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Thread: Should I let her stay over???

  1. #1

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    Default Should I let her stay over???

    AAARGGGHH and GGGRRRAHHHHHH!

    DD has been invited to a party tonight. It's her gf's 16th birthday and it's from 6.30pm till 12 tonight.

    AND THERE IS GOING TO BE ALCOHOL THERE . So again, I cannot believe that parents would allow that at 16. Now I fine with DD going, she says she won't drink and she doesn't want her bf to either (she says she's not going to let him...cute).



    The party is not far, but I asked if another parent may be able to give her a lift home. She asked if it was ok to stay over. I didn't know there was drinking at that stage, and I happy to pick her up now I know there is. But she asked to stay.

    So I do trust that she wont drink, but I'm not sure about her staying over. I mean what sort of parent lets that happen?? I do not agree on underage drinking I NEVER WILL, and I have no intention of changing my mind. I ESPECIALLY hate the argument that "at least they are doing it at home", its even worse when parents cannot show kids the possibility of having fun without drinking or promote the fact its practically necessary.

    The mother will be there and I have her phone number, I should call but I sort of don't know how to do it without interrogating her. And I have a hangover so I almost can't be bothered.......yes I see the irony

    whaddaya think?

  2. #2

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    well i was only 16 four years ago so being that age is very fresh in my mind. Does ur DD have a mobile in which u can contact her during the night??? My mum used to do this. She would ring me anout 10pm to see how i was going and to see if i wanted to come home.. then she would ring again at midnight. I didnt mind this even tho in the back of my mind she was just checking up on me but i thought it was cool that she cared so much but she was still letting me do what i wanted to do.
    All i can say hun is.. if u feel really uncomfortable about letting her stay the night then dont!! mother intuition is what u should trust. This wont mean ur not trusting her u just dont trust the situation.. eg alcohol etc.
    Honestly if it was my daughter (which i know its not it just my opinion) i would go and pick her up about 12am-1am ish... only for my own peice of mind. Trust me 16 year olds can get abit crazy!!

    Hope this helps. xoxo

  3. #3

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    Oh im so glad my children are not at this age!! I think you should go with your gut instinct and do what you think is right. You are the only one who knows what the trust is between you and your DD.
    I did have to laugh at the last sentence about being hung ova!!.
    But if it is your family rule that they dont drink while under age then stick with it.
    Good luck with what ever you decide.

  4. #4

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    oh dear (blushes) if only you knew what i got up to when i was 16!

    lulu, if you trust your DD and the mum is there i dont see any problem - will probably feel good for your DD to know that you trust her too - which will make her much less likely to break your trust IYKWIM.

    Let her go

  5. #5

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    at your ironic twist Lulu!

    Maybe I'm just really harsh, but I would be inclined to go and get her. At that age I would have sworn black and blue to my mum that I wouldn't drink etc etc, but then would ahve gone off and done it anyway. I didn't binge drink regularly at all, but if it was an opportunity like a gf's birthday, and I thought I could stay the night (hence not get caught!) then I would have gone for it! My mum was reasonably strict, and did not condone teenage drinking. If I had to go home, I wouldn't drink, simple as that. There was no way I wanted to be busted!

    Obviously I'm not your daughter, and I don't know her, but if you feel at all worried about the situation, I would go and pick her up. Maybe give her an extra late curfew to make up for it?

    I bet it's times like these you wish someone else could make the decision for you! I don't look forward to the teenage years. Good luck hun

  6. #6

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    Yeah, I think I will pick her up. I didn't let her go to a party at the beginning of the year as there was alcohol there.

    For me it more the "well if drinking is ok with them, what else is?" KWIM? I'm sure they will get up to all the usual 16 yo shenanigans (part of growing up), but its the fact that I consider the situation irresponsible and therefore the parent is too.

    I'm going to spend sometime tomorrow cleaning out the office. Its detached from the house out the back and has a fridge and toilet etc. I will set it up as a bit of a hang out for Belle and her friends. Its hard for her as the little kids jump all over her friends constantly, and I rather them be here, UNdrunk.

  7. #7

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    Good for you Lulu.

    TBH, I'd be doing the same and for these reasons:

    Underage alcohol I don't mind, drunkenness at any age I do. I don't believe the alcohol will be properly supervised at this party so that's strike one.

    Will the boys be sleeping over too? Mixed sleepovers in the teens... yes, I was doing that but TBH I wouldn't let my children unless I knew ALL the kids there. And there were seperate girls and boys rooms. And the parents were nearby. And everyone was sober or at the very least not drunk. In fact, I just wouldn't allow it. I know I did it but now I'm a parent it's different!

    The third point is that you don't know the family. If my children were to sleep out I'd make sure I knew the family so I knew there stance on things like mixed sleepovers and alcohol. If I disagreed then no sleeping over. If I didn't know the family or wasn't comfortable asking about what's going on then no sleeping over.

    You're right, the parents don't sound that responsible and I'd be worried too. I would never throw a teenage bash with alcohol (a quite meal with wine is one thing, a party with booze is another because even a responsible parent should know you CANNOT supervise this all the time... even as teenagers you can't supervise your friends properly, I know from experience in holding my mate's hair back from the loo at her party!), nor allow loads of unknown kids to sleep over. I'd rather my children and their friends be at my house with supervision and undrunk than me worry too.

  8. #8
    brightstar79 Guest

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    I would pick her up, knowing that boys are going. I remember as a teenager what some parties were like and I am glad my parents picked me up in the end! I am sure you will make the right decision.

  9. #9

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    I'd sit her down & talk to her.
    Maybe give her til 1 or 2 am & let her know you'd like to pick her up. Tell her it's not her you don't trust, it's the fact that people of ALL ages get silly when they drink, & you don't want to risk something happening to her, or her bf.
    If she stays sober, she'll hopefully be tired by then anyway.
    I personally am OK with maybe a drink on a special occasion under age, but not 'drinking'.
    Just explainhow you feel. Let her know that 'yes it is more than likely everything will be fine, but there is still a chance a fight may break out or something & she may get hurt. You just don't want her to get hurt.
    People turn on others for no reason when drinking.

  10. #10

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    I too would be inclined to pick her up, but like others have already said maybe a bit later. At least your DD told you that alcohol was going to be there, I think that certainly shows signs of maturity.

  11. #11

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    When I dropped her off I was glad I decided to pick her up. The house is right next door to a big park where the yobbos will occasionally go....

    In any case she called me to say she wants to stay, apparently everyone is only watching movies and falling asleep right now. But Im standing firm. Maybe boys are not staying over as she txted back asking if her bff can stay here too. Since he is a boy, I am happy to drive him home he he he. We already had a very short conversation about bf's staying over, and even if Liam is not her bf, he is a boy and I'll never hear the end of it...

    I went in the chat with the mum, and told her DD was not to be drinking and she was fine with that but I still question the reasoning behind booze at a 16th party.

    I need evidence of a bit more maturity from here at home before I can give her that kind of trust. She has been a bit childish (well of course!) about not getting her own way recently, so we can work from there for the future.

    Im finding it hard to parent her now as I've lost my yardstick. At her age Cyclone Lulu had already left home to live with her BF and his family so I didn't get parented from 16 or so. I didn't realise how much I relied on my parenting of me.....

    *sigh*

  12. #12

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    You're doing a great job Lulu Sometimes it's good to break out of the mould, however difficult that may be, IYKWIM? Creating your own type of parenting might be a really good thing. And just think, by the time DD2 gets there, you'll be an old hand LOL! Good on you

  13. #13

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    I'm pretty disappointed actually. There were boys staying over, there were 14yos drinking (and I know the parents of this kid too and I wouldnt have thought they had that stance) with their parents permission.
    One girl drank an entire bottle of champagne etc etc etc etc.

    So alot less supervision than I would expect, but like I was hoping DD got some experience of seeing how foolish and unattractive it looks.
    I still have battles ahead, but I didn't think I would be the LONE parent refusing to allow this "because everyone else does" .

    At least DD tells me everything that goes on.....

  14. #14

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    You did the right thing. Things are just so much more different now to what they were when we were doing this. She will thank you for all this one day - maybe not in the next 2 or 3 years but certainly one day she will.

  15. #15

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    Well done Lulu

    It is hard to stand alone, but without people who had the courage to do so, imagine what the world would be like.

    I think she's got a top mum.

  16. #16

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    You did good luce. And she is a very mature girl. You give her the right amount of trust and I think thats perfect. I would be pretty disgusted at the mother to allow such goings on. The poor kids of us hooligans they will be lucky to get away with anything I even have chats now with Paris at 6 about how appropriate certain behaviour it is and how dangerous other behaviour is. She'll tell anyone who asks how dangerous it is for teenagers to drink LOL lets hope it stays in her brain whilst she's got hormones and peer pressure to deal with And I can only hope that Paris and I will have the lines of communication as open as yours and your DD. You did good mumma real good!

  17. #17

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    Just wanted to say well done Lulu you did the right thing. I know i am going to go throught this in just a few years and i hope i can deal with things as you have. I posted this is another thread but thought it might be appropriate to copy it to here also. Well done again. Maybe you should print this off and give it to the mum that held the party.

    Mean Mums

    Someday when my children are old enough to
    Understand the logic that motivates a parent, I will
    Tell them, as my Mean Mum told me: I loved you
    Enough . . To ask where you were going, with whom,
    And what time you would be home.

    I loved you enough to be silent and let you
    Discover that your new best friend was a creep.

    I loved you enough to stand over you for two hours
    While you cleaned your room, a job that should have taken 15 minutes.
    I loved you enough to let you see anger,
    Disappointment, and tears in my eyes. Children must
    Learn that their parents aren't perfect.

    I loved you enough to let you assume the
    Responsibility for your actions even when the
    Penalties were so harsh they almost broke my heart.

    But most of all, I loved you enough . . . To say
    NO when I knew you would hate me for it.

    Those were the most difficult battles of all. I'm
    Glad I won them, because in the end you won, too.
    And someday when your children are old enough to
    Understand the logic that motivates parents, you will tell them.

    Was your Mum mean? I know mine was. We had the
    Meanest mother in the whole world! While other kids
    Ate candy for breakfast, we had to have cereal, eggs, and toast.
    When others had a Pepsi and a Twisties for lunch, we had to eat sandwiches.
    And you can guess our mother fixed us a dinner that was
    Different from what other kids had, too.

    Mother insisted on knowing where we were at all
    Times. You'd think we were convicts in a prison. She
    Had to know who our friends were, and what we were
    Doing with them. She insisted that if we said we
    Would be gone for an hour, we would be gone for an hour or less.

    We were ashamed to admit it, but she had the nerve
    To break the Child Labor Laws by making us work We
    Had to wash the dishes, make the beds, learn to
    Cook, vacuum the floor, do laundry, empty the trash
    And all sorts of cruel jobs. I think she would lie
    Awake at night thinking of more things for us to do.

    She always insisted on us telling the truth, the
    Whole truth, and nothing but the truth. By the time
    We were teenagers, she could read our minds and had
    Eyes in the back of her head. Then, life was really tough!

    Mother wouldn't let our friends just honk the horn
    When they drove up. They had to come up to the door
    So she could meet them. While everyone else could
    Date when they were 12 or 13, we had to wait until we were 16.

    Because of our mother we missed out on lots of
    Things other kids experienced. None of us have ever
    Been caught shoplifting, vandalising other's
    Property or ever arrested for any crime. It was all her fault.

    Now that we have left home, we are all educated,
    Honest adults. We are doing our best to be mean
    Parents just like Mum was.

    I think that is what's wrong with the world today.
    It just doesn't have enough mean mums!

  18. #18

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    I would get your DD to read that too. I'm going to copy & save it. I'll be needeng it one day for sure!

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