I identify with everything you guys are feeling, I definitely do. I have days where I'm very angry, and while you describe being angry at Hamish for leaving you, Lan, I get angry at Kebab for surviving and "taking Beiron's place". It may seem crazy, but I think it's all an expression of how I wanted something terribly and, in a sense, I will never, ever have it. I wanted to be happy about being pregnant and have other people be happy for me; instead I'm worried constantly and other people are never sure how to act.
So I have the same kinds of feeling that Rozzie has as well. With Beiron we waited to tell people until after week 12 and the first ultrasound, just like you're "supposed" to. That means everyone was surprised because no one knew we were trying. So everyone was excited and happy for us and jumping for joy. But this time? There's a really sad feeling of "been there, done that" when we talk to people about it. They're now trying to identify (and either succeeding or failing) with a woman who's going through a struggle rather than being happy for a woman who's glowing and growing a little bouncy baby. The little bouncy baby is, in fact, far from everyone's thoughts -- farthest from mine -- because all the focus is on not getting our hopes up and on getting to the next week of the pregnancy.
So a friend of mine who is 6 months pregnant right now, it's pretty tough for me to see her. She got pregnant in April, meaning they were trying while I was pregnant with Beiron and succeeded in getting pregnant after they knew I was pregnant. That upsets me for plenty of crazy-sounded reasons, but I'd like to think that all my feelings are valid. She KNEW I was pregnant when she got pregnant! And now she'll have a baby before me, which is so unfair because I was "supposed to" have a baby before her! And I get the distinct feeling when I'm with her that she's "stealing my thunder". It's "my turn" -- with Beiron, three of our friends were pregnant at the same time and have their lovely little babies now, and now it feels like my turn for people to be ooing and aahing over me (which, as stated, they're not, because they're cautious) and now I sometimes feel like this new pregnant friend is stealing my thunder. In reality, when we're together, it's probably the other way around... I probably complain enough about how my pregnancy is going and how scared I am that hers is written off as "just normal" and pushed aside.
I would have been SERIOUSLY upset (though afraid to express it even to DH) if anyone close to me became pregnant at the same time as me right now. I would have in my pessimism and worry assumed that I'd miscarry and that she would go on to have healthy baby and that that would forever haunt me, not to mention driving me away from yet another female friend whose situation was tough for me to participate in because of my grief. I'd compare myself to her constantly -- symptoms, complications or lack thereof -- so even if we both succeeded I'd be angry that the universe gave her a baby "easily" and made it rough for me.
If I told DH about all of these feelings, and I'm sure we've discussed some of them, he might very well also agree with me that the feelings are selfish. But I don't think he'd mean that I should be ashamed for having them. Sometimes, selfishness is perfectly normal and even good. Imagine Rozzie if we tweak the circumstance a tiny bit -- if you SAID to her that you were GLAD that she lost her baby and felt ZERO guilt for having those feelings... not until then should you be the least bit ashamed of how you feel, and I know that that's not quite how you're feeling and that you're not that person.
Helen, I've also gotten irritated with people who compare their situations to mine, and I feel quite entitled to that irritation. My MIL, who I love, kept telling me about her friend's son, whose wife hasn't been able to get pregnant after 14 years of trying and exhausting all known medical techniques. She would end by saying "At least you can get pregnant" or even telling me that her friend said that. "At least Lori can get pregnant." I eventually had to get up the guts to tell her to please stop saying that to me, because while this other couple is going through a hardship that I am not, they also have never been through what I have, and I didn't think it was fair to either of us to compare, as if weighing on a scale. Same with my friend who had a hard time getting pregnant and had a miscarriage in week 8 the first time. Now she has her baby and has a tendency to treat me like she knows exactly how I feel and almost like I'm being whiney because my situation isn't as "difficult" as hers because I fall pregnant so easily and I should "know" things will work out for me, because it worked for her! I feel angry because they trivialize the death of my child by acting like it's merely a matter of replacing him with another. I don't want them to think my situation is worse than theirs, I just want them to stop telling me it's better than theirs. The measure of a hardship is always in how deeply the individual feels about it, and never in how it compares to what other people have been through. What I'm trying to say, Helen, is that I recognize the feelings you described when you felt your friend was comparing your situations, and I admire the fact that you want to be there to support her with her IVF. I admit that I don't know if I would be able to fully empathize with my friend right now if she was once again TTC and had to jump through hoops just to get pregnant. I would feel the same kind of "It'll work eventually, stop whining, you have one baby already, right?" towards her that she seems to feel towards me!
This is why my feelings for you guys are completely different from my feelings for random pregnant lady on the street, and I can say how I feel here in a way that I can't always to DH and MIL and SIL. Everyone here has been through a lot of pain, and not a single one of you has ever trivialized my feelings, no matter how silly they may seem to me in a rear-view mirror or how small in comparison to what you've been through.
I wrote a really long reply and lost it!!! devastated!!! but I will say thanks to Tildy and Helen, you're both so insightful and helpful. I will try and type my reply again a bit later.
hi guys!
where do i start!
Tildy -i agree with you...my feelings towards people in here and getting pregnant are so different to those outside it. The friend that i have gotton quite upset over seeing her pregnant belly - she will be my reminder of what i have lost a 2nd time. And i want to be happy for her because she did lose a baby at 10 weeks when i lost Jack but right now my emotions over losing Jack and Madison for no apparent reason,are blurring that line. And i feel, angry, guilty upset and all those things you guys have mentioned. But then a reg customer came in the other day who i love seeing and she had a belly and i had no idea she was preg! (go figure how we missed that topic of conversation!) She had 19 days to go and i was so genuinely excited for her. So on the one hand i am avoiding one persons belly and on the other inviting someone back in to show their baby! I also had thurs and fri my manager gushing about her sister just having her baby... even grabbing her mobile phone to proudly show me a photo. And asking advice on what sort of baby presie to buy. It took everything i had to fight back the tears and pretend to share in her excitment. I felt gutted! All i wanted to do was tell her to stop talking about her (the baby was a girl) and i could'nt. She was amazingly supportive with both angel babies but i don't think for a second in her excitment knew how devastating it was to keep talking about it in detail. It was another one of those moments where we place ourselves / emotions aside to be there for others.
Ems 4th b'day party is tomorrow so i will be seeing my MIL like i said, for the first time since i lost Madison. I REALLY hope she does'nt bring anything up.She cares but does'nt think about appropriateness enough! we already had a bad day involving my BIL & SIL as they did'nt recieve their invite to ems party and dan told them it was sunday etc. I wrote them an email and accidently wrote the wrong date (sats date) but in their reply they wrote see you sunday etc and i wrote back see you sunday again also. We got an angry phone call 10.30 this morning going where are you as they were there. they said you told us sunday 11th and dan said yes, sunday and they said but its the 11th today and dan said you knew it was on the sunday. So they basically hung up on him and said to enjoy our day sunday as they "had other plans". GRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! So in my horrible emotional state this week i screwed up and boy will we hear about it going forward!
The kids asked today if i could bring home a "big baby". I asked what they meant and josh just said "you know, a big baby". I said do you want mum to have another baby and they both said yes. So obviously their brother and sister are still very much in their thoughts, more than i realise!
anyway - i am quite happy we have all had some selfish posts! we need them sometimes! its a good healthy release! I am forever grateful for stumbling across this site and meeting you girls!Thankfully we CAN say whatever we want and always feel supported!
take care all you preggo girls!
to us preggo-to-bes -take care too!
x jo
Jo, that is so cute about "big babies". Did your kids see either Madison or Jack? Or they just knew that their baby brother and sister were born too soon? Gives me nice shivers to think of such young children being able to comprehend two such devastating losses and still have hope for a "big baby". They could teach us a thing or two!
I gave my niece a CD called The First Little Angels on Earth to try to sort of explain why Hamish left us. She asked DH if there are birthdays in heaven and we both wanted to cry.
Rozzie, Helen, Jo and Tildy, I'm glad we can talk about such feelings. For a while every time I heard about someone getting pregnant, I just assumed that the baby would die eventually. Or if I heard of someone having an early miscarriage I felt that they weren't entitled to as much grief as I am. I was so scared of my own feelings and didn't even dare to tell you guys. So I'm really glad that you raised it Rozzie and we counsel each other.
I don't think any of us are evil or selfish (OK, sometimes I really am!), these must be another expression of our loss and a way to protect our feelings. I hate that we can't all just sit around fatly complaining about normal pregnancy things but I am super grateful that we can share even our darkest thoughts.
I don't know if this will make you feel better or worse Rozzie, but when I saw your little bump and thought of your due date in April, I felt SO excited at that prospect of being pregnant again, at the hope that a pregnancy brings even though for us it will always be accompanied by at times crippling fear, and at the promise of a big fat crying baby, at last. And every time you and Tildy talk about heartbeats, Sue and her little bean's u/s and Katie's wonder girl kicking her way closer and closer to birth, I collect more little pieces of hope and stash them away in my Green Eggs box.
Green Eggs? Well, we nicknamed Hamish "Ham" even more we got pregnant and still call him that to this day so we've started calling our next pregnancy Green Eggs in anticipation because David is a Dr Suess fan and frankly we're very silly :-)
Katie, thank you for your understanding and concern. Your post was a good as hug. I tried the SIDs people once but I prefer you guys and my various "hippy" therapists :-)
I have been reading through all that you have written and I totally understand the feelings of hurt, anger and guilt. It is only normal to feel some form of 'resentment' towards others when they have exactly the thing you desperately desire and have been denied in the cruellest of ways.
I have also found myself struggling since Nathaniel with a mix of emotions. On one hand my brother had a baby boy a few days before we found out about Nathaniel, and yet I never felt any anger towards them. I even held their baby 2 weeks after losing Nathaniel. Same with some friends who's baby boy I have always been able to hold. And of course there is our friends who had a boy (everyone was having boys which did hurt) about 3 weeks after Nathaniel was due. I was very happy for them but I had no desire to rush and see their baby. He was about 3 months by the time I met him and I did hold him and on some levels it hurt like hell, but on another it was very healing. I know they have always felt bad that they got their baby and we didn't, and in a way that has helped us as it means they 'get it'. I even had a girl ask me when that particular baby was due, and I wanted to scream at her...3 weeks after my baby should have been!!! I could not believe that she could be so insensitive to ask me, especially when I know she sees these people more. I just shrugged and said I didn't know. It hurt but it also reminded me that not everyone understands and sometimes people say things without realising how much hurt it will cause. Early on I found it very difficult to hear about other people (besides BB women) falling pregnant as it just hurt too much, especially if I heard that they weren't necessarily thrilled about it.
Don't any of you feel terrible for your emotions and thoughts. I have not read anything malicious or nasty, simply grieving mothers who desperately miss their babies and find reminders all the more difficult. I think it is wonderful that we all feel we can come here and be honest about our feelings and not feel we will be judged. No one can possibly understand the grief unless they have been touched by it either directly or know someone close to them. I am sure that at times, I wasn't always supportive of my sister after her 2 late losses. She should have been 8 months pregnant as a bridesmaid at my wedding, but she wasn't. I am sure on the day she had moments when it reminded her of her little boy.
So be kind to yourselves. And when you all get your BFPs just deal with it the way that feels right. I was very lowkey with this pregnancy and it made me nervous having too many people in public make a fuss etc. I think people picked up that I didn't want a marching band reaction, so most people have been very supportive. Also if people ask me how I have been, both DH and I would always say that it is difficult and emotional and anxiety-filled. I felt this reminded them that this was not our first time and that we needed a different kind of support to the usual.
Anyway, big hugs to you all. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and know that we have all been sitting here nodding our heads and understanding!
Jo - I hope you have a lovely day for Em's birthday and that everyone behaves!
Well I have just been reading all your posts and feel totally emotional about it all. I am crying..... I understand how you all feel and hard it is..... even though my babies where lost earlier in the piece, I found that everytime there is a factor to remind me and the hurt never stops.
Like when I lost my first bubs, all our friends where starting to try at the same time, my best friend was also due within days of me and also my DH best friends wife was due within days as well and my cousin as well. I see those little boys and sometimes wonder about my little angel.
It was so hard seeing them in hospital, in some ways I would have preferred to hide and not having to face it, but I knew I had to and sometimes (even today) I feel myself over compensating being so nice and caring towards their children, so people don't see how lost and hurt I am sometimes.
With my second loss, I was in hospital having a D&C and my SIL was in hospital giving birth to her bubs and I went in with DH and I saw his twin brother holding his boy so proudly and my heart broke for my DH, you could see he was emotional.
With number 3 (which was due in Nov), my Cousin again is due within days of my EDD. Even though it helps to have another little bubs growing inside of me, but I will never forget my angels.
I think I am also going insane, everything with this pregnancy I am fearing that I am going to lose this bubs.
Even last night (TMI coming up), I woke up and I had air in my vagina and it was coming out.... of course I freaked out and told DH. He is very understanding of how I feel, but I think he feels that I am over analysing everything (which I am).
I am so grateful I have you girls to talk to and understand how I am feeling.
You are all very precious to me and it is amazing that I feel exactly the same way, if you girls get pregnant or are pregnant, I love hearing your stories and celebrating with you. But sometimes with people in closer proximity I just want to run away and hide and not have to deal with it.
I am so glad we have this forum to be able to release our feelings.
Ladies, thankyou all so much for your replies, I feel so much better now. I mentioned how guilty I felt to DH last night and he said that it's just a reaction that I can't help and it will go away with time. I don't know when or if it will go away but it's nice to know he doesn't think I'm selfish!!!
Sue, that's amazing that you went in to see your DH's nephew when you were at hospital after your D&C. I haven't been able to go see any babies at all.
Jo, you are such an amazing woman I can't even begin to go into the ways. I can't imagine if I had a second loss that I would be able to be as stoic and forgiving as you have been (not to say I don't realise that you're still in immeasurable pain). That's so sweet about your kids and the big baby, I guess it hit home to me that you have their feelings to take into consideration too, something I don't have to deal with, I have the luxuray of thinking only of myself.
Tildy, everything you wrote sounded very familiar... I think you expressed it better though!!!
Katie, I'm glad I'm not the only one feeling 'low-key' with the pregnancy... would you believe 15 weeks in I've only told my parents and my boss?!? That I spent $110 on a bigger uniform to avoid wearing maternity uniform?! nice to know I'm not alone. Can't wait to see the pics of your bub.
And Lan, I'm so glad that you're getting excited about being pregnant again. For me, this time is just as magical as the first. For a while there in the beginning I did the predictable thing of trying not to get my hopes up just in case, but then I found this article about pragnancy after loss, and how some women try not to get too attached, and I love this quote: 'being a parent means being brave enough to open your heart to whatever may come ? joy, fear, anticipation, loss, and everything in between ? so that you are touched in ways you never imagined.' We all know that once the baby is conceived, they are a life of their own that we can't control, so you might as well try and enjoy the ride!!!
I think I felt a series of kicks today, very exciting!!
I've decided I'll send my brother and his wife a card for their M/C, but beyond that I don't feel I'm in the position to give them much more support, and it sounds like they're pretty circumspect about the whole thing anyway.
Hugs to everyone else, and thanks again for sharing, it made me feel so much better!!
hi everyone, had a busy weekend taking kids to the show and weddings to go to ,, bit tired now.. the low key pregnancy thing i wish i could have but mt belly is sticking out , so it wont be long before i have to tell the grandparents..
went to buy my daughter a drink from one of those portable van things and the lady who served me seen me pregnant with hope and precious last year she just looked at me and said i was a glutton for punishment, all i wanted to do was slap her.... people can be so rude..
didnt go past that van again.
other than that kids had a good time.
cindee- I am so sorry that you had to deal with a person like that. I have had people assume that we were not going to try again because of our losses in the past. They made me feel like I was doing something wrong keeping a little hope for a healthy baby. Try not to let people like that get to you.
I think all of the feelings that everyone has been sharing are very normal. My SIL told me after I lost Parker that she had 2 abortions because she got pregnant in college. She said that she wanted to keep them but couldn't. She told me all of this because she thought it was a similar experience to mine. I was so angry. I understand that it must have been very difficult for her but I don't think it was anything like my experience. You just can't compare them.
She is not about 8 months pregnant with a little girl. She became pregnant months after I did with Shelby but she will have a healthy baby. I haven't been able to talk to her in months. The only thing she has to talk about is baby stuff, which I understand. The last time I talked to her I cried the whole time. She kept complaining about how big her belly was. My heart broke, I want my big belly back. I feel like an awful person. I cannot feel happy for my brother or SIL. I am not sure if I will ever be comfortable visiting them and meeting their little girl.
I also feel like everyone else is going to have a complicated pregnancy. It surprises me when people have healthy babies. I guess that is because all of the innocence of pregnancy is gone for me.
On a little happier note. I took a pregnancy test every day for 5 days now. That second line is still getting darker! It really helped me relax a little this weekend. I have an appt. with my OB early tomorrow. I guess I will have to start the process of making some high-risk doctor and ultrasound appts. They will most likely want a really early ultrasound for dates.
Laney - I totally understand your feelings towards your SIL. It bothers me when other women complain about being too big, weight gain etc. I just feel like everyone should be thankful that they have made it that far into their pregnancies. I am so happy to hear that your tests are continuing to get stronger. I hope all goes well with your Ob tomorrow and you get some good direction moving forward with this pregnancy. Of course you keep hope alive that you will get your healthy baby - that is what a parent does. They always hope for the best.
Cindee - sorry you also had to hear ignorant comments. If only people knew our stories before they opened their mouths!
Well DH was getting all excited last night about having the carseat fitted this Friday and I broke down. We bought the seat on sale last year only a week or so before we found out about Nathaniel. I remember waking up from a nap to find DH playing with the seat (even though I had said to leave it in the box) and he was so excited and talking nonstop about our baby. That memory last night came back with a thud and I broke down. In fact just typing it now has made me cry again. He had the most beautiful look on his face, full of hope and excitement. I hate that beautiful memories from our first pregnancy now remind me of all we lost - our baby, our innocence and our naivete. I suppose as I move closer to 40 weeks, I should expect to have these kinds of moments when my heart breaks all over again at the idea that I will not get to raise all of my children. I just miss Nathaniel so much. I am getting that seat fitted on Friday, how embarrassing if I was to start crying! I am sure that won't happen, but hey you can never predict these things.
Well I'm back from Byron, I had such a good weekend. The GF I went with is my closest friend and just happened to be visiting from Melbourne when we lost Charlie so she was here and went through that time with me. She is such a good friend and whilst there were plenty of tears over this past weekend, we also managed to have some girlie giggles as well. She came specifically at this time because it is EDD time for me. Charlie was due on the 16th of October and she booked this trip ages ago so she could come up and make sure I was doing ok and coping with everything.
I have read all your posts about feeling really negative towards others at time and I can totally relate. My other really close GF who also lives in Victoria did not acknowledge Charlie at all, no card, no flowers, no nothing. She left a couple of messages at the time saying she was going away on holidays and hoped I was ok and would call when she got back. She was only going on a holiday within Victoria, its not like she was going to the north pole. I have spoken to her once since losing Charlie and she barely asked about it at all. As you all know I recently graduated which was a huge deal for me, especially after what I have gone through and I have not heard anything from her. She would not even realised I am now a lawyer and started my first 'lawyer' job last week. Then to cap it all off I got a txt msg from her last night going on about how she just completed a mini triathlon and what an achievment she thinks it is. I couldn't even bring myself to txt back. Normally I would be so excited at such an achievment but it just made me realise we are no longer friends. Its a bit sad after having been best friends for nearly 20yrs but I guess its just what happens as you grow older and experience the ups and downs of life. Some friends truly are there through thick and thin and others are not.
Anyway, as I said, I had a great weekend and am now gearing up for me 2nd big week of work.
Katie, I had a tear in my eye reading your post about the car seat. I wanted to say thank you for sharing it with us though because these are not things we would think about ttc or early in a PG and now that you have spoken about it, the rest of us can know that it is likely to happen and be a little bit more prepared.
This really is a wonderful support group and I thank you all for sharing yourselves so openly, how wonderful it is to know that even at our *****iest we are still normal!!
Have a great week everyone and even if I don't have time to post until the end of the week I will definitely be checking in on you all.
I've gotten out of bed at 6am to send e-mails to my boss and project leader saying I'm not coming to work today, as I haven't slept the entire bloody night. I'm a bit wound up about it being Beiron's EDD today and about some spotting and cramping I've had since yesterday, about the approaching 17 week mark, and even about the release that was due today that I now won't be finishing. Super-insomnia strikes again. Bah, and now one of the cats is whining obnoxiously and keeping DH awake... little rascal.
Paula, I've had to reevaluate many of my friendships since losing Beiron, as it casts a new light on almost every relationship I have. It hasn't been flattering for the three girlfriends I thought I had -- they were all three bridesmaids at our wedding last August -- but on the other hand I got to be very impressed by another new friend and my SIL in a way that I'm very grateful I got to see. It sounds like the lady you've gotten the chance to see what a good friend you have in the lady you went to Byron with, so there's a positive counterpart to the triathalon lady.
Katie -- it was moving to read about your reaction to the car seat, especially what you said about not getting to raise all your children. I know it hurts that what you've been through "corrupts" your happy memories, like DH's excitement from last time. But I hope that when your baby comes that she can turn that around for you again; that you can more easily think about Nathaniel with a soft smile in place of some of the pain.
Laney -- glad to hear your BFPs are getting stronger. It's great that you're seeing the OB straight away.
Cindee -- Jebus on a scooter, people can be stupid... I hope you can put her out of your head!
I'll have to catch everyone else later, as I think I need to lay down again, perhaps after getting something to eat. Back later.
ill try not to let her in my head, she just ruined my day, it was going really well my DS had the biggest smile on his face all day cos he got his pony ride.. its amazing something so simple can make someones day, then some old ***** goes and ruins it.
Cindee, that woman is a total beeyotch. She should go hang out with the one who told Jo she should be thankful with two healthy kids. Maybe they can build a fire and start dancing around it too. I just saw your ticker... when's your 12wk scan???
Katie, what an rollercoaster you are heading for. Paula's right, we are lucky to have you share your experiences with us so we can kind of prepare ourselves for our next pregnancies. I feel like crying reading about yours and DH's car seat experience. Be strong Katie, Nathaniel knows just when you need him the most and he'll be with you and get you and DH and his little sister through it all.
Tildy, a HUGE hug to you for Beiron's EDD and the very very scary 17wk milestone. And more cramping and spotting? Give the woman a break!!! Just think, it's not long now till your 19wk scan. Are you still using the Doppler?
Paula: I hope you are nice and refreshed... I had a friend like yours too... I still sometimes feel sad. When I lost my first angel baby girl in May 2005 I came home from hospital to find messages on the answering machine to tell me what an awful friend I had been over the past couple of weeks (prior) as she was going through her second divorce and I apparently hadn't been available enough... I didn't even bother to reply - I realised very painfully at that moment that our friendship had always been about her - and whilst I was always around to listen and to prop her up I was a "good friend" but when I needed it she was no where to be found. I still find that painful at times but I have learnt that no matter how much history you have with someone sometimes you just have to let go... It's hard and I am sorry you are going thru this but I can tell you have come to that letting go too...
hi girls,
i am so happy i just had to write!
I just got a phone call from the american urn company at 1.30 in the morning. Dh almost did'nt answer and i suddenly had a lightbulb moment and said it could be the urn company calling me back! FINALLY!!!!!!
So I have ordered 2 of my perfect urns and right now i feel like i am floating on air! Ridiculous, because i would'nt be buying them if we had'nt lost 2 children but i have had my heart set on them so much that i am so happy we were able to get what we wanted for them to rest in!
They are a wooden box to put their ashes in and then there are 3 building blocks (like the old school kids ones with the alphabet) that are made up of their intitals that sit on top in pastel colours (MRM and JNM) and we also get to engrave a plate with whatever we want also!
The lady was so lovely and apologised for waking me up when i could've have hugged her through the phone for calling me back, esp to Australia! Apparently the design is exculsive to them so that is why i can't find it anywhere else!
ok, better go back to bed!
i wrote to all a big email yesterday afternoon but i could'nt post it for some reason at all and then lost it, so will do this afternoon after work!
take care girls!
xjo
Jo, I am glad that you have found the perfect urns. They told me not to get an urn for Shelby that there wouldn't be enough ashes. I bought a small pendant that hangs in a glass dome. Of course there were a bunch of ashes so now I also have to find an urn for her. I hanven't been able to/wanted to look yet. My mom took care of the pendant for me.
Tildy, I will be thinking of you and your little Beiron today. Get lots of rest and be kind to yourself. Will you have another ultrasound soon to check on your little bub or will you wait until 20 weeks?
Paula, I know those EDD are very difficult. I am glad that you have someone close to help you get through it.
Katie, you are getting so close. Try to keep your chin up and stay positive. I am sure there are going to be many more moments in the next couple of weeks that are going to bring back memories. Just be sure to be excited too and make new and great memories.
As for me, my OB appt. went pretty well. I went and had blood work done. I will go back in 3 days to make sure my HCG levels are going up as they should. They put STAT on my blood work slip so they should have the results back later today. They already made me an ultrasound appointment for 2 weeks from now.
The difficult thing is that I cry as soon as they take me back to a room to wait for the doctor. My doctor has to think that I am crazy by now. Even if I hold off the tears for a few minutes they come streaming back as soon as I see the doctor. It just brings back too many memories of Parker and Shelby. I was going to change doctors. I thought it might help to have a fresh start in a new office. I didn't change because I really like my doctor and he knows who I am without looking at my chart first.
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its amazing something so simple can make someones day, then some old ***** goes and ruins it.
I understand too...
as you remember Beiron...
I didn't even bother to reply - I realised very painfully at that moment that our friendship had always been about her - and whilst I was always around to listen and to prop her up I was a "good friend" but when I needed it she was no where to be found. I still find that painful at times but I have learnt that no matter how much history you have with someone sometimes you just have to let go... It's hard and I am sorry you are going thru this but I can tell you have come to that letting go too...
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