What Should I Do? What Would You Prefer As A Parent?
My sister has been hospitalised, and DH and I may be looking after her 10 week old bub for the forseeable future.
He's a fairly clingy baby - well, more than his brother was - and so when I've looked after him in the past, I've held him the entire time, and he loves it. A couple of weeks ago, I looked after him for a weekend, and BIL made the comment a few days later that, because I had held him to sleep, he wouldn't sleep for them now, and they had to 'break' him of it again.
Now, I have my own ideas about holding him, and I'm happy to do so, but if we end up having him for a while, I don't want to make things harder on my sister when she's well enough to take him again. So I don't know whether I should follow my instincts and cuddle him when he wants it, or do what I know she does, which is hold him as little as possible. (I don't mean this sarcastically or as a judgement, she is not an affectionate person, so she doesn't tend to cuddle her bubs more than they absolutely need)
What would you do? And if you were in her situation, what would you prefer the carer of your child did?
This is a hard one. If it were me in your situation, I would do what was necessary to make him feel loved and wanted, and to help him settle in. So if holding him for long periods of time is what it takes, then I'd do it.
If I was in your sister's position, well I don't know to be honest. Bub is still so very young, so still needs a lot of affection.
I think that under the circumstances, he is probably going to need those cuddles to help him adjust as well. I don't think that in a single day you changed their baby, but I think that he is probably just one of those babies that needs lots of cuddles kwim? I think that to help you through this time that you are going to have to do what makes things easier for you, and that may mean you spend a lot of time holding him. I posted in your other thread that you should get a carrier for him to make it easier for you to go about your day to day as well.
cuddle, cuddle, cuddle- the poor little man is going to be missing his mummy, and he's still so little. have you got a hug-a-bub or something to hold him in for a while?
hmm.. it is a tough one. As a parent I would want the carer to respect our wishes, for eg. with regard to crying it out.. as in... NOT allowed. So I guess if they express certain wishes, they should be respected.
But it's hard for me to agree with not cuddling a bub So I dunno. They obviously trust you to care for bub on such a fulltime basis... they must trust your instincts as well. I think as a parent I would appreciate that no one else would parent exactly the same as me anyway, so whilst I might have a gripe here and there about how they've done a few things, deep down it wouldn't worry me too much if I trusted them. Bub will be unsettled to some extent anyway if there is a bit of chopping and changing... and in my books, that needs lots of cuddles... maybe use that as your excuse hehe
What Should I Do? What Would You Prefer As A Parent?
Go with the cuddles, he will know his mum isn't around and will need them right now. Babies need cuddles at this age, it doesn't mean he will be a clingy baby later on.
I would go the cuddle option. They obviously trust you and your ability to care for your nephew....knowing what you are like. I would just do what comes naturally to you. However, if your sister asked you not to do it so much, then I'd respect that too.
I would give cuddles when ever he needs, as he probably feels "abandoned" by his mum and needs reasurance he is loved. So I say cuddle away till your heart desires.
I have to say I agree with general trend of this thread. Being that the baby is experiencing a different environment (as in at your place) he will need the cuddles to relax and come to some kind of terms with it, also when he goes back, the reason he he was probably so upset the first time was just having to re settle again in his home, not because you "spoiled "him or anything.
Hope it all works out, I think following your instincts cant be a bad thing.
Cuddles for sure. Being away from his mummy will be hard enough. I agree it is hard to strike a balance between their wishes and yours so I think you should let them know that's how you intend to care for him. If it is really against their wishes they may wish to find someone else to care for him.
So so hard, i hope your sister is ok and is up and about ASAP.
I completely understand bubs need cuddles and i agree at this young age they do need it but if possible i would try and find the middle ground, maybe cuddle to settle but then pop into bed and pat or something once asleep, or if need be cuddle as much as you like at the start but try and draw out the need towards the end.
MIL has always had a habit of not handing grandchildren over once asleep, she just holds them and holds them, after i had been in hospital for surgery it took me forever to get DD1 back to normal (i don't do controlled crying or anything but she WAS the kind of baby who would sook for say a min and then put herself off to sleep) and this didn't help my recovery at all.
GL, do what you feel is right i'm sure in the long run thats all your sister would want and thats why she is leaving bub with you.
its hard to say because our instincts are to nurture them when they need it, but in this case your sister may have reasons, such as her health, not to do it to much. She may not be physically coping with a child who constantly needs to be held. I had a friend who had a very clingy baby and he was like that up until he was about 4yrs old. She couldnt even go to the toilet without him hanging onto her so its not always something they grow out of in the first year or two....sometimes it drags on for years.
First and foremost i would want my rights to decide how to parent my kids be respected and observed. So just consider if you do go contrary to what she's asked, she may be reluctant to ask you next time. She's probably worked really hard to get him to settle without being held, so if you do start picking him up to settle, its going to be more work for her when she's out of hospital and you have to ask if she really needs that at such a time. You could ask your sister what she does in compensation of being carried around...maybe she's found something else that comforts him that he enjoys. If not, maybe you can try something different with him like a comfort teddy or pillow to hold.
I understand your sister's perspective, but I think right now you need to do whatever is going to be easiest on your nephew - no doubt he'll need lots of cuddles and reassurance. If you end up looking after him for some time then once he's a bit more settled in the new arrangmenet you could try other ways to settle and see how you go. You can't actually ruin kids with cuddles and they do learn to do things differently with different people.
Thanks for all your responses ladies - I've also had multiple offers from the girls in WA for carriers, I'm constantly amazed by how lovely the people are on BB!!
You've all pretty much confirmed what I was thinking, I just needed the validation I guess! I'm especially liking the suggestions to give him all the cuddles he wants while he adjust, and then try to draw them out, I think that's what she would be happy with. Although I'm gonna hafta prepare myself that BIL will no doubt abuse me and say I ruined their baby, but I'll know I did the right thing, and at 2am, thats all that counts!
i'm a bit late but agree with the others who've suggested cuddles to adjust but then maybe space them out a little. it's so hard because when i leave DS, i want to be sure that the person respects our wishes as parents but at the same time, i want the time they're looking after DS to be as easy on them as a carer as possible. we're lucky because DP's mum thinks the same way as we do but i have noticed that DP's SIL has complained that after a visit to grandma that they're DS won't sleep by himself because he's been held.
but yeah - at 2am, you need to do whatever works to keep the balance of your household!
I would try.....i stress try....to do more or less what his Mummy and daddy do but if being away from his parents requires him to be held and cuddled.......that's what it takes then. I was nearly going to say 'house rules' but remembered I have an issue about things my MIL does with my boys which erks me!
When I disagree with how I'm raising my child with someone, I remember he is MY child and if someone wants to do something I believe is detrimental to my son, I do not leave him with them.
Cuddling isn't detrimental, but if you're cuddling because you want to rather than because baby needs it - and against parental wishes, then I won't stick up for you. I know you want to do what you believe is best, but I believe cuddling is best and a friend of mine swears by CIO. I just don't let her babysit!
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What Should I Do? What Would You Prefer As A Parent?
So I dunno. They obviously trust you to care for bub on such a fulltime basis... they must trust your instincts as well. I think as a parent I would appreciate that no one else would parent exactly the same as me anyway, so whilst I might have a gripe here and there about how they've done a few things, deep down it wouldn't worry me too much if I trusted them. Bub will be unsettled to some extent anyway if there is a bit of chopping and changing... and in my books, that needs lots of cuddles... maybe use that as your excuse hehe
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