should i go to brothers home

[sue1386]

my brother has invited me to his home to welcome back his son from overseas.

my family hate going to my brothers home it leaves us feeling so sad, teary and pained for days after.

i am happy my brother has had such a good life

however i raised a bunch of kids on my own, with a violent ex husband who dragged me through courts and made my life hell for years and didnt pay child support for several kids

my health suffered during and after the marriage and raising a bunch of kids on my own with no money, career, home help, was not the recommended healing path for ill health

our life was full of trauma financially for every thing
for keeping a roof over our head, bills, repairs, education needs, clothing, everything is so difficult when there is no income and no child support and centrlink allowances are not enough to feed and cloth and keep a roof and pay bills and pay repairs education etc.

my brother lived 5 minutes away and just didnt think of us
when i tried to ask him for help in my exahustion and suffering for years, he just didnt hear it.

they didnt think twice on spending on such a luxurious lavish lifestyle and they just didnt think of how mine and my kids emotional and physical helath was suffering very seriously for so many years with no support and so much suffering.

it is not a joy for us that his pampered son has come back from overseas. we do not want to go there to have to listen to their life, when we have so much pain that was unheard day after day after day after day and was so extreme and serious with very huge effects on us all.

i can try to forgive and think of other things and build my life but i only find it retraumatises me to be around my brother and his total blindness and selfishness.

there are people i grew up with who just didnt show the care one would think they would when a friend is suffering so much. so there are poeple who i no longer wish to associate with, it just brings back too much pain for me, new people have come and are coming into my life that are much better for me .its just a reality of my life and how my experiences have effected my view of some people during years i suffered so much. then of course there are others who understand what i've been through and who i stay connected with.

[diannescruffy]

Hun, I'm a little bit confused, are you actually considering going to your brother's house? From what you have just said if it is going to cause trauma for you then don't go. Have you ever talked to your brother about how you feel about him?

Regards,
Dianne

[sue1386]

well to answer your first part

i guess an invitation is not an obligation

but i have so few friends
most couldnt take how exhausted i always was from overwork and raising a bunch of kids on my own while being dragged by my ex through court for years or through his dramas

so its nice to go out and i feel obligated

but truly i shouldnt even consider it as it does traumatise me

i need peace time peace and time as much as possible

i dont need more obligations expecially ones taht really really upset me so so much.

i tried for years to talk to him , it was like talking to a wall or worse

every counsellor i went to heard about my pain of having a brother and yet suffering so much alone. it would have been less painful to not have a brother than to have one who didnt show any care or understanding

what was worse is he likes to be seen as special in his community and i would hear form other sole parents who he helped them so much when they came to live here from elsewhere?!

my kids hate him too becaus eof his extreme lavishness yet selfishness and the extent we suffered, with kids and my health suffering so much to the extent of needing huge amount of care, cousnelling medication and hospitalisation from so much trauma for years, and yet his kids biggest problem was which peice of jewellery will they choose on their overseas trip

we want him to have a good life
but the lack of care while we suffered so much and he lived so closeby just truly adds so much salt to our wounds and has done for decades.

[*star*]

Only you can decide how you are going to feel about seeing him. It seems you've already made the decision that you are going to feel awful, so I don't know what the point is if you know you're going to choose to feel this way.

However, it's up to you whether you let these decades of misery with him last even longer. You may choose to forgive it and then it's up to you to forget it. If this just isn't possible then you have your answer above. If it is, then you'll be showing an example to your kids who may just be able to enjoy his hospitality in the here and now, even if it wasn't available previously.

[sue1386]

i hear you and we could wish it was so but the reality is the same

i've done it before
and it left me each time such a mess for days after

i remember hearing a specialist in trauma say ' priority number one is dont retraumatise'

enjoying his hospitality is one way of seeing it

but the reality is that its not at all experienced that way by us

its a bit like mary antoinette saying if they dont have food let them eat cake
he is so unaware , blind and wanting to be blind to what we go through

we dont feel his joy that his child has come back from overseas when we are going through much more basic pain and he has not shown any care or given releif to us when we have and do still suffer so much for basics.
we just feel pain that he is so out of touch with what we have and are going through and just totally overlooks it all as if its not there.

with someone else maybe we could go and enjoy hospitality
or maybe not, we are overworked, tired, and burdened with the struggle for basics and for whats gone one because of what we go through. in the last 12 months alone we have gone through so much. we need to be around kind compassionate understanding people not people who love to show off how fabulous their life is and have show no care or understanding for us no matter what we are going through. a couple of years ago he had such theories about kids having all their needs taken care of so that they can think of higher things, but did he help us at all with his theories no. My son was so sick at the time and he put on alot of weight from the medication and needed twice to buy entire new clothes , underwear, singlets, paints, tops, school uniform, church clothes, twice twice i had to buy bigger sizes in a small space of time and there were so many other expenses and trauma connected with all this, and i begged my brothe rfor help and he didnt help at all. this is just one of so many needs along the years that pains me so much, - me and my children being for years so traumatised and so sick from not enough funds and the stress it caused on our health together with other traumas, and he just dances his life away with no though to what we go through. for basics.

but visiting h him its so full of emotions and pain not just of past we are still suffering now struggling to keep a food over our head and basics going and dealing with so much we have been through even this year and he is just so so blind to it all and so selfish.

we need comfort on our level and not to be told to come and celebrate with him when we are exhausted and suffering.

it reminds me a bit of a story i once hear of a very rich brother who came to a family wedding in all his splendor leaving another sibling to come to the wedding in their shame and povery and the parents werent happy that one brother could be so blind to the need of the others and the parents did not enjoy the splendor he came to the wedding with, as he didnt assit the brother to come in a reasonable way aswell.

we have tried again and again to go and not feel all the upset, and it has never ever worked. we are never as great a mess as we are after going there as the trauma for us is so huge of what we go through alone without support while he lives it up very nearby showing no compassion care understanding throught or relief for us.

[sista]

If its leaving you in such a mess, don't go. If you want to someone to tell you what to do, then all you need to read is this: don't go. Make up an excuse if you like, but you can simply say, thanks but no thanks.

It is very hard and your feelings are very legitimate, but why would you keep going to people who don't care about you? I'm sorry, family may be family, but sometimes in name only. Like a previous poster said, it seems you've already made up your mind about how you're going to feel so why make it so hard for yourself.

[*star*]

So you've answered your own question then. If you can't choose to be any other way you are going to be miserable, so why do that to yourself. You can't make him do anything (particularly not in the past), it's only your reactions to what he does that you can choose. It seems you have made that choice, so don't go for both of your sakes.

[sue1386]

he doesnt suffer when we go there. he has no clue what we go through and how it trumatises us to be around him.

it is a lovely theory that we choose how we will feel

but with trauma what others dont understand is that there is a whole set of other thigns that happen with the triggering of cortisol and traumatic memories that peole dont often understand. i remember once a psychologist said she wanted me to fill otu a form about ptsd and i could tick every one except one.

I guess every time this comes up i wish it was differnt but the practise shows taht no matter how much i try to have other emotions and keep reactions distant it is nto the way it happens.

i had a relative who was a very positive happy strong person and yet i was surprised by instant tears that would flow when certain memories were triggered. people dont understand the effect of cortisol and trauma.

[diannescruffy]

i need peace time peace and time as much as possible
This is only a suggestion but have you tried to forgive your brother, holding resentment and hurt in your heart is only causing you more pain. I'm not saying you should go to your brothers house as obviously that will cause you trauma but if you want to find peace for yourself you need to forgive him and let go of the resentment you hold towards him. It is obviously not a healthy situation to be in but holding on to the past can cause trauma in itself.

Regards,
Dianne

[sue1386]

i constnatly work with forgiveness, and trying to give reasons excuses understanding for why perhaps he is the way he is or simply acceptance.

we can live in the present and deal with what we have to deal with

but when we go to his home we cant its just too much trauma from decades and currently is triggered.

forgiveness doesnt mean we can forget or stop the reactions of trauma that it triggers. the less i think about it the better i am. going to his place just retriggeres all the trauma and then we are not able to live in the present and feel some peace and focus on what we need to .

do you have tangible descriptions of what forgiveness means to you and how you think that then this could make the trauma we feel around my brother less?

[Lulu]

Is this trauma because you feel he didn't help you enough?

[smiles4u]

Hey Sue, ... so sorry if this is going to sound harsh but it doesn't sound like you owe it to your brother to go ... What's the big deal about the son coming back from the overseas trip anyway ?? ... Funny thing i firstly thought " Oh, he must have been a soldier in a war overseas that's why such big hype about him coming home " ... My other question is it cause he has been gone overseas for a long time ??, like a year or something ??

I can hear the stress in your posts Sue, i wouldn't go ... Look after you & your children first as you sound like you know to do and that's clearly one of your reasons of concern in going, you don't need for anymore emotional discomfort ...

I was also wondering is it also worrying you about the outcome with your brother if you don't go ... if his son has been on an overseas holiday for not a very long time i can't see the deep importance of it, but then maybe your brother thinks differently.

Take super care Sue xOx

[sue1386]

thanks for your kind words
i wish it was otherwise so i always think about it. we have an ideal picture of how we wish we could be but the reality is that this is a very toxic situation for me. i have some peace when i am by myself or with people who are on track with me and my life . but around him its just full of pain.

just the thought of my brother raises so much trauma for me and i ahvent forgotten how traumtised i was after last time going there which i beleive was 16 months ago.

and yes its just connected to so so so so so much me and my children went through for many years and still ongoingly and how close he lived and what a lavish lifestyle he has led and yet he has been totally deaf dumb blind to us sstruggling for basics.
Last year i asked if he could help towards a $30 heater my young daugher who has a baby needed and he didnt respond or give any help. he is too busy laughing and dancing and socialising and having a great life to think of a sister and nephews and neices who live right near to him

we are all hard workers that do our best , we are not drunkards or lazy but we have been through so so much and its taken a massive toll on us all.

once one of my kids were at my brothers home and my child thought that certain luxurious expensive foods would be shared out like a special treat like it would be in our home, and found out that they are standard fare there that they can have as much as they want. my child said taht his life is so extremely different to our life that no wonder he has no compassion or understanding. but its not true there are people from all walks who are capable of compassion and care.

i want my brother to have a good life
but our pain is that we suffered so much right next to him and he didnt releive us. it would have meant so much to us if he would have shown some regular care, releif support and caring words
and instead the pain of having a brother so close while we suffered so much, who was living such a lavish luxurious lifestyle is very traumatic for us.

my kids were hospitalised fighting for sanity with trauma we went through, not wanting to live
and his kids could thrive with every luxury and the biggest problem they had was what peice of jewellery to buy on their overseas trips.

how can someone enjoy so much with no though towards a sister and her children drowning so severely for so long for basics

no he wasnt at war overseas. he had a gap year and the 2 parents even went and visited him during that year! we dont have any interest/excitement in his coming back. our thoughts are with much more basic issues of survival. we feel only pain connected with my brother. i kept my pain silently but my kids have made their own conclusions and when i mention my brother they also say how much they hate them because he only cares about himself.

the wife is a good wife and mother but she is high maintenance. she was raised with little in a rich school and grew up wanting wht the other rich kids have. my brother is not the one always pushing for a new and bigger house car overseas trips etc. i dont want my brother to get a divorce but truly his behavoir has been so so so traumatic for us while we have gone through so much for basics.

[diannescruffy]

Hun to answer your question about forgiveness, I also have been through trauma in my life and no forgiving someone doesn't mean you forget what you went through but for me once I forgave these people it brought peace in my heart and I was able to move on in my life and not dwell on the past and what they did to me. It doesn't necessarily mean you need to tell the person you have forgiven them, it really doesn't matter what they think. So I guess what I'm trying to say is if you can forgive your brother and as I said previously it doesn't mean you have to see him, it sounds like your resentment towards him goes back many years but you may be able to find peace in your heart to be able to move on in life. I know that if I hadn't forgiven the people that caused trauma in my life my children would be suffering because of that today. I can still think of what happened to me without hating the person who caused the trauma. I hope this has made some sense.

Regards,
Dianne

[diannescruffy]

Sorry just another point I wanted to add, your brother isn't the one who caused your trauma, do you feel the same hatred towards your ex who actually did caused the truama? I presume so and also presume you have nothing more to do with your ex. If you can't get past the fact that your brother didn't help you I would just cut all ties with him, but you still need to find that peace in your heart otherwise you will live the rest of your life this way.

Regards,
Dianne

[skeetaboat]

Forgiveness is accepting what the other person has said or done that has hurt you, and choosing to let it go. We can't forgive someone for hurt that we hold on to.

I felt very resentful towards my mother when I was younger because she didn't help me out of a situation I was in as a teenager. Many awful things happened to me because I couldn't get myself out of that situation, and I would often lie awake at night thinking 'why won't she come and save me from this?'. I was very very angry and hurt and I blamed her for so many things that flowed out of that situation, and the years of recovery it took to get my life back to 'normal'.

The hurt and anger stunted me emotionally and made me depressed and kept me from having a relationship with her. Every time I saw her it hurt like hell. There were tears and tears and tears. It wasn't until I stopped holding her accountable for my decisions, choices, situations and experiences, that I could start to heal. Yes, she could have helped me out of that sitation, but until I figured out that it was not her obligation to save me from my own choices in life that I could forgive her for not doing what *I* wanted her to do to make *my* life better. I still do see her as a bit of a selfish person now, but I don't let it hurt me deeply, I just see it as part of her personality. Now we have rekindled our relationship and she is one of my biggest support persons, and I can see that there are many other good qualities to her personality.

Forgiveness is deciding not to persecute someone for what they have or haven't done, and it releases all manner of hurt and trauma. Sometimes, when things are deeply traumatic, you have to make the choice to forgive over and over, whenever those feelings rise up.

[skeetaboat]

Sorry just another point I wanted to add, your brother isn't the one who caused your trauma, do you feel the same hatred towards your ex who actually did caused the truama? I presume so and also presume you have nothing more to do with your ex. If you can't get past the fact that your brother didn't help you I would just cut all ties with him, but you still need to find that peace in your heart otherwise you will live the rest of your life this way.

Regards,
Dianne

I agree with Dianne. I can understand that you don't enjoy your brother's company if doesn't care or show any compassion about your struggles, but why do you feel like your brother was obligated to resolve your family's problems in the first place?

[sue1386]

soem good points. i have done alot of emotional work around many things inclusing cutting ties and forgiving, but as you say it needs to be done over and over. even with the work it can still trigger huge trauma.

my ex was very violent and dishonest professionals call him a master conartist, so of course i have nothing to do with him.

we tend to live alot in the present but this has triggered alot of trauma for us.

i guess i am kinder than my brother and to suffer so much alone with a brother nearby is a huge trauma for us even if you want to work it as maybe wrong that why did we ahve the expectation taht if we were suffering so much constnatly that my brother would show some care or releif. tahts your values its not ours. for us it has been and is a huge trauma.

we build our lives, we do our best, with so much going on , but truly those who have support do so much better those who are spared some experiences and helped ot have basics when raising children can do so much better.

dealing with this topic is not helpful actually to me. its just retraumtising me. but thank you so much to those of you who had very on track helpful words such as the comments from smiles 4u about how you thought the son was coming back from war or something, with this fuss, and that yes its not worth going because it is a huge trauma to suffer that much and have a brother right near by who didnt help releive comfort when the chips were so down .we go on with our lives and try to understand , forgive, focus on what we can do , but when it is in our face and pops up again it still carried huge trauma for us. it woudl be great to work towards jsut accepting that thats how he is.

i'm glas you ahve alot of good form your mum and can see other hurts in context. we dont have good from my brother just huge pain of how much we went through right under his nose with no response or udnerstanding or releif.

those who went through terrible times are in shock about governments or neighbours or people who did noththign to stop or help. it is a huge trauma.