HELP me protect my son

[Zennie]

ok so in a nut shell, we have just split up and XP due to dishonesty and trust issues with XP. So now he want s access to our son every 2nd weekend and thats ok i just disagree with the enviroment that he wants to have our son in. He currently lives with 3 other young men aged approx 20-23. we have been seperated for 9 months and i rarely took our son there as they were unable to keep the place clean and our son would find everything. There is also heavy drinking and drug use that happens in the house and even though XP promises it won't be done infront of our son, i feel it is unreasonable for him to displace the entire houshold in order for him to have access and that even though the drugs and drinking may not be done infront of our son, that it is an unhealthy culture for our to be raisede around. XP says that there will be no more drugs done at the house at all, but i'll never know if they are just lying to me. There were occasions that we had visited XP for the afternoon and been forced to leave because his housemates came back with grog and weed.

I don't know what to do to protect my son from being raised in this enviroment. I stipulated that if wanted access he had to get his own place or go to his mums or dads. I am giving him access to russell in my home atm but thats all. I really need some help to protect my son. i dont want to go to court but feel i will have to because XP seems to care more about the world as it relates to him and his hip pocket. the only reason he won't get his own place is the cost. I think its important that our son lives in an open and happy enviroment where he can do as he pleases when hes with his dad. the current situation will have our son confined to a area under the house near his dads room. please help me

[Chocaholic]

I think you have every right to demand a suitable environment for the access visits between your XP and your son. It is wonderful to see you are fighting for a safe environment for the visits. Fantastic mum!

Unfortunately, I am not sure you will be able to do that without a court order of some sort stating that the visit cannot be held at his house. You mentioned his parents and making the visits there. Do you trust his mum and dad to ensure that the visits organised for their house, stay at their house and your XP does not just take him home once you leave? If so, then I would say that is your only other option on a permanent basis.

You can always go out for the access visits (i.e. zoo, shopping centre, playground etc) but that can get expensive and if your son just wants to relax, may turn into a nightmare very quickly.

Have you called legal aid? Apparently there are mediation services that must be used for parenting issues before they go to court. Maybe try those. Sorry I am not much help about specifics.

Good luck in protecting that beautiful son of yours!

[Zennie]

we are doing the mediation at his insistance.i didn't feel it was initially necessary initally, however now it is. As for the trust thing. NO i dont feel i can trust him becasue at one point he told me he would juust take him home. His mum agrees that the house is safe if he cleans it up , gets the right locks and gates and they don't do the drinking and drugs infront of him. He is is epecting all the ppl living in his house to change their behaviour and lifestyle and i don't think its a long term solution.

When i said about getting his own place and what he would be gained he turned around and told me he would be loosing money. that scared me that the cost of providing a safe enviroment for his son was more important than the benefits of familar stable and safe enviroment for them to bond in and call their own. I don't want to keep him from XP it has benefits for me, i can have a life. but i feel if i release him into his care into that enviroment that i am not fulfilling my role as his prmary carer, his mum or his protector and advocate

[Mak]

Zennie - no helpful advice except trust your gut instinct. Don't let his mum or anyone else talk you into anything you are not happy with. I hope the medition helps sort things out. Take care. You are doing a fabulous job. x

[tiggerandpooh]

Like Mak said, listen to your gut. If your not happy with the situation, don't settle for anything less that what is acceptable. You said that you are in the process of mediation - you should be able to stipulate what you want then. You don't have to agree to anything, and don't get bullied into doing it either. If you have to go to court, you have to go to court. This is about what is in the best interests of your little boy - not what his father thinks is ok. Stay true to yourself, keep your son's best interests as your first and foremost focus, and say that when people think you are being unreasonable... because your not! you are looking after HIM.

[livvy]

hey hun,

i totally agree with you about the drugs and alcohol thing. my ex is a regular user and i worry about the demands he'll make when i have a meeting with him on friday.. but just remember that if it doesn't feel right, even if its just a tiny niggly feeling that you can't explain, don't do it! your instinct will always be right. and definately look at getting some legal advice whether you end up going to court or not. am a law student here in nz and am lucky enough to have an incredible mentor who specialises in family law (and has done for the last 20 years) who i run a lot of my thoughts past just because she is the font of all knowledge. know your rights hun. you can say no. the best hting i have been told by her is that being passive aggressive is the best way to do it lol. just smile sweetly and say "no". having bub's father around is good but only if that is a positive and safe relationship for bub. i just think that going to your local legal aide office or something would be so worth it, because you can never have too much information. and to me your ex sounds horribly like mine in that he's quite happy to say i want i want i want and then not actually get off his arse to meet the standard that is expected of him now that he's a father. my b****** ex is quite happy to tell me that i don't do this or that lol but he's not tried once to improve the timbre of our relationship to have any civility.. but thats a rant for another time lol..

anyway i hope that this helps, get some legal advice! just because you never know just how it might come in handy!

best of luck hun.

x

[livvy]

Stay true to yourself, keep your son's best interests as your first and foremost focus, and say that when people think you are being unreasonable... because your not! you are looking after HIM.

btw, i totally agree with the person they are wise. just remember that often you might think you're being perceived as unreasonable, but in actuality you're not! you have no need to worry about coming across as unreasonable because you know what is right. just try to keep your strength up. kia kaha. walk your chosen path and don't let anyone pull you to the side, you are so right in everything you are thinking. don't let anyone make you doubt yourself

i hope that you manage to find a positive resolution soon.

x

[Zennie]

HI Ladies, My XP smoked weed when we met but stopped shorlltly there after, he can be a heavy drinker though.i don't know if he has or will start smoking again, thats his choice. He Definatly has our best interests at heart ass they relate to him, even if they are a lttle wonky on issues like this one.

Its is not him i am worried about it is one of his house mates and the social attitde and there lack of hygeine.

Ashley is a heavy smoker,pot smoker and could be classed as an alcoholic and is not someone that i eever encouraged to be around our son , but tolerated in small doses for XP sake as they are best friends. we have never seen eye to eye.

We share some friends and after talking to some of the close ones who have known these ppl a long time about the situation. they also agree that the enviroment isn't suitable for a child to be in and will support me in that. there are also photos and comments about situations available of a friends FB that demonstrate that drug use is accepeted at the property.

I will get the legal advice i think. hes too young and impresionable and dosn't deserve to be put into this enviroment that is accepting of drug use and excessive drinking.

[livvy]

i think that you are definately making the best decision. don't beat yourself up about excluding your xp's friend from you child's life, your xp needs to make a choice about what he values most, his child's wellbeing or his social life. remember that friends can be transient but family is with you always. if he chooses his friend and habits over his child then that is a pretty strong statement to make. don't accept his excuses, your child deserves the best opportunities available and an environment that includes drugs and alcohol to such a large extent (regardless of whether your xp takes part in al of it) is not one of those things.

just remember to hold firm, don't relent on anything that you don't feel is entirely right. he'll come round to your way of thinking, you'll see.

it's not like you're asking him to abandon his friends, but maybe just to take a step back from them until they are able to confront their issues. he may feel that he is supporting his friend through his addictions, but may not yet understand that that is something that a person must come to on their own steam.

keep faith. your xp will come to that understanding too, and if not then your bub is probably better off without him anyway.

x

[canadianmummy]

Some very excellent advice here. Definitely Stick to your guns on this one, that sounds like a terrible environment for anyone to live in. Until XP can make your son's safety and health #1 priority above the inconvenience of say having to pay rent for his own place, he is not mature enough to have visitation at his place. well that's my opinion anyway. Definitely get legal advice. Do everything you can to keep your son out of that house. Good luck with it all.

[Zennie]

I wouldn't put it past him.the reason we split is becasue he cheated on me with a friend and i said " don't ever see her again if you want to be with me and he went to see her to tell her that he wanted to be with me and that he wasn't going to see her any more. hes already put his friends feelings above our relationship despite feeling strong enough to cut her out of our lives together. I don't think he will change his thinking because its the enviroment he was raised in with his dad and his mother agrees that aslong as its not done infront of our son, it won't impact on him.

I personally believe that it will because even though hes not seeing it happen, they stilll accept the behaviour as acceptable. That is not a social stigma i want him to pick up and none of them are really equipped to care for a child. They encourage stupid behaviour from russell and each other and make stupid comments. I dont know what to do. Its all very stressfull.

[livvy]

i'm sorry that it is like that. he just needs you to to be strong and not make allowances. i just hope that if, like you say, he is willing to cut out a woman from his life for you and your son then it may be that he will come through and see his son as the reason for his being. i do worry however that maybe he was able to do that simply because it wasn't important to him.. i know i sound like a cynic, bitter and all the rest of it.. but i stopped talking to my ex for over a month and cut his family out of mine and baby's life and that seems to have helped him see that maybe he has been taking a wrong path. i told him when i told him i was pregnant that he was either in or out and if he chose to walk away he couldn't look back. i don't think he realised just how serious i was. it has been that best thing i have done. the sadness and the stress has been a lot to take, but i can honestly say that it has given me time to see things as they are, and even to take stock of our relationship, especially as it was in the end. he abandoned us. maybe not consciously but it is the same in essence.

do not back down. not to his family, not to him. you know what is right. don't ever forget that you are the wise one here. no matter whether he is still using pot, it was when he started that is the key. he has not had the chance to mature beyond that point. that is how it is with drugs. my ex is no more than 17 in reality and my mentor said to me that no man ever really gets beyond their teens anyway lol. she said "your lucky if you find a 16 year old!"

you sound like you are doing a wonderful job. have you much support around you? counselling, friends, family? it is really the best thing.

it might seem hard right now, but there really is an end! it will get better. i promise.
x

[Zennie]

He was willing to cut her out yes, but he didn't want to. I think maybe he knew that if he went and saw her that i would snap and end it and i did. he wanted to finish what he started and have all care and no responsibility with her. I made a decision that if he didn't put our relationship above all else in how he dealt with this situation, then it was over. thats what happened. he put how she felt being dumped as a friend over the hurt he would and had casued me. It makes me angry but at them same time, i am sad but happoer than i have been in a long time.

My friends have really rallied and those friends we both know that are mature and level headed agree that i am right and if need be will support my decision to seek court orders to protect my son.

Kira

[livvy]

yes he definatley sounds just like my ex.. i just thank God i escaped to australia for some time away from him and everything to do with him. he's basically treated me like an automaton with no emotions, just a vessel carrying his baby, that frankly he has been quite happy to not be involved in the decisions, appointments and purchases that i have had to make to prep for his imminent arrival.. he just seems to think this is some kind of side show that he can come and go from as he pleases. like right now he's not even tried to be in contact with us until his sister told him to (she's the up and coming matriarch of the whanau) as he's got himself a new (very young and blonde and preened - wears red lippy to uni - so ott) gf, who his friends (who are also my friends) have told me they really don't like, without my asking or even bringing her up.. so i figure they must feel pretty strongly that she's not good news. but that's his choice. he made it. he has one chance this friday to make things right and at least apologise, but i don't have any expectations of this happening. i figure is best for bub if his dad is going to be the complete w***** he is proving himself to be, it's best if he walks away now before there is an innocent to disappoint.

oh God. i just realised what a rant this turned into.. i'm so sorry lol! am not usually so totally self involved..

i do hope that you find a good lawyer who will help you protect your beautiful boy. he is all that matters. i'm glad that you have such great support around you! it makes all the difference. just remember that you can lean on your friends, thats what they're there for. you would support them in their time of need so you deserve to be able to seek their support now. and remember that you need to take time out to grieve as well. thats what i've found, that i need time sometimes to just let it out that he's not the person i fell in love with anymore. maybe he never was. it is a loss just the same as any other. he was your other half and now is not, so just give yourself the time to let that out and let it go. it really helps!

i hope you are well, love liv