dealing with the I want / don't want / want it's.....
DD is 2 & 1/2. Right now she is going through the boundary testing phase I guess. What's really testing me though is the "I want ..." followed by the "I don't want ...." followed by the "I want ..." tantrum.
Eg:
It's morning tea time. Do you want apple or orange today?
Apple.
So I prepare apple.
A tantrum ensues because "I want orange"
So I give the apple to her sister and give her an orange, and a tantrum ensues because her sister is eating her apple.
So we share, everybody gets apple and orange, but now we refuse both and sulk / have a tantrum (depends on how energetic she is!) because she doesn't want either.
another - do you want milk or water with your lunch?
(as per above - you get the idea)
A particular favorite of mine is when we are out and I have prepared some food for us all, and I check with her to see if she is finished, if she wants anymore. No, so I/DD2 eat it, or it is thrown out and then 30 seconds later we have a tantrum because "I want it"
the I want-don't want-want-don't want ... can be for anything - toys, food, which undies we are wearing today, anything! I do try and offer her choces, but I am struggling with the changing of her mind 50 times and tantrum regardless of the choices.
Last night:
Dishing up dinner, baked dinner - her fave.... I dish up her plate, with gravy because she loves it.
A tantrum because "I don't want gravy"
OK, so I have her plate and give her a new plate full, no gravy, and we have another tantrum because she wants gravy. So DH puts gravy on it (unaware that this was her second plate) and she gets upset because she doesn't want gravy, so DH gets her a new plate with no gravy (now her third plate) which she refuses to eat, but wants to eat the food - with gravy - off my plate!!
I felt like this:
any suggestions? This is really pushing my buttons and I am starting to get a bit cranky for my liking when this is happening.
I feel your pain! DD is starting to do this. Unfortunately DS is still doing it! Solutions vary. Food - first choice is given. If they won't choose, I choose. If they don't eat it they go hungry. DS often goes to bed hungry because he doesn't like his dinner (he does!). It is incredibly frustrating but DS now knows that choices are final. I try to ignore these tantrums as they are over nothing. I will comfort if they get really upset but generally they move on pretty quick. DD can go on for quite a while sometimes and it drives me nuts but she won't be comforted, won't say what she wants, then all of a sudden she's fine & goes off to play or eat, completely forgetting the tantrum ever happened. It's baffling!
Other things like clothes - I humour them to a point. If we are going anywhere, I just let it go. It's not a battle worth fighting. DD has been refusing PJs/nappy in the evening. So she runs around nudey. But when it gets to bedtime, she's asking for boobie - I say no boobie until you're dressed. I win that one lol! In the mornings it's harder as we have to be out by a certain time so I generally try to encourage a choice, and if they don't co-operate, I choose and put it on them despite their protests. DS is pretty good with this now. If DS moans about my choice of clothes - he must put them away & choose his own. If he won't choose, he wears my choice. I tried a reward chart with DS at one stage but it didn't work for us. It might work for you though.
My 3 year old is like this and maybe its because I've been through it with two other kids before, but I make them take their first choice.
If she asks for coco pops for breakfast and then changes her mind and asks for weetbix after I've made it - too bad.
Most of the time I double check and ask several times for confirmation but once it's made - that's it. I've got 3 other kids to deal with at meal times and I don't have time to be going back and forth while she makes up her mind.
I will say that I usually ask her first out of anyone but serve her last to give her time to lock in an answer she's happy with LOL
Probably not what you are looking for but I want my kids to learn the ability to make decisions and stick with their choices - they'll know better for tomorrow or the next meal that what they ask for they get.
As for clothes - they all pick their own, even the two year old. I don't get involved too much in that department LOL
Ohhhh I remember that one. We still get it very occasionally but there was a time when it was daily like you describe.
Like Rowellen, with food, I'm fairly cut and dry. I'd repeat the choice and her selection. 'You chose apple, I'm going to give you the apple now' as confirmation that I had heard her choice, and then that was it. Apple or no apple, the other alternative was off the table. I think if you go with it too much you're not empowering them so much as giving them power that they can't handle. They want to see where the boundaries are and if they're able to alter at their whim, it can get overwhelming.
And yes, with other stuff I'm more flexible but with clear limits. I will help you put on the clothes you choose, within a reasonable time frame, but I will not help you change into a different outfit 3 times. You've decided you don't want a bath now i've run it? Well you can have it now or after stories. Grrr. The last one makes me fume... but luckily DS is happy to jump in a bath any time and is even more pleased to have it all to himself! (which then gets her interest because he sounds so happy so she wants in too!! )
I do realise I need to just make her take her choice, and I do *try* to... (the baked dinner / gravy episode was a bit of an extreme example - I initially thought that I had seasoned the gravy too much and then DH wasn't aware that I had already been through it, and I do think she was playing us off against each other a bit, but I digress...)
How do I deal with the tantrum immediately after (in my sleep deprived state late last night, I realised I left out half of what I wanted to originally post). When I do say no / you chose A / tough cookies (not that I say that, but ykwim), we have a wailing and I mean WAILING tantrum afterwards with the sobbing and tears (OK not always that bad, but at least half the time) and the arms held out with a request for "cuddle" (most of the time).
On the one had, I dont want to be refusing a cuddle when she asks for one, but on the other hand I feel like I am rewarding the tantrum and the preceeding behaviour.
Is it best to ignore this tantrum or soothe it? I have tried both options and neither of them feels very successful.
and the I want / don't want scenario I struggle with most is the cuddle at bed time ....
do you want me to tuck you in and give you a cuddle
no
ok, so I pat her hand and wave 'night, then after I have left the room is a cry for a cuddle, so I go in to give her a cuddle and then she rolls away saying no, so I leave and then we start up with "cuddle!" again. If I say no, we have a huge tantrum which results in not going off to sleep or we wake DD2.
I have tried warning her when I ask her something, saying no more changing, is that what you want, but I do wonder sometimes if it is all beyond her comprehension??
ANyway, suck it up, stick to my guns, got that. Just need advice on how to deal with the tantrum please!
With meals maybe more snacks, can you put out a few choices of fruit (ie: apple and orange on a larger plate/platter) and let her take what she wants on her own plate? That way if she cracks it you can point out that SHE chose it not she told you them changed her mind? iYKWIM? I'd probably even consider that with gravy. Leave it off and if she wants it, she can (with help) put it on herself. It sounds like she is trying to assert some independence??
Tantrums, well I'd ignore as much as possible and carry on doing something else with no attention given. if she wants a cuddle, I'd tell her to calm down first then happy to give a cuddle. My DD was the same at this age and I think it is a communication/developmental thing. They can comprehend but just can't verbalized fully yet. This behavior will pass.
Bedtime has been an issue for us with DD from about 18 mths. We had to put the foot down and it was usual bed routine with cuddles. If you refuse cuddles then that is it, no other choice and too bad. Granted we did it when DD was older because we persevered with her changing her mind but it prolonged bedtime and fueled the behaviour.
Last edited by RhiChiChi; April 23rd, 2013 at 04:09 PM.
Re: dealing with the I want / don't want / want it's.....
My son went through this stage just like you describe. The cuddle/no cuddle really upset me too. In the end I decided he was learning about the finality of decisions in that often in life, once we choose one option, the others are no longer available and there can be a kind of grief for what is not chosen.
With the tantrums over cuddles/no cuddles I found they were over faster if I offered a cuddle and then sat nearby - available for when he calmed down but not talking or pushing him. He used to do this thing where he'd want me in the room (at bedtime) then tell me to go away, then get incredibly distressed when I left the room. I think the distress behind the tantrums is real for them, even when we don't get it or its a trivial (to us) issue. I found it helped my head space to forget the issue and just respond to his distress as genuine. The come-here-go-away routine didn't last all that long and I suspect once he worked out I wasn't going to leave him alone with his feelings he stopped needing to test me.
I agree with the others with just going with the first choice definitely. You can't be serving up several meals each time, how annoying. My DD's do this too but they only get one choice (even if I check with them a few times before I make it).
With the tantrums, yes, I would comfort. I try to think of tantrums in a different way. Most of the time it's not my child trying to control me, it's just them having a very big feeling which they don't know how to deal with yet. It's my job to teach them and I need to help them calm down. Comforting during a tantrum isn't rewarding bad behaviour. You're still not backing down from your decision but you can help her deal with her frustration over it, let her know that you are in control and she can feel safe, and that she is unconditionally loved no matter what her behaviour is like. I would say something like 'You're upset/frustrated because I won't let you have the orange. You asked for an apple first and I have already cut it up. Next time you can ask for an orange if you like. Do you need a cuddle to help you calm down?' That works for my kids. I find they usually just want to feel like I understand them. Sometimes maybe you need to wait a bit or cuddle first before talking if you can't talk over the screaming though, lol.
We are going through this phase with my DS who has just turned 2.
We are teaching him even now that every action has a consequence, even when it comes to choices with regards to food or playing outside or in, shoes or no shoes etc. It is a natural thing for a child to go through this process of changing their mind all the time. We offer a choice and recheck a few times but once his decision is made then that is final. That is his choice. So if DS chooses Vitabrits over porridge then it's Vitabrits. If a tantrum ensues we just let it unfold in front of us but if he needs a cuddle, he gets a cuddle as we never refuse kisses or cuddles in our house. I'm expecting, from what I've heard from friends that this phase lasts for quite a while too
Just a quick thought, but perhaps your little one isn't up to being given choices yet? What would happen if you just said: "Here is an apple for morning tea"?
Re dealing with the tantrum, we offer comfort if they want it, but if they don't then they can process it in their own way.
Also we try to put words to their feelings and show that we understand. Things like I know you are upset and I know that is frustrating that you can't have your orange. It is okay to be upset.
thanks ladies, for all your good advice. I do feel like we are on the right direction now.
I have tried to be a bit firmer with her, and limit the giving choices, and she seems to be OK with that, she will tell me if it's not what she wants, which has been good.
I have noticed too that DH is alot "softer" with her than I am, and she is such a "daddy's girl", so I had better watch that I think!
the tantrums have still been a bit difficult, she has often been too wound up to talk to, and then when it has passed, she doesn't seem to care anymore, so not sure whether I continue to try and explain to her or just let it go? just sort of playing that one by ear I guess.
dealing with the I want / don't want / want it's.....
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