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Thread: Desperately need help with 5 year old behaviour

  1. #37

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    Thanks again for your replies

    Nickel, i despise ironing and I rarely EVER do except i can't stand jeans not ironed. Ashlea could tell me her clothes aren't ironed even if they;d just come back from the dry cleaners perfectly streamed!!! I don't give into her wanting clothes ironed else she wouldnt put a thing on ever unless she'd watched me iron it first!

    Suprisingly, since the post the other day when i was going insane, she's been a perfect angel. After writing the post and on the verge of a meltdown we had a big chat about stuff and she was saying 'but i have been good or I will be good' I explained that it never lasts, shes good when she wants something blah blah blah. we talked calmly together for a good half hour and she's been great since. Listening, no tantrums, helping clean, getting dressed etc.

    When she's being good she is the most well spoken, well mannered, polite kind caring princess. When she's not shes a monster!

    I definatley want to still see someone, clinical psychologist etc cause I know it is her temperamant and behaviour and it isn't all fixed cause of her good behaviour for a few days.

    Nickel, Ashlea always hates jackets in winter too. All the other kids were all rugged up and ash was in a thin long sleeved top. i understand completey!


  2. #38

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    oh thats a relief Dee. When I first did my parenting de-brief suddenly Matilda was well behaved for weeks. It was very strange, made me feel silly for being so close to the edge.

  3. #39

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    Its funny isn't it Christy, the same thing happened the very first time I posted here.

    I think that for me once I have posted and finally spilt out all my thoughts and frustrations about it that I bottle up for ages, it relaxes me and calms me enough to deal and cope with Ashlea and her moods much better.

    Ashlea is off to school tomorrow and hopefully this is exactly what she needs. All her kinder and day care teachers have been saying since she first turned 4 she was ready for school. Even the maternal health care nurse said she desperatley needs school but is too young (at the time)

    She is a very smart little cookie and is getting bored at the moment, hopefully the extra stimulation will help her (or hopefully exhaust her so much by the end of the say she wont have the eneregy to argue)

    Plus, she loves her school clothes and cant wait to wear them abd thank god for me cause it reduces the choices in the mornings. Shoes and socks will be much easier when she HAS to wear them, she adores her school shoes and I got 8 pairs of white plain exactly the same ankle socks to make it less of a drama.

    Actaully, last time shoes became such a big problem I got her some black 'school shoes' and i never had another problem with shoes after that. tomorrow she gets her new ones!
    Woohoo

  4. #40

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    YAY! How exciting

  5. #41

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    Update: Another meltdown this morning, once again over clothes. So far its been okay cause she has no problem at all with school clothes. Wednesday is a day off school for the preps and I had jobs to do and we were getting ready to go. Then comes the clothes drama. She ended up on the floor screaming cause i made her wear the clothes i picked. she had picked her own clothes and even they weren't right so in the end i said stuff it this is what your wearing.

    So she's screaming in time out, then statrts yelling how horrible I am and that she doesnt want to live here anymore. So i smack her. so she screams, and I said you either stop or you're not going to the birthday party on friday, so she screams MORE. I walked away and went to call the Doc to make an app to see about a referal to a psychologist and she heard me. In the background all the receptionsit could hear was my 5 years old screaming like she was being beaten up. I was so embarrassed.

    Anyway, ended up in us both crying AGAIN.

    Took her to the docs and got the referal so thats the next step. So not coping with this same issue after 4 years

  6. #42

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    'lo Dee... been following your probs on and off... is she going ok at school? Is she doing what the teachers ask and accepting the boundaries( cause there are usually plenty of them) What happens if you don't make a fuss about clothes ... go as you are kinda thing... wear your pj's if needs be ? What i'm thinking ( amd i'm prob way wrong) is about clothes or being told ? I'm thinking of my own daughter who is nearly 15 now ... i just don't go there she has her own style which i don;t like but it's easier to accept than fight over it. Good luck with the specialist...
    keep your chin up and do something lovely for yourself when she's at school tomorrow
    xxx

  7. #43

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    Hi Annie, Ash is doing fantastic at school, she is and always has been fantastic at school and daycare. At day care they were forever telling me how wonderful she was, always the first to offer help, looks out for the other kids, etc. At school one of the reading mums came up to tell me how she is flying through spelling and learning her words and stuff, so on that side of it she is doing wonderfully.

    The clothes thing has been ongoing since she was 10 months old. At that age there is no way its a power struggle or about doing what she is told. I happily let her pick her own clothes and don't care what terrible things she puts together. The issue is SHE picks clothes, then as she is putting them on she gets upset cause they aren't right and goes to pick more, but ends up getting upset cause she hates everything (even the ones she picked herself at the shops) In the end after 20 mins of her carrying on i don't have the time to wait another 20 mins just for her to pick clothes. Thats where i step in and say pick your clothes and get dressed or I pick them for you. Then she loses it.

    On the upside her eating has gotten much better. Tonight she scoffed 2 huge bowls of tuna pasta, the other night a platefull of chops and salad, and another night 3 whole taco's stuffed with meat and salad.

    Its really mainly the clothes thing now, and anyone (mum, sis, DP, her dad etc) all agree its not normal for a kid to be like this. I'm seriously going to record the next time she does it and take it with me to the app to show them EXACTLY what I mean. People meet her and think she is the most perfect angel, shes polite and well mannered, well spoken, kind and caring. They don't believe me when i explain to them what shes like. And i do admit myself most of the time I am very proud of her, she's growing up into a beautiful little girl.......she just HATES clothes!

  8. #44

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    hi dee.... thank goodness school is a breeze for both of you .... best of luck with the specialist. Sounds like a video camera would be a great idea. I really, really hope someone can come up with some answers or some strategies for you!
    xxxxx

  9. #45
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    Hi DEE...
    I've been reading your postings... i hope you don't mind if I pop in on the subject. I would seek a second opinion from a pedicatric doctor about the sensory processing idea. I have that same problem... my socks have to be lined up across my toes perfectly... i can feel if there is a hair inside my shirt... i can feel the tags if i don't clip them off... my shoes have to be tied with just the right tightness... my husband cannot touch my hair softly... i have to check the sheets in the bed to make sure there is not any hair that may have fallen off my head the night before . The sensation of what these things feel like is hard to explain... except its like when someone is tickling you and won't stop.... you can feel it all over your body and it hurts. And the strangest thing about it is that somedays it is more bothersome to me than other days. Which could be why somedays she is ok wearing the clothes and other days she doesn't want to. I did to my mom what Ashlea is doing to you. My mom did not know what to do but to take all of the tags off of everything. She also switched to detergent without perfumes and dyes. Turning the socks inside out helps alot because you can't feel the seem against the toes. But, because it has been ongoing since Ashlea was 10 months old i don't think it started as a power struggle, but over time maybe she has learned to make it one. She knows she has control over what she wears and how she feels. have you talked to her about what her clothes FEEL like when she doesn't want to wear them??? Tell her that you will do what she needs you to do to make them feel right to her. I'm glad the food thing has improved for you and her.... that is another thing... i won't eat many foods, not because of the taste, but because of the texture, and different textures can definately not mix! UGH... i'm making myself out to sound like a freak... but really i live a very productive and good life... I am married and have 3 children. My middle son shows some of these issues, but i just change the way his socks are sitting on his feet and then he's fine... i just have to make a few modifications. But like i said... see if it is a sensory issue. I don't know what the doctors will say to do about it. I don't take any medications because i would rather just deal with it than take drugs. Hopefully this will help to see it from an adult's point of view ~tara

  10. #46

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    Tara, Thankyou SO SO much for you post and insight. To hear someone who actually *HAS* sensory processing issues makes me think that after all this time i know its not just in my head. Try explaining to a doc or person who sees a perfect angel sitting there just what happens when its time to get dressed. Most people pass it off as a 'kid' thing.

    I was certain it had to do with sensory processing and was actualy suprised when the paed. told me she was fine after us discussing everything for so long. To me, having worked with so many kids for so many years, i knew it wasn't 'normal behaviour'

    I agree totally about the power struggle, although it may not have started as one cause of the age thing, it may have turned into one.

    Thankyou so much for yu post, its really helped

  11. #47
    mommy of 3 Guest

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    You're welcome Dee

    keep me posted.

  12. #48

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    Yeah it's nice to know it's not YOUR fault hey Dee! You know, you must wonder if people are thinking - well if she just did this then her daughter would be fine! Christy gets that a fair bit too, it's not fair because even if that strategy worked for them and Ashlea it doesn't work for you and Ash.
    Keep going, you are doing well and it's great that she behaves at school, etc. at least you know she can. She obviously feels very comfortable with you (!) and able to explore whatever her issue is!
    What does your ex-idiot,oops ex-husband do when she does this? or does she not do it for him? which would maybe rule out the sensory thing, or maybe ? it is your washing powder, or something??? It couldn't be that simple! Yeah, I think asking her when she's calmer what it is about the clothes that she didn't like would be good. Difficult for her to put it into words, but keep going!

    You're a legend mummy!! She is SOO going to reward you even more when she's older, you guys are going to be great mates. Is she anal? control freak at all?

  13. #49

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    Nickel, Ashy's dad (not ex husband, i was never silly enough to marry him, and ex idiot is much more appropraite anyway!) doesn't really know how to handle it, but she definately does it for him too, and grandparents etc. Her dad doens't spend enough time with her cause he lives 3 hours away, i moved away from him, but there are some issues with us going up there at the moment so he onle comes down every 3 weeks or so.

    She tells me when we talk about the clothes that it 'does feel right and it feels horrible and its irritating. She hates the feel of 3/4 pants on her legs, she doesnt mind it at her ankles though' We always sit down after a meltdown when we are both calm and talk about what happened.

    She is very anal and pedantic about how things should be and has a short fuse for when things go wrong (god i wonder where she gets that from!)

    It can't be the washing power cause i change that all the time. Its more particular clothes, eg anything 3/4 lenght, there are socks she likes and socks she hates, i dont know what the diff is between them, but she does. some shoes are okay with socks, but not stockings, other shoes she will wear with stockings and others not with socks at all. There must be something in it though because once she has decided that 'these shoes aren't ok to wear with stocking' she never ever forgets it

    I still strongly believe its something to do with sensory processing. I was also talking to Danni about how i've been at bit flat for a few weeks and its always harder then cause i'm not in the right head space to deal with it, so rather than being able to stop the meltdowns before they get out of control, i meltdown too! Feeling a bit better now and we've had a few good days which is nice

  14. #50

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    Smile

    yeah it really does sound like sensory processing thing - thank god it's a real thing and someone who actually posts it has it.

    and you so hang in there! Remember when everyone melts down that you are more than entitled to, as you doing are doing the job of two parents. So no guilt there, it's always harder to be patient and realistic about things when one is tired, I've handed discipline/decisions about my oldest DD to my DH today, as we've been arguing all day (my DD and me), as soon as I said "That's nice, but ask Daddy he's in charge of you today" she went off and has been playing beautifully every since... WTF! AAAAAH!
    Anyway, very keen to see what happens and how you go with the whole sensory thing, remember you know your daughter best and if some practitioner doesn't listen to you, ifyou can get another one!

    I just asked re. ex-idiot to see if it was a "consistent" or non-environmental thing. It definitely sounds like it's how the clothes feel whatever her reasons.

    Reading between the lines, she does sound great though! I just know her and my eldest would have a ball together!

  15. #51

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    Dee,
    I reqally agree whole heartly with what Monnie has written throughout her posts to you. Thanks for not making me have type lots on here! LOL

    Defaintly seek out the issues around sensory processing, they play such an important role in a child's development, and whether they are over or under stimulated as well.

    Im not a mother yet, but am an educator. Ive been going yep. thats so and so. From working closely with a parent during a long time case, the main thing I gained is not to be tricked into being "bated" by the child.And to remove an emotional response. I have worked with children where you were told things that in your own mind, you are screaming, going what the heck is going on, this child has just said what to me and I need to remain unemotional.
    With the clothes it might be that there is too much choice for your child. Some children often need less option or else its all too confusing for them. So laying out say two outfits and giving a clear timeframe and explaining what will happen after that. "Ok outfit A or Outfit B, you have 3 mins to make up your mind or else I get to choose".

    The other thing is that after a while the clothes may actually be hurting her. With one child at certain times, they would feel like like had been hit if people just brushed past them, and shoes would start hurting their feet. What is your daughter like in the bath or shower? Does she ever say that the water hurts her?

  16. #52
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    Dee not much to add.. well really just wanted to say hope things get sorted really soon.

    I am having a similar battle with my 13mth old, although her problem is she only wants to wear 1 outfit, but the outfit changes each week or so. We have a bit of crying and trying to undress ourselves once dressed but she gives up quickly (thank god). However I have to hide the 'favourite' outfit or she will drag it out of the laundry basket and try to put it on herself.

    I can honestly say I would struggle in your possi, as would any mum. It is really hard just managing day to day if your on your own but to bundle in the whole lets get dressed circus... well big claps for you being such a brilliant mum!

    Oh on the child psychologist thing... they can actually do sensory testing stuff or refer you out, so don't stress to much about the negative nancy of a paed you saw last time. Having your child see a psych does not make her defective or you a bad mum either (lots of mums & dad's think this!). Hell in my opinion it makes you a bloody good mum!... you are taking the time and effort to help your child in every way possible.

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