Another Single mum to be

[samm]

Hi!

i came across this site whilst trying to work out whether to be a mum or not. I'm a single, financially independant and 36yrs old,& at 7 weeks pregnant i told my 'friend' that he was going to be a father again (he already has another 5yr old child with a sep ex)and i told my family that i was expecting. Two very separate reactions - 'friend' a little shocked (to be expected) & at first comment not wanting to be a dad again, and my family who were shocked but happy that they were potentially getting another grandchild. On one hand i'd love to be a mum but on the other hand i'm terrified. I'd love to hear any advice as i know my journey whatever i decide will be hard.

[jmmum]

Samm,
I'm a single mum. I so wanted to be a mum that I was willing to go it alone. I have little support. My mother is in the country and while she loves the idea of being a grandma it is not something that she manages with. I have my brother close by and he is great. I won't kid you it is hard and very tiresome at times. But it is worth every single moment of it.
The one comment I make when people ask me is that i just wish I had done it earlier. I absolutely love being a mum. My DD is just awesome and awe inspiring!!!!!

[jmmum]

Hey Samm How you doing?

[samm]

Hi jmmum,
Thanks for checking!
i'm going ok - i'm afraid work is a big distractiion until the morning sickness kicks in during the afternoon. i had parents call me today & check up me which is nice. i was reading last night about the 'other' option which made me a bit sick so i guess i've made up my mind to progress - so now just have to tell the dad who lives overseas. i do have a question for you( a little bit in advance i know) but the whole birth cerificate thing - what happens if the dad is not around?

I hope you had a great day.

[~clover~]

Hi.
As far as I know you can name the father with out his signiture. If you want him to be on there.

I know that if they are on there you can't take the child out of the country with out his permission. I'm not too sure about that if he is in a different country. It's probably something that doesn't matter at all, but I have a friend who just had a little boy & is single & who decided to leave the name off.

Her son will still know his father, but she discussed it with his family & they all agreed with her. She has a 7 year old DD as well.

It's totally up to you what you do.

[samm]

Thnx!

i know its exremmely early days to worry about that stuff but i'm trying to do as much homework as possible and be relatively informed. As much as i feel quite calm about it all, its a bit scary knowing you're going to look afer something other than a cat!

[Beatrix]

hi

I am a single mum of 3.

With regards to the birth cert, if you are living within Australia it is highly recomended you have the fathers name on it.
One because of the laws regarding child support. If he is not known or on the cert then you will lose money from you payments.
and he will be required to pay child support as well


Good luck with your decision , just so you know even though i have 3 kids on my own i wouldnt change it for the world!!

[~clover~]

Yeah, I was going to mention that. It can affect your FTB Part A I think. My friend rang & spoke to them about that & she has to see a councellor to discuss it. Once she's done that I'm pretty sure her payments will be OK. She's just planning on telling them she only met him once & only knew his first name.
I know it's not 'right' to do that, but he's in rehab & would only have to pay $20 a month when he gets out anyway. & she's had way too much trouble with her DD's father & child support to bother.

[samm]

more stuff to consider - thank you both!!

Actually i dont plan for him to pay for child support, not something i want to tie him down on.looks like a visit to the ATO site.

i do have this lovely feeling that i wont regret going through with this - i have plenty of support and this site and your feedback is very reassuring!

[~clover~]

You've got no idea just how addicted to this site you will get!!
I think between everyone on here they've been through everything. There aren't many topics that don't get great advice. The guys on here are full of it - advice that is.
You'll get heaps of support here.
Enjoy! Have a H&H pregnancy!

[jmmum]

Samm,

The only name on my DD's birth certificate is mine and of cousre DD's. I had to see a socail worker at Centrelink but this just so if i needed assistance re child support they offered it. It took about 30 seconds for me to explain my situation and that was it. I get no reduction in payment as result of having only my name on birth cert. They were actually very nice at centrelink.

[samm]

Thanks Jmmum,- very sound advice.

Today i am confused and a little bit down. Just as i had made up my mind about having this little baby, my 'friend' called me. He confirmed again he didnt want to be a father and that he had other concerns. You see he is so calm when speaking to me about it, it un-nerves me a little. We have been friends for so long & whilst i'm feeling a little confused about it now, how do you tell someone to go away and leave me to cope with this along whatever the outcome without their involvement? i know it sounds quite harsh but i would just like to come to peace with this little 'accident'. Any thoughts?

[Diamond75]

Hi Samm,

I just want to give you a hug of strength . You can do it and times will be hard but you have us here for support and encouragement. I'm not sure of your whereabouts but perhaps looking up Parents without Partners (now or a bit closer to birth) and they may be able to give some advice or let you know where there nearest meeting place is.

In relation to your "friend" I suggest you could advise him of your intentions and that since he does not want to be involve to please leave you alone. Somewhere down the track he may change his mind but at the moment you only need to surround yourself with positive people (like us at BB!!)

You can do it.

[paradise lost]

HI,

I'm a single mum of one, though DD has regular contact with her daddy so not quite your situation.

I would say:
"you've told me how you feel, and while i respect that i cannot consider a termination. I'm going to go ahead with the pregnancy. We're not going to agree, and i can't cope with negativity just now. Please just leave me alone to process the situation. If you have questions you could email me." and leave it at that. You don't have to read the emails if he's being unkind in them, but you will have written down his thoughts on it all.

What are his "other concerns"? It could just be that he REALLY doesn't want to go through what he did with his DD again.

Bx

[Neenee Jellybeanie]

Hoobley, your sig says you have a 36 y.o DP?

I'm a single parent at the moment as well, though I do get a lot of help from my parents (though that wasn't alway there to this extent). It's really difficult being a single parent, but it gets easier (at least that's what i'm finding, my daughter is only 10 1/2 months). I think your friend is being very insensitive right now, while it's his baby as well, you're the one who will be carrying it for 9 months, giving birth to it and raising it. It wouldn't surprise me if his main concern is not wanting to pay child support, but i'm cynical about all men anyway TBH. Either way, is he calling you on your mobile or do you have caller ID on your landline? Maybe you could just screen his calls, or just give him the response hoobley posted. Either way, good luck!

[paradise lost]

Hoobley, your sig says you have a 36 y.o DP?

It's a LIE! He's 37...

We don't live together. So although i'm not "single" i'm still parenting singly as he works long hours and is only physically here once a week (actually we have just, in the last 2 weeks, begun seeing each other overnight once midweek when DD is here). I have known him since 2001 and we've been together since August 2006 but for the first year he never (literally twice in that time) saw DD, and then i gradually began letting them spend time together. I wanted to be EXTREMELY sure of him before i let him get involved in her life. So for the first year i saw him from 9pm-1pm overnight once a week. Then once DD got bigger she stayed at her dad's longer and i saw him 9pm-6pm. Then i began letting him see her him so he was here more like 9pm-9pm. It's been very slow and steady and frustrating at times but we felt it was the best approach given our lifestyles etc.

This winter we're buying a house together and then i will no longer be a single parent but a blended family...

Sorry for hi-jacking Samm!

Bx

[~clover~]

Ultimately, in the end it is your body, your life & your choice. Yes its his baby too, but how many children are out there that have nothing at all to do with their fathers? My DH didn't meet his father til he was 19. & hasn't seen him since. He would kinda like to get in touch with him, but we don't particularly like him as a person, so we haven't tried too hard.
Besides, DH's mu has been in the same house, with the same phone number for 16 years. He has that number & has not once tried to get in contact with us.
MIL was only 16 with no family or financial support, never claimed child support & raised him & his brother - different father for the first 7 & 9 years alone. She had a partner who fathered the next 2 children (she lost one to SIDS) for about 2 years but he wasn't much of a father.

I know a few people who never knew their fathers, or didn't have much to do with them. Either coz it was the best choice for the child, or just coz he's he's a dead beat dad who couldn't be bothered.

You have to make this choice for you. Sounds like you have family support. Thats a big help.

[samm]

thank you everyone for your support!

Yes i do have family support & a wider friend network so whilst i know it will be hard work i have the right people around

Hoobley - i think your comment about not wanting to go through what he went through with his DS is correct. He is being nice and calm in our conversations and is not horrible at all as this is due to how long we've known each other. With this ex i saw what it did to him & i supported him through that but i think now instead of me always being worried about his siutation i know need to decide mine.

Thanks for all of the great advice - its nice having people who are positive.