Desperately need help with 5 year old behaviour

[Sim]

I know it might be somthing you don't want to hear, but I would be taking her to a GP for a referral. There are many things this could be - she might be just playing games, enticing you into a power struggle. Is she bright? - I'm guessing so.

Additives in her diet may be contributing - a good book to get is "Additive Alert" - this is beneficial even if not causing her tantrums.

Like the other girls have suggested - it could be more. I'm a teacher and have come across a lot of defiant kids, that have underlying problems. Once diagnosed and treated accordingly (not just talking drugs, more about appropriate behaviour modification) they respond quickly and everybody is happier. The things that come to my mind are Autism (ASD) and, ADD and ADHD as well as Emotional Disturbance/Conduct Disorder. I know they sound terrible, but - the compulsive thing gives a hint. Lots of these kids are really bright and their way of dealing with sensory overload is to react in a way we see as extreme. I'm not saying that is what it is, but it is worth ruling out if it is causing you both to be unhappy.

As you say that you are separated, the behavour may be stemming from this as well. Even if you have been separated for a while. Sometimes kids that seem to deal with it well at the time, implode down the track. (or in her case explode!)

It could also be her way of communicating to you that there is something else going on in her life that she doesn't know how to tell you about.

I know it sounds doom and gloom, but I'm really just throwing out possibilities that I commonly see in students (mind you I'm a high school teacher). The best advice I can give is start with a GP for a referral to a ped, OT, Counsellor anyone that can possibly point you in the right direction. You should have moments of grief - that's normal of all kids - but you shouldn't be at the point of not really liking her and feeling frustrated, then feeling guilty, as I'm guessing you do.

I hope this doesn't sound too horrible. I hope you both enjoy each other's company more soon. The best thing is that you are dealing with it and not sticking your head in the sand. It sounds as if you are doing a great job and obviously love your little one very much - if you didn't you wouldn't care so damn much when she was naughty. Best wishes.