Stressing and a rant

[princesswalkee]

Hi all,
i have a few problems with my partners mother and need reassurance.I know i have a bit of time before i give birth ( i am 21 weeks tomorrow) anyway my partners mother wants to be there when i give birth but i dont want her to be, i want my partner and my mum, i wanted my mum to be and than she just ask one day and i said yes, now my partners mother is not good when she is told no, she knows my mum is going to be there and is not happy about it, she makes me very uncomfortable and hasnt even wanted this baby and has made that very clear to the point of saying to my partner that he should cause a accident so i miscarriage, he was outraged and needless to say i wasnt impressed, she and my partners father also tell me everything that can go wrong everytime im out there and it gets to the point where i have burst into tears when we get in the car to come home, my partner has told them that they are making me upset but all they have said is its there house and they will say what they want. Anyway back to the birth she is a very munipulative person and doesnt take it too well when she is told no, so im just wondering if when i give birth i can get the midwives to keep her away, and under no circumstances is she to be let into the delivery room or told anything if she rings, i would also like some suggestions how to cope with her, im trying to be positive but even after she came to the ultrasound she is still not accepting it, all she did at the ultrasound was ask the technican if there was anything wrong with the baby and suggesting things to check she didnt even smile when she seen it.
Thanks in advance for any suggestions

[krysalyss]

OMG what a nightmare of a person. Of course she can't be there. I can't even imagine how awful it would be. Even if she was nice - you need to have the people you want there. It isn't a movie for petes sake! It is the welcoming of your new little one. I think you should make it clear in your birthplan and to your midwives that no information is to be given out to anyone. That way you can call to let people know when you are good and ready. They can't just let anyone into your room so make it clear that noone except XX and XX are to come in. Also don't let her know you are going into labour. You can let her know after the fact , or even after you get home.
This is your little one. You need to absolutely put your foot down because these situations don't resolve themselves unfortunately. Overbearing MILs tend to get worse when they inevitably disagree with your parenting.
Good luck with your situation! I hope it all turns out well. Enlist your DH as he really needs to address this issue with his mum.

[M22]

goodness you poor thing- MIL are pains aren't they. big hugs to you.

i would just say the hospital has a policy that only 2 people be allowed in. so you DH and your mum.
to be honest- i would just be straight with her and say she makes you uncomfortable and since she has made it obvious she does not want the baby- she is onot to be invloved either way. i did this with my MIL recently and it has sunk in now- she has finally realised tht i wont take her crap and am going to stand up for myself.

swetie, it's not good for you to be stressing like this not good for you and bubs, i would make sure you DH sticks by you too.

[feeb]

Your body your baby YOU decide.

I would NEVER think about having MIL there would not be comfortable with her seeing me naked, and its normal for you to what Your Partner and Your Mum there.

Its your partners baby and your mum brought you into the world and we all want our mums when we r in pain or not feeling well!!

Of course the midwifes will keep her out they like as few as possible around waiting and in room especially.

Tell your MIL that your partner will ring as soon as baby is born and let her know when she can visit.

Good luck hun

[~Kaz~]

hun, that sounds like a really difficult situation for you to be in.

I don't understand why she wants to be there if she is not happy about your pregnancy or actively looking for things to go wrong

I think the midwives can definitely keep her out of your labour room - they have to respect your medical privacy and wishes on something like this. I have been told that they will help me to keep some unwanted visitors away after the birth so I don't see that this is any different. They cannot release information about you to her - it would be such a breach of privacy legislation. You'd probably be surpised at how often they manage situations like this with family members.

Just remember this is YOUR pregnancy, YOUR baby and YOUR labour. You can have whomever you want there and it's your RIGHT to say no to your partners mother and anyone else who puts inappropriate demands on you.

I think if their attitude is that they can say what they want in their own home, you should limit your contact with them to either your home or neutral territory. I would consider limiting your contact with them anyway (if that's possible) because it sounds like they stress you out generally and that's not good for you or bubs. Let your partner go alone. It seems like you've done a lot to try and include her (having her at the ultrasound), and she has had a few months now to get used to the idea and put on a more positive attitude about the baby. Given she hasn't, it might be time to leave her out of things. You need to surround yourself with happy, positive and supportive people. It sounds to me like there could be lots of unresolved issues she has about either herself, her own pregnancy(s), your relationship with her son, the fact that her son(baby) is going to have his own baby????? I dunno but there is something going on there and it probably has very little to do with you personally and says more about her. Mentally give her back her own issues/stuff and don't take it on board!! I'd stop telling her she upsets you too, because that might be what she is after (given you have described her behaviour as manipulative).

Good luck with her. Just be consistent in saying no as often as she brings it up. I wouldn't get into lengthy explanations or emotional discussions about the issue. Just have a couple of simple sentences like "I realise you want to be there, however, I am not comfortable with that and I am just going to have DP and my mum. I hope you can respect my wishes." Keep repeating this - don't change your 'story' and then end the conversation or change topics once you have said it a couple of times in a row. Get your partner to tell her too.

You need to take a stand now about setting your own limits and boundaries with her. If she is this negative about it all during your pg, it's not a foregone conclusion or anything but she might just continue with this type of behaviour after the birth as well. Getting some groundrules down now and her learning that YOU are the mother and YOU make the decisions is essential. As hard as it will be now, if you give in on this issue, it will be that much harder down the track.

Good luck. I really hope you work out a way to maintain some good boundaries with her and I wish you all the best for the remainder of your pregnancy and beyond

[princesswalkee]

Thanks everyone for your comments and suggestions, sometimes i need to be reassured that im not being controling and that i have made a real effort to include her, i just dont get why she wants to be at the birth when she obviously doesnt want this baby, she reckons because of our age ( im 17 and my partner is almost 18) that i planned the pregnancy so that i wont lose him, that is just bull and im just sick of it, i have even got as far as to start having panic attacks when we are suppose to go visit them, which my dr thinks is really bad so i try to stay away for my own health and bubs

[ladybird11]

DP's step mother (and mother in fact) are exactly as you describe. You have my hugest sympathies hun! (Maybe we are in laws or something?? )

Has your relationship always been like this - or is it just since they found out you're expecting?

Both have the 'it's my way or the highway' kind of attitude - however it took awhile but DP stuck to his guns and they learn't we'll do things our way.

The step mother in particular has really backed off (to the point of non exsistence) on us as she is no longer calling the shots. The mother is learning she can't control the way we choose to live life so if she wants to come along for the ride, it's on our terms. Hopefully your DP's parents will adopt either one of those lines of thought. Be supportive and understanding or 'cya later'!

I really feel for you and bubs. I'm glad your DP is standing up to his parents (some guys seem to cower when it comes to their parents, and some girls for that matter too I guess). Keep away from the stress for your own health, and for bubs sake too.

[Footsteps]

god thats sounds like my dps mum in general..terrible i know but his sister wanted to get her sectioned.
you have my deepest sympathy huni.
yes you are young but its your life and your baby.
vent away huni.
xxx

[Toomanytoomany]

Thanks everyone for your comments and suggestions, sometimes i need to be reassured that im not being controling and that i have made a real effort to include her, i just dont get why she wants to be at the birth when she obviously doesnt want this baby, she reckons because of our age ( im 17 and my partner is almost 18) that i planned the pregnancy so that i wont lose him, that is just bull and im just sick of it, i have even got as far as to start having panic attacks when we are suppose to go visit them, which my dr thinks is really bad so i try to stay away for my own health and bubs

Hey, I love my MIL to bits and I don't want her at the birth either! (Not that she's ever suggested it!) You need positive, supportive people around you when you are labouring, you need to be in control. If ever there was a time in your life where you could justify being controlling - this is it!!

This could be a really good time for you to start laying down some boundaries. What does your partner say when she behaves this way? It's really his problem to deal with - an he needs to step up to the plate.

[tenar]

She sounds a little like my sister's mother in law. They ended up moving to a town hours away and not giving her their phone number, to get away from her. She still phones my mother on a regular basis, to complain about stuff, and I am very glad she doesn't have my phone number or home address at all.

I think you need to absolutely refuse to see her. I wouldn't let her know when you go into labor, so she can't turn up at the hospital and hassle people. If you have to use your answering machine to screen calls to stop her from phoning you, do that too.

Your safety and the safety of your baby are at more risk if you feel unsafe or too stressed during the birth. This is because we, like all mammals, have evolved to be able to slow labor, or stop it altogether, if we are in a dangerous situation - our hormones do stuff that would let us get up and run away from danger, but labor has to be slowed to do that, obviously (it's kinda neat when you think about it). So if you feel upset or stressed because someone you dislike is present, the chances are higher that your labor will progress slowly and you'll end up needing more interventions, with associated risks for the baby and for you. I think on this basis alone you should definitely not let this person be near you when you go into labor. Nothing is more important than your baby's safety.

It seems to me that you might also need to be setting precedents for the kind of access your partner's parents will have to the baby. Now would be a good time to start with that. Some people are just too poisonous.

Good luck with sorting it out. I think your instincts are totally right and you should go with them.

*hugs*

[tattoo_mama]

Princesswalkee, now I think is a good time for you to discuss boundaries and rules with your partner. I am 22 and my partner 24 and it took both our sets of parents a couple of months to warm up to the idea of us having a baby, saying we are too young (although im sure in a few yrs they would've had another excuse). We have a sort of opposite situation where my MIL is super nice to the point where my partners neice (partners brothers daughter) is spoilt rotten and we are horrified our child will end up like this in her care ( for example, 1 little whine and she gets icecream before dinner, she is 2 yrs old!!) it is a good idea 2 go thru with your partner and then your MIL some ground rules for the birth, the first few weeks (e.g. Ring if you want to visit, don't just rock up!) and caring for the infant (that is if she wants baby staying at her house occasionally). Otherwise if you leave these topics undiscussed they will arise when you have the baby and are sleep deprived and grumpy! Lol! Good luck hun x

[Liviam]

I'm so sorry that you are in this position but like you already know you do not need anyone in there that will make you uncomfortable as your body will not labour if you do not feel safe. I was looking after a woman in labour who's sister was there and she didn't want her there but didn't want to upset her so she let her come in. Luckily the sister was a smoker so she kept leaving the room. As soon as she left the room the woman's labour/contractions would be nice and strong but as soon as her sister came back in her contractions stopped until she left again. In the end I had to ask her to leave and this woman had her baby within 2 hours. The woman just wasn't comfortable or felt safe enough to labour with her sister there.
Midwives are EXCELLENT BOUNCERS!!! We do not care who we offend as our priority is you, your labour and your baby. Just let your midwife know and she/he will make sure that your partner's mother doesn't get anywhere near your birth suite with your ok.
Best of luck gorgeous. It can be a really difficult time getting some people to accept that you don't want them there. Just remember it is her issue not yours!!!

[kitten76]

Hi Princess,

Its your body, your baby, your birth. How dare people make you feel guilty about the choices you make especially when PG. Set the record straight now or things may get worse when your precious bub arrives.
Goodluck hun

[BekZ]

Just tell her straight out NO she is not to attend. She doesn't care about your feelings so why do you care about hers? Plus you will have a baby soon and she'll want to enforce all sorts of weird ideas about raising your child and yet again you'll have to say No to her for all sorts of things. So if she gets used to you sticking up for yourself now then down the track life maybe easier and you'll both know where you stand.

Sorry I have been so direct but I used to allow people to upset me and take my personal control away, but since being a mum I've learnt too stick up for my own needs and my kids.

[briggsy's girl]

simply say no!

i had this kind of argument with my mum about my labour - i simply dont' want her there - it will be DH, and if he's not home from work (works away) will be SIL. my mum tried guilt, she tried manipulation, she even told me she'd have nothing to do with my baby - i just said fine, your call, but it won't change my opinion. she knows she is not welcome in the room, and better not even think about waiting in the waiting room and making me feel pressured into labour going quicker because she is waiting. hell, i'm even giving birth twice as far from home to avoid it!

it will cause tension no doubt - it took weeks for my mum to "get it" and she still makes snide remarks to people now (most of whom know me and my reasons) - and if i'm in ear shot, she just cops a glare from me. but the reality is your DP's mum obviously has no respect for you OR your partner, and definitely not for your child. you may be young, that doesn't mean dumb. if you want your mum there, it makes sense (esp given your age - no offence!) - but there is no need for your birth to be witnessed by everyone who thinks they should be there!

FWIW - my mum (again - she's a PITA!!) tried this with my SIL with their first child - both bro and SIL stood their ground and said no, so mum said she'd wait in waiting room (poor SIL) - my bro rang me when his wife went into labour to travel 7 hours from Canberra to home so that i could distract my mum and stop her barging in when SIL was in labour. i did it out of respect for him,but i was appalled at the pressure on my SIL and hated that, in a way, me being there contributed to it. when their next was born, i made mum stay home and help me with their first (she was 20 months) to keep her distracted!

tell your DP to keep strong and simply say no - and if there is no respect just don't tell her you're going into labour. make a habit early of screening calls on answering machine, and make it well know that you do it (i do it for all calls now already) - and then she can't "guess" you're in labour. when you're arranging admission at hospital make sure that no one even confirms you've been admitted! outwit her if nothing else!

[princesswalkee]

Hi all thanks for the fantastic advice, my partner is really good about it and does pull her into line but she is really annoyed that i wont let her control me, i had a very controling father and walked away from that and i told her if i wanted to be controled i would let my own parent do it not her. She wont be looking after the baby after it is born as i simply dont trust her, she is a smoker and even now wont stop smoking around me even if i leave the room she follows, and we live with my mum so dp's mum will not visit as my mum and her dont see eye to eye, the only way she will be seeing bubs is in a park or at a family function and there will be no unsupervised visits without myself or dp present, his mother has gotten that bad she called my doctor a bad doctor when she hadnt even met her because i havent had a appointment at the hospital yet, but the thing is the paper work that was faxed while i was still at the doctors surgery didnt go through so it wasnt anyones fault it was jsut a technical glitch and she reckons i cant make good decisions because of it.and she is going on about us not being mature enough and all stiff like that when she was 17 when she had dp, and he wasnt even her first pregnancy, she lost the other one.
Briggsy's girl - i dont take offence to what you said about my age, but i dont think it is just that, my mum and i are really close because for a long time it was just her and me.
DP's parents are just very rude arrogant people, and the worst thing is his grandmother calls us than what ever we have said she rings dp's parents and tells them. it is just too uch drama and so i stay away, she rang dp last night and ask why we havent been out there and he informed her that i wont be going back out there before bubs is born as they are unsafe to be around and that it is not good for me or baby.

[briggsy's girl]

hun, i completely understand that you're close to your mum - esp if you and DP are still living with her. you obviously have a good relationship, mum respects where you're at in life (don't i wish!), and you're entitled to make that choice

it sounds to me like your DP's family are a rather toxic bunch - you want to welcome your baby into a warm and loving environment - and i agree, no unsupervised visits - if she can't respect you and your wishes with you standing there, i doubt it would be any different when you're not around

yeah, you're young, and you've got lots to learn (hell, i'm a lot older than you, and i'm still cr@pping myself about being a mum for the first time) - the main thing you need to learn (and it seems you're well on your way) is that YOU are the mother, YOU are responsible for your child, and nothing anyone else says or does can change that. tell the IL's to go to hell! they are the ones losing out - they'll miss out on seeing their grandchild grow up - and they'll lose a relationship with their son (who sounds like a rather strong and independent 18 year old!)

good luck

BG

[~Kaz~]

I am so glad you are standing up to her and setting boundaries and stuff now. That's great.

Now you just get on with looking after yourself and your growing bubba! You are already making excellent decisions as a mum - your MIL doesn't sound particularly well qualified to judge you in that department!

Take care.