Should I let her stay over???

[Lulu]

I'm pretty disappointed actually. There were boys staying over, there were 14yos drinking (and I know the parents of this kid too and I wouldnt have thought they had that stance) with their parents permission.
One girl drank an entire bottle of champagne etc etc etc etc.

So alot less supervision than I would expect, but like I was hoping DD got some experience of seeing how foolish and unattractive it looks.
I still have battles ahead, but I didn't think I would be the LONE parent refusing to allow this "because everyone else does" .

At least DD tells me everything that goes on.....

[Trillian]

You did the right thing. Things are just so much more different now to what they were when we were doing this. She will thank you for all this one day - maybe not in the next 2 or 3 years but certainly one day she will.

[~Kim~]

Well done Lulu

It is hard to stand alone, but without people who had the courage to do so, imagine what the world would be like.

I think she's got a top mum.

[Rouge]

You did good luce. And she is a very mature girl. You give her the right amount of trust and I think thats perfect. I would be pretty disgusted at the mother to allow such goings on. The poor kids of us hooligans they will be lucky to get away with anything I even have chats now with Paris at 6 about how appropriate certain behaviour it is and how dangerous other behaviour is. She'll tell anyone who asks how dangerous it is for teenagers to drink LOL lets hope it stays in her brain whilst she's got hormones and peer pressure to deal with And I can only hope that Paris and I will have the lines of communication as open as yours and your DD. You did good mumma real good!

[Madham]

Just wanted to say well done Lulu you did the right thing. I know i am going to go throught this in just a few years and i hope i can deal with things as you have. I posted this is another thread but thought it might be appropriate to copy it to here also. Well done again. Maybe you should print this off and give it to the mum that held the party.

Mean Mums

Someday when my children are old enough to
Understand the logic that motivates a parent, I will
Tell them, as my Mean Mum told me: I loved you
Enough . . To ask where you were going, with whom,
And what time you would be home.

I loved you enough to be silent and let you
Discover that your new best friend was a creep.

I loved you enough to stand over you for two hours
While you cleaned your room, a job that should have taken 15 minutes.
I loved you enough to let you see anger,
Disappointment, and tears in my eyes. Children must
Learn that their parents aren't perfect.

I loved you enough to let you assume the
Responsibility for your actions even when the
Penalties were so harsh they almost broke my heart.

But most of all, I loved you enough . . . To say
NO when I knew you would hate me for it.

Those were the most difficult battles of all. I'm
Glad I won them, because in the end you won, too.
And someday when your children are old enough to
Understand the logic that motivates parents, you will tell them.

Was your Mum mean? I know mine was. We had the
Meanest mother in the whole world! While other kids
Ate candy for breakfast, we had to have cereal, eggs, and toast.
When others had a Pepsi and a Twisties for lunch, we had to eat sandwiches.
And you can guess our mother fixed us a dinner that was
Different from what other kids had, too.

Mother insisted on knowing where we were at all
Times. You'd think we were convicts in a prison. She
Had to know who our friends were, and what we were
Doing with them. She insisted that if we said we
Would be gone for an hour, we would be gone for an hour or less.

We were ashamed to admit it, but she had the nerve
To break the Child Labor Laws by making us work We
Had to wash the dishes, make the beds, learn to
Cook, vacuum the floor, do laundry, empty the trash
And all sorts of cruel jobs. I think she would lie
Awake at night thinking of more things for us to do.

She always insisted on us telling the truth, the
Whole truth, and nothing but the truth. By the time
We were teenagers, she could read our minds and had
Eyes in the back of her head. Then, life was really tough!

Mother wouldn't let our friends just honk the horn
When they drove up. They had to come up to the door
So she could meet them. While everyone else could
Date when they were 12 or 13, we had to wait until we were 16.

Because of our mother we missed out on lots of
Things other kids experienced. None of us have ever
Been caught shoplifting, vandalising other's
Property or ever arrested for any crime. It was all her fault.

Now that we have left home, we are all educated,
Honest adults. We are doing our best to be mean
Parents just like Mum was.

I think that is what's wrong with the world today.
It just doesn't have enough mean mums!

[~clover~]

I would get your DD to read that too. I'm going to copy & save it. I'll be needeng it one day for sure!

[fionas]

I think you absolutely did the right thing. I'd personally tell her that she needs to prove to you that when she says she won't drink, she won't and the only way she can prove that is if you pick her up. Then maybe when that trust is proven you'll allow her to stay over at another party when she's older. MAYBE.

I also think that sometimes teens need an 'out'. What I mean is that they can't say to their friends, 'nah, I want to go home at the end of the night' they have to do the 'ask'. Much easier to say to their friends 'no, I want to stay but mum won't let me,' and blame the parent. That's what we're here for LOL.

A whole bottle of champagne - OMG, that's RIDICULOUS that could be sanctioned at a supervised party.

I watched the show on binge drinking recently and what really stuck in my mind was that when the hospital staff would ring teenager's parents to come pick them up from the hospital, a lot of parents said they couldn't drive because they were over the limit themselves. So sad.

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

Well done Lulu!

ROFL about relying on your own parenting! I've been on my own since day 1! It just gets easier and easier because you aren't thinking about what someone else would do and you just get on with parenting your child the right way for the both of you.

I'd be disgusted at that level of drinking at a party. Maybe I'm naive, but I'd expect a teen alcohol party to be a bottle of low-alcohol wine per 3-4 girls and maybe a couple of bottles of low-alcohol beer per boy. That's what we had - although some still managed to get drunk, it was not sanctioned.

Fiona, just an aside: "I'm over the limit" for driving is, in the UK at least, usually "I've had a large glass of wine." I approve of this because people downplay alcohol dangers. Well done on those parents for being honest, when I was younger no-one would ever think like that. Of course, if they mean they're blotto then yes, stupid them.

[kirsty_lee]

Well, Im not trying to start an argument this is just an opinion (even though you know that anyway lulu cause i love you to pieces). I was a responsible teenager when it came to alcohol. My parents let me drink from a young age ( only like one vodka cruiser on a friday night if a friend was staying over) but they did know that I went to parties where there would be alcohol, sometimes parents present, other times not. I've said this before time and time again, imho and also from experience, it's always the kids who are forbidden from drinking which wipe themselves out at parties compared to the minority of us who were allowed to drink by the trust of our parents. When you are a teenager and your told no it makes you want to do it much more lol i think we can all relate to that at one point or another. Anyway I digress, if your daughter is like you lulu, I trust that she will do the right thing and not drink, and I think that because your trusting her to do this she will stick by her word so that she can go to parties in the future. But if you really are that concerned about the sleeping over part pick her up. But don't give it a time limit iykwim. Cause she might react to the whole 'curfew' idea as you not trusting her. Im sure it would be about 1-2am when the party dies down that she will want to be picked up. Just get her to call you when your ready, although no body wants to get out of bed at that time in the morning it's better that you have your piece of mind iykwim. Best of luck i know she will be fine after all she's YOUR daughter. xoxoxox

[Lulu]

Yeah, I do know what you are saying KL, its just my experience isn't the same. I am taking it on a case-by-case basis. I didn't let her go to the last one, especially after the ridiculous invitation.

My experience this time -

40 people invited, 10 turned up.
Next to a yobbo park, no security.
Boys sleeping over (no one bother trying to defend THAT, we all know what drunk, horny teenagers do without parentals around. No exceptions!).
The girl that got drunk on all the champagne was the cousin of the birthday girl. He mother was THERE. Supervised? Obviously not, DD also says the boys were all trying to take advantage of her - again her mother was THERE.

Every other kid there was drinking, every other kid was drunk, they were getting all feral and gross. All they all had their parents blessing.

I will let her go to parties where there is alcohol, I think she learnt alot from seeing her so called (boy)friends be typical (pig) drunk boys. The jury is still out about her drinking yet. I have thinking to do.....

Yanno, if Aunty Cailin or Aunty Rosehip took DD out to some dinner or movie or something and maybe let her have a glass or a little ****tail, I'd not be bothered. Its all relative.

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

Kirsty, both me and my sister were allowed alcohol pretty much from as soon as we could reach out and grab a glass. I choose not to abuse alcohol. She doesn't. Same as when we were teens. Sure, I'd get a bit drunk/merry but not falling over, can't talk, memory lapse drunk.

I know people who had no alcohol as children and are responsible drinkers, and always have been. Just as I know people who rebelled and got drunk at school.

I'd be the same, Lulu, and doing it case by case. At least your DD will have the advantage of remembering the night next time! I don't understand the mentality of parents who let their children get drunk and mixed sleepovers... I'm just confused at that!

[paradise lost]

Boys sleeping over (no one bother trying to defend THAT, we all know what drunk, horny teenagers do without parentals around. No exceptions!).

Not trying to defend it, but isn't sex at 16 legal, healthy and normal? I wouldn't have gotten drunk at 16 but i had a LOT of sex.

Bx

[Janie]

I can't agree that it's healthy and normal for all 16 year olds. It might be okay for some, but for others, not a good idea. Depends on the kid, depends on the circumstances.

[Rouge]

Hmmm I do agree bec, but if I can avoid it like hell I will! LOL! I know thats total hypocrisy but Paris will never have to live the teen years I did. And I'd rather Paris had consensual relations with a person in a right environment not at some party with a drunken idiot LOL!

Luce ikwym about it all being relative. I feel the same way. Being in an environment that is setup to get smashed is totally different to a casual drink with responsible adults.

[paradise lost]

I agree that drunken at a party isn't good, but if you can go to the party and not drink can you go to the party and not have sex? Or is it a rape worry? That's what i'd be more concerned about, that she would be raped by a drunk guy, but then if she were sober i'd be less worried. I suppose the best answer (and the one you found) was for her to NOT be in the situation. I'm pretty shocked that a parent let that sort of thing go on in her home - my parents let me drink at a barbeque (which was spread across all the gardens of us and our 8 neighbours) but they mixed my drinks for me and kept a close watch on how i was, and would NEVER have supplied alcohol to another persons' child.

My (completely theoretical because DD is 2!) plan is to meet my kids partners, talk to them all about sex and, when they feel they're ready, let them have sex in the house. I never want my daughters to go through what i did - not allowed to be alone with my boyfriend in my own house i went to his and was brutally raped in a place where i knew no-one and didn't even know where the phone was. Having sex safely will be my priority, over not having sex, if that makes sense.

Sorry Lulu, i've gotten o/t!

Bx

[[M]umma[M]ia]

Not trying to defend it, but isn't sex at 16 legal, healthy and normal? I wouldn't have gotten drunk at 16 but i had a LOT of sex.

Bx

yes in the eyes of the law it is illegal. The person that u are having sex with is to be no more than 2 years difference and meant to have parents consent. If the person is over 18 they are still classed as having sex with a minor. Its a touchy subject. I was told this by heaps of cops and to me it makes alot of sense. But really no one can get in trouble unless the parents want to have the other person charged.
this is all well and good but i was also told that its now 17 y/o where there law considers u as an adult. Weird huh...
That being said.. i was having alot of sex at 16 too..

[Lulu]

Oh man Hoobley - did you hear my thoughts?? I was turning this over and over in my mind last night.
It's not gone off topic at all, its evolved and is actually quite relevant.

To clarify - I was a very Wild Child, so DEF I am going of my own drunken experiences as a teen.
It is the assault side of things that worry me. If she has her guard down through drink and there is no DECENT adult supervision, she could be in danger. She hasn't learnt to look for those signs yet (imho),although this weekends experience has been good.
She tells Dp more than me ( i obviously am given the 'vanilla' version)....anyhoo it turns out the very drunk girl was constantly being hit on and groped by the boys there. Now I've met many of her friends, so I know these boys. Lesson: yes they may be polite to my face but I dont know what they get up to usually.

In any case - the sex *sigh*.
So her boyfriend N has been around for awhile now. Anyone remember my thread months ago? Well its the same one and....well...he makes DD smile, he does care about her, so if he gonna be the one (I gotta face it, she's 16), I'd rather it not be some half-arsed fumble under a grotty doona on the floor.
I have spoken to her about sex etc, I've also explained the need for trust and respect to be part of the process. She has watched her friends 'hook up' pretty randomly and she isnt too impressed.

SO, I have decided to turn my back office into den for Belle and her friends. It can be hard for them to hang out here because the little ones think its Xmas and jump all over them. The telly and the stereo out there, and beanbags and stuff. I am still hammering out the 'rules' (help me on this one girls), but I would like this to be an ok place to hang out for them. There will be no drinking/smoking allowed, its not gonna be a party place, and it will be a privilege she can work for....

My head hurts....