Thanks for asking after me, Lan. I have my zen days and my not-so-zen days. Work is an exploding bomb at the moment, where if I add up all the stuff that different people think is included in my new assignment, then I'm working 150% of full time plus 5-6 different posts of "with the time you have left over." The only person who can actually answer what the hell I'm supposed to be doing is on vacation after today and he's pushing th "busy" button on his phone when I call him. I've decided that he can suit himself and that I will do the work that I've understood I should do and let the rest of it sit and rot until someone gives me a clear answer (and one that does NOT involve me being two people).
But the thing is, this kind of stress making my baby-panic so much more intense. I have a very strong habit of getting stressed over EVERYTHING when one thing seems to be going very wrong. And this one is even worse, because the stress about my job can be classed as "uncertainty about the future," and as soon as we enter that chamber, the waves of uncertainty over the baby come crashing in. I was in Stockholm with work the Wednesday and Thursday (and will be spending most of the next 7 weeks there if these people get their way!). Both days I wore a pad all day even though I'm not bleeding, because what if I started, up there in Stockholm without a change of jeans? I keep feeling little tiny pains, like being stuck with a pin or like the baby is pinching me from the inside, and I get scared. I ran to the bathroom once an hour feeling convinced that I was dripping blood, but not a single drop since the last incident last Friday. And then I think... How can they expect me to spend those three weeks in October in Stockholm when that'll be weeks 15-17 of my pregnancy, right when I'm going to be at my most panicky since that's when I lost Beiron? What happens if I miscarry up there, while DH is down here? What happens if I miscarry in Spain? Should I really book that advanced C++ course in November? On the train ride home I became so restless the closer we got to Link?ping that I'm suprised I didn't shout out "let me off this tin can!" The people sitting around me must have thougt I had lost it. I feel on the verge of tears all the time, and yet my discussion with one of the bosses about the fuzziness regarding my duties was really quite calm and sensible. He just doesn't know that inside I'm going "HOW CAN I STILL ONLY BE 9 WEEKS PREGNANT!"
So... no. It's not a very zen week for me.
Sorry. Venting was key. I can't stand the thought that I might lose this bubs, but it's all I can think about; more and more frequently the images surrounding how Beiron came out are just taking up all my mind space.
BTW, Sue... I think it's really wonderful. It's a lovely surprise that you were able to get pregnant on your own. I know that we would all love any baby that was given to us, but it's always nice to have these little bonus bits.
Oh Tildy, we are all feeling the stress with you. Just try and hang in there. Everything we can possibly cross is crossed and I think everything you are feeling is completely normal. Is there any way you can voice your concerns at work. Imagine if all these people were putting this much pressure or negative energy on your baby. You would stand up to them in an instant to protect him/her I am sure. When they are giving you extra work etc, maybe ask yourself what you need to do at that time for bubs and not yourself. I know that is a lot easier said than done and I am the queen of taking on much more than I can handle but give it a try. I have been using the same technique even though I'm not PG and have been asking 'is this going to help me create the perfect environment for my bub to grow in'. If the answer is no then I have found myself regularly making decisions different to what I would have normally. Even my friends have commented. Mind you I wouldn't say I always make a better decision, but even if it is sometimes, it surely has to be of some benefit.
To be honest, the amount of stress you are under is unlikely to affect bubs health but at least in your own mind you'll have less to worry about and can focus on coping with the PG stress which is more than enough for anyone in your situation to have to deal with without all the extra crap.
Maybe next time you feel on the verge of tears at work just let it go. Eventually everyone will just think of you as the crazy hormonal PG woman and will be too scared to approach you to do extra work!!
BTW glad to hear your spotting has stopped. Lets hope it is gone for good and you can try and relax about it a little. If not, we're always happy to hear someone venting... it makes the rest of us feel like all our irrational thoughts are normal after all!!
Hi everyone
I don't know why but my emails weren't telling me there were new posts!! So Lan I am still here, and only on day 11 so not ready for testing yet!! But I feel quite calm about September so lets hope that is a good sign.
I too have been wanting to do a new garden for ages, but when Cooper died it become almost urgent, it was as if I needed to do it for him. I was home only days when I was found digging up our veggie patch and told promptly to 'get inside and rest!', there is something very therapeutic about digging in the earth. I am very happy today to say that I have finally got that new garden set out and am in the process of digging out all the old lawn, it is almost as though I have been possessed as I just don't want to leave it!! Luckily I have my MIL & FIL here at the moment to help out with DS. So Mrs Robbo I totally understand the garden thing, and by the way Ethan seems like such an wise old soul, he Charlie is truly blessed to have a big brother like him.
Dellydoo - Welcome to our little corner of the world, I wish I didn't have to say that, but you will find wonderful support here.
Lan - Good on you for looking after yourself, moving can be such a stressful thing, we talk about it constantly, but until we have our next baby safely home I think we will stay here as I feel safer being close to our hospital and wonderful GP.
Katie - I hope you are looking after yourself those last 8 weeks are going to fly by!
Sue - Very brave putting your ticker up, I am so proud!! Jumping the gun and all! I hope that one little spot has gone away and never comes back, I really wish there was a magical way we could check in on our babies and see what was going on in there.
Jo - You keep amazing me with your love and concern for others, just know we all love you back!
Tildy - I wish you could just tell them all to go to hell! You don't need anymore stress, try and do whatever you can to help ease it, easier said then done I know.
Cindee - How are you going?
Have to fly my back is killing me sitting here, too much digging! Sorry if I've missed anyone.
Helen, when you say that you're going to dig up a lawn, do you mean a really big patch of grass. What are you doing??? Rest up, you're potentially brewing a baby in there!
Tildy, I've felt that way at work too and I've discovered that the only person with your true interest at heart is yourself. Last time I thought I was just being a hypochondriac and should just get on with the job but next time I'm going to stand up for myself and tell people if my workload is too much or I don't want to travel etc. Don't let work compromise your peace of mind! You shouldn't be away from DH around the 17wk mark, you'll be a nervous wreck, no matter how zen you've been!
Better start working since it's 9.30am. I hate Monday mornings.
Hope everyone had a fantastic weekend. There is a buzz around Adelaide at the moment, with the royal show happening. Perfect weather on Saturday, but for fathers day it rained.....
Well havent had anymore bleeding (which is fantastic). This morning felt a bit of nausea and started to dry reach...... Had a whole heap of blood tests on Saturday to check all my levels like iron and of course my thyroid function. Hopefully all ok and will get the results this afternoon.
Jo - what you say is so true. It doesnt matter what I have to go through to achieve a miracle, as I will love it, the same as a natural conception. It just would be nice. I agree also that sometimes having to go the tough road makes you so much more appreciate the miracle of life.
Tildy - Please please don't let your work stress you out like that. It is so important at the moment for you to focus on yourself and little bubs. I am so glad your bleeding has stopped. When do you next go and see your Ob???
Katie - how are you feeling??? you must be getting very excited as it is under 8 weeks to go.... yippee Are you able to post some scans??? would love to see them...
Cindee - hope all is well with you???
Helen - take it easy babe..... but I think it is wonderful that you have a beautiful veggie & garden happening.... what veggies did you plant?? My DH and I are trying to work out what veggies to plant at the moment and what will survive!!! he he he
Lan - Yes we survived fathers day - we even celebrated it as our little boy Ollie (dog) gave his daddy a fathers day present of a couple of t-shirts.
Hi all. I wish it was under 8 weeks more like under 9! Not much of a difference but I am starting to get impatient. I feel like I have been pregnant since last July. It sounds like I am complaining but more a case of Mondayitis I think.
Tildy - work is always so hard especially for all of us - we have to work, deal with our ongoing grief and then be pregnant again and worried. I can honestly say that since I have found out I was pregnant again, I have worked at less than 50% capacity. I feel bad about it, but my mind has just been elsewhere, namely on this baby. I pulled out of a conference back in April (I think) as it was in Alice Springs and I couldn't bare the idea of being so far away if something happened - plus I had not announced the pregnancy and it would have been hard to hide it. I came up with a good excuse and no one questioned me, but when I did announce the preg they all said they had been suspicious when I cancelled! Take care of yourself first and foremost - work can always wait. Yes I feel bad that I am leaving this job knowing I have not done my best work of late, but in the scheme of things..it is pretty minor.
Sue - very happy to hear that your bleeding has stopped and that you are feeling nauseous! Excellent news. Funny how we all take delight in hearing one of us is vomiting or dry reaching!
I love the idea you all have of the veggie patch. I think it will be very therapeutic for you.
Also, I saw an article in the Herald Sun (I think Friday's paper) about miscarriage and stillbirth. It was titled 'The Loneliest Grief' or something like that. I have always said that loss of a child during pregnancy is the loneliest grief as very few people can relate. It was interesting to note that it said 1 in 4 women suffer a mc and 1 in 20 a stillbirth (I guess this covers late loss as well) - that number is so high but it is still not something people talk about. It made me happy to see that this grief and loss was getting some coverage. It was talking about Bonnie Babes organising a National Baby Day for 17 Oct.
Lan - you made me laugh, but there is no baby cooking just yet, give me another week! I have been saying to DH this garden has to be ready before I am pregnant again, hence the feeling of urgency. I need this little corner of sanctuary to immerse myself in once the hard work is done I will rest up I promise!
Sue - We haven't got a huge patch of veggies but we have - Silverbeet, cabbage, cauliflower, strawberries(crappy), beetroot, capsicum, spring onions, pineapple (scattered throughout all the garden, will take years!), rocket and loads of various herbs. I just love having gardens around me though it just makes such a difference.
Father's Day was a fairly quiet day at home for all of us, was nice just to potter.
sounds like everyone's doing well, hoping for another round of BFPs this month. I would also like to add my name to the garden lovers, I love our gardens, this year we embarked on a very ambitious re-landscaping project that consumes all our spare time but it's looking amazing.
I had my first day back at work today. It wasn't too bad, most people just said hi and welcome back. My boss was really nice, asked me if I was sure I was ready and if I needed to go home early or anything to feel free. I teared up a bit in front of him but that was inevitable I guess, he told me not to apologise so that was nice. I also told him I was pregnant again and there would probably be a lot of appointments and I couldn't guarantee what would happen and he was nice about that too. There was a girl there that I hadn't met because she'd been away on deployment, and she asked if I'd been on leave, that was a bit awkward. Also I replied to an email I'd gotten a few weeks back and apologised for how late it was, saying I'd been on leave. The girl wrote back and said she was jealous... ha! If only she knew!
I'm glad the first day is over but I did not enjoy the 6am alarm or the M/S at my desk when I would rather be lying on the couch, but hopefully in a couple of weeks that will dissipate. Feel so crappy now DH's is making me scrambled eggs for dinner.
Rozzie I am glad your first day is over, it is often such a hurdle to get past.
OK girls, I have done it, I am now on Facebook! You can find me under Helen Salmon, There is a lovely (not) blue tarp in the background, have to say I am a bit nervous about having my photo on the internet! I will endeavor to go back and get all your names, but feel free to get in before me.
I'm in the gardening club as well, or at least I'd like to be. I want to build up a new little garden now when I'm on vacation. I was going to paint the "baby room" but decided that painting while pregnant is not good; I'll save it for maternity leave somehow or other... so instead I figured I'd build up a little garden around our (barren) apple tree. Nothing nearly as ambitious as Helen (even if she does call it "not huge"!). I mostly just want to put a ring of stones around, take up the grass and put in soil, and perhaps put some flower bulbs down later in the fall or whenever one does such things. I'm so terrible though with plants, and so is DH. We have, say, a 30% success rate. You should see the pots of herbs I planted before the summer. My cilantro is red for some reason, the dill grew about 3 foot tall stems with no actual usuable dill, and the parsley stayed about 1 inch tall even though it's still alive. And Helen is growing PINEAPPLE? Guess you guys have a very different climate than us,
Good job on your first day back, Rozzie. It sounds like you have a good boss for the situation. I also had to do that same sort of explaining to mine -- "I'm going back to 100% today but BTW I'm pregnant again so I'm going to be off to a whole lot of appointments all the time." The comment about being jealous that you were on leave is just the kind of foot people tend to put in their mouths. One of my old coworkers called me at home on a Saturday morning once and woke me up, and she said "Ahh, sleeping late, I guess that's the kind of luxury us people with little kids don't have!" I wanted to smack her, actually.
Paula -- I think it will work out okay at work, at least for the next 4 weeks, since I have 3 weeks of vacation starting next week! I won't be able to get any better information on what my duties are until after that since the guy who decides is on vacation now, but I have at least decided what I will be doing for the next 7 or so weeks in a way that I feel is best for me and doesn't require me trying to be more than one human being. Right now I've just come back from starting to set up my new lab, so I now have three different "offices" and three computers. I must be special. :P
Lan -- I'll have to see what can be done around the 17 week mark, as that will also be around the same time as Beiron's EDD. I don't think I'm going to be in a position to travel a lot, but my stress will only increase in another way if I feel like I'm not taking all opportunities to learn my new job. However, the leader for my new project thinks I'll be fine, since I have worked with similar stuff this whole time and the other guy is brand new, just started this week. That means I might not have to be in Stockholm so much after all but rather just a day or two and then come back home to my new lab. Much nicer to be a 1.5 km bike ride from home than a 200 km train ride.
I'm feeling 100% symptom-less. I even slept only 5 hours night before last but still managed a whole normal day without a nap. It's hard not to think, "Oh no, I feel good -- what's wrong with me!"
Hi all. I have to let Tildy know that my gardening efforts are less than stellar as well. We live in a high-rise apartment in the inner city and I have about 5 pots on our balcony that originally had lavender and a variety of herbs. They now sit empty except for the potting mix and simply collect dust. I do well at the start with plants, but then it all goes down hill. I am looking forward to having a garden at some point in the future. I would love to move early next year to a house with a proper outdoor area. Tildy I totally understand your 'oh no I feel ok etc' nerves - symptoms can be so confusing and stressful. I had basically none with this pregnancy. I am sure all is well and as you have already stated, this preg is different to Beiron as you bled constantly during his preg. Your ticker is moving along nicely.
Today is my last official day at work. I can't believe it has finally come around. Due to working on my own, it doesn't feel overly festive but I am going out for lunch so that will break the day a little.
There has been such a good run of BFPs in here of late, I am sure they will continue for Sept and Oct. Sending out positive vibes to everyone!
Well, just got my results, the receptionist stated from the Dr "No action required". I asked her for the results of thyroid etc and she couldnt tell me individual results. Bloody hell!!! I like the figures, not just that everything is OK.
Rozzie - I am so glad your first day at work went OK. I think the hardest thing is walking through that door and facing everyone, once the day is over, you kind of feel relieved that you got through it. It sounds like you have a very nice boss. I am very fortunate with that also, my boss is very supportive. Though they don't know I am pregnant at the moment. I told them that I wont be doing IVF until November now.....
Tildy - How are you feeling today??? I know what you mean about symptomless. Yesterday I felt nausea all day, even was dry reaching when I got home, but today I feel fine and of course you start to panic and hoping all is OK.
Katie - Wow last day at work. I hope you have a good one. It must be so exciting. Are you intending on going back to work after bubs is born???? or are you deciding on that later???
to everybody else and hoping all is well for you all.
hey girls -
i did'nt think i had been gone that long from here, but there was so much to read!
I had my first day back at work yesterday. I was a nervous wreck the night before, trying to pick our an outfit that would be still considered current after 4 weeks off (i work in fashion) and trying to make sure everything was ready so when i woke up in the morning i was'nt a mess running around trying to find things. My boss was there so that was good and surprising, unlike when i went back with jack - no tears! not once. It is'nt the same as what it was before we lost Madison so really, i'll probably get through chrissy and new year and look at finishing i think. One of my friends said if i do get preganat again just to quit and have nine months of rest as it will do me good. Since i have stepped down from my mgt position i have'nt had stress from work so it does and does'nt sound good, just don't know what i would do!I had a customer come in and say she had withdrawals from me as i had'nt been around and asked if i was on holidays and i said i had something happen in my personal life and had time off. So then she is saying so did you have a good time, and i was just like um no, it was personal time off. She finally clicked to my no information and just said how good it was to have me back. My nights are still a mess and i am suffering major coffee withdrawals! I have a day off today and have a pounding headache. I am not a huge coffee drinker, i am a social drinker of it but the last 4 weeks i have been on 4 at least a day so my poor body which is now gonna be starved of it like before is feeling it horribly.
tildy - "i feel good, what wrong with me" - i smiled when i read that -it is good!!! Make the most of it!!!
katie - i saw that article after my dad let me know it was in there. (had'nt got paper yet) My dad has been very outwardly emotional when we lost jack and Madison and even with that obvious support for us he still said after reading it that he did'nt realise everything behind a loss until he read it. That was nice to hear - from someone i am close to and a man! I am so happy it was as big as it was and hope that many people rad it and gave them too, a small insight into what we all go through. happy last day at work!!!! how exciting!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
sue - glad things are on the up for you too! That much be making you feel hopefully a little more secure. I am a figures girl too, i am the annoying patient who needs details not their little flippant "your ok" answers!
hammi - thanks for your thoughts at night and all your support. I got told off by my dh for staying up all hours and i just yelled at him. I asked him if he knew how hard nights were for me and how hard it is to want to put myself to bed. We have alot of issues right now but i'll save that for another LONG post!!
hgirs - you guys are my inspiration again! i've done that big loop again and i feel very protected in here. And it is very inspring to see all these BFPs! So many are happening and although i am working through feelings of losing Madison, i can't help but feel happy when i read someones good news. I still pray that it will be me again one day!
cindee- how are you feeling with your m/s? hope you are ok!
have a good day guys!
x jo
Last edited by jo76; September 9th, 2008 at 11:21 AM.
: needed colour! did'nt work!
Everytime I post I'm in a mad rush and can't read everything properly. Wish I was going on maternity leave from tomorrow (soooooo jealous, Katie!!).
I have a garden too, it's a pot containing some herbs and marigolds because I read somewhere that marigold bugs eat herb bugs. I know, I am very scientific ;-)
I'm glad the first day of work went OK for you, Rozzie and Jo. Your boss sounds great Roz and so he should be.
Tildy, you're just over 10wks now, maybe your M/S is doing the right thing and tailing off. Very nice that you've got three weeks hols coming up!
Jo... fashion can date in four weeks??? Wow! I'm sorry to hear that there's issues with DH, I can imagine what they are though. Pls feel free to vent if you want! It would be great if you can take 9mths off with your next pregnancy. I told my boss that I would like to work part-time or at least 10am-3pmn when I'm pregnant again. I got a deafening silence as a reply but I'll push it when I'm actually pregnant.
Sue, maybe a broadbrush answer like that reduces the number of details you can worry about? So happy for you, especially because you got this baby all by yourselves.
Well I had a strange one last night, has anybody had this.....
I had huge abdominal pains. TMI - but went to the toilet in the middle of night and had to do no. 2's, that eased it. Started to get worried..... The past few days I have been going to the toilet to do number 2's a fair bit.
Hammi - thanks for your response. Yeah my Dr does think I stress a little much with everything. But sometimes I find that they are too laid back. Especially with my thyroid, as this is a major component with pregnancy.
Jo - I am so glad your first day at work went OK. I am the same as Hammi - how can fashion go out so quick!!! You must have a very large wardrobe???? I agree with giving up work, I must admit, I have considered it also (though I would be so bored!!!). An older lady at my work had real issues with getting and keeping pregnancies also, and she was telling me that she gave up work, to concentrate on getting pregnant and being as healthy as possible. She ended up having 2 kids. I suppose you can't eliminate the power of stress.....
A big hello to everyone else and hoping you all have a fantastic day.
hi eveyone everything is fine here.
seeing ob for first time tomorrow, hoping she's good..
my DS came up to me yesterday and told me i had a baby and its his friend. then he hugged my belly.. crossing fingers i dont dissapoint him... feeling good though other than passing out on bathroom floor on monday.. that was scary i was out for about 6 minutes before my oldest found me.. think im really exausted..i keep thinking of my angels all the time too....
hey everyone,
ok -time for 2 things as i promised josh i would watch Karate kid (memories....)
cindee -it freaked me out when you said you were out of it on the floor for that long! please take care of yourself -its not good for you to have that! please please rest!
as for me, a friend came into work today and was asking how i was etc. really pushing the "how are you?" question and i said you got my sms a few weeks ago right and she said no (but i could tell by her body language that she knew!) and i said we lost another baby a girl etc etc and she started on what we hate to hear - "well jo, your lucky you have 2 healthy beautiful kids", " maybe you should leave it as its obviously not meant to be", "some people are'nt lucky to have any kids and you have 2". i could continue with them... I WANTED TO SMASH HER! I said there is still something in my heart that wants another baby and the whole time she is saying she will be honest with me and tell it as it is even though it may be hard for me to hear and she understands because she has four kids, but maybe i should stop trying so i can just move forward with my life like she has had to do. (recently seperated) cannot believe one person could come out with so many cliches' in one hit!!!! grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr! another vent over! feel a bit better now! sorry girls!
hope you are all well!
x jo
p.s sad but true with fashion and it sounds terrible, but when you have to "look" the part at work it does make it hard. And customers literally do walk in the door and go i want your outfit...sometimes without trying on so you need to stay up to date. As for the wardrobe - yes, its bigish (don't talk about it to my husband! lol!) but i do a huge cleanout each year of about 2 full garbage bags to give to charity. My style is very simple but in 4 weeks our whole colour palette had changed! hence the dilemma sunday night!
p.s x 2 - sue - my bowel habits (for lack of a better term)are all over the shop while i am pregnant so it could be just that. If you are in pain or anything then worry. I would get a bit of cramping but it was constipation and then when that eased off i was ok. if you are worried or uncomfortable -then just ask your GP or OB.
It's a lovely surprise that you were able to get pregnant on your own. I know that we would all love any baby that was given to us, but it's always nice to have these little bonus bits.
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Venting was key. I can't stand the thought that I might lose this bubs, but it's all I can think about; more and more frequently the images surrounding how Beiron came out are just taking up all my mind space.
I won't be able to get any better information on what my duties are until after that since the guy who decides is on vacation now, but I have at least decided what I will be doing for the next 7 or so weeks in a way that I feel is best for me and doesn't require me trying to be more than one human being. Right now I've just come back from starting to set up my new lab, so I now have three different "offices" and three computers. I must be special. :P
to everybody else and hoping all is well for you all.
My nights are still a mess and i am suffering major coffee withdrawals! I have a day off today and have a pounding headache. I am not a huge coffee drinker, i am a social drinker of it but the last 4 weeks i have been on 4 at least a day so my poor body which is now gonna be starved of it like before is feeling it horribly.
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