Oh cate! Deep breaths hunny, calm thoughts.

My DD has been living between me and XP since she was 4 months old. He too will not stick to routines or discipline her (i don't mean smack or anything, i mean prevent her from ripping books up!) or do anything which isn't what she wants. I too get a child back every monday which doesn't want to nap or behave herself and throws a huge fit when she hears the word no. BUT, it DOES get easier! When she was El's age it probably took until Thursday for her to be back in her routines (which was incredibly frustrating as she'd go off to her dad again on Friday night) but now it's more like Monday afternoon! SOmetimes she's fine as she's beggining to get now that muma and dada have different rules.

Please don't feel i'm attacking when i say this, because it's not a revalation that came easy to me either, but he's not WRONG about parenting. He has a different style to you, and that's annoying because it means your style is more difficult to implement but the same is true for him - he wants her to nap when she's tired but because you have a sleep routine she gets cranky when he doesn't stick to it. Would you drop your style and do it his way? NO, because you do it how you find it easier and better. But so does he.

Over time my XP has realised that some of my overbearing strictnesses, like changing her nappy as soon as she poops even if she's busy playing, or putting her to bed every night at the same time, or giving her breakfast as soon as i get her up and not 2 hours later when i have my own, actually works better and makes more sense. And slowly slowly he has come more over to my way of doing it, but he still has his own quirks. He still never ever disciplines her directly, he might swap what she is wrecking for something else but he never tells her not to do it. The other week DP asked her not to drag her baby bath out of the bathroom (i'd asked him to stop her) and she came running through to tell tales because a man has NEVER said "no" to her before! Obviously i told her sorry, but mumma agrees with DP, no playing with the bath!

I really sympathise as i've been there but finding a way through is the only realistic option unless he behaves in a way that is dangerous to El. My XP never made food for DD until she was fully eating normal adult foods (not even mashed up - he just bought jars), he simultaneously verbally beat me up over weaning off the breast and wasted EBM by forgetting to chill it because formula was easier for him to use.

I have had big struggles about it, but THIS is DD's family. There are lots of times when i wish i could just say "forget it, you can't have her, you muck everything up" but i can't. The differences between us which we couldn't work out to stay together we HAVE to work out to parent DD. She is ours. They always say you can't choose your family - XP is family now, a blood relative of yours through your beautiful DD and you are stuck with one another, you CAN make the best of it, i promise.

I educate XP as i go - every single time she comes back with nappy rash i SMS him and say "did she poop? Did you clean her really well? SHe has nappyrash..." and the next time he pays more attention. I told him again and again to give her her own room to sleep in at his and he refused again and again until eventually he tried it one night and discovered that it ISN'T normal for her to get up and want to play from 1am-3.30am! The things he doesn't get on board with i continue doing in my time and she knows how i want her to behave. She is less well-behaved for him, but it is his problem, not mine. All those weeks of insisting on a routine when she was difficult because he let her do what she wants were so worth it because she TRUSTS me now, she knows how reliable i am - even if he let her nap until 6pm i still put her to bed at 7pm. She knows i'll be here because i always am, mama is utterly reliable.

It is a difficult time just now, everything is in flux and your XP has not been patient or reasonable in his treatment of you, but things will get easier, you will find the strength you need, sometimes you will feel like you're squeaking through with nothing extra, but eventually you get to look back at and think "Hey, i did good here". Hang in there hunny.

Bx