Should I let her stay over???

[fionas]

I think you absolutely did the right thing. I'd personally tell her that she needs to prove to you that when she says she won't drink, she won't and the only way she can prove that is if you pick her up. Then maybe when that trust is proven you'll allow her to stay over at another party when she's older. MAYBE.

I also think that sometimes teens need an 'out'. What I mean is that they can't say to their friends, 'nah, I want to go home at the end of the night' they have to do the 'ask'. Much easier to say to their friends 'no, I want to stay but mum won't let me,' and blame the parent. That's what we're here for LOL.

A whole bottle of champagne - OMG, that's RIDICULOUS that could be sanctioned at a supervised party.

I watched the show on binge drinking recently and what really stuck in my mind was that when the hospital staff would ring teenager's parents to come pick them up from the hospital, a lot of parents said they couldn't drive because they were over the limit themselves. So sad.

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

Well done Lulu!

ROFL about relying on your own parenting! I've been on my own since day 1! It just gets easier and easier because you aren't thinking about what someone else would do and you just get on with parenting your child the right way for the both of you.

I'd be disgusted at that level of drinking at a party. Maybe I'm naive, but I'd expect a teen alcohol party to be a bottle of low-alcohol wine per 3-4 girls and maybe a couple of bottles of low-alcohol beer per boy. That's what we had - although some still managed to get drunk, it was not sanctioned.

Fiona, just an aside: "I'm over the limit" for driving is, in the UK at least, usually "I've had a large glass of wine." I approve of this because people downplay alcohol dangers. Well done on those parents for being honest, when I was younger no-one would ever think like that. Of course, if they mean they're blotto then yes, stupid them.

[kirsty_lee]

Well, Im not trying to start an argument this is just an opinion (even though you know that anyway lulu cause i love you to pieces). I was a responsible teenager when it came to alcohol. My parents let me drink from a young age ( only like one vodka cruiser on a friday night if a friend was staying over) but they did know that I went to parties where there would be alcohol, sometimes parents present, other times not. I've said this before time and time again, imho and also from experience, it's always the kids who are forbidden from drinking which wipe themselves out at parties compared to the minority of us who were allowed to drink by the trust of our parents. When you are a teenager and your told no it makes you want to do it much more lol i think we can all relate to that at one point or another. Anyway I digress, if your daughter is like you lulu, I trust that she will do the right thing and not drink, and I think that because your trusting her to do this she will stick by her word so that she can go to parties in the future. But if you really are that concerned about the sleeping over part pick her up. But don't give it a time limit iykwim. Cause she might react to the whole 'curfew' idea as you not trusting her. Im sure it would be about 1-2am when the party dies down that she will want to be picked up. Just get her to call you when your ready, although no body wants to get out of bed at that time in the morning it's better that you have your piece of mind iykwim. Best of luck i know she will be fine after all she's YOUR daughter. xoxoxox

[Lulu]

Yeah, I do know what you are saying KL, its just my experience isn't the same. I am taking it on a case-by-case basis. I didn't let her go to the last one, especially after the ridiculous invitation.

My experience this time -

40 people invited, 10 turned up.
Next to a yobbo park, no security.
Boys sleeping over (no one bother trying to defend THAT, we all know what drunk, horny teenagers do without parentals around. No exceptions!).
The girl that got drunk on all the champagne was the cousin of the birthday girl. He mother was THERE. Supervised? Obviously not, DD also says the boys were all trying to take advantage of her - again her mother was THERE.

Every other kid there was drinking, every other kid was drunk, they were getting all feral and gross. All they all had their parents blessing.

I will let her go to parties where there is alcohol, I think she learnt alot from seeing her so called (boy)friends be typical (pig) drunk boys. The jury is still out about her drinking yet. I have thinking to do.....

Yanno, if Aunty Cailin or Aunty Rosehip took DD out to some dinner or movie or something and maybe let her have a glass or a little ****tail, I'd not be bothered. Its all relative.

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

Kirsty, both me and my sister were allowed alcohol pretty much from as soon as we could reach out and grab a glass. I choose not to abuse alcohol. She doesn't. Same as when we were teens. Sure, I'd get a bit drunk/merry but not falling over, can't talk, memory lapse drunk.

I know people who had no alcohol as children and are responsible drinkers, and always have been. Just as I know people who rebelled and got drunk at school.

I'd be the same, Lulu, and doing it case by case. At least your DD will have the advantage of remembering the night next time! I don't understand the mentality of parents who let their children get drunk and mixed sleepovers... I'm just confused at that!

[paradise lost]

Boys sleeping over (no one bother trying to defend THAT, we all know what drunk, horny teenagers do without parentals around. No exceptions!).

Not trying to defend it, but isn't sex at 16 legal, healthy and normal? I wouldn't have gotten drunk at 16 but i had a LOT of sex.

Bx

[Janie]

I can't agree that it's healthy and normal for all 16 year olds. It might be okay for some, but for others, not a good idea. Depends on the kid, depends on the circumstances.

[Rouge]

Hmmm I do agree bec, but if I can avoid it like hell I will! LOL! I know thats total hypocrisy but Paris will never have to live the teen years I did. And I'd rather Paris had consensual relations with a person in a right environment not at some party with a drunken idiot LOL!

Luce ikwym about it all being relative. I feel the same way. Being in an environment that is setup to get smashed is totally different to a casual drink with responsible adults.

[paradise lost]

I agree that drunken at a party isn't good, but if you can go to the party and not drink can you go to the party and not have sex? Or is it a rape worry? That's what i'd be more concerned about, that she would be raped by a drunk guy, but then if she were sober i'd be less worried. I suppose the best answer (and the one you found) was for her to NOT be in the situation. I'm pretty shocked that a parent let that sort of thing go on in her home - my parents let me drink at a barbeque (which was spread across all the gardens of us and our 8 neighbours) but they mixed my drinks for me and kept a close watch on how i was, and would NEVER have supplied alcohol to another persons' child.

My (completely theoretical because DD is 2!) plan is to meet my kids partners, talk to them all about sex and, when they feel they're ready, let them have sex in the house. I never want my daughters to go through what i did - not allowed to be alone with my boyfriend in my own house i went to his and was brutally raped in a place where i knew no-one and didn't even know where the phone was. Having sex safely will be my priority, over not having sex, if that makes sense.

Sorry Lulu, i've gotten o/t!

Bx

[Rouge]

Yeah I agree totally and thats my plan too

[~clover~]

When I was just 16 I met my DH. We knew each other for 6 months before we got together & were together for another 3 months before we slept together. We actually stayed over at each other's houses two or three times before we slept together.
So I was nearly 17 before I lost my virginity - even though my mum suggested I get a pap smear when I was 13. WTF?? She obviously thought alot of me. Considering I never went anywhere after dark, & very rarely went anywhere alone any other time coz I was too shy.
When I was 14 I had my first experience with alcohol. I was staying away from home with a friend who'd moved away & her parents. On NYE we were allowed a few drinks. I think I might've had 3. The adults gave us tall glasses & we weren't smart enough to realise that it was so there was only a minimal abount of alcohol in the drink. Too much for the alcohol to have much affect.
We tried to push it - my friend sent me for the drinks after we were told to stop thinking they wouldn't say anything to me (they did!)
My next time after that mum got me a small bottle of Jim Beam to share between 4 friends. It worked out there was not enough once shared out to get us drunk. Just a bit happy. This was my 16th & the night I met DH.
Then at my deb a few months later I was allowed a couple of Bacardi Breezers. Maybe 2. & maybe 2 or 3 more drinks at the after party which was at my parents house & about 6 hours after my drinks at the deb.
The first time I actually got drunk I was 17 & it was with DH at the local pub. I was very drunk, but still wasn't to the point of memory loss, or falling over.
I did this maybe twice when I decided I didn't like the feeling. I drink to get happy & have fun. Not lose control. I hate the feeling of being out of control. Even on a big night out, as soon as I start to get that feeling I slow right down, or even stop drinking.
I do love to get out, drink & be idiots & have a good time - hasn't happened for well over a year! But I prefer to watch others make fools of them selves.

OK. Now that I've gone on & on. I made the decisions I made with NO trust from my parents
& not the best relationship with either of them.
I couldn't talk to my mum about anything. I didn't even tell them about my first 2 boyf's coz I wasn't comfortable enough.
My plan is just to make sure my kids can talk to me about anything. Drinking, boys, sex, smoking. Any & all of it. Thats all I want.
I will try to drill it into them not to have sex til THEY are ready, but I don't expect them to be saints. Most of my friends were around 12 when they lost their virginity. I just hope to get them past 16.
I still do think that 16 year olds are WAY too young for a sexual relationship, but I'm going to have to just accept that thats life & get on with it.
As I said, the most important thing to me is my relationship with them. & the knowledge that they can say no. They don't need to do what their peers do to be accepted. I didn't.

Sorry that was so long.

[kirsty_lee]

Yeah, i've been to ALOT of parties, but never have been mixed sleep overs or sleep overs at all for that matter it was pretty much make your way home when you were told iywkim. I definately know what drunk teenagers are like LOL espeically boys.. little turds. And I get what you mean too Rosehip.. i'm just talking about from my generation and the observations i made ...

[[M]umma[M]ia]

Not trying to defend it, but isn't sex at 16 legal, healthy and normal? I wouldn't have gotten drunk at 16 but i had a LOT of sex.

Bx

yes in the eyes of the law it is illegal. The person that u are having sex with is to be no more than 2 years difference and meant to have parents consent. If the person is over 18 they are still classed as having sex with a minor. Its a touchy subject. I was told this by heaps of cops and to me it makes alot of sense. But really no one can get in trouble unless the parents want to have the other person charged.
this is all well and good but i was also told that its now 17 y/o where there law considers u as an adult. Weird huh...
That being said.. i was having alot of sex at 16 too..

[Lulu]

Oh man Hoobley - did you hear my thoughts?? I was turning this over and over in my mind last night.
It's not gone off topic at all, its evolved and is actually quite relevant.

To clarify - I was a very Wild Child, so DEF I am going of my own drunken experiences as a teen.
It is the assault side of things that worry me. If she has her guard down through drink and there is no DECENT adult supervision, she could be in danger. She hasn't learnt to look for those signs yet (imho),although this weekends experience has been good.
She tells Dp more than me ( i obviously am given the 'vanilla' version)....anyhoo it turns out the very drunk girl was constantly being hit on and groped by the boys there. Now I've met many of her friends, so I know these boys. Lesson: yes they may be polite to my face but I dont know what they get up to usually.

In any case - the sex *sigh*.
So her boyfriend N has been around for awhile now. Anyone remember my thread months ago? Well its the same one and....well...he makes DD smile, he does care about her, so if he gonna be the one (I gotta face it, she's 16), I'd rather it not be some half-arsed fumble under a grotty doona on the floor.
I have spoken to her about sex etc, I've also explained the need for trust and respect to be part of the process. She has watched her friends 'hook up' pretty randomly and she isnt too impressed.

SO, I have decided to turn my back office into den for Belle and her friends. It can be hard for them to hang out here because the little ones think its Xmas and jump all over them. The telly and the stereo out there, and beanbags and stuff. I am still hammering out the 'rules' (help me on this one girls), but I would like this to be an ok place to hang out for them. There will be no drinking/smoking allowed, its not gonna be a party place, and it will be a privilege she can work for....

My head hurts....

[Phteven]

I think it's a fair rule that she has to keep it reasonably clean herself.

[AngelPunks]

can I have u as a mum

one thing that my mum used to do with me was not give me a curfue but to let me ring her from a party when i was ready to leave, she used to sleep on the lounge waiting for my call. All my friends thought it rocked, that I could go home at whatever time I wanted, a lot of the time watching my friends write themselves off used to bore me and I'd ring mum to pick me up about the same time as those friends with curfues.

I was allowed to drink at home - but a lot of that was my upbringing - Dad was Polish so I had a European upbringing with alcohol being a normal part of life.

[kirsty_lee]

hahah punkin i was thinking the same thing

can I have u as a mum

[Astrid]

Great idea Lulu. Definately lay down some rules. I remember as a teenager most of our parents in my circle of friends were quite trusting of us. Simply we followed the rules of the house, cleaned up after ourselves and tended to be with the same friends for parties. Having a party or going to one was never a problem.