R - Heaven

Q - OMG I am so sorry
R - its ok she came too early and was just too little

Not only is it awkward for the person but I feel like ****e afterwards. A colleague suggested I just say that yes its my first but I absolutely cannot say this as I feel its disrespecting Nikita's memory and the significant role she plays in our lives.

Not that its anyone business and I rarely go into lengthy discussion about what happened but I was wondering how other people dealt with that question and how they avoided or changed the subject when it arose.

Any input is appreciated.

Cheers Nae x

[Anila]

Hun, if it was me, i would be inclined say, "no its not my first, my first child is an angel baby and we miss her dearly.
Its straight to the point and should evade any further questions, and it also acknowledges Nikita.


(edt, i just read that back and my post sounds so blunt, sorry that was not my intention)
When i fell pregnant for the second time, with my first earth baby, i always said to people who asked that this was my first baby, but i have an angel baby as well.


and btw, im sp pleased that everything is going so well for you.

[Jakabella]

I aways say first baby but second pregnacy.. so then they catch the drift. But I lost my first bub @ 8 weeks so its a little different.
With freinds / familiy I will say no but with strangers I say yes first baby.. I just think its rude of them to ask in the first place!

Your going so so so well babe!

Kate

[Willow]

I'm in a slightly different situation because mine was a pretty early loss, 12 weeks. If strangers ask I tell them this is baby #3 (and feel a bit awful about it later ) If a health professional asks I tell them this is my fourth prg, third baby.

There's never going to be an easy answer for that question babe, and for what it's worth, I think your response is perfect

[MrsFabuloso]

For me, it used to depend on who was asking and what sort of frame of mind I was in when they asked. But if I did answer with an affirmative answer I usually went with the 'No it's my 2nd/3rd/4th pg'. People usually got the drift. I do like your answer too though. it's never going to be an easy question to answer.

[DoubleK]

yep, i do the 'this is my 2nd bub, but 3rd pregnancy' thing

Honestly... untill i had suffered a miscarriage myself.. i had no idea of the emotional pain of losing a bub, even in the early early days. i always thought of it as 'you're pregnant, then you're not...' kinda thing. but gosh has that line of thought changed!

i try not to be too upfront when discussing a miscarriage with someone who either A. hasnt got any kids, or B hasnt had a miscarriage themselves. as i feel it puts them in an awkward position.

perhaps if you're just making 'small talk' with someone, it migh be easier to say 'yep, first bub' but i guess if your actually having a conversation, you may be more inclined to go further into detail. sometimes i prefer not to mention losing my bub.. i dont always feel like discussing it.

[Michelle71]

Depends on my mood really and who I am talking to. When DS was born I could honestly answer that he was my first son. Now I answer I have two babies at home. If they are stupid enough to ask further I tell them about Caitlyn. Usually that I had a stillborn daughter before my son. Same as when they say they are close together in age (DS and DD) I usually tell them it took us a long time to successfully get our first baby (both Caitlyn and DS so I can be referring to both / either)

Hopefully without offending anyone here ...............

I actually found my multiple miscarriages faded into relative insignificance after the loss of Caitlyn but that may also have been because all of them were very early. I never feel the desire to tell of them unless pressed for details or for medical appointments etc. I do, happily and frequently, talk about Caitlyn. There is so much stigma attached to a stillbirth (and miscarriage) that I feel my openess is (hopefully) a way to take away some of that.

[briggsy's girl]

Nae - i think the way you're answering should be fine - if people are nosey, at some point they need to have the obvious pointed out to them. why they ask where your other child is completely astounds me when you're at work though - do they think you'd have a child with you???

Michelle - i've not had a late term loss so i can't say whether my earlier losses would pale as they have for you - but like you, i refuse to allow people to negate the importance of those angel babies in my heart. there is too much stigma around acknowledging angel babies at any stage - i try to debunk that in my own way. i am not afraid of saying we have our first forever baby now after so many losses - the same as i'm not afraid or ashamed to admit we've been through AC. i think the only way for that stigma to be taken away is for us to be open - but for some, that is very painful and i can understand why it doesn't happen...

[Lisa]

I get asked if this pregnancy is my first and I obviously answer that no it's not. I have 3 living children and we had a still born son.
If it is to strangers that I will never see again I just answer in the way that they want to hear. For me, I have never wanted the subject of Noah to make people uncomfortable so I know that there are some things that are best left unsaid. Although having said that, there are some people I have met that I just feel comfortable enough with to tell them about Noah... a lot of the time they have shared with me their own sad stories of loss.

I actually found my multiple miscarriages faded into relative insignificance after the loss of Caitlyn but that may also have been because all of them were very early. I never feel the desire to tell of them unless pressed for details or for medical appointments etc

I'm exactly the same way. Although my miscarriage was significant and still painful, it in no way compares to losing Noah.

[Rach75]

I know what you mean a lot of the time it depends who I am speaking too, I get extremely emotional when asked is Jack my first etc, and I say yes, I feel like I have neglected Katy disrespected ehr in some way but then I think I know the truth Jack will know the truth when he is older enough to understand the important people in ours lives know the truth and thats what matters

Hopefully without offending anyone here ...............

I actually found my multiple miscarriages faded into relative insignificance after the loss of Caitlyn but that may also have been because all of them were very early. I never feel the desire to tell of them unless pressed for details or for medical appointments etc. I do, happily and frequently, talk about Caitlyn. There is so much stigma attached to a stillbirth (and miscarriage) that I feel my openess is (hopefully) a way to take away some of that.

I am the same way ... only real close friends family and medical people realise this is our 7th pg but will hopefully result in the birth of our 2nd live child and 3rd child together

[pash]

It's a tough one NaeNae. Do you lie to make the strangers comfortable? Or do you tell the truth?

Your approach sounds good to me. If they keep pushing, they get an unexpected answer. But if they let it go at the first question, then it's fine.

It's a hard one I think because something that is so personal like a pregnancy, is on display for everyone to see and chat to you about.

This is something I've been struggling with too. And until now have just been saying that it's my first and feeling a bit dirty for lying and not acknowledging my angel babies. But I really don't want ppl at work to know anything so personal about me.

Hope you strike a balance.

[Muppity]

Its a tough one Nae and it is something that I haven't been through but I am wondering if you could just keep talking and not really give them the opportunity to ask follow up questions.

I am thinking something along the lines of "no, this isn't my first, I had a little girl previously, but we are so looking forward to meeting this one, we [find out the sex/paint the nursery/ whatever] next week and then we have the pressure of trying to find the perfect name, choosing names is just so hard, there are no many things to consider aren't there. Now, how long did you say you were staying for?"