I am posting this in both AC and M&L areas because this is relevant to both areas.
My first ever pregnancy ended 3 weeks ago with a missed miscarriage at 8.5 weeks, and my FS has sent me away to sort my head out before we go back for another transfer.
I asked him how I would know if I was ready to start again and his only response was “You’ll just know. You’ll be thinking differently and talking differently to the way you are now”.
Well, certainly thinking and talking differently now to the way I was then, but I’m still wondering what sort of things I should be looking for in myself to know when I’m ready to start again. I’m thinking back to my first cycle were there was no transfer because of OHSS and I knew then that I wasn’t prepared to face transfer then, but waiting a cycle and then getting started on a FET, I was ready. I can’t remember what changed in that time, though.
I’ve had some suggest that I’ll be ready to go back when I’m able to face the prospect of another miscarriage, but that seems to me to be an entirely negative way of viewing things. Almost as though I would be going into the cycle expecting to lose another baby – which seems an entirely wrong way of viewing things.
And so, particularly for those people who have dealt with both loss and assisted conception, how did you know you were ready to try again? I know this is a very personal thing to discuss, and what works for one person may not work for another, but I’d be interested in getting as much perspective on this as possible from others.
I gather from your post, you're well aware that it is completely based on the individual, so this is MY experience...
I couldn't tell you what makes you ready to try again. I fell PG with my DD after missing a pill... so when she turned 1, we tried for Number 2, I was so confident we would be fine... At 6 weeks and 5 days I began to bleed. We wanted this baby so badly, this experience was really traumatic... I remember fighting with a nurse who was telling me I had missed my period, I remember being a mess at the hospital while they were givig me an anti-d injection. I then bled for 3 months until they finally decided to give me a D&C. I suffered extremely bad depression and having another baby couldn't have been further from my mind for a long time. To the point of, I got rid of all of my baby stuff and told people we were only having one child.
I don't know what changes your mind. I fell pregnant and suffered another miscarriage 4 and a half yrs later. Even though the loss was so intense, it was easier for me to understand that some things aren't meant to be. We tried and fell PG immediately after and we lost that bubby too... I again went through the whole "we only have one child" thing and felt blessed to have her.
In October of last year, I decided it was time to try again. I guess what held me back so often, was the fear of losing another one. I guess I just thought, if I didn't try, I wouldn't know.
I truly believe you will know when you are ready. You'll know in your heart when the time is right.
When people are saying "you are ready to go back when you're able to face the prospect of another miscarriage" I feel that they may just be protecting you. Losing a baby is quite an emotional toll, and losing another if you aren't ready for the grief again would be devastating.
That being said, when you make the decision to go back and for me, when I hit the 8 week mark, that feeling was amazing. That's just my experience...
I wish you the best of luck and will be keeping an eye out for any news on your front.
Me and DF are actually not BDing (mostly because of his surgery) but since we got engaged last week, he's really put life into prospective for me and it's only been since then that I've really felt 'ready' to try again (the bugger had to go do it to me the day before his surgery as well!)
But everything aside, I'm grateful to him for making my life seem like it's worth living and that I'm glad he's made me realise that we can start trying whenever I feel up to it
When you are ready to try again will be different for me and every other woman here I suspect. Its such a very personal thing. I had never endured the loss of a baby inutero until my fifth pregnancy. By this time my clock was tocking loudly. I was 16 weeks when my first Angel Daughter flew away and I remember wanting to be pregnant again right away. Right away because of my age, because I so wanted that baby. And also because I believed that I knew the pain and that I could survive it if it happened again. Always truly believing that it wouldn't happen again.
So, for me I guess the major reason was that I knew I could survive. That it wouldn't do me in and I would get through whatever was ahead. I have, I did and so will you.
I think (personally) it's a little esoteric to say "you will know". I don't believe we ever know. We make a choice/a decision and when we do that it needs to be informed. You need to enter into it knowing the pitfalls but believing in a wonderful outcome.
Never ever ever stop believing Butterfly that you will birth a baby destined for life on this earth. You will. I don't know that "you will know" when is the right time to conceive again. But I do know that you need to enter into that choice with fervour and optimisim.
I am here watching your gentle brave steps... Sending you love...
BW,
Firstly, I am so sorry that you lost your little one. It is so hard to be so full of hope when something like a baby is as hard to come by as it is for you (and for me) only to have that ripped away from you.
When I first fell pregnant, I had only really been ttc for 12 months but I miscarried at 11 weeks, it was missed, that baby had died at around 8 weeks. I was very upset but knew I had to try again. I miscarried eight weeks into the next pregnancy and that one was about three months after the first.
I started trying again about six months later, it took me a while to pick myself up and dust myself off. Finally after 3 1/2 years of ttc, clomid, parlodel, tests, IVF doctors we carried Imogen and Madeline to viability. For me it was a matter of wanting a baby so badly that it became the most important thing to me (and DH). It wasn't that I felt ready, it was that I needed to keep pushing forward.
I had Lily no problems, then another two miscarriages, one at 16 weeks, that just took the wind out of my sails completely. After losing that little one, I felt that I couldn't try for a while, so I concentrated on making my body the best it could be to carry a babe. It took almost two years to feel actively 'ready' and I did alot of work emotionally to get there. It took 6 rounds of clomid and tests and dye run through my tubes, again by the time I fell pregnant, I wanted that unobtainable baby SO much.
Then along came William. When William died I was floored. I lost my will to live, I lost hope but I still had that 'drive' (does that make sense?) to have that beautiful baby in my arms. In my figuring, it took four years to achieve another viable pregnancy, so I didn't want to waste time.
BW, Like Flowerchild said, I don't think you will ever 'be ready' to try again. It's not just something that happens. It is a drive, a want a longing that becomes all consuming and overlaps the feelings of grief and fear of being hurt again, it's more an acceptance, wanting to take that chance again.
I am hoping that I have made some sense.
Biggest of hugs to you.
Tiggy, it makes perfect sense. Thank you so much for sharing your story and your pain... along with the hope and the happy outcomes in the end.
Certainly much food for thought. I saw my GP this afternoon and he's strongly advised me to go to a psychologist and wrote up a plan for me. The way I'm feeling now, it's not so much about the miscarriage, but about the underlying issues that have always been there that the miscarriage has brought to the surface.
I know that for some it's a matter of getting themselves in the best shape physically to be able to carry a baby. I feel that for me it's more a matter of getting myself in the best shape mentally.
I don't expect much that I say right now to make much sense - running on virtually no sleep today.
Just saw this and wanted to sahre a story, I have no such experience with loss, but my dear sister in law miscarried last year in March at 8.5 weeks. She was 35. 2.5 moths later she was pregnant again.
Do not get me wrong, she grieved and was very sad all the time, but a few weeks after her loss she looked on the up side. She blamed herself for the loss and through much discussion with her OB and support group she realised that this can happen to anyone of any age and of any background. She stopped looking for answers as to why it happened as there were too many reasons, and just concentrated on moving on. She now has Julian my darling 5 month old nephew. BW, I cannot imagine what you and others are going through, but a decision like this entirely depends on how you feel about getting pregnant, maybe getting pregnant now can help with the grief as you have a new miracle to look forward to, but on the other hand you might not enjoy a new pregnancy as you could live in constant fear that it will happen again.
My sister in law was haemorrhaging for the first 4 months and lived in constant fear, but she was so strong and saw her new baby as her will to stay strong. She now remembers her angel baby but sees it as natures way, something was not right…..and now she is blessed with a healthy baby.
All the best BW, I will follow your journey no matter which road you take.
Hi everyone. I was just flicking through, and this struck a chord with me because I'm also at the "when do you know?" crossroads. I had my 3rd MC about 3 months ago (though I have a beautiful daughter who turned 1 last week!) and have been up in the air about trying again. One day I'm raring to go (we want a house full of kids), but on other days I'm so full of anxiety over what might happen, that i too think" hey, we've got one, we're blessed". It's the hardest thing, because I feel that once the decision is made, there's no chickening out. I told DP today that I'm ready to go again, but here I am really humming and harring? Do you ever know for sure, or just fly with what life brings?
Hi BW and everyone, I too am at a crossroads of when to try? I had my fourth miscarriage 6 weeks ago. The main thing I regretted is that I just had only the usual battery of tests to find cause...I kick myself that I didn't test for everything a could think of. When we start trying again I need to know that I have exhausted all options (other than IVF) to the best of my knowledge so that I can be strong and not blame myself if anything goes wrong.
Also, we women are strong as you say, but we are also great at disguising our feelings and just getting on with it because life is busy and we feel we are not allowed/have time to sook. Women, as nurturers, need to sometimes just nurture themselves...it is important to recognise this and take time out before entering into another pg... it might be one month or one year... and you might never be sure that u r ready because there has been so much elation, hope, fear and disappointment running through your head and your heart recently that it is hard to sort it all out. Work though the sadness - take time to be with yourself, breathe deeply and face any other emotional issues that might not be related to the baby - a mother needs to baby herself before she can give herself to another as a whole person. Do things that make you confident and happy and will make you feel strong emotionally and physically.
I like to think that we would all be trying so hard if we didn't believe that there was a little soul out there waiting to join our families
Knowing when to go back
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