Trying to Conceive after Late Loss, Still Birth or Recurrent Miscarriage Feb/March 08

**Inanna** · February 28th, 2008, 10:42 AM

If you have found yourself in this forum you no doubt have had a painful journey. TTC after recurrent miscarriage/stillbirth or Late Loss takes special courage and support. The aim of this forum is to provide a place where women who have endured loss can share their stories, friendships, treatments and triumphs!

My greatest wish is that you all leave this forum with nice big fat positives in the shortest possible time!!!

I hope so much that this month is YOUR month.

If at any time you'd like to make a suggestion, or provide any constructive feedback for this forum, please contact one of your following moderators:

Fllowerchild
Niliac
Alternately you may contact Kelly (however she may take a little longer to respond at times!).

Email addresses can be found here.

We appreciate all your feedback as it does help to make our forums a much happier, relaxed place to chat! We will always take your comments seriously - all comments are treated confidentially...

You will find the previous thread HERE

**tempus moriendi** · February 28th, 2008, 11:28 AM

I think the universe is $crewing with me. I just found out my grandfather is very sick. My first thought was "but we're already in mourning!!!" DH and I are very overwhelmed right now.

Katiegirl: Glad you haven't lost your sense of humor. I really think sometimes laughter is a very good (if not the best) medicine. But all the same I really hope you don't have to wait TOO long to TTC.

**Simba** · February 28th, 2008, 06:51 PM

hi all,

still no AF for me - now day 29 but not really sure of normal cycle length so dont know when to start to get hopeful. i want to get excited by am also trying to convince myself that it wont happen so that i wont be so disappointed if AF arrives. this last week for me has flown - it feels like the first time i have felt that since Lani died - time just seemed to drag in this torturous twisted reality but hopefully this week is a sign of normality slowly creeping back.

i met up tonight with a lecturer from uni who i still had contact with over the years since been working. only found out since Lani that her first baby died (full term like Lani) i has been nearly 12 years since he died and she now has 2 beautiful girls. we had the most wonderful 2 hour conversation and she had many words of wisdom for me. it has been so important for me to find someone who has been through the same or similar journey to me and now i feel like i've found that person. that sounds like i am not thankful to all of you - please know that i am more than words can say.

Jo and Sonni - hope that AF doesnt arrive for you and that at least one of us can have a BFP this month!

Katiegirl - so glad that you have found the new OB - he sounds absolutely wonderful. seeing him every week would be so helpful i think and i dont think you will get sick of it!! i know i wouldnt! hopefully you only have to wait the 4 weeks. i will have my

for you.

**Simba** · February 28th, 2008, 07:21 PM

TM - forgot to send

to you. so sorry to hear about your grandfather. it must be so hard to deal with more grief right now hope that you have the support that you need to get through.

**tempus moriendi** · February 29th, 2008, 11:33 AM

Simba: Thanks. No new word, so I guess he's status quo.
But I just wanted to share with you--after my third MC, women seemed to come out of the woodwork to share their stories with me--I didn't even know some of them had ever had an obstetric loss. But it made me feel less alone.

**Katiegirl** · March 1st, 2008, 11:15 AM

Hi all. I need to vent about a conversation I had yesterday with my older brother. He and his wife had a baby back in November, about 1 week before we found out about losing Nathaniel.

Lately when he calls my mobile and leaves a message, he always pretends to be his baby talking to me. It has started to grate a bit - as the other night I had a rough day and then get this baby message - he does actually talk but he says it is the baby etc. So I had spoken to my mother about it and she said she would tell him that sometimes I am having bad days and getting these messages doesn't help. I don't want him thinking that i am not happy for their baby and I love him etc. Anyway I went to call him yesterday, and had started to think that I had over-reacted etc and was going to tell my mum not to say anything. Anyway we are both chatting on the phone and he asks about my week - so I say work okay and then decided to say we had met the new Ob. I thought it would be a good idea to share this. So firstly he said something about it being good to be organised. I then said that this ob specialises in women who have lost babies. And that is when it all went downhill. He said 'so did you tell him you are careless?' I wasn't sure I heard him right but then he said it again. I asked him what he meant and he said 'did you tell him you lose things or misplace things'. He was joking of course but he just kept going, saying things like 'you will forget where you put the baby and only find it when it cries'...I was in shock he was saying this to me, and just kept saying 'What are you on about' What do you mean? Eventually I said ' ARe you saying this because I said 'lost' a baby' and all he replied with was 'You will have to tie a know in your hankerchief to remind you'. We then both had to go - but I was just shocked that he had made a joke about all of this. It is in such bad taste. You don't joke with someone who has suffered a loss only 3 months ago. So I called my mum this morning to tell her and she was in shock as well. He obviously thought he was joking around but it is in such bad taste. His first wife died unexpectedly 5 years ago, and I would never have dreamt (nor would now) of telling him he is careless for misplacing her! I just can not understand why he show such a lack of judgement. It also means that I am even more reluctant to speak to him.

I don't think I could be bothered talking to him myself about it. DH and i have enough on our plate without having to deal with a stupid joker - so mum said she will say something.

Does everyone else agree this is out of line?

**Simba** · March 1st, 2008, 12:37 PM

oh Katiegirl your brother is definitely out of line on so many levels. firstly to ring and pretend to be the baby - in another situation that could in some ways be cute but in your situation it is soooo insensitive! and then to make a joke about "losing" a baby as if you are forgetful that is just so thoughtless. you are right its doesnt mean you dont love him or are not happy for him but some people, even the ones we love, just dont get it.

i dont know about you but i have found myself saying "my baby died" not that "we lost her" i'm not sure if i do it to impact more on people or to shock them more. i guess i hate having to make something nice and easier for other people to deal with when it certainly isnt nice and isnt easy for us!

for me at the moment i am really struggling with people telling me how great i look - in other words lost all the weight after the baby. and yes i am "back in my pre-pregnancy jeans" and no "i dont have any stretch marks" but dont they get that i would rather be the size of a house, covered in stretch marks and be holding my Lani. i know they are saying it to be positive and be nice but to be honest i just dont care! so there's my venting!!

hope everyone is going well. I'm on CD 31 did HPT yesterday morning and BFN but still not AF so i guess its still hopeful. i think i didnt get BFP till day 43 with Lani so

there is still a chance for this month.

**Katiegirl** · March 1st, 2008, 02:48 PM

Thanks Simba. I am just so shocked that the most insensitive comments have come from my own brother. My sister had two late mcs as well so it isn't like this is the first time for my family to deal with this. I know he was thinking he was being funny, but it was so off the mark I can't even begin to understand what he was thinking.

**jo76** · March 1st, 2008, 07:17 PM

firstly ...
I still don't have my AF. Not sure if nature is gonna play a cruel joke and just come late or if i am possible preg and it is too early to show on a test. I could'nt wait and did another Friday which showed a fat neg again so now i am waiting until next fri to test again unless AF pays me another visit. Although if anything happens in the meantime i'll do the drive to mum and dads to jump on their computer and let you all know!

DH has'nt picked up on it being late yet, he just wants to DTD, he is having major withdrawal while we are at our friends! MEN! (sorry if TMI...

!!!)
Katie - God, i had to re-read your post! I'm not sure what to say about what your brother said, i really can't believe it was said at all. i really hope he does understand the impact his words have had on you but i do hope also you can push through it and focus on what you need to at this time which is you and DH. And i am quite like Simba in that I sometimes find myself saying our baby died and maybe thinking about it it is why people freak out so much and either say the wrong things or nothing at all and i'm not sure what i would prefer! But nonetheless i think it is important for people to know what we lost! So whatever! I am sending you lots of love and many hugs right now as i don't know how i would cope with all that you are. i wish that i had seen your message earlier (again, no house, no computer..hmm...) but i'm not sure what i might have been able to say anyway. Just maybe to send you some cyber hugs and hope that you are ok! I am really happy your OB appointment went so well and he sounds as though he will be amazingly supportive so i think you can put alot of trust in him. I know what you feel like in wanting to get into TTC but see what he says. he sounds so thorough and i love that he will see you so often. i'm not sure what my OB will do in terms of that but i hope he will do similar. I really hope so...i don't think you'll be sick of seeing him! Maybe the other way around! ha ha!
Simba - I too get the "you look so great" comments, i got them so soon after Jack died also by family and work when at the time i could'nt really give a #%@! what i looked like - i did'nt even want to get out of bed! I actually lost a few extra kilos that i did'nt want to because i was'nt sleeping and people were saying how awesome that was also regardless of the stress i was under for it to happen. But for the first time I have a mini jelly belly that i am wearing now with pride.i actually had a customer complain the other day how big she was after the birth of her daughter (she was a size 16) and how much stretch marks she had and told me don't ever have kids, this is what they do to you. I just walked out of the fitting room and ignored her essentially. WHOOPS! But i was like i would take all of that to have jack safely back in my belly!
TM - i hope you are doing ok, i cannot believe all that you are dealing with right now. I hope some positive news comes your way soon in amongst all of this!
barbara - i hope your ok too! You have'nt been on..hope its just because you have been so busy!
take care everyone!
love to all of you!!!!
xxxx jo

**jo76** · March 1st, 2008, 07:18 PM

sorry that last post was so long!!!!!!

I had alot to write!
jo

**Katiegirl** · March 1st, 2008, 08:03 PM

Thanks everyone. I felt a lot better for typing out my frustration. I agree that it is hard to know how to phrase the line - sometimes I say 'lost' other I say 'late miscarriage' etc. I just wish I knew what was going on in his head - and to keep saying it without maybe realising what he said. Aagghhh. He has always been tactless when joking around, and it has often got people annoyed with him. The thing is he is not good at laughing at himself!

Thankfully his comments did not upset me. If anything it shows his own lack of understanding for others (especially given the death of his wife and all the support my family gave to him and his children). Some people no matter what we say or how much we try to explain will ever understand, that we are grieving the death of our children.

Simba - thanks for the message. So nice to know you all understand.

Jo - my AF is due today and still no sign. My temp took another drop this morning - just one point, so I know AF is on the way. I just wish it would hurry up as for each day it is late just means we get our hopes up. I know there is little if any chance I am preg so I just want AF to come and get the waiting over with. Please do let us know when you test again. I am not even tempted to test, and don't have any here anyway. I guess if AF was not here by Tues I would go out and buy one. I will keep my fingers crossed for you. Would be lovely to get a BFP in this group.

Hi to Barbara and TM - hope you are both well.

**Simba** · March 1st, 2008, 09:33 PM

am a bit lonely tonight DH is away for the weekend. i used to love time to myself - DH is always so full of energy, only stops talking when he is asleep!! the teacher in me often diagnoses him with ADHD!! but now i really struggle to be on my own - too much time to think i guess.

jo - have my

for you hopefully at least one of us can have a BFP soon. i have a feeling i am going to want to do another test tomorrow (another one that i'll just have to keep secret from DH!!) dont know what i'd do if one of them came back positive cos i promised him that i wouldnt do any without him knowing!!

**Anthonysmom** · March 2nd, 2008, 07:48 AM

Hi laides - I haven't been around much so I am going to try to catch up now.

Katie - First of all. I don't even know what to say about your brother. His comments make no sense to me. How can anyone (especially a loved one) say such things, even if they are supposed to be a joke. Around Christmas my mother told me that she has been effected too by Anthony's loss. She had to rewrite over half of her Christmas cards. I was stunned, but I am used to me mom saying insensitive things. I hope your brother can understand that he is way out of line. And good luck with your test results. I am glad you love your new OB. I have so happy when mine took tons of tests. IF she didn't I would have never known about my MTHFR gene.

Jo - Has AF shown? I hope not, we need a BFP. ANd yes I have been crazy busy.

Simba - Your story is heartbreaking. I am glad you were able to have 12 lovely days with your precious daughter. I am a teacher also. It was very hard to go back to work. I had just told people at work on Friday that I was pregnant. They were all waiting for my results (we were finding out the sex) We had Monday off and I found out that Anthony had passed on Tuesday. I have found that normalcy comes and goes. As someone once told me there is now a new normal for all of us. It is helpful to see people with similar stories to go on and have healthy babies. You should drop into the pregnancy thread. I love "seeing" the ladies in there. it brings me hope.

TM - I am so sorry about your grandfather. Has AF shown her ugly head? I know good things are around the corner for you.

As for me, busy does not begin to explain it. My life is in total flux. The renovations are going very slow. My contractor is a total jerk and my husband insists we continue to be nice to him. I understnad my DH's point but my apartment is a disaster area and I am ready for the work to be finished. The earliest will now be Tuesday. DH and I had a big blow up about it this morning. As I get closer to my should have been due date I am having less and less good days. Every time I have a cup of coffee or help with bathroom renovations I think that I shouldn't be able to that. I do not know how I will feel in APril. I am worried that all this stress is not good for TTC. I have about a week until I ovulate. sorry about the rant. I am trying to stay positive, but I am just very deflated.

Barbara

**Anthonysmom** · March 2nd, 2008, 08:19 AM

okay i feel the need to put something in here funny since my post was such a downer. I take my temp at 6am every morning. So even though it is Saturday my alarm went off at 6am. DH woke up. HE asked if it was time to get up. He thought we had to go to work. He was so sad. I told him it was saturday and he just fell back on his pillow and started snoring.

Barbara

**Simba** · March 2nd, 2008, 09:15 AM

okay so i resisted and havent done a test this morning maybe i'll try and wait till wednesday if AF hasnt arrived before then. i'm so stuck between wanting to be positive and then not getting my hopes up so i dont get so sad when AF arrives. i think i would really like to ge pg this month as this is when i got pg with Lani last year. it would then mean that the baby would be born before her b'day (I will be having a C/S so i can plan that) to have a healthy baby in my arms on her b'day and then 2 1/2 weeks later on the anniversary of her death wouldnt make it all better i know but i think it would be at least bring a happy element to that time.

Barbara - the story about the alarm made me laugh, thanks!

love to you all

sim
x

**Katiegirl** · March 2nd, 2008, 09:27 AM

Hi Barbara - 3 times now I have woken up during the night and taken my temp only to realise it is only 1am etc. I once also had a dream that I had already taken my temp and then had to remember when to actually do it! I think it ends up taking over our minds sometimes! Good luck with O and TTCing. My EDD is April as well, but so far I am doing ok.

I am still waiting for AF - today is CD30 - I expected AF yesterday. If I make it through today and tomorrow with no AF I will possibly test on Tuesday. I have been getting pains for the last couple of days which makes me think AF is on the way but not sure why it is delayed - just cruel!!!

Simba - good luck with your test. It would be so lovely to get some good news in here!

**tempus moriendi** · March 3rd, 2008, 11:11 AM

Between work and a girls' nite out I haven't posted in a couple days. Will POAS on tuesday, but i don't have any breast tenderness, so I'd be real surprised if it were a bfp.

Katiegirl: that was a horrible story. Is your brother usually tactless? some people suffer from chronic foot-in-mouth disease. Or maybe it sounded funnier in his head. You just never know. But in either case there's nothing funny about obstetric loss.
My parents lost a baby and they both suffered terribly over it. then one time about ten years later, my dad made some flippant comment and my mom just burst into tears and it turned into a terrible fight. Sometimes people just say the dumbest things...

Simba: sending encouragement vibes

jo76: keeping fingers crossed

Anthonysmom: Please rant away. That's the whole point, isn't it? So we can support each other with all the stresses of TTC and the "civilian" stresses, too.
My grandfather's condition is status quo.

**Katiegirl** · March 3rd, 2008, 11:29 AM

Thanks TM - my mother spoke to my brother and before she could get very far he confessed to making a joking about 'losing' a baby and he said that he knew what he had done but didn't know how to get out of it so kept babbling other things. He obviously was aware at the time but panicked.

So at least he knows what he said. My dad can't understand why he didn't stop though and just apologise for being insensitive. And he hasn't called or emailed to apologise. It is in his hands now - you would think that having 2 sisters with late losses he would learn. He just jokes too much and sometimes he upsets people because his jokes can hurt.

TM glad to hear your grandfather has stabilised for the time being. I hope your family are keeping well with all the stress you have had recently.

How is everyone.