Bridesmaids Dress - an awful one :( i'm the bridesmaid

[Manhattan]

bicep curls!! what the, I'd be doing lots just so Id have the strenght to strangle her

Sararose!

[briggsy's girl]

Thankyou so much for your support ladies.

I sent her an email yesterday to suggest a wrap - on the basis that it would look a little classier and she has told me to do some bicep curls!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now I really want out.

ummm, irrespective of whether you like the dress style, whether you can go to all her "days" - i'd be stepping out with this comment. it shows an EXTREME lack of respect to you. you had a baby only months ago - what the hell is she thinking? you're supposed to be there to support her, not to be this goddess that has trimmed up to look perfect just for HER big day. you are YOU, and you aren't comfy flashing your arms the way they are, who the hell is she to comment


grrrrrrrrr

[Glamourcide]

^ yeah, that lol...
What next, is she going to demand that all her bridesmaids stump up for a quick lunchtime botox/lipo session in order to fit her ideal of what a model bridesmaid should look like? As BG said, you had a baby not very long ago - God forbid you don't have personal chefs, endless nannies and a personal-trainer-to-the-stars (or just a husband who happens to be a cosmetic surgeon) to whip you back into shape in a few weeks!!

What a rude, insensitive and downright disrespectful thing to say to someone. Especially someone who is a friend, and apparently a good enough friend to have been MOH at one point.

[chocolatecatty]

Wow. What a sucky situation. Hope the stress is not affecting your milk supply or anything! That's a sure sign to back out of a wedding!

If the dresses are being tailor made for you then I'd be asking the tailors opinion (which I imagine will match yours) and getting the tailor to tell the Bride that a longer length is much more flattering. And flipping heck, I imagine all the bridesmaids are different heights, so a different dress length is hardly going to be obvious. Far less obvious than the look of discomfort on your face if you have to wear a knee length number! I don't understand why they would all have to be exactly the same length....I would if one was a mini skirt length and another was floor length, but if it's a matter of a few inches....pfff to this 'same length or die' rule!

It's always good to remember that the Bride is probably under a lot of stress (hate to play the devil's advocate!!) and if she 'loses' you as a freind (worst case scenario) she'll be looking back in 6 months time and thinking 'what the heck was I thinking??? Dress length?!!'.

In saying that....devils advocate again.....could you go try on a strapless, knee length dress just to totally confirm your opinion? Lol, if you have a spare hour or two...which I imagine you don't!

I'd recommend writing her an email re. being demoted. It's an emotional subject so I'd say to write rather than speak to her face to face....unless you're both calm people. It's a legitimate reaction you had and telling her about it will either make it a better, more honest relationship, or will (sadly) prove to you it's not worth pursuing.

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

I had my bridesmaids pick the dress. I told them the colour (dark green dresses and gold shoes and stole with a single white rose carried) and that was OK. The three of us picked the dress together and it was a pattern the girls liked but was my 3rd choice. I'd rather have them happy tbh.

I thought the role of the bridesmaid was to hold the bouquet, sit at the head table and look good on my pictures. Also help arrange my dress if it mussed up a bit. That's what my girls did. I did tell them I wanted their hair in French Knots and French Manicured fingernails, although Mum paid for that (sister and cousin for bridesmaids).

I didn't give them an exercise routine! Although my cousin didn't cut her hair off as she wanted until after the wedding, but I didn't know she wanted it off until I saw her again a few months later, that was her choice (my sister had short hair and didn't want to grow it then so just bought fake hair that clipped onto her own on the day).

Now I want to get married again just to see how far I can push it. Exercise routines, dictating on them making stuff for me, being rude... I wanna have fun!

[Jennifer13]

Hi Kitt3n!

I'm not trying to play Devil's advocate here, really, but I'd like to suggest NOT replying to her email.

It's so easy to dash off an email without thinking how it sounds at the other end. She might have meant her comment to be humourous, but because she isn't looking at you when she said it, she doesn't realise it's insensitive and hurtful so soon after you've had a baby. So don't send an email back. Sit down with her, face to face and explain how you feel.

You guys have been friends for a long time. I know you're hurt about being 'demoted' but really, if she'd just asked you to be BM in the first place would you have been upset? She may be trying to deal with others who are less understanding than you and has taken it for granted that you'll be okay with it, because you're such good friends.

Do you really think she's that unreasonable that a sit down over lunch and a good heart-to-heart about the whole thing (including the dress) won't help to settle things? If she is, are you really GOOD friends? If not, then you probably have nothing to lose by telling her you don't feel comfortable being her BM at all.

FWIW I've been bridesmaid twice and the first dress was absolutely hideous, the second nice enough (but never worn again) and if I ever get married (one day) I'll let my sisters choose their own dresses that they can wear again if they want to. I'm not even sure if I care about the colour scheme - I'll just be so delighted that DP finally decided he wanted to get married!

[Doing my best]

I don't think the bride should be that demanding!

I had 4 totally different shaped bridesmaids, so I bought the material (crepe back satin), pattern that could be made 5 ways for top and bottom, and told them I didn't care what they had as long as they had satin on top and crepe on bottom. I also asked for black closed in shoes, whatever they felt in comfy in. They all had a ball cause they were comfy and liked what they were wearing. My cousin even wore hers to her formal later that year. 3 had strapless (cause my dress was strapless) and 1 girl had straps. Didn't bother me at all and all looked great in the photos

It might be her wedding day, but the bridesmaids need to be comfy too. I wanted everyone to have fun, hence why I let them have say in what they wore.

[Kitt3n]

well its taken me a week to come and let you all know what happened but here goes.

we were supposed to have them over that saturday for dinner - but I was still sick with the flu and just wasnt up to it, so we postponed. Its really hard to just meet up with her for coffe as she is so busy - we actually booked this date in months ago. So then last saturday (when we postponed it to) DH had a last minute job come up (he has a new IT business of his own) so I had to cancel again. I got a rather sharp message back to say "what he works evenings?" when she knows full well we are trying to get his business off the ground.

So I tried to call her on snday but no answer. 5 minutes later i got a message saying "at family dinner cant talk". She couldnt even say "sorry missed your call".... it just upset me more. So didnt bother trying to call again, left it up to her.

Monday I get a text message "not busy at work this morning please call me so we can work this out". I was out shopping and didnt realise i got this til we were on the bus back home. So sent her a message to ask if she was still going to be free but she was leaving at 12.

Then i get a message "you need to let me know if you want to be in my wedding or not".

I sent her a message back, "i wanted to talk to you, not sms or email. It was so lovely to be asked to be made your MOH, you made me so happy. Now it just doesnt feel right. I really dont know how I would be able to it breastfeeding Matisse but somehow I was going to do it cos i love you so much. But then you called me to tell me you were changing your MOH. I have tried not to let it get to me but it really has . If I asked you to step down from being godmother just because I wanted a husband and wife to be coupled i think you would be pretty hurt too. I dont want to stress you out bella, your wedding should be everything you dream it to be, i just dont feel right being part of it anymore. There arent the right words, I cant think of the right words, I love you with all my heart bella xox"

And basically the reply was that if i loved her i would be grateful to have been asked at all.

well, f that.That comment was IT!

She doesnt want to be my friend any more because I have pulled out.

It has made me so sad, I have never cried because of a friendship before! But, I feel kinda free. And my boobs are much fuller so I guess it was messing with my supply!

Its so sad to lose someone who I thought i would know forever. But its just not fair to be spoken to like that, so I did what I had to do

[Glamourcide]

Aww hun *hugs*
I'm sorry your friend is being so unreasonable. And, seriously... she is being unreasonable. You should have been 'grateful' to have been asked in the first place? Well, bless my cotton socks, I'm sorry I didn't get down on my knees and kiss your toes, right?

I hope she regains her sanity once all this wedding business is over and done with and realises how hurtful and inconsiderate she has been acting towards you. I'm sure she will... and if her behaviour towards you has been any indicator, I'd bet there are quite a few of her friends who right now are fuming and she will wake up to herself after the honeymoon and wonder if it was worth alienating people who are important to her.

No real advice, just wanted to congratulate you on being so diplomatic, I don't know if I would have been able to be so articulate - I would have gone off my nut and said things I regret!! You have conducted yourself with class, put your needs (ie, your bub's) first and if she cannot find it within herself to deal with that, then it truly is her loss and if she asks forgiveness later on, it's up to you to decide whether the friendship is worth salvaging.

I hope you're feeling okay, just wanted to give you a hug and congratulate you on doing your absolute best to compromise, despite being met with brick walls every which way you turned.

[Tinks]

I think both of you are hurt and upset - Her for you bowing out of the bridal pary and you for being 'demoted'. You really need to speak to her in person about this if you want to salvage your friendship.

[Bathsheba]

Oh Kitt3n I agree with Gothmum that you have done all that you could do in an unworkable situation.... and what's more you did it with integrity... so well done It's fantastic that you were able to combine honesty, affection, dismay and assertiveness in your message (but a shame you weren't able to speak to her in person). Such a tricky thing to do when emotions are running high. Know that you dealt with this with maturity... mourn the possible end of friendship but know that you did the right thing.... let some time pass... all might not be lost... see what happens when the dust settles after the wedding.

[Just Me]

you are in a tough situation and it is so hard to lose a friendship. I agree with Tinkerbell - I think both of you are hurting. Your friend is being unreasonable, but she sounds hurt too (not that I think it is your fault at all - you have to stand up for yourself) but she has lost a friend too and she might not know how to fix the problem either. I don't know where you both go from here but I do feel for you and for your friend.

I really hope that you can work something out that you are both happy with .

[Lilly-Pilly]

Kitt3n, i COMPLETELY understand how you are feeling and whats going on, because like i said earlier I was in the exact same position, but different reasons why i wanted to step down and not be part of the wedding.

Like you, i tried so tactfully and nicley to explain my situation to her, after stressing out and then getting angry, then stressed again for MONTHS over it

Her reaction was exactly the same. We'd been friends for 13 years before that.

Since then, we haven't spoken again. She made it clear to me (by deleting me and blocking me on facebook!! *very mature*) that our friendship was over.

As sad as it was to end such a long and close friendship, i too felt a weight lifted off me. Its sad to say i actually haven't missed our friendship that much since i realised alot of it was one sided. My friend always expected me to put myself out and come to her place, she'd never come to mine. She was very demanding about the day and time we caught up, always had to fit in with her, basically she was quite selfish, but i never saw this at the time.

Sometimes friendships run their course, sometimes after time it all gets sorted out. Sometimes it takes a particular event to speed things along. In the end, a friendship shouldn't make you feel stressed out and upset and "hard work" like it has been for you. You really really really tried hard to make her happy and do what you could for the wedding, and she didn't really really really do much to understand your position at all.

Don't beat yourself up over it, i know its hard, but you were kind and caring in the way you dealth with it, and i know how it feels to have it thrown back in your face.

[sunshine_sieben]

I haven't read all the responses, but here is my personal opinion:
I don't get the whole bridesmaid thing and the controlling bridezilla attitude.
I only had one "bridesmaid" (witness) and she was allowed to wear whatever she wanted. Yes, it was mine and DH's day. But my bridesmaid is my best friend in the whole wide world. And I wanted her to feel good and enjoy the day. In my opinion, the role of a bridesmaid is to support the bride and help her plan the big day. Not to be some puppet you send down the aisle looking utterly ridiculous so that the bride looks even more beautiful next to her.
But then again, I have a very different approach to weddings as seems to be common here in Aus. To me, it was about having a big party and celebrate with friends and family a new chapter in my and DH's lives and not some sort of production I perform for my guests. I have been to those types of weddings, and they were indeed beautiful, but not my thing.
I have a friend who tried for over 2 years to get pregnant. She was so upset that it wasn't happening and all her good friends knew about that. Her "best friend" asked her to be her BM. And shortly after my friend agreed, she found out that she was finally pregnant and would be 6 months along at her friend's wedding. Rather than being ecstatic for her, this friend was so upset that she could be so "inconsiderate" as to fall pregnant before her big day. WTF? She made my friend feel horrible by telling her how because of her, the photos won't look that good. A wedding is about sharing this special day with your loved ones, not to take beautiful photos.

Anyway, sorry for this rant..
I would be very open with her. Tell her that you are flattered to be in her bridal party (even though you have been demoted). But tell her that you won't be comfortable in the dress design she has chosen and that you won't be able to enjoy the day. Ask her if it is possible to make a few changes and if she does not want to cooperate at all, then offer to bow out and support her and her planning without officially being in the bridal party. I reckon, if you use the same material for your dress as the other bridesmaids, a few minor changes wouldn't make too much of a difference. It will still look sort of uniform. Actually, I have been to a few weddings where the bridesmaids all wore dresses in slightly different styles, flattering the individual body shapes, but made from the same fabric. And it looked gorgeous. Similarly, I have seen bridal parties wearing the same design, same fabric, but in different colours (ie. all pastels or all metallics) and that looked alright, too.

Regarding the commitments, just tell her that as much as you are happy to be her bridesmaid, you are a mother first and foremost and you will give her as much time as you can spare, but of course you can't neglect your commitment as a mother, either.

Regarding your feelings about being demoted, you can of course tell her. I'm sure she'll understand. And it might help you with your feelings of resentment. But I personally would be too proud and too polite to say it to her. I would pretend that I'm above such petty jealousy, which of course, I wouldn't be

I hope you and your friend will sort this out. it would be such a shame for your friendship to suffer from something like this.

Sasa

[Nelle]

Well done on a hard decision. I guess your friend forgot that part of being a friend is to be friendly.

[sunshine_sieben]

Oh, just read about your text messaging with your friend. How sad that she is being so, well, childish. I think the way you worded your text was very nice but to the point. I hope she'll get over herself and realise what kind of a friend she has in you. Maybe a little time and distance will help both of you to get past this and reconnect.
Sasa

[Floweryfields]

I just don't understand why brides do this - or perhaps I do - they want to look the best on the day - so if you got ugly knees and wobby arms, all the better for her!!!
Seriously though, I've been to weddings where the bride was flexible and chose styles that suited her girls, I've been to weddings where they chose fashion over what suited and still have visions of the stretch marks on the roll hanging over the top of a very tight strapless gown on one of the bridesmaids which clearly didn't suit her shape. I mean the girl couldn't help that but someone with sense should've said something about a more suitable dress - might add these weren't off the rack but custom made dresses too.
I also work with someone who was bridesmaid to a bridezilla in Feb - which is not that long ago - and she has fallen out via text message with the bride too. She is kicking herself for ever agreeing to it to begin with.
To me, you should be able to look back at those photos in 25 years and still have fond memories and hopefully a friendship with that person - a dress is just not worth it.

[roses]

This is why I had no bridesmaids...just two flowergirls (my nieces) who were perfect...I figured that as I was in my 30's that my friends deserved to enjoy the day, not have responsibilites and NOT have to wear matching dresses! Turned out it was the best decision I ever made. I was a adult when I got married and I could handle the day on my own.......don't worry....it still had some hiccups like my father and I argueing about whether or not I should take my mobile.....I took it....funny to look back now and laugh but at the time I did bite my tounge quite a bit.

Sorry to seem like I'm hijacking ......I'm not.....I think your approach has been fine so far. But if you do want the friendship to continue then be honest with her. You will not forgive yourself later on.....far easier to forgive your friend that forgive yourself!