Are we parenting her right???

[Olive]

DD2 (almost 22 months) is quiet a headstrong and determined little girl. We're in the process of trying to determine if she has some senory issues as well.

the question im wanting to ask is the way inwhich we often need to her do thing/stop doing things..
we almost always need to 'compromise' with her, its 'if you want to do this you need to do that first'... or if you want dessert then you need to eat this first. i also have similar issues with clothing where i often have to offer two sets of clothes to pick from.
is it ok to parent like this if it works? am i doing the wrong thing? is this giving her too much control?
she doesnt talk much, but her comprehension is amazing, she screams/shrieks alot too

im not even sure that what im asking or saying even makes sense.

[thepixie]

Big fan of what works
If it is working for you, go with it. You might find that as her language improves she becomes easier to deal with (and talks rather than shrieks) GL

[maz]

you know hun

every child is different and if this way of parenting causes less stress, fight's, melt down's then Im all for it.

I parent all mine differently, I have to otherwise those guy's in the white coats would have taken me away a long long time ago

[Winter]

I think giving her choices is really good. I give my daughter the opportunity to chose as often as I can. I keep thinking that she's an individual and has her own ideas about things so if its not important stuff like which t-shirt to wear, then it gives her a feeling of control & is absolutely nothing to me.

To me, I think you're doing it just right. Compromise is good, if you can negotiate for what you want her to do, then great. If she does A she can have / do B. As long as there are consequences when she doesn't do A then you're not setting her up to be spoilt or giving her too much control.

Not all kids are compliant & passive, I think you just have to keep going with what works for your DD's personality type. Just remember that headstrong & determined are really positive character traits that will stand her in good stead throughout her life.

[onthefly]

I think giving choices is a great way to go - well it's what we do a lot of time anyway
If it works, then it works.
For what it's worth, I don't think parents need to be "in control" to the extent that some people seem to think. You don't have to make all the decisions and control every aspect of their lives - she is quite able (and probably more than willing) to make all sorts of decisions and giving her the room to do that can only be a good thing. She has to learn to make good decisions for herself sometime. Giving her the space and opportunity to do it now - and learning about consequences, negotiating and meeting other people's needs - means that hopefully once she's out there as a teenager she'll already have those skills (you know what I mean?)

[Olive]

awesome guys you all make me feel better and that I'AM doing the right thing by her, both now and for the future

winter and marcellus you're right in that she most certainly understands concequences and if its not A or B then its nothing

phew...breathes a sigh of relief!

[Kazbah]

Gosh Olive, I don't know any other way to parent that isn't extremely loud and headache-inducing!!!!!

[black_rose]

You are parenting her they way she needs to be.

With dd1 we do the same, offer choices and compromises. Eg you can have fruit if you eat all your veggies or she can go to outside if she tidies up. It's the easiest way to get her to agree to things if she can see rewards/ reason. She doesn't adapt to change very well at all, she was a premmie and in a brace so she had strict feeding and play routines. It's been challenging to break her out of them.

With dd2 she is very different she goes with the flow but always knows what she wants whether it's food or clothes we can't compromise with her, not sure how we will deal with her stubborn streak yet.

If it's how your dd comprehends what you want her to do it's not a bad thing at all. I see it as positive reinforcement and rewards, rather than yelling etc.

[MummaSue]

I don't know much about this stuff yet, but it sounds like you're doing great with your wee one - parenting her just the way she needs to be parented

[Fleur]

I'm a fan of choices, not just to avoid meltdowns either, but they work great with a dithering child who wants to take an hour to decide what to have for breakfast :P
Whatever works (within reason) - if it's not hurting anyone, if it's not unreasonable, there's no harm, you know?

And ITA with Marcellus

For what it's worth, I don't think parents need to be "in control" to the extent that some people seem to think. You don't have to make all the decisions and control every aspect of their lives - she is quite able (and probably more than willing) to make all sorts of decisions and giving her the room to do that can only be a good thing. She has to learn to make good decisions for herself sometime. Giving her the space and opportunity to do it now - and learning about consequences, negotiating and meeting other people's needs - means that hopefully once she's out there as a teenager she'll already have those skills (you know what I mean?)

- couldn't have said it better myself.

[Michelle71]

I do the choices ALL the time. For DS1 it is things like "It is time for a shower. If you are not up there ready by the count of 5 then you will have to have a bath". Both options are fine by me but the choice of how he gets wet is his. It is a great technique. Fewer meltdowns because they have the perception they have made their own decisions when in reality they have done exactly what you wanted them to without a fight. I am all for encouraging choices and decision making - particularly when the outcome suits me too!!!

[angelaartsstudent]

We do the same with P.

A very frequent one is - If you want to watch the Wiggles, you have to sit down. (Rather than run around wildly)

It works for us.

P is exceptionally indepenant and headstrong....your daughter sounds perfectly normal!

We pick our battles re meltdowns...and are very good at ignoring the ones that happen over tiny, trivial things.

[Swoop]

I think you're doing fine Olive!

Like some of the PP's have said, I offer choices as part of my parenting style. I don't feel like I really need to offer them at this stage, but believe that doing so will encourage confident independence. I also suspect that if you give choices where possible it'll be clear where the boundaries are on the non-negotiables. Not sure if it'll work yet, but I'm giving it a go!!

[OceanPrincess]

Olive I just finished learning some new parenting techniques and this was one of them - offering a reward for good/desirable behaviour. I think the idea is one day you won't have to give the reward, they should just be doing the behaviour because they have learned it.

DD is quite similar - I have to say "if you want this, then that" quite often!

[Trillian]

Jols, have you had her hearing checked at all? She has had a lot of ear infections and it could have impacted on her hearing - hence the lack of words. I had to do the same thing with DD2 - she is the most headstrong child you could imagine and while she thought she was having a choice and choosing xyz etc, in reality I was still controlling the situation because I'd chosen the things she had to choose between in the first place kwim? So everyone was a winner LOL. If this is what is working for you, then keep doing it.

[Olive]

thanks again everyone

sherie shes had her hearing checked and it was perfect, and we've never been concerned with it, i think she just knows she can communicate via screaming rather effectively

[Freya]

Olive, I agree with everyone else. The way your parenting her is the right thing for her. Some kids are very 'go with the flow' and do whatever you ask, follow the crowd etc. Some kids need to be involved in their decisions; like my Ds1 who is 4. He constantly wants explanations as to what choices he has and why. I find if I discuss with him "You can have/do/eat option A or option B because blah blah blah" then its minimal fuss and a happy outcome for us all. If I demand something of him "Eat option A or else" then he has a meltdown. And obviously we've all worked out we can do it and keep some control

My Ds2 is a gone to far option of what you've described, due to his many issues even having choices doesnt work for him and often we have to defer to him and give him whatever he wants, even if the other kids have to give in for it. I hate doing it but at the moment it avoids WW3 until we can get some help as to how to cope with him.

[Shanti]

Yep, choices are good! They love getting choices. As long as you aren't giving too many choices.....so only offer (A) or (B) and no more....too many choices just confuses them.

You know your little girl, trust your instincts.....it seems lots of parents have to choose different methods for each of their kids as they are all different kids! Different natures etc....

My little girl (same age) is also a very strong willed, determined little girl so I kinda know where you're coming from! Even with her fantastic language skills she has, she still gets very easily frustrated with me!

We also quite often bargain with our DD too..... "if you eat those veges there, you can have that apple juice you really want afterwards" and it works 99% of the time