Trying to Conceive after Late Loss, Still Birth or Recurrent Miscarriage Feb/March 08

[tempus moriendi]

Simba: Thanks. No new word, so I guess he's status quo.
But I just wanted to share with you--after my third MC, women seemed to come out of the woodwork to share their stories with me--I didn't even know some of them had ever had an obstetric loss. But it made me feel less alone.

[Katiegirl]

Hi all. I need to vent about a conversation I had yesterday with my older brother. He and his wife had a baby back in November, about 1 week before we found out about losing Nathaniel.

Lately when he calls my mobile and leaves a message, he always pretends to be his baby talking to me. It has started to grate a bit - as the other night I had a rough day and then get this baby message - he does actually talk but he says it is the baby etc. So I had spoken to my mother about it and she said she would tell him that sometimes I am having bad days and getting these messages doesn't help. I don't want him thinking that i am not happy for their baby and I love him etc. Anyway I went to call him yesterday, and had started to think that I had over-reacted etc and was going to tell my mum not to say anything. Anyway we are both chatting on the phone and he asks about my week - so I say work okay and then decided to say we had met the new Ob. I thought it would be a good idea to share this. So firstly he said something about it being good to be organised. I then said that this ob specialises in women who have lost babies. And that is when it all went downhill. He said 'so did you tell him you are careless?' I wasn't sure I heard him right but then he said it again. I asked him what he meant and he said 'did you tell him you lose things or misplace things'. He was joking of course but he just kept going, saying things like 'you will forget where you put the baby and only find it when it cries'...I was in shock he was saying this to me, and just kept saying 'What are you on about' What do you mean? Eventually I said ' ARe you saying this because I said 'lost' a baby' and all he replied with was 'You will have to tie a know in your hankerchief to remind you'. We then both had to go - but I was just shocked that he had made a joke about all of this. It is in such bad taste. You don't joke with someone who has suffered a loss only 3 months ago. So I called my mum this morning to tell her and she was in shock as well. He obviously thought he was joking around but it is in such bad taste. His first wife died unexpectedly 5 years ago, and I would never have dreamt (nor would now) of telling him he is careless for misplacing her! I just can not understand why he show such a lack of judgement. It also means that I am even more reluctant to speak to him.

I don't think I could be bothered talking to him myself about it. DH and i have enough on our plate without having to deal with a stupid joker - so mum said she will say something.

Does everyone else agree this is out of line?

[Simba]

oh Katiegirl your brother is definitely out of line on so many levels. firstly to ring and pretend to be the baby - in another situation that could in some ways be cute but in your situation it is soooo insensitive! and then to make a joke about "losing" a baby as if you are forgetful that is just so thoughtless. you are right its doesnt mean you dont love him or are not happy for him but some people, even the ones we love, just dont get it.

i dont know about you but i have found myself saying "my baby died" not that "we lost her" i'm not sure if i do it to impact more on people or to shock them more. i guess i hate having to make something nice and easier for other people to deal with when it certainly isnt nice and isnt easy for us!

for me at the moment i am really struggling with people telling me how great i look - in other words lost all the weight after the baby. and yes i am "back in my pre-pregnancy jeans" and no "i dont have any stretch marks" but dont they get that i would rather be the size of a house, covered in stretch marks and be holding my Lani. i know they are saying it to be positive and be nice but to be honest i just dont care! so there's my venting!!

hope everyone is going well. I'm on CD 31 did HPT yesterday morning and BFN but still not AF so i guess its still hopeful. i think i didnt get BFP till day 43 with Lani so there is still a chance for this month.

[Katiegirl]

Thanks Simba. I am just so shocked that the most insensitive comments have come from my own brother. My sister had two late mcs as well so it isn't like this is the first time for my family to deal with this. I know he was thinking he was being funny, but it was so off the mark I can't even begin to understand what he was thinking.

[jo76]

firstly ...
I still don't have my AF. Not sure if nature is gonna play a cruel joke and just come late or if i am possible preg and it is too early to show on a test. I could'nt wait and did another Friday which showed a fat neg again so now i am waiting until next fri to test again unless AF pays me another visit. Although if anything happens in the meantime i'll do the drive to mum and dads to jump on their computer and let you all know! DH has'nt picked up on it being late yet, he just wants to DTD, he is having major withdrawal while we are at our friends! MEN! (sorry if TMI... !!!)
Katie - God, i had to re-read your post! I'm not sure what to say about what your brother said, i really can't believe it was said at all. i really hope he does understand the impact his words have had on you but i do hope also you can push through it and focus on what you need to at this time which is you and DH. And i am quite like Simba in that I sometimes find myself saying our baby died and maybe thinking about it it is why people freak out so much and either say the wrong things or nothing at all and i'm not sure what i would prefer! But nonetheless i think it is important for people to know what we lost! So whatever! I am sending you lots of love and many hugs right now as i don't know how i would cope with all that you are. i wish that i had seen your message earlier (again, no house, no computer..hmm...) but i'm not sure what i might have been able to say anyway. Just maybe to send you some cyber hugs and hope that you are ok! I am really happy your OB appointment went so well and he sounds as though he will be amazingly supportive so i think you can put alot of trust in him. I know what you feel like in wanting to get into TTC but see what he says. he sounds so thorough and i love that he will see you so often. i'm not sure what my OB will do in terms of that but i hope he will do similar. I really hope so...i don't think you'll be sick of seeing him! Maybe the other way around! ha ha!
Simba - I too get the "you look so great" comments, i got them so soon after Jack died also by family and work when at the time i could'nt really give a #%@! what i looked like - i did'nt even want to get out of bed! I actually lost a few extra kilos that i did'nt want to because i was'nt sleeping and people were saying how awesome that was also regardless of the stress i was under for it to happen. But for the first time I have a mini jelly belly that i am wearing now with pride.i actually had a customer complain the other day how big she was after the birth of her daughter (she was a size 16) and how much stretch marks she had and told me don't ever have kids, this is what they do to you. I just walked out of the fitting room and ignored her essentially. WHOOPS! But i was like i would take all of that to have jack safely back in my belly!
TM - i hope you are doing ok, i cannot believe all that you are dealing with right now. I hope some positive news comes your way soon in amongst all of this!
barbara - i hope your ok too! You have'nt been on..hope its just because you have been so busy!
take care everyone!
love to all of you!!!!
xxxx jo

[jo76]

sorry that last post was so long!!!!!! I had alot to write!
jo

[Katiegirl]

Thanks everyone. I felt a lot better for typing out my frustration. I agree that it is hard to know how to phrase the line - sometimes I say 'lost' other I say 'late miscarriage' etc. I just wish I knew what was going on in his head - and to keep saying it without maybe realising what he said. Aagghhh. He has always been tactless when joking around, and it has often got people annoyed with him. The thing is he is not good at laughing at himself!

Thankfully his comments did not upset me. If anything it shows his own lack of understanding for others (especially given the death of his wife and all the support my family gave to him and his children). Some people no matter what we say or how much we try to explain will ever understand, that we are grieving the death of our children.

Simba - thanks for the message. So nice to know you all understand.

Jo - my AF is due today and still no sign. My temp took another drop this morning - just one point, so I know AF is on the way. I just wish it would hurry up as for each day it is late just means we get our hopes up. I know there is little if any chance I am preg so I just want AF to come and get the waiting over with. Please do let us know when you test again. I am not even tempted to test, and don't have any here anyway. I guess if AF was not here by Tues I would go out and buy one. I will keep my fingers crossed for you. Would be lovely to get a BFP in this group.

Hi to Barbara and TM - hope you are both well.