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I can't do this again.
I suppose I just want a vent.
We've had "issues" with dd2 for a very long time. Theft. Truanting. Horrendous attitude. Self harm, eating issues. We've sought support, done the best we can, agonised. She took a year off school last year after beginning year 11, to work at a fast food chain for a while and get some more counselling and sort out her head space. She was actually doing really, really well, seemed to have herself back on track.
Then she decided she wanted to go back to school and do her VCE. She enrolled, and as the start date got closer and closer, her behaviour deteriorated again. Moodiness, stealing again, picking fights with me and dh (who is her stepfather). Then in the last week, since she started school, she's been completely irrational and over the top and rude and awful, and then stole $100 off dh... and it's just escalating back down to where we were a year ago! It feels like all the progress we made has just gone. There was a really ugly scene with her this morning and there's just no getting through at all. She keeps throwing out bizarre proclamations like "Where were you when I needed a mother!" and you can't have a conversation calmly with her at a better time about what's going on, because there's never a better time! She's been spoiling for a fight to give her the excuse to go over the edge for a good while, it feels like.
It seems like as soon life demands more of her than just hanging around at home (albeit being very helpful - she was great with the washing, helping out with the little ones, etc) she completely melts down. She couldn't cope with her job, either and lost it, which was part of the reason she decided to go back to school. Well, sitting at home and doing nothing is not an option!!
I'm going to ring her counsellor and have a talk and let her know what's going on. I've told her (dd) that the methods of acting out that we tolerated with consequences when she was younger are no longer tolerable and she will be asked to leave and I will press charges if she steals again. She's nearly 18. I've also confiscated her house key and she is not allowed in the house without our permission. I suspect she needs to be medicated for depression but she is totally against it.
The last time this all came to a head, I had a breakdown of sorts. We just got the crap with dd1 sorted out, and now this starts, and iI've got a new baby coming and I just want to settle down and be calm for a while... I just don't think I've got it in me to go through all this again.
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Sounds like you definetely(sp) have your hands full. I dont really have any advice as my dd is only 12 but i just wanted to say it sounds as if you have done everything you can to help her get back on track and i think maybe it is time for her to work it out herself. I was having issues with my parents when i was 16 and moved out of home got a job ony to return home within a month.
I probably havent helped you at all.
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Oh I'm so sorry to hear you're dealing with this sort of stress! Especially when you're pregnant. I think it's a great idea to speak with her counsellor, maybe ask if there are any more resources for you to draw on for her at this point in time. Also, it sounds as if she has some resentment etc over life decisions/choices you have made, could you get her counsellor to set up a controlled mediation session with you so she can voice whatever it is that's bugging her?
Is there another option for her to get her VCE, instead of in a school environment? I'm thinking of one of those TAFE courses where you can do some vocational stuff as well as the core high school studies - it's a pretty supportive educational environment, and it might suit her better than a traditional classroom, kwim? It might be early enough in the year to make the change now too.
In the meantime, i think you are doing the right thing by being firm with some of those boundaries.
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oops double post.
Last edited by AnyDream; February 12th, 2009 at 02:03 PM.
Lucy in the sky with diamonds.
Aaah, yes I've been having the same sort of irrational "conversations" with DD all this week. Its ridiculous.
I have also taken the keys, she has a bungalow out the back and if she wants to come in and do her washing or EAT, she can watch her REVOLTING attitude toward the rest of the family. Is there something in the air???
Are there any alternative schools around?
XOXOXOXO You sister in teen stress....
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MD, that's not a bad idea, a group counseling session. Her tempers and outbursts tell me that she wants to tell me something but isn't able to find an appropriate way of doing it. And I really *am* keen to hear what it is that's bothering her particularly, and to be honest, I want her to hear what I'm dealing with too, when it comes to her outbursts!! We've already had one joint session that was very good.
I was very unsure about her returning to this school to do her VCE but she was adamant - I think there is a certain amount of pride involved. She wants to succeed at this school. She wants to finish something.
I am in a bind as far as her doing her VCE some other way because after she flunked out last year, and then decided she wanted to go back, I told her that this was the last time I'd be funding her changing her mind. We had already tried different schools before hand, even going into debt at a private school setting her up, only to have her decide she didn't want to go, or truant. I told her she needed to be sure because if she was going to change course midstream, the next time she'd need to get a job and pay for it herself.
I feel like I've run around in circles trying to fix things for her for so many years, doing everything I can to meet her needs, and now I feel like she needs to start taking the initiative herself, kwim? She's been given all these chances, all the support, now she needs to start working with it all.
I should mention, she is extremely bright, a gifted student, highly emotional, and she and her elder sister had quite an unsettled early childhood as their bio-dad left early, and he's come and gone through their lives a lot and that has been very disruptive for them. Dd2 has been dealing with emotional issues of one sort or another since she was a toddler.
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It's always a relief to hear other people going through the same thing.
Aaah, yes I've been having the same sort of irrational "conversations" with DD all this week. Its ridiculous.
I have also taken the keys, she has a bungalow out the back and if she wants to come in and do her washing or EAT, she can watch her REVOLTING attitude toward the rest of the family. Is there something in the air???
Are there any alternative schools around?
XOXOXOXO You sister in teen stress....
I mean, "Where were you?" Geesh, most of my emotional energy has been sucked towards her for years. I've been right there, while she's been busy hating me.
Lucy in the sky with diamonds.
Oh cop this then - "you are a disgusting mother and you hit your own children". Ummm, I have a well known stance against smacking and she knows it. AND "you leave SOFT PORN pictures of yourself around for your children to see"..... well that would be the professional shots that were taken when I was about 25. 90% of them were clothed (and framed on my mums piano actually), and a few in my knickers and bra - I found the proofs in a cleanout the other day and Dp and I were fondly remembering the days of perky bosoms....
I can't roll my eyes enough. Have you had a look at the Tough Love Website? Parentline is excellent for a debrief/sounding board too xoxoxo
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Oh goodness, you poor thing! And then you wonder what on earth they are telling their teachers, counsellors, etc... and what the world must think of you through their eyes!!
Lucy in the sky with diamonds.
School counsellor called today - tells me I'm doing a great job - HA!
I just want to send you a hug - a long squishy understanding one...
Mothering daughters is not all its cracked up to be sometimes...I have a difficult one too - she is almost 14.
Just know that I think you are a wonderful Mama - for putting in so much love and compassion. Take some time out for you - you are growing another little person and you need to surround yourself with love and support.
I think you need to be firm with her - really firm. Group counselling sounds like the go from my experience it helps. My DD has Aspergers - so getting thru on a "caring" level is hard. My language just bugs the poo out of her - I am too "touchy feely". Too "spacy"... Too "wierd". My next DD (6) thinks that I smell like roses all the time & I can't do anything wrong!!! It's hard - and all I know is we just have to live thru it - & trust that this is another of those life lessons that we are being shown...
Just know my thoughts and prayers and the "sisterhood" are with you...
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TM...sounds very similar to DS1 who is 15. He was adamant he wasn't going back to school this year and by law he could get an exemption if he had work more than 25 hrs a week or an apprenticeship (how stupid is our govt)... anyway, I knew he was too lazy to look so wasn't too concerned. He's back at school, but guess what....he's already on a weeks suspension! He thinks he's a law unto his own. We got a letter from translink (which is the trains etc here) and he's going to be in big trouble if he gets caught again without a ticket, and we told him we are NOT paying the fine if he gets it and he can do community service but he doesn't care. He is moody, rude and speaks to me like I'm crap. Then he can be so nice. He's lost 2 jobs since Sept cos he doesn't care, he wants to be out hanging out with his mates. As for counselling, he won't be in that at all, thinks he has no issues and if I ask what's bugging him I get "it's complicated". I have to nag him constantly to even pick up his dirty clothes or have a shower....I'M OVER IT TOO!!
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Flowerchild, thanks for the hugI've been pretty stern but still loving, and I think she's realised I'm not going to get in a tangle this time. (Thank God for my therapist!)
Ozzie, it sounds like you are really dealing with a difficult situation. It's so hard at their age, isn't it, you really have so little leverage over them. I think the hardest thing is to watch them take life's lumps, and not step in and try to make it right for them.
I also think some of the issues with dd2 (and probably with dd1 who left home earlier this year) are because I'm having another baby, and they are at adulthood, and it has confused some roles for them. I'm a very young mother compared to their friends - most of their friends' parents are well into their forties and fifties. I think that has "dominance" issues for them, iykwim.
BellyBelly Life Subscriber
I don't think there is a teenager out there who doesn't know how to turn on you and blame you for their problems. I got the 'you were never there for me' assault on many occasions too, yet I felt like all I was doing for a long time was try to be there while I was actively being pushed away.
I think she may be scared, scared of going back and trying again, and maybe not succeeding again.
No excuse I know and she probably won't admit it, but trying and failing is scary to a teen, esp at a time when, at this age, she should be feeling like she's capable of anything she set her mind to. And I bet she can't even articulate what it is she's scared of, or even knows that what she's feeling is fear.
I don't know how you can reach her. I'm in even sure she wants you to reach her. So I'll send you plenty of hugs and hope she figures it out and you aren't driven off the edge as a result.
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Toomanytoomany
I am a youth worker and have worked with many young people like this.
There is a program down there call Youth Insearch that I use to work for that has a great reputation for working with young people like this. PM me and I can give you the details.
Like it was also suggested, maybe finishing school in an environment like TAFE??? Is there anything she wants to do when she finishes...maybe an apprenticeship/traineeship????
I know its hard (i used to be one of these types of kids) but it does work out in the end. Shes at a stage where shes probably feeling like shes not yet and adult and not a child anymore.
It sounds to mee like you are doing a great job and doing everything that you can do. Peserve, but also make sure you look after yourself. I'm sending you lots and lots of hugs. xxx
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Thank you Sushee! When I got that comment the other day, it actually comforted me that what was going on was not a "real" problem between her and me, funnily enough. It was just so blatantly untrue and such a distorted image of how things have been, that it reassured me that she is wrestling with internal demons and I didn't blame myself. That was a massive step forward for me, and it was good.
Jennjorja, thank you for that advice! I will pm you. Coincidentally, just as I was opening this thread, my dd rang me at work and told me she's made an appointment to see her counsellor this week
BellyBelly Member
Hey guys, can so sympathise. I actually got "you are stealing my childhood" from DD1 (14) about giving her chores to do. Hell my kids have lots less to do that what I ever did!!!! I am a fairly easy going mum but I am not giving in to the emotional blackmail anymore and have gotten hard with her. She is also going through anorexia atm which doesn't help.
Ozzie - try reading "Raising Boys" by Steve Biddulph, it is excellent and explains so much. My eldest DS is 10 and is starting to cause havoc. After reading the book I now understand what is going on. Did you know that at 14/15 boys have 800% more testosterone in their system than at any other time. This causes the moodiness, being angry all the time, hyperactivity and all sorts. I can highly recommend the book.
Hope we can all cope with the teenage angst lol
Hugs and more hugs to us all
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is vce by corrospondance and her continuing to work casualy an option ? if she would stick to it .
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